Goddess Love Help: Drinking Responsibly On Dates
Drinking responsibly on dates is a must. It’s obvious advice and yet so few of us follow it. Why? Why do many of us ignore these sage words of wisdom of first date etiquette and guzzle anyway? Here are 3 reasons why drinking responsibly on dates goes out the window… while the vodka gees down the hatch:
1. We don’t think he’s the one so why not just have some fun. You’ve been sitting with him for 10 minutes and something about him (or something he says) makes you think that you’ll never let THIS GUY end up as your husband. You decide that he’s cute and fun enough to drink with and maybe sleep with, if you’re in the mood later.
The problem with this thinking: Most of us are scared and feel vulnerable when we date. Fear makes us FIND things we don’t like about men on a date. You can’t know that a guy is not for you in 10 minutes (unless he’s clearly nutty and in that case, you shouldn’t be drinking with him anyway). Think about all the stupid things your ex said to people all the time– you know, that ex you are still madly in love with. And then give the new guys a break for the first couple dates– he’s nervous too! Chemistry is not the same thing as chemical romance. It takes time to know if you gel with a guy, even if the fireworks aren’t flying. That’s why couples who start out as friends have a good chance at making it long-term. Better to slow down and get to know him, then to drink together, write him off and sleep with him anyways!
The Dating “Critic”, Justin McClure, is hilarious! For a good laugh on the subject of Drinking Responsibly On Dates…
2. We are having such a good time together, we get carried away. So you made a choice before the date not to drink more than two cocktails (one if you’re a light weight). Then you get to the bar, get to talkin’ with the guy and you realize that drinking responsibly on dates doesn’t apply to this situation because it’s going so well, you think that this guy is going to call again no matter how many drinks you toss down. And to your credit, he may be having a great time.
The problem with this thinking: He could be labeling you in his mind. Remember how I just wrote that dating creates fear in people? Fear makes us categorize: she’s marriage material, she’s “only for a good time” material, she’s “only for tonight” material. Guys have GREAT times with the “only for tonight” gals, so just because he’s laughing with you, doesn’t mean he’d ever consider a real relationship with you. And in all fairness, you wouldn’t take him seriously if he wasn’t drinking responsibly on dates either.
3. We get anxious and think we are more confident when tipsy. One of the best ways to immediately remedy anxious feelings is to drink. One or two drinks can relax you, loosen you up and make you less uptight.
The problem with this: Drinking only loosens our inhibitions and we end up drinking more and more. It’s hard to know when to stop, especially when we really like a guy and are nervous. A wine glass is something to cling to and drinking is something to do when our nerves want us to fiddle and do stuff to alleviate them.
The Solution: I suggest you don’t drink if you know that drinking responsibly on dates isn’t possible for you after one or two glasses. Or, I suggest that you make a decision to treat every date the same way and always stick to a certain number of drinks, no matter where you go or with whom. I suggest a standard set of dating guidelines for other aspects of dates to: sleeping together (have a number of dates you force yourself to wait before hopping in bed with any guy), what you wear ( put the same make-up/hair/wardrobe prep in for every guy), etc. If you treat the guys who seem like better catches like they are more important, this will make you nervous and will give off an air of wanting to please. And the truth is that many times the best guy for us is not the one who, at first, appears to be the best catch.
Drinking responsibly on dates is easier when you walk into a date feeling confident about yourself and comfortable sitting in your fears and vulnerability. Sign up for my newsletter and learn how to share your vulnerable, yucky, scary feelings with a man (even on a first date!) in a way that will magnetize him to you!
Goddess Love Help: Getting Grounded When He Pulls Back!
Goddess Love Help gets you feeling secure with yourself and your circumstances no matter what he’s doing!
So you’re dating a great guy and all of the sudden he needs space. Maybe his distancing feels out-of-the-blue, or maybe you’ve been sensing that he’s been slowly pulling back. What do you do? What do you say? The best goddess love help I can offer you is to stop worrying about what to do and what to say.
The more you chase him, strategize, stress and worry about his actions and his response, the more you are pushing him away.
Playing Hard To Get Doesn’t Work
First let me clarify that goddess love help NEVER involves playing games. Games don’t work. Games are useless because they don’t address the underlying issues that force you to play games in the first place.
When you play games (silent treatment, feigning indifference, going hot then cold, etc.) you gain a man’s attention; however, the reconnection is short lived. Usually he will just take space again after a few weeks or months, and you will be forced to play games again.
Playing games puts you on a disheartening hamster wheel; games don’t bring you and him closer (playing games actually does the opposite because games play off of a man’s abandonment issues); games destroy your self-esteem.
Your participating in games sends a direct message to the areas of your brain that manage your self-worth: “I have to pretend not to care about this man and manipulate his feelings because I am not loveable just as I am, when I am just being myself.”
And you are loveable just as you are! You become someone you aren’t when you try too hard with games and that’s not attractive.
Goddess Love Help Is All About Being One With The Universe
Buddhists believe in The Oneness: the theology that all living things are of the same thread of God—that the loving energy that has created you is the same that has created me and so on. We are all connected and that connection (that endless energy, like a thread) is God.
My goddess love help makes use of The Oneness.
Right now he is pulling back from you and you are panicking. You love him and don’t want to lose this amazing man. You’re playing every scenario over in your head, wondering where you went wrong—what you said or did to push him away.
But you will never know what you did wrong… or even if his distancing had anything to do with you at all. In fact, in many cases, a man’s emotional distancing has to do with his emotional unavailability more than it has to do with a woman’s behavior in the dating relationship.
So it’s best to stop analyzing and worrying about what you did wrong or what you can do to change things. It’s best to stop worrying about him as much as possible.
But how do you take the focus off him? You do it by embracing The Oneness and gathering strength, peace of mind and loving energy from the world around you.
Next time you feel compelled to reach out to him and fix the issues between you both, take a deep breath instead and allow the strength of The Oneness to soothe and replenish you:
Go fro a walk and take a look at the natural world around you: the rustling trees that have spread their roots over this earth for decades before you were born; the tiny roses that seduce bees, butterflies and hummingbirds with their potent fragrance; the little weeds that struggle to sprout between the wedges in the sidewalk…
Take energy from each of these things. Feel your heart expanding with love, life and perseverance. Feel your connection to these life systems and allow yourself to ‘just be’ as they are ‘just being’ in that moment:
The tiny roses don’t try and seduce the insects, they just do. They exist and naturally function as they were meant to function. You were meant to just be in the moment and live in that awareness without stress about the future or past. This is your way of seducing a man.
Getting Grounded—Avoiding Pulling Energy
The more you feel the power of The Oneness and the more you can ‘just be’ among the loving energy that is all around you, the less you will pull your man toward you.
See, he can feel your pulling energy. He can sense it even without being in your physical presence. It lingers in every text, email and phone call.
He has pulled away to get relief from this energy. It’s very smothering and he doesn’t have to the tools (a lot of men don’t) to help ease your distress that is causing your pulling energy.
This doesn’t mean that you have pushed him away—he could be so sensitive to a woman’s emotional needs that the slightest pulling energy on a woman’s part scares him. This kind of man is called emotionally unavailable and there is nothing you can do to change him from being this way.
Some men are not emotionally unavailable, they just don’t know how to process and deal with a woman’s pulling energy. They run away (temporarily or permanently) instead of communicating what they think and need.
Nourish Your Heart With The Universe Instead Of Through Him
Finding your grounding and feeding off the energy of the universe takes the burden off him. He stops feeling like you are dragging him down (pulling him under) with needs and demands.
When you can BOUNCE BACK from a fight… when you can stop sweating the small stuff… when you can remove yourself from the drama of the relationship and find your way back to a loving, peaceful heart… when you can surrender and not try and control his thoughts and feelings… that’s when you will find true love.
That’s when the question becomes—Is HE mature enough for MY emotional maturity and newfound ability to love and share intimacy? And if the answer is ‘no’, you will let him go as easily as you would a leaf into a river.
Check out my Love Advice Newsletter and transform your life and the way you think about love. It’ll show you the significance of SURRENDER and ‘going with the flow’. It will also give you the self-esteem to NATURALLY seek out great men.
Goddess Love Help: He Wants Space? Now What?
He Wants Space & You Want Him! Time To Breathe & Tell Him How You Feel Before He Takes His Time Away!
If a man has recently told you that he wants space from you and the relationship, I know how you feel. I’ve been in a few dating relationships with men who have taken space. Sometimes it seems like a man is 100% devoted to dating you and then, all of a sudden, out of the blue (without any real relationship problems), he wants space. I was heartbroken and shocked each time this happened to me.
Now it’s time for you to follow my love help advice and soothe your heartache and worries. It’s time for you to reclaim your life and find your grounding so that you don’t reach out to him and you don’t fall into a well of darkness and low self-esteem like I did countless times before in my past.
What To Tell Him When He Wants Space
When he wants space, you have to give him space. You have to respect his wishes and his needs. It doesn’t mean you have to like that he wants space.
So, how do you respect his desire for distance while still being honest about your feelings? It’s simple. You tell him how you feel.
Do you feel worried that he’ll never come back? Tell him. Do you feel angry that he “slapped” you with this from what seems like left field? Tell him. Do you doubt whether you want to stay with him if he does come back? Tell him. Are you worried that you did something wrong that caused him to claim he wants space? Tell him.
Tell him everything you feel—all of it is safe to say; he won’t run further away. The key is in the DELIVERY. It’s all about the VIBE you have when you speak with him and in the SPECIFIC WORDS you choose when speaking to him.
My Love Help To You: Focus On Your Vibe
When you talk to him after he wants space, you have to have grounded energy. You have to resist the urge to pull him toward you. Practice planting your feet in the ground and imagining that there are roots coming out of the earth, climbing up your legs.
Imagine that these roots are filled with loving, soothing, calming and comforting “soul food” that nurture you as if you are part of the plant. So every time you feel the inclination to beg him, plead to him, cry to him, or even to shut down and wall off—I want you to use this dating advice for women VISUAL to help you stay openhearted and still in one place. Make it so that he can come and go and you aren’t going to interfere by chasing him or pushing him away.
It’s like raising a child. When you sit back and let the child come to you and tell the child that you are there for him when and if he needs you, he will come closer and closer. When you are an overbearing caretaker (or a neglecting one), the child develops an insecure attachment with you. He also can feel unsafe with you—that you are a burden to him emotionally because you are so overbearing.
Be the kind of mother who is available and “at peace” in her heart when you are talking with your man. Feel secure in your attachment to the earth so that you don’t fall victim to panicking about losing him.
The Specific Words You Use When Talking To Him
When you speak with him you have to not only stay grounded and unwavering in your ability to let him come and go without your interference, you also have to use words that he can hear—words that are effective at communicating your TRUTH.
Stick to talking about your feelings. You can talk about your feelings for him and your feelings surrounding the fact that he wants space. You should avoid blame and any words that negate his need for space.
Do say things like:
I love you and I’m sorry if I hurt you.
I appreciate our relationship and I do care about your feelings.
I will miss you during this time but I want to respect your wishes.
Right now I am angry, confused, sad, pissed, going crazy inside, etc.
I don’t know if I can wait for you but I think I’ll try.
I am scared that you are going to leave for good but I will be okay no matter what.
Don’t say things like:
You can’t do this to me!
Fine! Well then, I don’t want to be with you anymore! (when you do)
You are an a**hole, a commitment phobic jerk, an emotionally unavailable piece of ****, etc.
I won’t be okay if you leave me.
Once He’s Taken Space, You Have To Back Off
When he wants space, it’s time for you to refocus your energy on the parts of your life that have been neglected because of this dating relationship. What are you passions outside of him? Who are your friends and family members whom you haven’t seen in a while?
Dust off all the part of you that have been set aside because of the relationship.
Take Gentle Care Of Number #1– YOU
Do the very best to take care of yourself at this time. Take one day at a time and be very tender, loving, easy and forgiving with yourself.
Try to see his space as a time to self-reflect. What are the issues that you bring to a relationship that need some altering:
Are you too needy?
Do you commit yourself to guys too soon?
Do you pick the wrong guys?
Are you susceptible to being treated like a doormat?
Do you struggle with sticking up for yourself with men?
Do you have issues with knowing your personal boundaries?
Are you unable to be receptive and available when a man is emotionally available?
Are you brimming with uncontained, hostile emotion that is scary for a man?
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Like I said—be gentle with yourself when he wants space. However, take the focus off wondering and worrying about him and about how he reacted to you and how he might need something else than what you offer, and instead ask yourself if you are happy with the way you’ve acted in the relationship.
So when asking yourself if you are too needy or too nice, don’t think about it from his point of view and what you think are his preferences. Think about it from your perspective. Think about whether you would date you.
Don’t Allow Yourself To Be A Victim When He Wants Space
If you feel like his need for space is triggering some abandonment issues inside you, it’s time to face those issues. Telling yourself things like; “I can’t live without him” and “I feel like I’m worthless now that he’s left” are somewhat normal feelings but too much of that thinking is very unhealthy!
Sometimes when he wants space, we start to romanticize the relationship and our feelings for him grow and grow the more he hurts us and ignores us. Be sure not to start marinating in the pain of his unavailability. Make sure not to be giving him more love and attention (even if it’s just in your mind) when he is distant than when he is available.
Some women have issues with this. They actually only get really “hooked” on the guy when he is pulling back. If you notice that you are giving far more attention to a man when he is drifting away from you than when he is available and eager to show you love and affection, you have to face the fact that you may have issues with intimacy.
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You to read about my Enchantress Secrets. These secrets are like “goddess love help” rules to follow with men that will not only keep you feeling empowered, grounded and armed with the right words to affect him, they will also get you the kind of guy who deserves you, faces the music with solid communication and doesn’t just say he wants space when it’s probably not warranted.
Goddess Love Help: Is He Stringing You Along? What To Do…
There is nothing more devastating than feeling like the man you love is just keeping you around until he finds his love. I’ve been in this situation two times. Both men ended up marrying the women they left me to date. I can’t tell you how much it stung to watch these guys walk away and end up happy with someone else. My self-esteem was shattered and so was my heart. Once the second man left me, I vowed never to let another man use me. Are you letting a man use you? Is he stringing you along? Time for some fresh dating advice for women!
What Do You Want Out Of The Relationship?
First, let me ask you; Have you been clear with him about what you want? Do you even know? Sometimes we get upset at the idea that a man is just hanging with us until he meets someone who provokes more serious feelings, while we are doing the same thing with him. So it’s important that you are clear with men and with yourself about whether or not you can see a given relationship lasting for the long haul.
Dating Advice For Women: How To Talk With Him To Know If He Is Stringing You Along
If you know that he is the love of your life (or you at least know you want more from the relationship), you have to speak with him. It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be, a heavy and long speech; all you have to do is OPEN UP to him about how you feel. Simply say something like, “I like you very much and I want you to know that it’s my hope that, up the road, our relationship continues to deepen in love and commitment.”
Then don’t say anything else. Don’t pry him to see if he thinks there are relationship problems. Don’t ask him if he agrees with you, or if he doesn’t. Don’t do anything to “pull” him to you. Just speak your feelings and allow yourself to remain in the silence. It’s going to be tough; it’s going to feel awkward and vulnerable. I always say that the moment after you’ve spoken and while you wait for him to respond is the bravest thing you can do in a relationship. Are you brave enough to be vulnerable when finding out if he cares or if he is stringing you along?
The Awkward & Vulnerable Silence
That awkward and vulnerable moment of silence is exactly what you want to experience with a man when talking with him about delicate subjects and/or relationship problems. Once you trample and mask that awkwardness and vulnerability with words that provide relief for the vulnerability, you have lost the chance to deepen the connection. You have lost the tender realness that you are exposing to him—which is exactly what makes a man fall in love.
His Reaction To Your Words
When he responds to your profession, listen to him with an open heart and with a positive attitude. He may shut down and get quiet; he may be relieved to hear such news. He may profess his own desire to get closer. He may also tell you the painful truth that he doesn’t see the relationship going anywhere. If he tells you this, you have to assume that he is stringing you along.
Some of the best dating advice for women I can offer is to BELIEVE a man when he tells you that the relationship is nonexistent!
Please Believe What He Tells You
If he admits to stringing you along and not sharing the same feelings for you as you hold for him, you have to believe him. Even if you know in your heart that he does love you and he’s just scared and/or wounded, you have to still take his words as truth and tell yourself that he is stringing you along.
Why should you believe him? Because a man who tells you that the relationship doesn’t hold “forever” for him will never respect you or the relationship in the way you’d need and want him to—even if it does last forever.
Don’t you want a man who would climb to the top of the Empire State Building and profess his love for you? Don’t you want to know where you stand with a man? A man who tells you that he doesn’t see himself with you for very long can just meet someone else that does spark those feelings tomorrow and he won’t have anything holding him to you; “I told you it wasn’t for forever.” In fact, once he’s admitted his lack of love for you, he doesn’t even consider himself stringing you along… and you really don’t have any right to get angry if he leaves.
You will live with a constant feeling of uncertainty and insecurity that will slowly eat away at your self-esteem.
If You Feel Like He’s Stringing You Along, You May Always Feel That Way
Usually when a man makes you feel like he is stringing you along, he’s emotionally unavailable (either to you or in general). He may not be stringing you along—he may see himself marrying you—but if you don’t feel safe and comfy in the relationship, it may just be that he isn’t sharing enough of himself with you to make you feel a distinct partnership unfolding. If this is the case, he may just be too emotionally hidden for you. Some people don’t make their emotions available and they live life more insular. This can be a problem for their lovers and family members who need to feel security within the relationship.
If your man is emotionally unavailable (I’m not talking sociopath or even jerk—I’m just saying that he isn’t sharing his feelings and thoughts enough), I can tell you that he will always be that way. He may open up a little over time, sharing tiny fractions of himself more and more, but a person doesn’t go from emotionally unavailable to an open book without serious therapy and self-growth.
If He’s Stringing You Along—DATE
If you feel like the man you love is stringing you along—whether he really is or not—it’s not only time to share your feelings, but it may also be time for you open your heart to new possibilities. If your talk with him doesn’t improve things, let him know that you want to start seeing other people; “I’m not ready to invest myself in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to have the same vision for the relationship that I do.”
Then get out there and date. You don’t have to sleep with other men (in fact you shouldn’t). You just have to start taking the focus off this man who is making you feel like he’s stringing you along; start showing yourself that this man isn’t the only guy out there. You may not have strong feelings for any of the men you meet, but date every guy you do meet who seems like a good guy 3 times. This is important because a lot of the time it takes 3 or 4 dates to let go of comparing a man to an ex and actually getting to know and like the real him.
If you want to know for sure if he is stringing you along, check out my Love Advice Newsletter. It’s serious, AMAZINGLY effective LOVE HELP: a weekly relationship guide that shows you how to inspire a man’s love and devotion without ever losing your self-respect. Sometimes we need to refocus our attention in other areas to start feeling secure in the relationship and thus start allowing him to come closer. Many women blame men for the dissolution of a relationship when in fact they are pushing the man away. My free newsletter will help make you into the vulnerable and sensual partner that a man needs in his life so that he feels SAFE ENOUGH to open up and fall in love.
A good question to ask yourself to know if my Love Advice Newsletter is what you need: How easy is it for you to expose your vulnerability to men?
Goddess Love: Tips To A Happier, More Attractive You!
Self-acceptance is the main lesson of life. When you find a way to accept your weaknesses and own your strengths, you not only feel grounded and happy, but you attract a higher caliber of men. You become a goddess! Self-love releases you from the chains of not feeling like you are enough and allows you celebrate love instead of chase relationship problems!
The Key To Self-Love– You Are The Same As Everyone Else
Self-love starts with knowing that you are, as Marianne Williamson puts in in her book, Return To Love, both special and not special. You are uniquely you and yet you are the same as everyone else. All of us are energy. We are all born in the eyes of God (or, if you aren’t religious, from the miraculousness of the universe.) No one person is more special than the next. We are each equal portioned bits of humanity.
When you can stop listening to you ego, which makes you want to feel important, you can start listening to your heart, which makes you want to extend love and share in loving connections, then you can build self-love. Self-love can’t exist in a body that houses a ego-driven mind.
Happiness Is An Inside Job
In Marci Shimoff’s new book, How To Be Happy For No Reason, it explains how everyone has a happiness set-point and that our brains are wired to always return to this neurochemical set-point after spikes and dips. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how great your relationship, how successful and famous you get or how great of a guy you “snag”, your happiness set point stays constant.
When you can understand that a certain man or type of relationship can’t change your overall level of happiness and thus can’t give you anything that you don’t already have inside you, you can stop giving your power to men and can start the journey to self-love.
Everything you want from a man– all that love that you think he has that is going to change your life—you already have it inside you. You have so much love inside. You are a ball of loving light and energy and when you can embrace your Light, you can begin to raise your happiness set point. When you can forgive yourself and forgive men for their limitations… when you can sit in your hollowness and feel your existential pain… when you can stay calm, loving and grounded in your center… you can alter your brain wiring and reset your happiness set-point.
Surges Of Loving Energy Can Produce Self-Love
What makes you feel cozy inside?… A kitty? A warm cup of coffee? The perfect meal? Think about the small things that give you momentary happiness and then hold onto that loving surge of warm, comfy, giggly happiness. Whenever you are feeling down and hard on yourself, don’t fight the negative dark thoughts– give into them, but also think about the small things that make you happy. When surges of loving energy start to fill your body, the darkness will subside.
These surges of love will actually soothe your negative thoughts and make you feel more accepting of yourself. It works better than mantras, because it’s hard to believe a mantra when you are down on yourself. But when you can simply feel surges of love when thinking about the simple things that bring you pleasure, you alleviate the emotional heaviness that comes with dark, self-judging thoughts. Suddenly, you feel lighter, calmer, more centered, blessed to be alive and happier in your heart. These feelings allow self-love to blossom.
In my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You, I offer GODDESS LOVE HELP & talk about opening your little girl heart to men who deserve you! Your little girl heart is the part of you that’s all-trusting and 100% selfless and vulnerable. When you can “unbutton” your heart, you become enchanting with men. They then want to laugh with you, take care of you, learn about their own emotions through you and just be around you all the time. The program offers several ways to heal past traumas and other emotion-blockers and gives you tips to step into your little girl heart easily and quickly.
Are You Emotionally Needy? Time To Channel A New Vibe & Feel Like His Goddess
Do you feel like everything you do and say to bring him closer is pushing him further away? Does he seem to almost have apathy toward you, rolling his eyes or shutting down and getting rude and grouchy when you try to talk about the relationship? Do you feel like his behavior is making you more emotionally needy and you just wish he’d warm up to you again so you can stop feeling insecure?
If you answered, “yes” to these questions, it’s time to change your vibe.
First, let me say that it’s not your fault. Stop letting his cold shoulder and insensitive words get you feeling like a freak or a weak woman. Everyone gets insecure at times and there’s probably a good chance that his behavior has contributed to your insecurities. It’s really hard even for me to stop myself from falling down into a dark, emotionally needy place when my man pulls back.
The key for me and for YOU is to understand that your insecurities in your relationship don’t affect your worth as a woman. Knowing (and LIVING) this is huge and will help you slip out of the dark, spiraling, anxious place and feel confident and free—no matter what he is doing.
Separate Your Sense Of Self From Your Relationship’s Issues
It’s human nature to lean on your partner or other loved ones for a sense of self. As babies, it’s key to healthy development that our parents instill in us a strong, independent, loving and kind sense of self– we are born extremely impressionable and for the most part, we stay that way.
As women, we are extra sensitive to our environments and have a hard time not letting our environments and the people around us mold our sense of self. Women are very adaptable, which is a beautiful quality that makes us able to gets through all sorts of situations; however, it can make us feel insecure quickly when things don’t go right in our relationships.
When YOU decide not to let him puppet your sense of self, everything becomes easier in your relationship. You not only are able to break free of emotionally neediness, you also seek out men who are more confident and understanding our your needs and insecurities.
How To Change Your Vibe From Emotionally Needy To Goddess!
When you change your vibe and stop being emotionally needy, you are filled with FEMALE POWER. You take the power back in your relationship and you instantly feel grounded, like a tree rooted to the earth, even in moments where your man is acting strange and distant.
Tree Energy Exercise:
One way to ground yourself is to use a visual—the tree I mentioned above is a good one. Imagine there are roots coming straight up out of Mother Earth’s belly, shooting into the bottom of your feet. Imagine that inside the roots thrives a powerful energy force that makes you feel comforted, nurtured and emotionally “fed”. Close your eyes now and imagine the roots tangling up inside your body—wrapping around organs, blood vessels, nerves and muscles. Imagine that your body is lite up with this amazing energy. Feel yourself glowing with sparkly green, pink, yellow particles of light that are radiating off the roots.
How To Act Like His Goddess
Once you start taking emotional nourishment from the earth and cut the “umbilical cord” that you have attached into your man’s heart, you will feel stronger. This umbilical cord is not a heart connection, but it’s a drainage system that has depleted him of life force. Right now he can’t handle your need for connection and that has made you latch onto him in this way.
It’s time to sever this cord by not “pulling at him” when he is already acting grumpy. Here’s what I want you to do next time you are with him and feeling like you want to talk about his behavior and his feelings about you:
Take a deep breath and take the focus off him. Do the tree-energy exercise and when you feel grounded, look at him while continuing to feel rooted in place and say, “I feel sad. I feel disconnected from you and I don’t want to feel this way in a relationship. What do you think I should do?”
Then I want you to listen to what he has to say. If he comforts you, let him. If he gets upset, just breathe and stay grounded. Say, “I don’t want to upset you but this is how I feel and it’s important to me that I voice my feelings.” Then I want you to get up and go do something that makes you happy.
Changing Your Vibe Is About Taking Your Focus Off Him And Placing It Onto Your Feelings!
When you speak up about your feelings and take control of your happiness, you change your vibe. He’s expecting you to focus on him because that’s what you’ve been doing—analyzing what he feels and what he’s thinking. When you starts to see that you have taken the attention off of trying to change him and put it back on yourself, then he will come closer. Until then, he’ll feel smothered and even controlled.
Being a goddess is about selfishness. When I use that word, I simply mean that you detach from his life force and you prioritize your emotional needs. You stop worrying about what he thinks, feels and needs and you start taking care of YOU. It doesn’t matter what he feels or what he is thinking, if what YOU feel is YUCKY. If you feel yucky, it’s about finding a way out of that place that doesn’t include trying to change him. You can share your feelings, ask for change and express your needs, but if he isn’t willing to hear you or offer you reassurance of his love, you have to ground yourself and take nourishment from another source– like the earth.
A goddess is communicative, always speaking the simple truth about how she feels. She owns her feelings and can say, “I feel sad, angry and weak today” in the same unashamed tone as “I feel happy, soft inside and confident today!”
What can you do to ground yourself and cut the cord? Thoughts?
What Attracts A Man To A Woman? Goddess Energy!
Wondering what attracts a man to a woman? Men are vastly different as individuals but are very easy to understand as a collective whole.
Most straight men want to find that special woman who makes them feel like they can go out into the world and accomplish anything. The average good guy wants a woman he can proudly stand beside at a public function, a woman who understands and fulfills his sexual needs, a woman who trusts in herself and stands up for herself when necessary, and most importantly a woman who ‘gets’ him on a deep emotional level. This type of woman has goddess energy!
So how to you harness your female power to emit goddess energy and quickly and easily become the best version of yourself for your relationship? Well, first, you have to stop doing things for the relationship and for him and you have to start doing things for yourself. I don’t mean that you become a demanding diva with your nose in the air and your finger pointing constantly at the things you want your man to do for you. I do, however, want you to relish in selfishness.
Selfishness is first part of a spiritual journey and the first step toward having the kind of goddess energy your man adores.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Harness Your Feminine Allure & Captivate Men (Part 1)
Many spirituality teachers discuss the importance of being selfish. You must have self-love if you are to love anyone. If you don’t take the time to know yourself and accept yourself on a deep level (this requires you to be self-centered), you will always put your anxiety and negative self-reflection out into the world. You will try to control and manage others instead of act truly giving and loving free of charge. You will pull the kinds of reactions you want from people instead of allow them to feel fully accepted in your presence. Why? Because without self-love and self-acceptance you’re too reliant on others to feed you love. Your lack of self-love will make you desperate to fill the seeping bottomless pit of lovelessness in your heart with other people’s loving words and actions.
When you are truly selfish, YOU provide for yourself and you get to know your body and mind to the point of being able to know when you need to pamper yourself and when you feel ‘charged’ enough with positive loving energies to go out into the world and truly do for others. Having goddess energy is knowing when to look out for yourself and when to do what you can for your man.
When you don’t put yourself first, you rely too heavily on your man to make you happy. You get hypersensitive to everything he says and does and you become paranoid. This happens because you give him too much power. You need too much from him, and when the cards are all in his hand, you feel out-of-control. You try to regain control by controlling him-- what he says, where he goes, how he shows you affection, etc.
Goddesses aren’t codependent; codependent women are so entangled in a man, they don’t know where he ends and they begin.
Codependent women try to soothe, nurture and love a man for all the wrong reasons– they do these things to soothe, nurture and love themselves. This kind of transference feels really smothering and weird to a man. It can fill him with anxiety: Constant soothing makes the receiver feel like he is being soothed because something is wrong, and this will make him anxious. Lots of parents do this– they constantly soothe a child to feel calm and the child grows up anxious and feeling all the time like some impending doom is upon them. Don’t do this to your man. It will push him away.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Express Love To A Man
Goddesses avoid codependence and transference by being very mindful of their behavior in a relationship. A goddess is so in touch with herself, she knows when she feels ‘off’ inside. She also knows when she’s focusing too heavily on her relationship and doing it a disservice. She knows the difference between having healthy and reasonable emotional, spiritual and sexual needs in a relationship and putting too much pressure on the man to be her everything.
Goddess energy makes you calm, patient, observant and detached. What do I mean by detached?
A goddess can disengage from negative energy quickly. She knows when to leave an argument (or how to avoid one from starting) before it becomes drama. Goddess energy is about stopping an obsessive mind from getting hooked on a chemical response. Goddesses can tell immediately when they are losing power to a man or a circumstance. They know how to detach from the fears and insecurities that can dictate poor choices. They know when and how to re-engage in fun and self-loving activities to take care of themselves when things are bad in a relationship.
Goddess energy empowers a woman to know when to walk away from a relationship and a man.
Goddesses know when there is more heartache than happiness in a relationship. They also know that happiness in a relationship is not about chemistry and feeling a ‘high’ when things are good in the relationship. Happiness in a relationship involves no chemical highs and instead is more of a soft, safe, peaceful and tender feeling. Goddesses know that the most important part of a relationship is emotional security and feeling safe (not to be abandoned, controlled, played with, objectified, etc.)
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Dating? How To Invite Love Into Your Life
What attracts a man to a woman is a goddess vibe that sends a man a clear message: ”I am a loving, trusting and calm woman and I expect respect, fidelity and love from you in return.” This kind of energy keeps a man from feeling smothered and walking on eggshells, while also keeping him ‘in check’. He feels equally that she is easy-going in the relationship and also high-maintenance (in the sense that he knows she will not tolerate real crap from him).
Finally, goddess energy is sensual, soft and sweet.
Goddesses know how to ‘tenderize’ a man’s soul and win a man’s heart with her soft curves, sultry voice and loving caresses. The key to being a sensual goddess is to know your boundaries. When you know for a fact what you will and won’t tolerate, your body can loosen up and your mind stays present with a man (enjoying his company). It’s when you don’t trust yourself with a man that you get brittle and step into your defensive masculine energy. Your masculine energy protects you and allows your subconscious to scream in a man’s ear; “You better back the f**k up and not hurt me!”. Men can not get intimate with that kind of energy. It makes them challenge you, play power games with you or just run away from you. Female energy whispers in a man’s ear; “Come hither. I trust myself enough to not let you too close unless you behave. So be a good boy, and let’s enjoy each other.”
Sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter. In it, I dissect your fears and insecurities and shine a light on all the ways in which your subconscious sabotages your changes at bliss. I’ll show you how to instantly have a better connection to yourself and your inner child. Your inner child, free of distrust, neurosis and self-loathing is what attracts a man to a woman!
Date Night Beauty Regime: Removing The Mask
Photo: Silvana’s Skin Care spa (SilvanaSkinCare.com)
As a dating and relationship coach my tools and techniques mostly involve working with women from the ‘inside-out’: finding a way to get closer to a man by getting closer to yourself and changing your thoughts. Sometimes however it helps to work from the ‘outside-in’.
A Calvin Klein sheath dress fresh off the rack or a pair of Burberry T-bar sandals can click on my feminine energy like a light switch. In this article I’m recommending a date night beauty regime that will not only make your skin radiant but will boost the love and confidence you feel in the presence of your man.
Right before date night, I’m a big fan of clay masks. They give my skin the buff and polish it needs. I have been a fan of Lancôme’s Pure Empriente Masque and Murad’s Clarifying Mask. But then I was given a sample of a facial clay mask that has changed my skin, and, in turn, my confidence.
Silvana Mak is a trusted, LA-based medical esthetician and skincare expert who gives a fantastic Brazilian bikini wax. She also has her own skincare line appropriately called Silvana Miracle. Her Vitamin C Serum is a favorite with her clientele. I am a devoted fan of Silvana’s Ocean and Earth Clay Mask. It’s goddess glow in a bottle!
Silvana’s date night beauty secret Ocean and Earth made my skin plump and moist, my pores tight, and the surface of my face feel like soft butter. My man even noticed, commenting that I looked youthful. And this is a man who took 3 hours to notice when I went from blonde to brunette.
I am a devoted fan of Silvana’s Ocean and Earth Clay Mask. It’s goddess glow in a bottle!
Just the ingredients listed on the clay mask’s label say it all. We are a society that is becoming health conscious and looking at labels when deciding what to eat. But it’s important to look at the label when you choose to put something on your skin. The ingredients in Silvana’s date night beauty regime mask, Ocean and Earth, are clean and simple: Water, Natural Earth Clay, Spirulina From the Ocean, Aloe, Kelp and Grape seed Oil.
Compare that list to what’s inside your favorite brand’s clay mask. I bet you won’t be able to pronounce most of those ingredients.
And the best part—Ocean and Earth softened my heart too. This date night beauty regime left me feeling so good about my 34 year-old derma that I almost danced my way to the table at my and my boyfriend’s favorite date night wine and cheese bar. I was playful, basking in the attention I received from my partner from across a charcuterie board.
I didn’t even have to think loving thoughts or make an effort to be appreciative and sweet that night. I just felt those things happen organically, and before the wine started to pour. Silvana helped me feel good about myself in a way that no other skincare brand has. Her date night beauty products are like a love potion No. 9 that makes women fall in love with themselves for a night. And what do I always say about dating: Men fall in love with women who fall in love with themselves.
Ocean and Earth’s more-than-reasonable $20 price tag didn’t hurt either. Goddess Glow that’s easy on your canvas tote.
How To Fix Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
If you’re scanning this website you’re probably not happy in your love life. And you’re probably very angry with men as a result. Maybe a man who you thought was one of the good guys recently dumped you. Maybe your husband cheated on you and you aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to forgive him. Maybe you’re like I was and have experienced bad relationship after bad relationship. Maybe you even know you have dysfunctional relationship patterns.
We don’t pick the men we pick by accident. Every romantic relationship brings childhood affairs to the surface. The way you go about getting your needs met in your relationships with men is the way you learned how to get your parents’ attention. The way a man’s actions make you feel has everything to do with the way your parent’s actions made you feel as a child.
Most of us know this. It’s Psych 101. However, when we’re tangled up in a man and all the chemical romance, it’s hard for us to really see our childhood relationship patterns at play. It’s even harder to stop them in their tracks.
Most of us know when we’re working too hard for love or when we’re accepting crumbs. Maybe we don’t want to accept that our weak sense of self in the relationship is similar to the way we felt as a child in the bond with our mother or father, but we do know when we are involved in something that feels unfulfilling and punishing.
I Feel Ya: Relationship Patterns Are Tough To Break!
But we can’t step back; we can’t break free; we can’t stop ourselves from chasing! The need for him and his love feels bigger than us; it’s working on us and we are powerless to slow down—like we’re on a treadmill and we know we’ll fall flat on our face if we stop running at the speed of the belt.
The harder we work to keep him and the longer we stay in there accepting his crap, the angrier we grow. We turn more and more hopeless and despaired. Our insecurities flare up and we lose our ability to be ourselves without questioning every statement we make and every action we take; “Was that too needy of me to say? Should I not have called him back so soon?”
We put ourselves into a box, and the box slowly gets tinier and tinier. Soon we can barely move around in the box and we then live with constant fear that we are ‘too much’, too emotional, too needy, too angry… too bad.
We even victimize ourselves or make ourselves martyrs for love. I have a friend who tells me, every time she lets an emotionally unavailable man break her heart (which has been quite a few times since I met her a decade ago): “It’s just that I’m too nice. I believe in the good in people. I trust that a man can change.” I just want to smack her upside the head; she knows, from day 1, these men are limited, she knows they don’t have the tools to have a healthy partnership with her or any woman, and yet she chooses to trust them over and over again. Why? What is she getting out of it? How is her “I’m a saint whose good deeds go unseen” routine secretly rewarding her?
How Are Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns Secretly Rewarding You?
They Give You The Chance To Fix A Broken Heart: Repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns with limited men gives us a chance to fix our childhoods, or fix past romantic relationships in which we got burned. It gives us a chance to say to our inner child; “Maybe I was never able to get mommy’s love but this guy, who is like mommy (or like my ex) in so many ways, will mend my little-girl heart.”
They Give You The Chance To Feel Worthy Of Love: Limited men actually dig you deeper into a hole of lovelessness and self-loathing. But when you are in the trenches, fighting for your life and the relationship, you don’t see it that way. You have a definition of love that’s based on what you’ve experienced in life. Getting with an emotionally available man who has healthy relationship patterns won’t make you feel loved if his way of loving you is foreign. You may like the idea of what he has to offer, but it will hang in the air like a concept and it won’t feel as rewarding as it would if you got Mr. Unavailable to change. You seek out a limited guy who loves in the painful way you are used to, and then, by the grace of your giving and loving nature, he evolves into a more emotionally available man—that’s when your inner child feels worthy of love!
Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns Give You The Chance To Be The Good Girl: If he’s the crazy guy, the emotionally unavailable guy, the jerk, the rage monster, the unaccountable man boy, then you get to be the sane one, the emotionally available one, the lovely, mature woman. In every relationship one person carries an aspect of the relationship. With the emotionally unavailable guy you get to embody all the appealing qualities and he, all the negative ones. The relationship may make you feel out of control and small, but inside you also feel righteous; “I did all the right things. I loved him harder than anyone ever would. He’s the unreasonable, evil one, not me.” You can reward yourself for all your efforts, even if they don’t amount to much; you can pat yourself on the back, even if the man is running away.
They Give You A Chance To Be Unaccountable To Your Happiness: How can you possibly have any chance at bliss if a man is treating you like dog poop? You can’t; therefore, you get out of your responsibility to yourself scott-free. You can whine and complain and get angry with God; you can act out and continue to feel like the victim, and it’s all somehow justified because you were toyed with.
If you want to break unhealthy relationship patterns once and for all and truly invite love into your life (instead of subconsciously keeping the door shut), then sign up for my goddess advice newsletter. My tools, exercises and insight will shed light on your dark side and turn you into a goddess who isn’t afraid to redefine love as something positive, filled with intimacy, trust and closeness!
I’m Freaking Out & Reading Into Everything
Here’s a letter written to me from Claudia, who is in a long distance relationship; however, any of us in local relationships could also be in her shoes.
Hi. I can’t tell you enough how thankful I am to have just bought your program. My circumstance is very common, I think. I am freaking out and reading into everything that my boyfriend is saying and doing.
Six months ago I moved two states away from him. When I left we made no plans for the future together. He said that he didn’t know how we would work out. I told him I would stay if he was sure of me, but he said it was too soon to know.
We have been together for three years. I think that “too soon” is a cop-out.
I moved, and since then , we are not talking that much on the phone and every time he doesn’t answer his phone, I assume he just doesn’t want to talk to me. He never calls me back right away and keeps his calls short.
The thing is that when I talk about my feelings and breaking things off, he says no. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. But we speak only like 3 times a week and haven’t seen each other in 2 months.
My family says I should just break it off, but I don’t want to do that. I love him and would move back to be with him but my job is good and he doesn’t seem to want to commit.
Should I move on? How do I stop reading into everything? Sometimes he says I’m nutty for assuming so many things, but I can’t help it. I’m tired of feeling insecure and confused and I hope your program helps me win him back.
My heart goes out to you. Long distance love is hard. I did a 1 1/2 year long distance relationship and it was very trying on my heart and patience.
The problem here is that your man has not made any attempt to commit, and I think you are right about 3 years being enough time to know. Some men know within 6 months that a woman is ‘the one’.
I’m so happy that you moved away and didn’t wait around for this man to define your life.
I know how crazy not knowing can feel. Suddenly, every text he sends is read and reread for hidden meanings. It’s best you don’t continue reading into things. It’s time for you to talk with him.
It sounds like you both have talked but maybe not in an effective way. My FREE Love Advice Newsletter will take you through the steps to prep for the conversation. The important thing to keep in mind is that your feelings are valid and that you have a right to look after your needs. You can be polite, open, loving and sweet, while still being direct, honest and firm.
Don’t let him guilt-trip you for moving or make you think you’re crazy for worrying and feeling needy. You have a right to feel stressed; you haven’t seen him in months because he makes zero effort to connect and yet he tells you he doesn’t want to break up. It’s maddening.
Just state your feelings and let HIM come up with the solution. If he has no solution, then back off from the relationship.
You can take his calls, have him stay with you (if he asks to visit and he buys his ticket), you can respond to his emails… You can’t, however, initiate contact or invitations to visit you. You also have to be clear with him that you are going to casually date other men until he is ready to commit. This isn’t a threat, it’s a way for you to get back out there and see that there ARE other men in the world and PERHAPS some of them are better equipped and more willing to make you happy!
Flirt with men and connect with people. Make an effort to make new friends in your new home state. Get nestled in and every time you want to reach out to your man like he’s some familiar security blanket, find new security blankets in your new location (a great gal pal, a local gelato shop or a cozy bookstore).
If he loves you and wants you as his life partner, he will pick up the pieces where you left off. Right now, it’s easy for him to have you there waiting around. Make him think that you are too great to wait. Because you are!
If you want me to read your emails, sign up for my Goddess Advice Newsletter and then hit ‘reply’ to one of my eLetters! You also may find the answer to your question in the newsletter, which is FREE and chock-full of great advice on men.