Make Your Husband Want You: Stop Acting Like The Nice Wife
If you want to make your husband want you, you have to stop wrapping yourself into a pretzel to please him and start taking better care of your heart and soul.
Back off from him and explore the beauty of what life has to offer. He isn’t going to appreciate your home-cooked meals anymore than he does now.
- Do you break your back acting like the “nice wife”?
- Are you finding yourself at a loss in a bad marriage to a man who treats you like a roommate or a housekeeper?
- Maybe he even admits that he “cares for you a lot” but still doesn’t show any signs of being “in love” and emotionally available to the marriage?
- Is he always finding reasons to not be home or not spend time with you?
- Are you trying desperately to keep him around and inspire him to come back to you by being “the best wife ever”?
- And worse, are your attempts to show him he is loved and that your home is a welcoming, safe place for him to relax and rest, proving ineffective?
If these questions sound like familiar descriptions of a marriage, honey, you are not alone! So many women are experiencing the same one-sided, frustrating relationship dynamic that you are right now!
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Showing Him Affection Won’t Help If He Already Feels Smothered!
We Are Afraid To Seem Domineering & Afraid To Be Doormats, So We End Up Seeming Cold & Abrupt
In a modern society where most women have jobs and work hard to put their smart minds and powerful professional assets to good use, we are still feeling uncertain as to how to succeed in the home.
We don’t want to seem like 1950s nice wives who “shut up and please” but we don’t want to seem like “controlling, ball busters” either. So what do we do?
Out of desperation, frustration, and a lack of useful insight and tools, we usually end up some version of one or both of these.
Do you try hard to dance around your husband’s insecurities and moods, hoping not to seem to “domineering”?
Do you come home from work where you play the “tough, competent card” only to throw on a plastic smile and an apron to play the “sexy, sweet, can-do-it-all wife card” to a man who doesn’t seem to respond to your efforts?
Read More From Connect With His Heart: More Romance, Please! How To Get Him To Be Romantic
Do you take rare moments where your husband is listening and is acting affectionate to bitterly and coolly tell him all the ways in which he needs to “buck up and be a better man for the family”?
See, it’s not our fault. We want to do what we can to resuscitate our relationship but we don’t know how to reach our man’s heart. We don’t know how to “snap him out of it” and bring him back into the marriage.
Just Stop Doing Anything At All For The Marriage
What you can do is stop trying to be a nice, capable, and emotionally level-headed wife. Stop trying to hide behind your feelings of frustration and your fears of inadequacy. Chances are he feels the same way as you. Chances are he feels like a failure to your marriage and angry at himself that he isn’t feeling more for you, and two people who are not communicating the truth are not getting any closer to one another!
My recommendation to you is to do NOTHING! Stop catering to him and your relationship completely. Take some time to rest from love and work on doing things for YOU and YOUR happiness.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Seduction Tips From A Ghost Orchid
Even if you are scared he will leave if you don’t give him all your focus and attention, tell yourself that the only way you can be what he needs you to be is if you rest a bit, get a handle on your fears, and find the energy to redirect your focus on doing things for the relationship that work!
Start being nice to YOU and your feelings. Allow your feelings to come and go as they please. Don’t act on them but don’t push them down, and don’t feel like a failure for feeling insecure, scared, and angry as heck!
Again, refrain from letting these feelings dictate your behavior and words around your husband. In fact, try to refrain from talking to him about HIM at all.
Be selfish about your health and happiness. Start a hobby or take some vacation time by yourself.
When you start to feel less tired and drained, try to stop yourself from going back to “nice wife who respectfully complains a lot.” Try instead to find moments where you can laugh with him and enjoy his company without having to show him that you are a great wife and supportive woman. Just be silly together and try to only connect with him when you are feeling more positive inside your heart.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Feel Taken Advantage Of? Don’t Be A Doormat!
Then try to really talk to your husband about your feelings and needs in the relationship.
To learn about how to have deep, effective heart-to-hearts with your husband and other key things you can do to bring him closer, sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter. I will show you how to make your husband want you in ways you didn’t know he was capable of. I’ll show you how to use sex to build a deeper connection and how to step into your body as a more sensual woman who can ‘just be’ without having to run around the house cleaning, controlling, and barking orders. It’s not your fault if you are like this, most women are. It’s just time to take a deep breath and step into the moment. Romance, connection, passion, heat, happiness is happening in the NOW!
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Advice On Men: Guys Are Sensitive Too
When I give advice on men, I always like a woman to remember that it’s not just about her feelings and needs.
Men have needs too and those needs are more complex than a B job in the evening after a home-cooked dinner in a clean house. Men have emotional needs and their feelings can easily be hurt.
Don’t be fooled– an angry man is just a sad and scared li’l boy under all that yelling and brooding. If your husband or boyfriend seems to lack feelings and sensitivity, resembling a big brute who’s man language is “grunt”, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t frail-hearted.
Try To Refrain From Turning Into An Angry Tyrant– 2 wrongs make 2 unhappy lovers!
Look, it’s really hard to love a man who treats you like the thing that ate his life– complaining about how much you nag and avoiding coming home at all costs… Not to mention arriving home late and drunk when he does come home. However, the thing you have to remember before you explode and start screaming or shut down and give him the silent treatment, is that two wrongs don’t make a right.
Read More Advice On Men For Women Here: Emotionally Unavailable Men & What To Expect When You Love Them
When a man acts unaccountable to your relationship, try to keep your sanity by thinking of yourself as the Love Guide in your relationship. Being the Love Guide is an empowering concept. Instead of just feeling like you become an invisible doormat or a disrespected martyr for love and acting on those feelings of powerlessness, think of yourself as the more mindful partner whose duty it is to show the other partner what it is to love someone.
Being the Love Guide will help your relationship far more than trying to argue with him and make him see how wrong he has been. Trying to convince your boyfriend or husband that he is wrong is like being a Democrat and trying to convince a Republican to raise taxes. Not going to happen. Not to mention that men can actually be afraid of an angry woman.
You may think that since he’s physically able to protect himself from you that it’s fine to yell like Medea. However we can be quite scary when we get upset and sometimes men just do what they are told to avoid your wrath. The problem is that it makes them fall out of love and resent you.
The Best Advice On Men: Always Appreciate Him
The best way for a man to feel loved is to show him appreciation. Men are very susceptible to praise because they are wired to want to provide. Men feel capable and proud when they can make their loved ones happy. When you show appreciation, they feel loved. When you don’t, they wilt like a flower. Then they become angry, bitter and then cold. That’s when the apathy starts and the love in gone.
Read More Advice On Men For Women Here: How Do I Make My Husband Change?
Appreciation is never just a “thank you”. Appreciation can be shown entirely without words. Touching him, making eye contact and sending him a loving, silent “thanks” with your irises, smiling at him and blowing him a kiss. You can also show appreciation with sexual favors. If your man has done a really good job helping around the house and listening to your problems at work, take him by the hand and tell him it’s time for his reward. And then guide him toward the bedroom.
Listen To Him & Touch Him Often
When your man has exciting news and wants to share it with you, it’s really important that you not brush him off. Men have a strong need to be heard and have their opinions and feelings validated. If your man starts chatting about something that happened to him, pay attention.
Don’t judge his story as trivial. Listen with your full attention and really care about what he is saying. Focus on imagining his story unfolding in your head as he speaks. Don’t focus on how you had a similar experience and how you can’t wait till he finishes talking to “top” him with your related experiences.
Touch is really important too. Men are sensitive to words; that’s why they use less words when relating with loved ones. When you ramble on about your needs and feelings, at some point he will tune out. The best way to ask him for more love is to connect with him through touch.
When you touch him, he feels loved and understood. A man who feels sensitive to your criticisms and rejections will instantly feel more appreciated and cared for when you take a moment to sit with him and hold his hand or caress his arm. You don’t have to talk when you touch him and shouldn’t talk sometimes. Just give him the gift of a touch. Avoid using your touch to make him sit and listen to you. When you touch, make it about him in that moment.
Read More Advice On Men For Women Here: Make Your Husband Want You This Way
Heal Intimacy Issues In The Relationship This Way
Intimacy issues have devastating effects on a relationship. I have yet to have come across a marriage or long-term relationship where the man and woman involved were okay with the lack of intimacy in their union.
Are you starved of emotional intimacy? If so, I know exactly how you feel. When I was married, I wanted nothing more than to share loving, open, honest and tender dialogues with my husband about any and everything. I wanted to know him on a deeper level and share my deeper self with him; however, the intimacy problems in the relationship were too heavy a load.
The beginning of the relationship was exactly what I had always wanted: pillow talk, long phone conversations, affectionate I love yous shared during a random embrace. Jump ahead 8 years, and I was a lonely wife who was rarely given the chance to canoodle with her husband.
When I Tried To Get Closer To My Husband, He Always Pulled Back
Toward the end of our relationship, he would always get ‘jumpy’ and irritated when I tried to get him to open up. It became a running joke between us that I was like the “humidity”– smothering him. He fought me on the topic of closeness tooth and nail; he just didn’t seem to want to dive into a more intimate relationship. It seemed that to him more closeness in the marriage was a non-issue. In fact, I felt that, if anything, he wanted less closeness– at least he acted like he wasn’t untouched by intimacy problems in the relationship.
But I was wrong; he did want (he craved) more intimacy. Apparently, he just didn’t know how to go about rebuilding this intimacy, and my attempts made him feel pressured and inadequate. He would withdraw from my efforts and had no solutions of his own to offer us.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog For Women: How To Get Affection From Him
The intimacy-drought in my marriage resulted in a devastating divorce. I vowed not to let the same thing happen to me again. I couldn’t take another failed relationship, and when I met my current boyfriend 3 years ago, I was more equipped with relationship-saving/intimacy-building tools. I was not going to let us have intimacy problems in the relationship– not after having survived years of intimacy- starvation.
Here are some tips to help your intimacy problems before it’s too late:
1. Take a deep breath and feel everything.
I think we all know how horrible it feels to be stuck in an unhappy relationship, but the ironic (and tragic) truth about love is that the more you exasperate yourself trying to fix things, the more bloody the problems get.
Stop yourself in moments where you feel out of control and just want to explode your dark, desperate feelings of resentment and loneliness all over your man, and instead just breathe deep and silently feel your feelings. Feeling without reacting will prevent more damage to your relationship.
See, lots of times, when we feel lonely and frustrated that our behaviors aren’t reaping effective results, we start to feel like a boiling pot. If things persist long enough, we boil over with accusations and loaded tears of deep, resentment. Our strong emotional reactions at these times can traumatize our loved one, making them feel smacked across the face with guilt and shame.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog For Women: Enhance Your Feminine Allure & Get Him To Propose
The burn of the ‘boiling over’ kills any chance of intimacy. It sends a message to our loved one that getting close to us is ‘unsafe’. It makes our men clam-up even more. It destroys all the baby steps we’ve made up until that point.
When you breathe deep in moments of strong emotion, you summon built-up stress and anger to surface and allow yourself the opportunity to think and react more clearly once the feelings wash over you. You can then re-approach your man with patience, calm and love.
After all, it is only when we approach a person with love, calmness and softness in our hearts that we will cultivate a healthy level of intimacy. You can’t demand or threaten a man to be more intimate with you. Building the trust necessary for intimacy to grow takes time and when your patience runs thin, you must breathe your desperation away before you tantrum.
2. Trust in him.
Intimacy is built on trust. You can only get close to someone when you feel safe opening up to them, and you can only feel safe with trust. Reestablishing intimacy in your relationship is about finding a way to trust in the motives of the other person– trusting that the other person selflessly wants to be near you and take care of you, not hurt you, nag you and control you. Many men (and women) fear that closeness will make them powerless to another person’s manipulations. Trust eliminates that fear.
Whenever women come to me and tell me that they are struggling to trust their man again after something that he has done wrong, I explain to them that trust is not an extra/optional topping on the pizza of love. Trust is the relationship.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog For Women: Cold Hearted Man? Handling His Intimacy Issues
Though healing your intimacy problems takes time, you can’t consciously hold back trust. You have to choose to give trust to a person– that’s the only way that it can blossom. It’s something you decide you want to give fully or you have failed at giving it at all.
You can’t consciously half-trust a man; that is a recipe for breaking-up. If you want a happy relationship again, you must give him an A and let him keep it, instead of starting him at a C-, making him work for your love. Making him work for your trust creates resentments. He should be willing to work for your love, and you should never slowly and deliberately throw him morsels of a trust-pie like Kibbles bits to a dog.
If you can’t trust him upfront and instead insist that he ‘prove himself’ before you extend trust, you have to leave the relationship. If he has cheated or betrayed you in some way, you have to find it in your heart to open yourself up to believing in him or you have to say ‘goodbye’.
Now, trusting a man who has betrayed you doesn’t mean you have to jump back into the relationship fully. You can set boundaries around your time together or your level of commitment, but you have to trust and give him the benefit of the doubt, or you will both end up going ’round and ’round on a carousel of blame, hurt and defeat.
So no jealousy, cheap-shots, withholding of affection, eye-rolling, passive aggressive statements like ‘whatever’, silent treatments, threats, tears of manipulation, or pouting…
Read More From This Love Advice Blog For Women: Your Guy Losing Interest? How To Stop This
3. Share yourself free of charge.
Once you are choosing to trust him and are breathing and feeling your dark feelings without acting from those feelings, you will feel less tension inside you. You will feel less desperate, angry, bitter and sad, and you may even feel, for a short while, in random moments, more at peace around him. It is only in those moments of peace that more peace (between you both) can arrive.
In the rare moments when you feel close to your man, stop yourself from trying to open him up, and instead, YOU open up. Share something very vulnerable and honest with him; “You know, I feel afraid of losing you”… “I sometimes think that love is too difficult to achieve for us”… etc.
The KEY is to share words with him without needing anything from him. Share with him like he is a priest at a confessional booth or your best friend with whom you can cry over Ben & Jerry’s. Talk with him like you are confiding in him but are not seeking any sort of reaction from him.
If he closes off, goes silent, says something snappy and grouchy, don’t close off to him or blame him. Don’t say, “I knew you’d act like this” or “Why are you so cold and rude when I open up?”
Instead tell him how his reaction has made you feel without lashing out at him (“I feel sad that you just sad that”), and then get up calmly and quietly and go do something to take care of yourself, independently of him. Go for a walk, write in a journal, pet your dog. Do something that allows you to be with yourself and allows you to breathe out your anger/ hurt.
Don’t fester in your upset about his negative response. Just let yourself feel hurt and alone inside and let those feelings wash over you and away from you. Once he sees that you can express yourself without pulling intimacy from him, he will soon start to offer his feelings because he will feel less pressure and more closeness.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog For Women: Help! Bring Him To Me!
If he DOES respond positively and opens up or comforts you when you open up with him, welcome him. Treat his loving response like it’s something that he ALWAYS does for you– not like it’s a shockingly refreshing thing. If you react as if you expected such a loving response, he will feel extremely close to you and appreciative of your trust in him.
Healing your intimacy problems in the relationship happens over time and with lots of love and understanding. Even if you are starving right now for closeness, you have to be patient. It is in your willingness to be patient that he will come around and offer you more intimacy. He wants to know that you care about his feelings and needs and aren’t just desperate to be heard and get your needs met. Showing him patience is showing him that you honor where he is right now in the relationship and that you respect his need to take things at a certain pace and in a certain direction. ( Even if he is acting selfishly, your selfishness won’t break his behavior– it will only give him an excuse.)
Is He Serious About You? Signs He Loves You May Not Be Enough
Is he serious about you and looking to make you The One?
Are you desperate to know the signs of a man who is in love so that you can be rest assured that he is really there for you? Wondering if the man you are sleeping with and spending quality time with has serious plans to make you his REAL girlfriend and maybe even one day his wife?
Here’s the deal: A lot of women are in faux relationships and don’t even know it. They may KNOW it but they refuse to believe it and have succeeded in lying to themselves about the extent of his intentions. Or scarier still… they have no clue they are in a faux relationship!
If you want to know if a man has the intention of honoring your relationship long-term and taking himself completely off the market, you may be frightened to learn that he could be doing all the admirable things and showing all the signs of loving you, but may just be buying time until he meets Ms. Right.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Blog: Ways To Reconnect With Your Man
This is exactly why I find it such a waste of time, when wondering if he is serious about you, to look for a checklist of actions a man will do when he knows a woman is the one for him.
Look, I have met two men in my life who showed signs that even my best friend thought were symptoms of the love-bug, only to have ended up dumped both times for some other woman. One of these guys actually married one of these girls… three months after dumping me for her AND he had dated me for over a year. Yes, I have been there.
So instead of wasting your time reading articles online that suggest a man is serious about you if he introduces you to his family or says “I love you” (both those guys did both these things with me), think more about why you DON’T have an engagement ring yet and what you can be doing to get one.
Love Is A Verb: The True Love Connection
I’m a HUGE advocate of the Golden Rule and have created, based on this rule, a new definition of love. Love is NOT a feeling as much as it is a connection between two people where they give to and receive from one another loving TREATMENT that BENEFITS the receiver over the GIVER. I term it a True Love Connection.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Blog: Are You Catering To Him To Keep Him?
So, having said that, what are the ways in which your man treats you well to which you respond best? Is he compassionate, affectionate, kind, patient, adoring, silly, dripping with confidence under the sheets…? If so, how can you pump more of these behaviors into your relationship from your end. How can you be more sexual, affectionate, kind, patient, etc.? Give all your gestures from a loving place, not from a manipulative place.
Then also ask yourself, what are the things you DON’T receive from him that you would like to? More quality time, more cuddles, more pillow talk. And then I want you to communicate your needs to him without asking for anything specific. Only state what you want and don’t care for. “I would like more pillow talk. What do you think?” “I don’t care for a cold relationship where I don’t cuddle with my man. Do you feel like our cuddling is up to your standards?”
Invite him to come up with solutions without making him feel less-than-enough. That’s the secret to getting what you want.
Men Don’t Usually Know That Things Can Be Fixed. They Lack Communication Skills
Now, when you are both a more mindful partner by giving what you receive and a more direct and honest partner by asking for what you need (without really asking, of course), then you will more likely end up with a BETTER CONNECTION. You may be surprised at how he suddenly becomes more happy to be around you because of the better ways you treat him or… he may become more communicative of what he DOES need from you.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Blog: How To Building Emotional Intimacy With Him
When you have an open dialogue with a man where he feels TOTALLY safe to be honest and free to reveal EVERYTHING, you will see a change in him. You won’t worry about his motives with you or his intentions. You will feel confident in his love. See, there are A LOT of men who act like they are happy but are LYING. Many a man could spend vacations with a woman, sleep with her, tell her “I love you” and STILL secretly be looking around for someone else. But when you build an emotional intimacy that is so powerful and strong that he can’t imagine not having you around to “get him” and hear him, he will FESS UP to his concerns and his needs. He will admit to what LACKS for him in the relationship and only then can things be fixed.
Is he serious about you? This depends a lot on where he thinks the relationship can go from here AND whether or not it is working for him. Men don’t always know HOW to communicate, they only know when something works or doesn’t, and if something that NATURALLY works better comes along, a lot of men leave.
Men DON’T want to leave but they don’t see how change is possible. They don’t know who to talk about their feelings or even know WHAT EXACTLY is the problem. Better communication in a safe environment where tender emotional intimacy is prolific will help him open up. It will help him see that even though some things aren’t naturally great in the relationship, they can be fixed. This will get you the proposal, the ring and the life-long devotion you desire!
Marriage Advice: “How Do I Make My Husband Change?”
When I was married, I thought about this A LOT– constantly reading marriage advice and thinking of ways to make my husband act different, treat me better, and show me more love.
I would bang my fist against the wall, “UGH! How do I make my husband change?!”I was all tied up in knots inside– angry at him for his behavior, scared of losing him, unsure of how to cope with my feelings.
I wanted more than anything for him to change. I NEEDED him to change or I thought I would just combust. I couldn’t do it anymore– the smiling, the pleasing and catering, and then the screaming and yelling in the moments where my “nice wife facade” would crack.
But I didn’t know HOW to improve my man’s behavior and make him love me more. People made suggestions that just made me angrier– “be nicer”, “cook and clean even more”, “let him spend his free time with his friends and don’t nag him to be with you.”
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Heal Intimacy Issues In The Relationship This Way
It all sounded awful– MORE SACRIFICES, MORE STUFFING DOWN MY NEEDS! I felt like I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just get divorced, but then I thought about how much I did love him in the rare moments when things were good. I really didn’t want to lose him and did want to inspire my man.
Before I totally lost my mind, he left me. It was horrible– the nail in the coffin of my failure as a woman worth loving.
Well, I picked up the pieces and started dating again; when I finally found a nice, good man who adored me, guess what happened? He started acting “uninspired”, just like my husband. Here I was, in a new relationship with a totally different type of man and yet he was pulling the same antics as my ex: never home, never “pulling his weight” around the house and in the relationship in general, never complimenting me or acting loving with me, never giving me gifts or listening to my feelings.
I was at a loss and seriously thought about just giving up on men entirely.
The Kitty Story That Changed Everything!
Then one day I was out with my friend (and coauthor of Inspire His Love For You) Sarah Jeanette. We were in the parking lot of our favorite Mexican restaurant after a night of margaritas and man-bashing and we spotted a little, dirty, abandoned kitten under a parked car.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Break down Emotional Walls To Bring Him Closer
Well, we both love animals and started to coax this cat from under the cold car, hoping that we could bring it to us. We started calling kitten and you should have seen how adorable we were– no longer angry at men and feeling hostile but just filled with love for this kitty in the parking lot. We were playful and sweet, nice and approachable.
Once we had proven our trust, the kitty came to Sarah, and we rushed off to the animal hospital with him.
In the car, we realized– that’s it that’s the secret to bringing a man closer– acting like we did with that cat!
We didn’t hate the cat, fear the cat, give power to the cat. We just opened our hearts, softened our tone and gained its trust.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Talk With Your Man: Getting Him To Open Up!
Sounded easy but how were we going to pull this of. After all, we were angry at men, afraid of their rejection and did give them lots of power over our lives. We were already trying so hard to open our hearts and soften our tone but our efforts were in vain because they weren’t authentic due to our fears, insecurities and negative feelings.
How was I supposed to be a sweetie pie to my man when all I wanted to do was scream in his face?! Dramatic, I know, but it was the truth!
So I told Sarah, look, let’s do what we can to be happier and stop giving our men all the power. Maybe they don’t even want the power. She agreed. We make a pact to stop talking about our men and find ways to boost our self-esteem and level of happiness and fulfillment for life.
We started dance classes together, went on a vacation together where we banned the conversation of men entirely. For the first day it was hard to find things to talk about. We realized then and there how much energy and time we spent on men. Soon, we were both in great dance-body shape, had picked up three new hobbies between the both of us, and felt so much better inside.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Build Emotional Intimacy In Your Marriage
And guess what else happened– my man started coming around. Things were slow to change for us, but I gradually felt more and more like I was taking my power back. I was honest to him more about my needs and feelings, but because he didn’t have power over me, I wasn’t angry when I spoke or blamed him and criticized. I started laughing more around the house and my laughter and happiness was drawing him toward me. Suddenly he wanted to involve himself in my conversations, “What’s so funny, baby?” or “My, my, someone’s happy lately?” He started inviting me to dinner and treating me like his “love empress”. It was amazing.
And Sarah was having the same results with the two guys she was casually seeing.
Inspire Him With Your Enthusiasm For Life
We vowed then and there to never go back. We realized we were happier and our men were too. See, men want to help, provide, do and take care, but when they don’t feel happy about the relationship, they feel trapped into doing these things and they rebel. When you INSPIRE him with your LIGHT, they want to break their backs to keep that light in their lives.
So stop worrying about changing him and worry about you! Put you first and think about ways to change your happiness WITHOUT his involvement. You’ll see– he’ll notice!
Be proactive about your bliss. If he’s not doing it for you, no amount of wanting, whining, needing or crying will help. No amount of pretending you are fine and following him around like you don’t have a life of your own will help you find solutions to the question; “How do I make my husband change?”
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Make Your Husband Want You By Stopping The Nice Wife Routine!
You can do it. If I did, you can too!
If you need help, sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter. It’s all about how to feel better about you and put you FIRST, while also learning our tips on how to talk with a man and act with him in ways that will bring him closer!
What Husbands Can’t Resist
Save The Marriage E-book
Secret Survey: What Men Desperately Want You To Know
1000 Questions For Couples
How To Handle Your Jealousy
I don’t think you need me to tell you that your green-eyed-monster side isn’t going to help your relationship. The question is how to handle your jealousy?
This article is coauthored by Sarah Jeanette.
Is your man giving you some indirect reasons to be a jealous woman:
- Is he“half there” in your relationship?
- Maybe he is polite and kind but his words and actions seem devoid of passion and real desire?
- Does he touch you and make love to you like he’s opening a door for a lady or pulling out a chair for her to sit down–like he’s just going through the gestures?
- Is he unfazed by events like your anniversary or mother’s day?
- And other times is he just not around at all–coming home late or making excuses for why he can’t spend more time with you?
- Maybe he doesn’t even try to be polite and is grouchy and irritable all the time, treating every one of your requests and needs like they are annoying sacrifices of his time and energy?
- Does his lackluster treatment of you make you have suspicions that there may be another woman in his life or that he secretly wants to stray but hasn’t yet?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, let us ask you this, too:
Are you feeling angry with jealousy and scared with insecurities, due to these behaviors he is exhibiting? Do you feel like your jealousy is pushing him even further away?
If so, Sarah knows exactly what you are feeling right now. She dated this one man who unintentionally was always making her feeling jealous of other women. At first he seemed REALLY into her and was very attentive and generous with his time and affection. Soon into dating him, he was less so and she was finding herself always looking around at other women and comparing herself to them.
Read More From The Relationship Advice Blog For Women: How To Share Your Feelings With Him
She couldn’t pass a beautiful woman while with her boyfriend and not look at him to see if he was looking at her. She would ask him questions sometimes about his interest in other women at his job or would try to solicit compliments from him. He hated these questions and always said she was “fishing” for reassurance. She ran herself crazy exercising, dieting, and primping all the time. And when she was too emotional to keep the diet or to exercise one day, she would beat herself up even more.
It wasn’t like he was trying to make her jealous or was giving her obvious, direct messages that she wasn’t “enough” for him. He never said, “I wish you would look like this or do this in bed!” She just felt these things from him, like a vibe he was giving off in his uninspired actions. He did seem a little disenchanted with her, a little uninspired to touch her, caress her, crave to be around her. She felt like he was just “going through the motions” and she was not happy in the relationship.
She never spoke with him directly about her feelings and didn’t know the ACTUAL REASONS for why he was acting like this. Maybe he was just like that in a relationship. But she wanted him to be more into her and their sex and this desire on her part was making her think that there was something wrong with HER.
I told her that she should investigate this feeling of inadequacy she was experiencing and try to discover where they were coming from inside her. I told Sarah that if she wasn’t willing to leave the relationship and find a man that always made her feel “enough”, she should talk to him about her feelings directly and not dance around things with “fishing” questions! said she should also try to do what she could to feel better about herself so that she wouldn’t take his behavior as a deeply wounding personal rejection.
Sarah did what I suggested and had a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend. She told him she felt jealous and insecure about his feelings for her. He told her he wasn’t cheating and did love her but that her insecurity of his feelings bugged him to the point where he didn’t want to work on things in the relationship and didn’t feel inspired to want to be closer to her. She was hurt but also relieved that he wasn’t cheating. She knew that if she wanted to stay with this man, she was going to have to deal with her insecurities on her own.
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Write Down Your Triggers
So Sarah started writing about her feelings in her journal and realized that she had constant worries about her boyfriend cheating with smart and funny women.
Why was she obsessing over the women being smart and funny? Maybe it was because he worked in the entertainment industry and was around a lot of funny and smart women all the time?
One day when she was out with him, he started talking about his crush on Chelsea Handler and she started to fume. She got so upset she almost walked out of the restaurant. The jealousy was so strong and it was then that she realized she never felt she was truly smart and funny growing up. Other loved ones knew she was smart and funny but Sarah didn’t feel that way about herself.
And when her boyfriend confirmed her gut suspicions that he liked funny, smart women, she realized that this was adding to her insecurity and making her feel jealous. The primping and obsessing about her looks was a way to compensate. If she couldn’t be funny and smart, she would at least be the most beautiful woman around.
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Well, instead of expending more energy on her boyfriend’s behavior in the relationship, she stopped letting his recently distant behavior dictate her happiness, and she started to focus on herself and work on her feelings about her worth as a woman.
Don’t Let Your Inner Voices Exaggerate Your Weaknesses, Or You Will Feel Inadequate!
She started to slowly embrace the fact that she WAS smart and funny. She accepted that she may not have been The Smartest or The Funniest woman but that she was definitely no dumb blonde and could tell a solid joke, so she wasn’t The Stupidest or The Dullest woman either.
Once she started accepting that she was funnier and smarter than she allowed herself to believe she was, something happened–she stopping being so jealous all the time. She stopped worrying that she wasn’t enough for her boyfriend. She stopped thinking that his moods were about her.
And guess what else happened? He started to change! He started to call more often and look at her with passion in his eyes. He started telling her how amazing she was all the time. One night he said to her, “I feel good about things! You are such a great woman–so sweet, sexy, FUNNY and SMART!”
Sarah couldn’t believe her ears!
It was like he knew!
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But the truth was, he didn’t KNOW, he just felt a shift in her vibe around him and this inspired him. Her new-found self-acceptance inspired him to give her the compliments she was “fishing” for before.
Don’t Push Him Away With A Skewed Self-Image
See, your man may be feeling disenchanted by the relationship because your jealousy is pushing him away–directly or indirectly.
Something about his behavior is feeding some insecurity in you. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or that you are a green-eyed monster! It just means that the universe is telling you something through him– that you have to heal a part of yourself that he is magnifying through his actions and words.
Out of desperation and deep need, you may directly be nagging him, questioning him, yelling at him, sulking, throwing yourself at him with a constant need for reassurance…
You may be trying to APPEAR confident but aren’t feeling that way and are doing subtle, indirect things in the relationship that are making him feel less attracted to you–even is HE doesn’t realize it. You could be putting yourself down a lot in conversation or being hyper critical of other women you secretly envy, or slouching when you walk in a way that looks apologetic,etc…
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Three Ways To Keep Your Man From Walking
You should always be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, but sometimes we can push that kind of man away and he can start acting in a way that confirms our insecurities. Then, a vicious cycle starts where we feel insecure and act it and then he gets off-put and we feel MORE insecure and he moves further away!
But the thing is, we can’t look for constant reassurance from an already-uninspired man. If he feels drained and exhausted from your insecurities, he won’t want to reassure you. At these times, you have to reassure yourself.
In fact, you should always be your own best cheerleader and healer! His love is only part of the solution.
The Mistress Exercise
If you want to inspire your man to treat you with more passionate attention, try the following exercise called The Mistress Exercise to start getting to know your own insecurities and learn how to handle your jealousy…
(Don’t do this exercise if your man IS cheating. This is not a way to start feeling insecure about yourself, it’s a way to start putting all of yourself into your relationship. This isn’t about a REAL mistress that exists in your man’s life. This ISN’T about the types of women HE talks about liking. This is about YOUR fears, which you subconsciously might think are your weaknesses as a woman in a relationship.)
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What you do is this…
Go to a place in your home where you can be alone and feel safe to be vulnerable.
Close your eyes and think about your insecurities in the relationship.
Breathe deep and allow your fears to surface.
When you feel jealousy and agitation running through your body…
Imagine you are outside of a small, intimate café in a small vacation-town in the middle of winter.
The Mistress Exercise will shed light on your deepest insecurities so that you don’t sabotage your relationship by feeling ‘not enough’!
It’s cold and dark outside. You are bundled in a coat and looking through the frosted glass of the café’s windows.
Inside the café, at a small, cozy, candle-lite table in the corner, sits your man…
…With another woman. (This cannot be a woman he is ACTUALLY cheating with–this is AN IMAGINARY woman, or FAMOUS woman. This is the woman you would MOST FEAR your husband cheating with. For me, it’s Angelina Jolie. For Sarah, it’s Chelsea Handler)
They (your man and her) are laughing and are physically very close. He is clearly very into her.
The two of them are experiencing the opposite of what you are at this moment–they are warm with love, they are happy, they are both feeling connected to another human…
As you lean into the window further, you take your attention off of him and his behavior, and instead you begin to hone in on HER.
What does she look like?
Is she beautiful? Is she beautiful in a way you are not? More edgy perhaps? More feminine style of dressing?
Examine her head-to-toe.
Now, imagine you have a 5th sense and you can know a person’s personality just by seeing them once.
Look closely at her and the way she is behaving and begin to pick apart her personality.
Is she a soft- spoken woman? Is she playful and kind? Is she a great lover who surrenders to a man’s touch? Is she vulnerable and comfortable sharing her emotions with a man in a tender way?
Now read her thoughts. What are they like? Is she all-trusting and happy to be with him? Is she scared of love but quietly risking moments of intimacy, despite her fears?
Open your eyes and write all about her.
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Get every detail of this mistress, who has stolen your man in your fantasy, out on paper!
Now, when you are done, write a SELF-SOOTHING mantra and say it aloud to calm yourself. Something like:
“I’ve finished this exercise and now I release my jealousy and insecurities into the universe. I know that I am a woman who is worth loving and has every one of the qualities of this fantasy mistress inside me right now. I find peace in my self-discovery and I am happiest when I live free of denial.”
We want you to look at this list!
The words on this list are parts of YOURSELF you are NOT surrendering to him and the relationship but subconsciously WANT TO.
If this imaginary mistress is dressed like a goddess in pink and gold chiffon, perhaps you want to dress more youthful and elegantly alluring, but are afraid of that power or feel too uncomfortable with your figure to do so.
If this imaginary mistress has a velvety caress, silky hair, and a buttery smile, those things are aspects of a very sensual, feminine woman. Are you allowing thoughts to cloud your existence and stop your body from FEELING all your senses at work?
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Have Too Much Masculine Energy With Men?
If she is laughing with him and is a curly-headed blond who is bubbling with cheerful delight, perhaps you are not allowing yourself to be playful and high-spirited in the relationship. Maybe you are bogged down with HEAVINESS and neurosis and can’t seize the moment and throw your life pain and insecurities in the relationship aside for a few laughs.
Use this exercise –NOT TO GIVE YOU MORE INSECURITIES– but to allow yourself to start being the woman you want to be in your relationship. The woman you WANT to be but can’t OWN inside yourself.
This mistress is just the parts of you that you are insecure about.
Once you address these issues, you will do the exercise again and see that she has changed into a different woman with new qualities you will want to address about yourself.
We want to help ease your fears about HIM so you can trust him and can surrender ALL of YOURSELF to your relationship. How? By working on what YOU subconsciously or consciously feel are your weaknesses and then accepting yourself more.
You can’t control your man, and men cheat for a myriad of reasons–many of which are not about us. But you can work on your fears so that you don’t inadvertently push him away from you.
Remember, this article and exercise are about taming fears you know are IRRATIONAL. A lot of the time we bring our insecurities in a relationship and make something a man’s fault, even if it isn’t. This can make him feel less attracted to you because he feels exhausted by your need for reassurance or because he feels off-put by your insecurities.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Help! Bring Him To Me! How To Ease Obsessive Energy!
In my Love Advice Newsletters, I will help ease your insecurities and give you the courage and self-knowledge to go out and be the bewitching and enchanting woman who inspires her man’s love.
I’ll take you by the hand and kickstart your journey toward becoming a solution-oriented, fearless Love Empress who isn’t afraid to peer inside the dark crevices of her soul and feel more confident as a result.
We also give tools and exercises to help you improve upon the areas of yourself where you feel insecure so you can re-ignite his passion for you.
Why live with fears and push a good man away? You deserve a great relationship!
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Is He Cold To You? Handle Him This Way!
If you want to learn how to stop feeding your insecurities and start feeling like a gorgeous enchantress who knows exactly how to magnetize men effortlessly, take a peek at my newest e-book Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You and learn the 27 secrets to unleashing your FEMALE FIRE and being a man magnet.
No More Jealousy by clicking here.
Secret Survey: What Men Desperately Want You To Know
Women Men Adore
Go Looking For a Nice Guy Who Isn’t Needy
A nice guy makes YOU the center of his world, not his motorcycle!
If you are looking for a relationship that ADDS to your health and happiness, go looking for a nice guy.
A common complaint these days is that there are too many commitment-phobic men; however, many women with a pattern of dating commitment-phobic men are usually commitment-phobic themselves.
Most of us ladies who are continually attracted to controlling, moody, or angry bad boys (or emotionally unavailable men) are more comfortable CHASING or YEARNING for better, happier love than actually experiencing the deep closeness that comes from a loving, stable relationship with a man who is healthy enough to provide that kind of calm, CONSISTENT connection.
There are also many MEN who are more subconsciously comfortable when they YEARN and CHASE love. These men are typically “love addicts.” They are addicted to the adrenaline and dopamine releases that occur inside them when they are pining for a woman. They are also (ironically enough) subconsciously addicted to the lows they feel when they are rejected by the women they love.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Is He Toxic? Signs To Tell
This pattern of highs and lows is usually established in childhood, and they can’t break it easily. Love addicts are needy, insecure, unhappy, fearful, and anxious and think that a lover will unrealistically heal all their issues and cure all their problems. They can overwhelm you with their emotional needs, leaving you feeling drained and trapped. Plus, they are only interested in romancing the idea of love and are not capable of a long-term, solid, consistent, practical, deep romantic love relationship.
Male love addicts are not to be confused with good guys, who thrive as part of a twosome.
Good guys are stable. They are capable of connection and emotionally available. They probably are a little dorky and not as attractive as their bad boy counterparts. They are not too forward with a woman, but not distant either. For example, they will wait a day to call a woman, but won’t dance around expressing their feelings to her.
They like the idea of partnership, and they are healthy enough to tolerate deep closeness. Because finding a life partner is not something they take lightly, they may come across as a bit nervous on dates. This is a good thing. This small amount of nervous insecurity shows that they are serious about finding love and don’t pride themselves on conquering women like a cocky player would.
(When women tell me that nervousness or insecurity in a man is extremely unattractive on a first date, I always tell them, “Hello, do you want a man who doesn’t care enough about impressing you to be nervous?”)
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Invite Healthy Love Into Your Life
Some women say good guys are needy. This is untrue—as long as a man is not giving you a hard time about wanting to see more of you (guilt trips, getting angry, crying, not listening to your needs for space), then he isn’t “needy,” he just likes you! (Remember, too, that a little irritation on his end is normal in love.)
Sometimes we confuse a guy who likes us with being needy. This can happen because we like a challenge and seek out men who are not that into us. When you’re attracted to men who could take you or leave you and are more into themselves and their moods than you, you’re going to find a man who actually wants you around and enjoys your company to be “too much,” “too clingy,” “too available,” and “too needy.”
See, many women are not comfortable being adored, cherished, and wooed. They may say they are and DEEPLY desire that kind of attention, but that doesn’t mean they are truly okay with it. It can make you anxious and suspicious when a man cares about you and wants to be around you and give you things, and that wariness can may you start thinking he’s annoying, intrusive, and boring.
If he calls you often and makes a noticeable effort to impress you, you should indulge him. So what if he isn’t uber-charming or extremely attractive? The really charming, attractive guys are the ones who are usually hard to hold onto.
If you go looking for a nice guy, you won’t have to deal with men who slip through your hands like water.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Find Mr. Right!
A really attractive man knows from a young age that he can get whatever he wants by using his looks. Many (not all) attractive men are angry inside. They feel like they have been exploited for their looks, and because of this, they have A LOT of issues surrounding attraction and romantic love. Sex and sexuality are skewed for them, and they end up narcissistic or afraid of women. They end up playing the field or having sex addictions. Again, not all attractive men are this way, but you are taking a gamble.
And charming guys? Well, if you are a commitment-phobic man who likes to avoid the “second act” of a relationship where things get deeper and messier, then of course you are going to be very charming—you have perfected “the hunt.” These charming men enjoy a woman—her company, her sex, her soothing touches, her challenges—but when things go to the next level, they are on to the next fun-time, zero-stress gal. George Clooney is a perfect example. If Stacy Keibler ever stops grinning all the time and starts having the deep, emotional needs that are natural in a committed relationship, he’ll probably be on the next train to Smiley Starlet-ville.
Now, if you don’t mind having a man in your life who is just a great companion on weekend outings and vacations and you don’t need emotional closeness, then keep looking for a charming Clooney type. But if you are looking for a man who will make you feel emotionally safe through ever-present, unconditional love and a stable relationship that takes work, then you’d better readjust your picker and go looking for a nice guy who makes you feel safe and cozy inside.
A nice guy wants companionship, and it’s first on his list. He sees life as more of a partnership than a solo ride. He wants to hold your feelings and reassure you of his love when you are feeling insecure. He sticks around for those months when things are rocky between you and doesn’t run off with some hottie from work. He likes when you share your feelings and needs, and he isn’t afraid to tend to those needs.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Insecure In Love? Stop Making Him Prove Himself!
A nice, good man is a born leader in love. He isn’t afraid of closeness or of stepping up, manning up, and being there for you. He may not ride a motorcycle, look like a movie star, or have the smarts and wits of a powerful executive, but he is knowledgeable about love and women. He isn’t looking to prove something about his manhood by having a trophy wife or a mistress on the side. He is man enough to know the preciousness of a woman and how to cherish the goddess he knows you are. He will give you room to be moody and emotional, but he isn’t a doormat either. He politely and kindly puts you in your place.
So, know your priorities in a relationship, and if closeness and stability are top on your list, look for a good man. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can totally change a difficult man. And please don’t wait years and years for Mr. Perfect (a nice guy with bad-boy looks and charm) to come along and want you over all the other women out there. Reach for your dream relationship, not your dream man, or you could end up with only dreams to put you to sleep in a cold bed.
Visit my website RelationshipAdviceInspireHisLoveForYou.com, and take a gander at my e-program Inspire His Love for You. It’s designed for women who need to give their man a little push in the devotion and commitment department. On the site, you can also sign up for the FREE Inspire His Love for You newsletter, which is packed with goodies about how to unlock a man’s heart, how to seek out the right men, and how to ease anxiety about getting close to a man!
Looking for a nice guy is something that smart, proactive and successful women know to do! You want to chase pavement or you want to get as many happy, loving and family-oriented moments out of life as possible?!
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