He Relishes Your Attention But Could He Ever Love You?
Article I wrote for YourTango.com:
He returns your text messages. He calls you back. He takes you up on invitations to spend time together. He eats your cooking and humbly accepts your gifts. Maybe he even admits that he deeply cares for you. But, he gets an ‘F’ for effort.
If you don’t reach out, he’s M.I.A. He won’t initiate contact. He doesn’t buy you gifts or do thoughtful things for you. Not to mention, he’s been clear since the beginning about not wanting a real relationship with you. So, could he still, one day, love you? Or is your heart destined to be broken? Here are some questions to ponder.
1. What Do You Think Would Happen If You Let Go?
If it feels like you’re singlehandedly holding the dating relationship together, then you probably are. If you feel like he’d float away if you loosened your white-knuckled clinch on him, then he probably would.
2. Does He Act Guilty?
Most opportunistic jerks don’t enjoy hurting women. It’s just a nasty byproduct. And chances are, if this guy is using you, he is no exception.
He feels guilty about toying with your feelings and it’s going to show on his face. He will seem emotionally heavy at times and may display misdirected self-hatred at you, acting sniping and mean.
He may also, and this can be very confusing, show deep levels of empathy at times– listening to your problems with a concerned expression or touching you with loving affection. This could be more related to his guilty feelings than to any real compassion for your person. Because, let’s face it, if he had compassion for you, he’d release you to find real love.
3. Does He Have A Sordid Romantic History?
Listen to the way he talks about women and previous relationships. Does he play the victim? “She was so controlling” or “I’m complicated and women don’t understand me.” If he has a history of not being accountable and blaming women for being “crazy,” then your relationship is probably never going to go anywhere.
You’ll end up enraged by his lack of accountability and empathy in the non-relationship you share and you’ll become his perpetrator, too. He won’t be able to see how his actions push you to attack; he will only see your “angry, controlling ways.”
What To Do To Keep Your Man From Walking
An article I wrote for YourTango.com:
Does the man you love remind you of water—dripping out of your hands the more you try to hold onto him? I know how frustrating it can be to be madly in love with a guy who doesn’t reciprocate; it doesn’t matter how often you contact him, try to force heart-to-hearts, offer solutions or try to prove to him that you aren’t going to hurt him. You break your back trying but sweat and tears just don’t help you keep your man. It sucks.
In my own life, I remember one relationship where I found myself ‘selling’ the relationship to him like I was presenting a project to investors at work: “Don’t forget how much we laugh together”; “I promise to cook more for you on the weekends”; “Maybe you need to look at us from this other angle.” It was awful and it felt so demeaning. Yet I couldn’t stop myself because I was hooked on the ‘if only’: If only he could see how easy and amazing it could be; if only he just gave in, our life together would be fabulous; if only I could convince him of my love and prove to him that I wasn’t going anywhere.
If you want to keep your man, you’re going to have to let go of the ‘if only’ and risk losing him entirely. If you want to keep your man, you’re going to have to trust that he knows what’s best for him and not try to control his feelings or his actions in the relationship.
To Keep Your Man, Communicate Your Feelings Instead of Analyze His
Imagine the shoe on the other foot and you are in his position. Imagine you are seeing a guy, and, for some reason that you can’t quite sort out, you aren’t really feeling him anymore.
Now imagine that he senses your distancing and starts to try and pull you toward him. He starts appealing to your feelings and compromising his needs in the process. He makes wild promises of unconditional love and says he will jump through whatever hoops he needs to in order to keep you. He calls often and brings up the relationship every chance he gets. He experiences waves of sadness, anger and neediness and all the while he just wants answers.
This behavior would probably make you feel guilty and smothered.
But what if intstead he tells you how your confusing, mixed messages make him feel? What if he communicates to you all the pain you’ve caused him and that he’s not going to put up with it anymore:
“I love you and care deeply about this relationship but right now I’m lonely, confused, angry and lost here. I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t want us this way either. If you can’t talk with me about what’s going on with you, I understand that, but I can’t be part of this pain anymore. When you know what you want or are able to talk with me more about your needs in this relationship, let me know and we can see where we both are at that point.”
Wouldn’t you feel more pressure to figure out your feelings and decide if you want that relationship? Wouldn’t you respect him more and see that he’s the kind of diplomatic, caring-yet-confident person that you might not want to lose?
5 Empowered Dating Tips For A Smart Woman: FINDING YOUR FEMININE
Too many women confuse feeling empowered with acting like a ball buster. Partaking in Empowered Dating is all about embracing and exposing more uncomfortable, vulnerable, tender feelings instead of smearing on globs of strong ‘n sassy (men find this challenging more than inviting). Empowered Dating is about being brave enough to sit in the anxious, yucky, totally-out-of-your-comfort-zone feelings associated with letting down your guard.
The key is to allow yourself to feel and share your “emotional nakedness” with men while having a sense of ownership. Owning your feelings and not allowing them to pour over and overwhelm you and your date will enable you share more of yourself and will help him feel safer coming closer and “holding” some of those feelings for you. It will also make you feel more confident, which is the goal of Empowered Dating!
1. Smart women are vulnerable but never susceptible. The difference between being a soft, sensitive, lush and emotionally florid creature a man would want to snatch up and love forever and being a needy, over-emotional, dramatic woman who makes men run away, has everything to do with susceptibility.
Are you susceptible to losing yourself in a man? Are you susceptible to feeling overwhlemed with neediness and other insecurities? Do you allow your feelings for a man to make you so weak for him that you compromise your self-respect and dignity just to connect with him? My dating advice for women always includes finding YOUR CENTER (your base, your core, your spiritual and emotional HOME) and not FLOOD a man with too many emotional needs!
2. Smart women are grounded but not guarded. If you feel you are susceptible to your more needy side, it’s time you find your grounding. I call it making a conscious effort to “sit on your hands” and not reach out to men. Sharing and exposing your true feelings, needs, wants, dislikes, etc. should be done from a grounded place — from a place of feeling like you aren’t uncontained, needy and out of control emotionally.
A lot of women, unfortunately, confuse being grounded with being guarded. Being grounded actually allows you to not be guarded, but instead to be vulnerable and open. Once you feel yourself walling up, shutting down, getting brittle, putting on a friendly, sexy, fun “act” for a man to hide your true self, you are losing your grounding and becoming guarded as a result. Empowered dating is all about feeling as open as one of those saloon doors in the Old West– swinging open without ever locking! When you follow this dating advice for women, you immediately appear more attractive to men– more fluid in your body, tension-free in your face and shoulders, and playful in your way of being!
Or… Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You for more delicious advice on men!
Be A Man Magnet & Fondue Yourself
If you want to be a man magnet, you have to give him incentive to come closer. By incentive I DON’T mean you coming closer to him by doing things for him, dressing like the woman you think he wants, etc. I mean that you have to draw him in with your authenticity– almost by accident. With your vulnerability.
When you can soften your edges, you create a safe, tender, sweet and cozy place for a man to let down his guard and share his underbelly. Men have it tough in society, and they have so many emotional walls as a result of having to “man up” all the time. It’s important for a man to find that special woman who makes him feel emotionally safe to expose his vulnerability and who guides him toward an effective way for him to process his emotions.
How To Soften Your Edges & Be A Man Magnet!
Time to take your rough, severe corners and soften them. Time to feel like buttery velvet inside and out. Time to walk, talk and act like the kind of woman who’s sensual, fleshy and cozy like a microfiber bathrobe. That’s the kind of woman a man wants to rub up against—physically and emotionally.
Think of yourself as fondue. If you currently have a lot of brittle, “ice queen” energy, it’s time to take your hard chocolate bar and melt it into a sweet, soft, sassy and succulent woman!
Goddess Love Help: Owning Your Feelings
Softening is about owning your feelings and heightening your senses. Too many people think that owning feelings is about walling up and hardening your heart. This is actually DISOWNING your feelings.
Owning your feelings is about knowing yourself, feeling all your emotion, processing feelings and not letting them make choices for you. When you hide your feelings and stay unemotional, your subconscious starts wreaking havoc on your relationships. Your motives become suspicious and you don’t even see it. Suddenly, relationship problems rain down on you and you start to feel victimized!
You start care-giving and catering and pretending you’re something you aren’t and suddenly he feels controlled and managed.
How To Soften
It’s time to get out of your head and into your heart. It’s time to step into the NOW and celebrate the moment. Instead of trying to snag, trap and hook a man into a commitment, let’s work on what YOU feel inside at any given moment (breath by breath, I call it) and how your feelings surrounding your relationships with men are affecting your overall happiness.
Next time you are with a man, keep the focus off him. Forget analyzing his thoughts, his behavior, his words, etc. Forget strategies to make him happy and get him to love you. Instead, focus on what you feel while with him. Focus on how his energy, his behavior, his life-force makes you feel.
You’ll notice trends. You’ll see that a certain man actually makes you feel bad, anxious and insecure and that you’ve been masking those feelings by chasing him. You’ll see that the boring guys you aren’t attracted to are actually the ones who make you feel nice and safe and blissful.
Focusing on your feelings helps you get back in charge of your self-worth and that softens you.
When you step into your feelings (taking the time to check in with yourself) you start feeling empowered. You start realizing what makes you unhappy and happy and you start making subtle shifts to self-soothe. This grounds you. This makes you stop looking to him to “save” your yucky feelings and puts you in the driver’s seat of your heart.
When you self-soothe and listen to your soul and heart, your brittleness falls away. You start TRUSTING yourself to take care of yourself. This allows you to be vulnerable with men and be soft around them because you aren’t as sensitive to their woundings. See, we get frosty with men because we are soooo mushy inside. It’s time to be mushy on the outside and grounded on the inside.
Feeling your emotions is the first step. However, heightening your senses is important for making him attracted to you. When you enjoy the textures, sounds, visuals, tastes and smells around you, you lure a man into your world. He wants to get lost in you. He wants you to be his vacation.
Just like you go on vacation to pretty places to eat amazing food and make love in comfy hotel beds, a man wants to feel like time with you is a celebration of life. He wants to witness you enjoying what you see, hear, touch, smell and taste when out with him. It’s Oohs and Ahhs. It’s squeals and hypnotic whispers. It’s tears over a breathtaking sunset and a sexy dance when an R&B song hits the radio… He then feels alive in your presence.
Making a man feel alive inside makes you a man magnet!
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. It’s dating advice for women (or love help for those with relationship problems) about how to be a man magnet and enchant men with your soft outsides and strong, grounded insides.
Be Irresistible to Men: Owning Your Female Fire!
To be irresistible to men, a lady must first truly fall in love with herself, tending and nurturing HER own happiness, instead of trying to nurture and please ANY MAN!
If you think that to be irresistible to men is to act like Perfect Patty (laughing all the time, hiding all your negative feelings, having a perfect body, cooking perfect meals and being Suzy Homemaker in your free time), you are asking your man to fall in love with an illusion of you and not with YOU.
Men want women who accept themselves, know their worth and embrace their flaws with grace and kindness! When you are not afraid to be imperfect and to expose all your glorious flaws to a man, then you will end up with a much better relationship. You will end up with a man who truly loves and adores the real you… even when you are in curlers, sans make-up and toting a mini-skirt after lunch at Hometown Buffet!
Now, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t be mindful. Meaning what exactly? Meaning you shouldn’t use the excuse of self-acceptance to be a jerk in your relationship. You shouldn’t assume, “Well, this is me and he has to accept me as I am!”
You should always be aware of how you act in the relationship and always be a considerate and compassionate partner. Don’t be some diva and throw your weight around and think that a quality man who isn’t a doormat is going to stick around. But don’t try to fool him either, making him think you are a saint and a trophy woman. Being an attractive woman isn’t about hiding your ugly feelings and competing for best perma-smile!
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Are You A Clingy Girlfriend With A Needy Vibe?
How to be irresistible to men: Find Your Female Fire!
Female Fire is your true feminine essence, your passion for life, level of confidence, wild and carefree spirit… Your fire is your sassiness and your boldness. It gives you freedom to speak your mind and makes you strong enough to share your vulnerability and insecurities with any man. Your Female Fire is what gives you permission to feel highly sexual and never ashamed or inhibited about your sexuality and/or your body.
How do you find your Female Fire in order to be irresistible to men? You stop the kinds of thought patterns that will leave you emotionally drained and fearful of love, and you start listening to your heart and passions. You know that anxious feeling you get when you feel powerless to negativity and you can’t stop marinating in it? That hard-to-control feeling will eat at your mental health and bog you down. It will eventually dwindle your Fire and turn you into a shadow of your best self, and no man wants a shadow creeping up on him.
When you are feeling down due to a man’s behavior in a relationship, it’s so easy to call your girlfriends and harp on and on about the dismal state of your love life. It’s a temporary relief to complain and complain about him to anyone who will listen. But doing this sets you off on a path of self-defeat. It’s really hard to get off the phone after complaining for an hour and go do something productive and up lifting.
It’s like when you stop working out and don’t eat well, thus feeling lethargic and moody, which leave you without the will to further workout. A vicious cycle starts up and you soon feel awful, disappointed in yourself, hard on yourself, and depressed about your life. The same thing can happen in your relationships with men. If you allow a relationship to bring you down and make you feel bad, you will end up feeling like a bad version of yourself in that relationship and because of that relationship.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Be Confident With Men
Refocus Your Energy Away From Drama
Your female fire is your best you! And to feel it, you have to stay positive and proactive. You can still feel all your feelings (negative and really dark) but you can’t allow those feelings to make choices for you. You can’t let drama and heartache rule your days and make you focus on ‘he-said-she-said’s, instead of on things that make you happy and make you feel good.
When you take your focus off the drama and pain of love and put all that energy into your hobbies, or the aspects of your job that you love, or your family, or your favorite sport, you start feeding the fire, and the fire in turn feeds your ability to have a great relationship. It’s a shift that happens inside you– a choice you make in a moment to stop allowing negativity to be absorbed into your bloodstream.
Your fire, when blazing fierce, gives you the spunk and drive to tell a man what you feel, what you need and how much you love him. It gives you the ability to drop your insecurities and laugh. It gives you to chance to take a yucky, sticky situation in which your man seems disenchanted with you, and turn it into an opportunity to show him how well you can go with the flow of life and not let his issues with the relationship suck you dry of tears and love.
So next time your man says something or does something that makes you feel angry, insecure or sad, feel those feelings and express them to him, but then find a way to take care of yourself and keep your fire blazing. Go do something that makes you happy and do something that shows him that you are too fierce to just wait around with a frown.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: In An Imaginary Relationship? Don’t Be A Pit-Stop!
Giving men power over your life’s happiness is NOT attractive and makes men feel burdened. When you can express yourself and then move onto something uplifting without spiraling into a cycle of drama and anxiety, you are sending him a very clear message without ever having to say it directly: “Buddy, if you want this Fire blazing through your life, get with the program or get out of my blessed way!”
Check out my e-book, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. In the book I offer 27 enchantress secrets to help you own your female fire and magnetize men effortlessly. So few men know how to act chivalrous these days. This book will get you the chivalrous treatment you deserve! It will help make you magnetic and show you exactly how to begin being irresistible to men.
Sex & Heart (How to be a more sensual & sexual woman)
Seduction Genie (How to seduce men with your Fire)
How To Handle Your Jealousy
I don’t think you need me to tell you that your green-eyed-monster side isn’t going to help your relationship. The question is how to handle your jealousy?
This article is coauthored by Sarah Jeanette.
Is your man giving you some indirect reasons to be a jealous woman:
- Is he“half there” in your relationship?
- Maybe he is polite and kind but his words and actions seem devoid of passion and real desire?
- Does he touch you and make love to you like he’s opening a door for a lady or pulling out a chair for her to sit down–like he’s just going through the gestures?
- Is he unfazed by events like your anniversary or mother’s day?
- And other times is he just not around at all–coming home late or making excuses for why he can’t spend more time with you?
- Maybe he doesn’t even try to be polite and is grouchy and irritable all the time, treating every one of your requests and needs like they are annoying sacrifices of his time and energy?
- Does his lackluster treatment of you make you have suspicions that there may be another woman in his life or that he secretly wants to stray but hasn’t yet?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, let us ask you this, too:
Are you feeling angry with jealousy and scared with insecurities, due to these behaviors he is exhibiting? Do you feel like your jealousy is pushing him even further away?
If so, Sarah knows exactly what you are feeling right now. She dated this one man who unintentionally was always making her feeling jealous of other women. At first he seemed REALLY into her and was very attentive and generous with his time and affection. Soon into dating him, he was less so and she was finding herself always looking around at other women and comparing herself to them.
Read More From The Relationship Advice Blog For Women: How To Share Your Feelings With Him
She couldn’t pass a beautiful woman while with her boyfriend and not look at him to see if he was looking at her. She would ask him questions sometimes about his interest in other women at his job or would try to solicit compliments from him. He hated these questions and always said she was “fishing” for reassurance. She ran herself crazy exercising, dieting, and primping all the time. And when she was too emotional to keep the diet or to exercise one day, she would beat herself up even more.
It wasn’t like he was trying to make her jealous or was giving her obvious, direct messages that she wasn’t “enough” for him. He never said, “I wish you would look like this or do this in bed!” She just felt these things from him, like a vibe he was giving off in his uninspired actions. He did seem a little disenchanted with her, a little uninspired to touch her, caress her, crave to be around her. She felt like he was just “going through the motions” and she was not happy in the relationship.
She never spoke with him directly about her feelings and didn’t know the ACTUAL REASONS for why he was acting like this. Maybe he was just like that in a relationship. But she wanted him to be more into her and their sex and this desire on her part was making her think that there was something wrong with HER.
I told her that she should investigate this feeling of inadequacy she was experiencing and try to discover where they were coming from inside her. I told Sarah that if she wasn’t willing to leave the relationship and find a man that always made her feel “enough”, she should talk to him about her feelings directly and not dance around things with “fishing” questions! said she should also try to do what she could to feel better about herself so that she wouldn’t take his behavior as a deeply wounding personal rejection.
Sarah did what I suggested and had a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend. She told him she felt jealous and insecure about his feelings for her. He told her he wasn’t cheating and did love her but that her insecurity of his feelings bugged him to the point where he didn’t want to work on things in the relationship and didn’t feel inspired to want to be closer to her. She was hurt but also relieved that he wasn’t cheating. She knew that if she wanted to stay with this man, she was going to have to deal with her insecurities on her own.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: How To Touch A Man!
Write Down Your Triggers
So Sarah started writing about her feelings in her journal and realized that she had constant worries about her boyfriend cheating with smart and funny women.
Why was she obsessing over the women being smart and funny? Maybe it was because he worked in the entertainment industry and was around a lot of funny and smart women all the time?
One day when she was out with him, he started talking about his crush on Chelsea Handler and she started to fume. She got so upset she almost walked out of the restaurant. The jealousy was so strong and it was then that she realized she never felt she was truly smart and funny growing up. Other loved ones knew she was smart and funny but Sarah didn’t feel that way about herself.
And when her boyfriend confirmed her gut suspicions that he liked funny, smart women, she realized that this was adding to her insecurity and making her feel jealous. The primping and obsessing about her looks was a way to compensate. If she couldn’t be funny and smart, she would at least be the most beautiful woman around.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog From Women: Insecure In Love? Stop Making Him Prove Himself
Well, instead of expending more energy on her boyfriend’s behavior in the relationship, she stopped letting his recently distant behavior dictate her happiness, and she started to focus on herself and work on her feelings about her worth as a woman.
Don’t Let Your Inner Voices Exaggerate Your Weaknesses, Or You Will Feel Inadequate!
She started to slowly embrace the fact that she WAS smart and funny. She accepted that she may not have been The Smartest or The Funniest woman but that she was definitely no dumb blonde and could tell a solid joke, so she wasn’t The Stupidest or The Dullest woman either.
Once she started accepting that she was funnier and smarter than she allowed herself to believe she was, something happened–she stopping being so jealous all the time. She stopped worrying that she wasn’t enough for her boyfriend. She stopped thinking that his moods were about her.
And guess what else happened? He started to change! He started to call more often and look at her with passion in his eyes. He started telling her how amazing she was all the time. One night he said to her, “I feel good about things! You are such a great woman–so sweet, sexy, FUNNY and SMART!”
Sarah couldn’t believe her ears!
It was like he knew!
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Put Up Personal Boundaries & Remove Emotional Walls
But the truth was, he didn’t KNOW, he just felt a shift in her vibe around him and this inspired him. Her new-found self-acceptance inspired him to give her the compliments she was “fishing” for before.
Don’t Push Him Away With A Skewed Self-Image
Something about his behavior is feeding some insecurity in you. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or that you are a green-eyed monster! It just means that the universe is telling you something through him– that you have to heal a part of yourself that he is magnifying through his actions and words.
Out of desperation and deep need, you may directly be nagging him, questioning him, yelling at him, sulking, throwing yourself at him with a constant need for reassurance…
You may be trying to APPEAR confident but aren’t feeling that way and are doing subtle, indirect things in the relationship that are making him feel less attracted to you–even is HE doesn’t realize it. You could be putting yourself down a lot in conversation or being hyper critical of other women you secretly envy, or slouching when you walk in a way that looks apologetic,etc…
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Three Ways To Keep Your Man From Walking
You should always be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, but sometimes we can push that kind of man away and he can start acting in a way that confirms our insecurities. Then, a vicious cycle starts where we feel insecure and act it and then he gets off-put and we feel MORE insecure and he moves further away!
But the thing is, we can’t look for constant reassurance from an already-uninspired man. If he feels drained and exhausted from your insecurities, he won’t want to reassure you. At these times, you have to reassure yourself.
In fact, you should always be your own best cheerleader and healer! His love is only part of the solution.
The Mistress Exercise
If you want to inspire your man to treat you with more passionate attention, try the following exercise called The Mistress Exercise to start getting to know your own insecurities and learn how to handle your jealousy…
(Don’t do this exercise if your man IS cheating. This is not a way to start feeling insecure about yourself, it’s a way to start putting all of yourself into your relationship. This isn’t about a REAL mistress that exists in your man’s life. This ISN’T about the types of women HE talks about liking. This is about YOUR fears, which you subconsciously might think are your weaknesses as a woman in a relationship.)
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Having Goddess Energy
What you do is this…
Go to a place in your home where you can be alone and feel safe to be vulnerable.
Close your eyes and think about your insecurities in the relationship.
Breathe deep and allow your fears to surface.
When you feel jealousy and agitation running through your body…
Imagine you are outside of a small, intimate café in a small vacation-town in the middle of winter.
It’s cold and dark outside. You are bundled in a coat and looking through the frosted glass of the café’s windows.
Inside the café, at a small, cozy, candle-lite table in the corner, sits your man…
…With another woman. (This cannot be a woman he is ACTUALLY cheating with–this is AN IMAGINARY woman, or FAMOUS woman. This is the woman you would MOST FEAR your husband cheating with. For me, it’s Angelina Jolie. For Sarah, it’s Chelsea Handler)
They (your man and her) are laughing and are physically very close. He is clearly very into her.
The two of them are experiencing the opposite of what you are at this moment–they are warm with love, they are happy, they are both feeling connected to another human…
As you lean into the window further, you take your attention off of him and his behavior, and instead you begin to hone in on HER.
What does she look like?
Is she beautiful? Is she beautiful in a way you are not? More edgy perhaps? More feminine style of dressing?
Examine her head-to-toe.
Now, imagine you have a 5th sense and you can know a person’s personality just by seeing them once.
Look closely at her and the way she is behaving and begin to pick apart her personality.
Is she a soft- spoken woman? Is she playful and kind? Is she a great lover who surrenders to a man’s touch? Is she vulnerable and comfortable sharing her emotions with a man in a tender way?
Now read her thoughts. What are they like? Is she all-trusting and happy to be with him? Is she scared of love but quietly risking moments of intimacy, despite her fears?
Open your eyes and write all about her.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: In Love With A Married Man?
Get every detail of this mistress, who has stolen your man in your fantasy, out on paper!
Now, when you are done, write a SELF-SOOTHING mantra and say it aloud to calm yourself. Something like:
“I’ve finished this exercise and now I release my jealousy and insecurities into the universe. I know that I am a woman who is worth loving and has every one of the qualities of this fantasy mistress inside me right now. I find peace in my self-discovery and I am happiest when I live free of denial.”
We want you to look at this list!
The words on this list are parts of YOURSELF you are NOT surrendering to him and the relationship but subconsciously WANT TO.
If this imaginary mistress is dressed like a goddess in pink and gold chiffon, perhaps you want to dress more youthful and elegantly alluring, but are afraid of that power or feel too uncomfortable with your figure to do so.
If this imaginary mistress has a velvety caress, silky hair, and a buttery smile, those things are aspects of a very sensual, feminine woman. Are you allowing thoughts to cloud your existence and stop your body from FEELING all your senses at work?
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Have Too Much Masculine Energy With Men?
If she is laughing with him and is a curly-headed blond who is bubbling with cheerful delight, perhaps you are not allowing yourself to be playful and high-spirited in the relationship. Maybe you are bogged down with HEAVINESS and neurosis and can’t seize the moment and throw your life pain and insecurities in the relationship aside for a few laughs.
Use this exercise –NOT TO GIVE YOU MORE INSECURITIES– but to allow yourself to start being the woman you want to be in your relationship. The woman you WANT to be but can’t OWN inside yourself.
This mistress is just the parts of you that you are insecure about.
Once you address these issues, you will do the exercise again and see that she has changed into a different woman with new qualities you will want to address about yourself.
We want to help ease your fears about HIM so you can trust him and can surrender ALL of YOURSELF to your relationship. How? By working on what YOU subconsciously or consciously feel are your weaknesses and then accepting yourself more.
You can’t control your man, and men cheat for a myriad of reasons–many of which are not about us. But you can work on your fears so that you don’t inadvertently push him away from you.
Remember, this article and exercise are about taming fears you know are IRRATIONAL. A lot of the time we bring our insecurities in a relationship and make something a man’s fault, even if it isn’t. This can make him feel less attracted to you because he feels exhausted by your need for reassurance or because he feels off-put by your insecurities.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Help! Bring Him To Me! How To Ease Obsessive Energy!
In my Love Advice Newsletters, I will help ease your insecurities and give you the courage and self-knowledge to go out and be the bewitching and enchanting woman who inspires her man’s love.
I’ll take you by the hand and kickstart your journey toward becoming a solution-oriented, fearless Love Empress who isn’t afraid to peer inside the dark crevices of her soul and feel more confident as a result.
We also give tools and exercises to help you improve upon the areas of yourself where you feel insecure so you can re-ignite his passion for you.
Why live with fears and push a good man away? You deserve a great relationship!
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Is He Cold To You? Handle Him This Way!
If you want to learn how to stop feeding your insecurities and start feeling like a gorgeous enchantress who knows exactly how to magnetize men effortlessly, take a peek at my newest e-book Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You and learn the 27 secrets to unleashing your FEMALE FIRE and being a man magnet.
Make Your Husband Want You: Stop Acting Like The Nice Wife
If you want to make your husband want you, you have to stop wrapping yourself into a pretzel to please him and start taking better care of your heart and soul.
Back off from him and explore the beauty of what life has to offer. He isn’t going to appreciate your home-cooked meals anymore than he does now.
- Do you break your back acting like the “nice wife”?
- Are you finding yourself at a loss in a bad marriage to a man who treats you like a roommate or a housekeeper?
- Maybe he even admits that he “cares for you a lot” but still doesn’t show any signs of being “in love” and emotionally available to the marriage?
- Is he always finding reasons to not be home or not spend time with you?
- Are you trying desperately to keep him around and inspire him to come back to you by being “the best wife ever”?
- And worse, are your attempts to show him he is loved and that your home is a welcoming, safe place for him to relax and rest, proving ineffective?
If these questions sound like familiar descriptions of a marriage, honey, you are not alone! So many women are experiencing the same one-sided, frustrating relationship dynamic that you are right now!
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Showing Him Affection Won’t Help If He Already Feels Smothered!
We Are Afraid To Seem Domineering & Afraid To Be Doormats, So We End Up Seeming Cold & Abrupt
In a modern society where most women have jobs and work hard to put their smart minds and powerful professional assets to good use, we are still feeling uncertain as to how to succeed in the home.
We don’t want to seem like 1950s nice wives who “shut up and please” but we don’t want to seem like “controlling, ball busters” either. So what do we do?
Out of desperation, frustration, and a lack of useful insight and tools, we usually end up some version of one or both of these.
Do you try hard to dance around your husband’s insecurities and moods, hoping not to seem to “domineering”?
Do you come home from work where you play the “tough, competent card” only to throw on a plastic smile and an apron to play the “sexy, sweet, can-do-it-all wife card” to a man who doesn’t seem to respond to your efforts?
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Do you take rare moments where your husband is listening and is acting affectionate to bitterly and coolly tell him all the ways in which he needs to “buck up and be a better man for the family”?
See, it’s not our fault. We want to do what we can to resuscitate our relationship but we don’t know how to reach our man’s heart. We don’t know how to “snap him out of it” and bring him back into the marriage.
Just Stop Doing Anything At All For The Marriage
What you can do is stop trying to be a nice, capable, and emotionally level-headed wife. Stop trying to hide behind your feelings of frustration and your fears of inadequacy. Chances are he feels the same way as you. Chances are he feels like a failure to your marriage and angry at himself that he isn’t feeling more for you, and two people who are not communicating the truth are not getting any closer to one another!
My recommendation to you is to do NOTHING! Stop catering to him and your relationship completely. Take some time to rest from love and work on doing things for YOU and YOUR happiness.
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Even if you are scared he will leave if you don’t give him all your focus and attention, tell yourself that the only way you can be what he needs you to be is if you rest a bit, get a handle on your fears, and find the energy to redirect your focus on doing things for the relationship that work!
Start being nice to YOU and your feelings. Allow your feelings to come and go as they please. Don’t act on them but don’t push them down, and don’t feel like a failure for feeling insecure, scared, and angry as heck!
Again, refrain from letting these feelings dictate your behavior and words around your husband. In fact, try to refrain from talking to him about HIM at all.
Be selfish about your health and happiness. Start a hobby or take some vacation time by yourself.
When you start to feel less tired and drained, try to stop yourself from going back to “nice wife who respectfully complains a lot.” Try instead to find moments where you can laugh with him and enjoy his company without having to show him that you are a great wife and supportive woman. Just be silly together and try to only connect with him when you are feeling more positive inside your heart.
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Then try to really talk to your husband about your feelings and needs in the relationship.
To learn about how to have deep, effective heart-to-hearts with your husband and other key things you can do to bring him closer, sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter. I will show you how to make your husband want you in ways you didn’t know he was capable of. I’ll show you how to use sex to build a deeper connection and how to step into your body as a more sensual woman who can ‘just be’ without having to run around the house cleaning, controlling, and barking orders. It’s not your fault if you are like this, most women are. It’s just time to take a deep breath and step into the moment. Romance, connection, passion, heat, happiness is happening in the NOW!
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How To Talk With A Man: Sharing Your Feelings
Learning how to talk with a man and share your feelings with him takes guts. You have to surrender to your feminine softness and expose your underbelly.
Do you find that you have a pattern of trying to hide your negative feelings from a man who isn’t treating you the way you wish he would?
When we women love a man and feel that his feelings for us are not as strong as ours are, we feel A LOT of intense, scary feelings, most of which are negative. We are bitter, sad, scared, anxious and even angry. We also feel like we have to hold these feelings inside. We feel we have to stuff them down, keep them under wraps, so that our man doesn’t get turned off by our draining emotions.
We don’t want to burden him with our pain, fearing it will all be too much for him and he will leave. So we ignore our feelings and needs and busy ourselves by doing for him. We act like the most loving, able and hardworking girlfriends and wives that ever lived, all in an attempt to quiet our negative voices and make him love us again.
We cater to our men– giving them things and slaving to do what we can to make THEIR lives better. We labor in the name of love, trying so hard to look like women that men would be crazy to lose!
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We either pretend that nothing is wrong and force a smile when around him, only to cry when we are alone and safe to feel our true pain in private… Or, we start trying to manage and control our feelings by managing and controlling the relationship. In between breaking our backs to please him, we coolly and calmly express our dissatisfaction with his behavior and take every unassuming moment we can to tell him how ineffectual he is as a boyfriend or husband.
The problem is that these two alternatives to expressing our true feelings are off-putting to men. A man doesn’t want you to “grin and bear it”. He doesn’t want you to lie to him and act like everything is fine.
You Can’t Lie About How You Really Feel Forever
See, it’s impossible to fully hide your feelings from him. Your discontent will rear it’s ugly face somehow. Your body needs to dispose of these feelings. They aren’t healthy to hold onto. You may start acting passive aggressive or manipulative with your actions just to release them. You may even start to get sick. This happened to me. I started getting sick all the time at the end of my marriage.
I also started taking out my frustration on other loved ones and coworkers. I would even yell at my dog.
Your man also doesn’t want you to act like a calm and collected “cold fish” while you constantly tell him how he’s messing up in the relationship. This will make him feel worthless and unimportant to you. He wants you to share your feelings with him. He wants you to stop pretending and start SHOWING HIM HOW MUCH power he has over your heart.
He wants you to TRUST him enough to give him the opportunity to make things better between the both of you. He wants you to talk to him about YOUR feelings, not about HIS shortcomings.
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So here’s how to share your feelings with a man:
First, you must give yourself permission to feel everything you feel and embrace the fact that you and your feelings are not perfect.
You aren’t perfect — no one is. And thank goodness for that. Everyone’s imperfections are beautiful. We fall in love with movie characters who have serious flaws and with friends whose quirks touch our hearts.
No one has a perfect attitude either. Every women suffers inside at some point and has deep needs that must be met.
I tried for YEARS to appear emotionally perfect. I tried sooo hard to keep a smile on my face and a giggle between most my sentences when my marriage was falling apart and all I really wanted to do was scream in his face; “I’m so lonely and I hate you so much for making me love you and for treating me like crapola!”
I didn’t want to “annoy” him with my heavy emotions and I also didn’t want him to know that I cared THAT MUCH. So many women do this and if you do, honey, you are NOT alone.
Second thing you can do is to get brave and talk with him about your feelings!
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Take a moment when you are with him and feeling strong inside to share your feelings. Keep it about YOU and what YOU feel instead of about him and all his faults.
Make a point to talk from your heart instead of your from “adult self”. Instead of rationally expressing your feelings like you are pitching an idea to a team of office workers, risk exposing your childlike vulnerability to him.
In fact, if you aren’t feeling “on the verge of tears” you are probably guarding your heart too much when talking to him.
So the third thing you can do is “bleed out” your vulnerability in front of him.
Look at him, connect with his eyes, touch his hand, and tell him how much he matters to you. Tell him why you love him and what his love truly means to your life.
Allow your “emotional dam” to crack and slowly break. Allow yourself to warm-up to him and let your numb, rational feelings melt into a raw sensitivity.
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To do this you have to trust him. You have to think about his “good side”. You have to think about the positive moments you two have shared and the wonderful things he has done for you. (Every man, no matter how toxic, has some good qualities.)
Once you feel more vulnerable, share your needs with him. Tell him what you want from a relationship. Again, don’t point out his inability to provide, just stick to expressing your desires.
Don’t Worry About His Initial Reaction… Have Faith
Your man may close off. He may shut down and say nothing. He may even get grouchy. Don’t worry.
See, your emotions may overwhelm him and make him feel vulnerable. He doesn’t want to feel this way, it’s too revealing for him as a “man”. Your emotions may also make him feel inadequate to helping you. Men want to be knights in shining armor, they don’t want to watch a woman experiencing pain because of their actions.
However, his initial feelings of being overwhelmed, and possibly inadequate, will subside.
Patiently accept ANY reaction he gives you. Make things about your need to “bleed out your feelings” and don’t attack him for shutting down or push him to open up. If you give him room to react however he feels, he will come to you eventually and share his feelings with you. He will do what he can to be there for you once he “emotionally recuperates” and feels less incompetent.
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When he does start to talk to you about your feelings (whether it’s right away or after a bit of time) be prepared to be surprised. Allow yourself to TRUST in what he has to say. Trust in his feelings for you and in his deep desire to please you.
Help guide him toward a solution to your hurt feelings.
Don’t forget to also ask him what YOU CAN DO to help the relationship grow, too! He may know what he needs from you but has been too timid to ask.
You may be quite happy with the way things turn out and the deep bond of emotional closeness that may begin to form between you both.
If you find that you hide your negative feelings and don’t know how to talk with a man, stuffing them down inside you by “doing, doing, doing” for him, PLEASE do your happiness and health a favor and sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter, which is packed full of insight into men and lasting, fun and beneficial relationships!
Dating Advice For Women: Knowing When To Be Optimistic About Love
Pop psychology loves to pump people full of romanticized faith: poetic photographs with quotes preaching positivity on friends’ Facebook pages; the word ‘hope’ carved into pocket-size stones and spelled out in rhinestones on hundred-dollar bracelets. And why not? Why not encourage a little optimism, especially in love? With a dismal divorce rate and couples having less and less faith in long-term commitment, why not push people to trust a bit more?
My coaching is all about having an open heart with men. I encourage women to have a little-girl heart when dating or in a relationship: find your childlike whimsy, feel your emotions fully and live in the present moment. But what I don’t want women to do, and what often happens is, women hold onto false hope.
Don’t Stay Optimistic About Love As An Excuse To Continue A Bad Relationship
Has Mr. Unavailable been hanging around, staying just out of reach but close enough to make your mouth water?
You can’t stop thinking about him, strategizing on how you can get him to come just a little closer and realize his true feelings for you. You not only remain optimistic about love, you remain a champion fighter for the cause. You STUFF DOWN all the yucky, negative feelings. Especially the anger– oh boy, you sure don’t want him to see that slimy black gook. You even fight back the tears and the heaviness and you make a promise to yourself that you will be more fun, more exciting and sexier next time you are around him. You wrap yourself into a pretzel trying to cater to all his apparent needs and be that source of unconditional love in his life he’s never known.
But the reality is that your negative feelings don’t just disappear when you ignore them long enough; they go somewhere. They are very patient li’l buggers, hanging out in the depths of your soul, waiting for a vulnerable moment to break free and blow up to the surface. You end up blowing up at Mr. Unavailable, experiencing emotional roller coaster rides every time he disappoints you, and you end up acting passive aggressive or needy.
Sometimes Believing In The Brighter Side Of A Bad Boy Leaves You In Total Darkness
We all know when we are dating (or even married to) Mr. Unavailable: we know he’s got a glitch in the empathy processing systems in his brain; we know he’s a man boy who can’t seem to hold himself accountable to anything; we know intimacy terrifies the crap out of him and that he cheats or disappears for days. Yet we hold onto faith. We get on the computer and pluck “believe in love” memes from Google Images; we buy books, eBooks and ePrograms to help us seduce him into our arms. The problem is that he will never come. He can’t. He doesn’t have the tools in his toolbox.
Be Optimistic About Finding Real Love
Sometimes the best faith we can have is in a power higher than ourselves, and I’m not talking about God. I’m talking about the power of true love. I’m talking about having the faith to continue dating a guy you know is a good man and would make a stable and committed partner even when you don’t initially feel the attraction, the chemistry, the spark. If you have FAITH in the power of love, you can stay in that dating relationship and trust that mutual attraction will happen over time. Because it will. (It’s about having faith in your intuition, in your ability to create something that goes deeper than chemical romance. It’s about believing that you are worth more than being kept at a distance by a limited man.)
Use your intuition and be honest with yourself about men who are lost causes, but don’t become paranoid and ditch a guy at the first sign of a red flag. Take your time with guys and trust that if you relax on dates, enjoy yourself (while still holding back from sleeping with him too soon or getting too emotionally invested early on), the truth of who a guy is will slowly reveal itself. A wolf in sheep’s clothing will soon let a whisker or claw pop through if he’s comfortable enough with you. If this happens, don’t panic. You’ll live. Have faith that you can bounce back from him; believe that not all men are wolves and that love is waiting for you. That’s truly being optimistic about love!
Time To Be Vulnerable Without Being Susceptible
The fastest way to a broken heart is to pretend you don’t have one. Charlie Sheen said that. Knowing his reputation, it’s obvious that he has a lot of experience with playing games and what kind of woman is susceptible to his limitations. If you act hard, brittle, distrusting; if you play games with men because you think that’s the way to find love, you are going to end up burned. I guarantee you that however fantastic you think your game is, there is a Mr. Unavailable who has a better game. You have feelings, you have needs, you have a tenderness that yearns for tender protection. Don’t play with emotionally unavailable men—they will scar your scars.
Instead, play zero games. And be vulnerable with EVERY man. Not susceptible, but vulnerable. This will train you to trust your boundaries and know what feels good and what feels awful. The way I want you to be vulnerable is to communicate your feelings and allow men, even the Mr. Unavailables, to see your feelings. I ask that you are open with your heart and emotions in every conversation you have with a man. Have faith in yourself and in your boundaries to always speak the truth about how someone or something makes you feel. And do it in a way that invites men closer to you…
Open-Hearted Communication: What To Say & How
The best communication is the easiest and most direct. To use words to create instant intimacy takes a lot of vulnerability, softness, kindness, and, wait for it… optimism. It takes trust that more men will respond lovingly than not, and it takes trust to know that no matter how a man reacts to hearing your feelings, you are going to survive and be okay. You can’t control a man’s reaction, but you can control how you act and how much dignity you emanate.
photo source: livelifehappy.com
Breathe, find your grounding and state your feelings in a soft, revealing tone that lacks judgment or bitterness. If you accomplished this, you’ll be so alluring, you’ll be able to tell a man that you’re “so angry you want to stab him with a kitchen knife” and he’ll still offer you a hug. (I mean it, it’s happened to me with my man. And I was holding a knife at the time.)
Examples of open-hearted communication:
“I feel sad and angry when you disappear on me for days.”
“I feel really good when a man kisses me hello, thank you for doing that.”
“I feel uncomfortable on first dates but I’m working through it.”
The best communication requires that you be optimistic about the end result, which isn’t his reaction, but how you are going to feel about yourself for being so open and truthful.
If you want to learn more communication tips, sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter. In it, I talk extensively about vulnerability vs. susceptibility and how to be a soft, sensual and luscious woman while still remaining strong in your beliefs and boundaries. If you want to be optimistic about love, you have to share who you are without losing who you are to an emotionally unavailable man
How To Spot & Release Emotionally Unavailable Men
An article I wrote for YourTango.com:
A relationship when both partners are “all-in” is tough enough. But when your man is emotionally unavailable, things are so much harder. You’re committed to making things work, but he just won’t open up. A tell-tale sign of an emotionally unavailable man is a lack of empathy; check for these signs before you get too committed. Although my audience is largley heterosexual females, this article will ring true for those dealing with emotionally unavailable men or women.
Signs That A Man Lacks Empathy:
- He cheats and then blames you.
- He takes space (more than a day or two) and doesn’t care that it hurts you.
- He dumps you over and over again and each time calls to take you back — without concern for your feelings.
- He shuts down when you act panicky or insecure in the relationship.
- He isn’t interested in finding ways to soothe your worries.
- He stonewalls you despite your tears and pleas for his understanding and compassion.
- He tells you that you are the problem and that if you want to be with him, you have to figure out how to make him love you again.
- He doesn’t respect your boundaries (emotional or physical).
- He verbally and emotionally abuses you because he thinks you need to learn.
- He accuses you of being smothering and mistrusting when you ask him about other women.
- He explodes when you cry or get emotional.
- He makes you feel like you’re always the only one apologizing (maybe he even acts victimized for days).
- He makes you feel like the bad guy and usually his feelings are the only ones that matter after a fight.
- He dismisses your feelings: he laughs at your feelings and needs, calls you ‘such a woman’ when you are upset, leaves the room, and/or brushes you off.
- He looks at you with a blank face when you cry to him, as if he truly doesn’t understand what’s wrong or what your obvious distress suggests about your emotional state.
- He makes you feel out of control emotionally, and you’ve never felt that way in previous relationships.
Wondering if the man you’re dating is emotionally unavailable? Maybe you have a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men? One telltale sign that a man doesn’t have the capabilities to be intimate, considerate, compassionate, honest, loyal and open in a relationship is a lack of empathy in moments when you need him most.
Emotionally Unavailable Men Can’t See Past Their Needs & Feelings
Women often confuse the sensitive, wounded man with the emotionally available man. Warning: just because a man can easily cry doesn’t mean that he’s compassionate. Sensitivity does not equal empathy. Some emotionally unavailable men are compassionate — they give to charities, they listen to their friends’ problems, they lend money to friends and family members; however, you have to look at a man’s level of compassion for another person’s feelings in moments when he’s upset with that person, or just upset in general. You have to look at how he behaves when you are most needy: when your insecurities flare up or when you’re in the midst of a tough circumstance.
It’s hard to tend to your partner’s feelings when you are not in a positive emotional state. Most of us quickly get irritated, frustrated and fed up with a loved one who puts emotional demands on us when we feel to-the-brim already. However, it’s important to find a way to make space for your partner’s feelings at all times, because an ability to give when it’s hardest to do so is testiment to good character. An emotionally unavailable man can’t grasp this concept.
It’s Not Totally His Fault If He Lacks Empathy
Cognitive scientist Simon Baron-Cohen recently made the discovery that a lack of empathy is associated with the male brain. The more typically “male” the brain, the more likely the person is to systemize than to empathize. In fact, Baron-Cohen calls an autistic brain (autism is a disorder in which the person, among other things, lacks empathy), an exaggerated male brain. (Women can also have a more “male” than “female” brain; it’s not just about gender.)
Knowing there’s scientific proof to some of mens’ emotional limitations can help you stop taking a man’s lack of compassion for your feelings personally. I’m not suggesting you ignore questioning whether your man is emotionally unavailable, because that’s not healthy for you or your love life; however, understanding that some people are biologically limited when it comes to empathy can help you remove your self-worth from his reactions and responses. Too often we wrap our sense of confidence in a man’s ability to love us the way we need him to.
There Are Plenty Of Emotionally Available Men
Just because modern science links the male brain to a lack of empathy, it doesn’t mean that other factors don’t come into play that can make men compassionate beings. Good parenting, healthy role models and a quality education can make a man born with a very ‘male’ brain into a caring and understanding person. Many men are extremely available to womens’ feelings and needs, and are able to do so during even the most heated of arguments; a lot of men are more empathetic than many women.