In An Imaginary Relationship? Don’t Be A Pit-Stop
It’s hard when you really like a guy to accept that maybe he just isn’t that into you, or that he does love you but is a commitment-phobe.
It’s so much easier to lie to yourself and only let yourself see the positive signs that point toward him having admirable intentions: He still calls, he spends a lot of time with you, he buys you things and says you are a good friend. However, if a man’s telling you that your relationship isn’t serious, believe him. Too many women get delusion and fall victim to the imaginary relationship.
Is He Really Showing You That He Can Give You What You Want?
When you get that “chemical romance” feeling for a guy and your heart and mind get all tangled up in him, it’s really hard to slow down and ask yourself if he’s doing his part to woo you. It’s so easy to make the excuse that he’s wounded from childhood or shy but he really does love you. However, like I always say, love isn’t a feeling; it’s a treatment of someone. If he isn’t treating you like a queen and talking about scooping you off the market, he’s not worth your time. Who cares what he feels for you? He needs to honor his loving feelings with loving behaviors!
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Have Too Much Masculine Energy With Men?
Too many women (I’ve been there too) cater to men in hopes that they’ll take a sexual relationship to the next level. This is where the imaginary relationship starts to cultivate. We get so invested in him (planning dates, burning energy thinking about him all the time, giving him sex whenever he wants it, and even spending money on cute lingerie and diet pills) that we fail to accept that he isn’t emotionally invested.
And you could have already met his friends and his family. You could be hanging out with him every Sunday afternoon, and yet he could know in the back of his mind that you are just a pit stop.
There is a little girl inside you (call her your inner child) and she isn’t very smart, but she is highly emotional. She doesn’t understand (like most 6 year-olds) that love isn’t always mutual. All she knows is that you’re wrapped up in this guy and doing everything you can for him, and she thinks that he feels the same way. Well, when the imaginary relationship ends and you want to key his car and shame him publicly on Facebook, it’s that little girl in your heart who is leading the protest. She makes moving on very hard.
The Aftermath Of The Imaginary Relationship
Most of us get into imaginary relationships because we’re scared of intimacy (yep, that means you). It’s easier to chase a guy who we have idealized in our minds than to start something real with a guy who is interested and available for a serious relationship. Serious relationships can feel smothering and terrifying because they set us up to feel close to someone. They set us up to be known for all our good, bad and ugly qualities, and that can be intimidating. It’s so much safer to chase a guy than it is to set yourself up for real abandonment from a man who actually got into your heart in a profound way.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Help! Bring Him To Me!
And I know you’re saying, “But my ‘friend’ did get into my heart in a profound way”; however, what’s actually happened is that you have created a fantasy around a few of his lovely traits. You don’t know really know this man—his secrets, his true feelings, his fears and his intentions. He hides from you because he doesn’t want you to come close, and that makes you YEARN to be closer to him. The little girl in you is like, “Why? Why can’t I come close? What’s wrong with me???”
The problem with the imaginary relationship is that it churns up a vicious cycle. You get into the imaginary relationship to protect yourself. You invest in him, you get dumped, your self-esteem hits the floor, and then you feel even more terrified of getting close to someone. That sets you up for another imaginary relationship with another emotionally unavailable man, and the next thing you know, you’re telling people that all men suck and adopting a cat. It’s a cycle of loneliness and plummeting self-confidence.
Take Care Of Your Little Girl
It’s time to stop catering to him and start listening to your heart. You secretly know this guy isn’t into you or doesn’t have the tools in his toolbox to love you the way you deserve. Stop thinking he will come around, because he already came around and wasn’t interested the first time. Once a guy has decided you’re not going to be his girlfriend, he’s not going to change his mind. Women change their minds and fall for male friends, but men don’t do this. If you’re already sleeping together and he’s not interested in more, he’s never gonna be.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: But I Know He Loves Me
Take the next few days to sit on your hands in your relationship. Don’t call him, text him, plan something for him. Don’t read into things you see on social media to assume he needs to hear from you about something like his sick mom. If he needed you, he’d be calling you. Just let him be and instead make a list of your personal boundaries (what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want).
To feel good about myself
To be heard and seen
To be more important than male freedoms and ego boosts from other women
To be treated like a doormat
To feel like a bad version of myself because of a man
To feel like the man I love lacks empathy and understanding
To be just some chick he’s dating
Then once you have your list, wait until HE calls and say something like this: “I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel like a bad version of myself and I feel that way right now. I’m looking for a commitment and I don’t want to sleep with a man unless he can offer that to me. What do you think?”
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Chasing Him and Catering To Him?
Hear him out and be open to him. If he doesn’t respect your feelings, he isn’t worth it. If he makes up more excuses, tell him that commitment shouldn’t be so hard to come by and that maybe you two aren’t meant to be together. Even if he ends things out of guilt, it’s better than stringing you along. You deserve better than being some guy’s afterthought.
And, yes, you can live without him.
My eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You, is all about how to be the woman who men adore without compromising any of your personal boundaries. Men want you to have personal boundaries; they make you high-maintenance in the good way. Men feel bad about doing wrong by a woman and when they are with a woman they know will always stand up for herself, they feel freed-up not to worry about guilt. This makes a man feel comfortable coming closer to you. The enchantress secrets in the book show you how to seduce a man and what to expect from a good man so that you don’t start making excuses for bad male behavior.
Why I Choose Rori Raye’s Circular Dating!
I’m Changing My Mind About Rori Raye’s Circular Dating. Why? Because I’m tired of watching women fall in love only to end up dumped before marriage.
I’m a big Rori Raye fan. I see hints of her teachings all over the internet and though she wasn’t the first, she was probably the most influential coach in the modern feminine energy craze. Her feeling messages and her way of making a woman feel inspired to ‘out-girl’ a guy by leaning back are wonderful tools. However I hadn’t always agreed with Rori on every front; the one Rori Raye term I never understood was Circular Dating.
What Is Circular Dating?
If you aren’t familiar with Rori Raye’s Circular Dating, allow me to give you a short explanation: you date no less than 3 men at the same time (sleeping with only one or none) until you get a real commitment (an engagement ring.)
I had always thought that Circular Dating was weird and unnatural. How are you supposed to meet a guy, get to know him on an intimate level and then agree to lifetime partnership when you are busy with two other men?
Circular Dating seems to block emotional intimacy from building and it shatters trust. How is a man supposed to get close to you and develop trust with you when he knows you are seeing other men on the side? How is he supposed to take your relationship serious when you aren’t?
What Changed My Mind
I have somewhat changed my mind about Circular Dating. I still think it’s awkward and unrealistic to expect a man to propose when you are dating other men; however, I now see why she recommends it to her loyal followers.
I have watched as friends have been dumped at the 3-6 month period. They date guys who act gungho at first and then slip away. A few weeks after these men start to pull back, they leave the relationship all together.
I also have friends who are stuck in years-long relationships that are going nowhere. The guys are in love and committed to monogamy but don’t have a partnership mentality. These boyfriends enjoy their space a little too much, wanting to live alone. Or maybe the two live together but he simply can’t commit to marriage.
In this scenario, the women are left wondering if they should have a baby with their boyfriend and hope he will stick around.
The Imaginary Relationship
Another Rori Raye term is the Imaginary Relationship. In this dating arrangement, the woman thinks that she is in a relationship with a man when she isn’t. She is delusional.
My friends who are stuck at the 3-6 month period and those who have hit a commitment-roadblock are in imaginary forever relationships.
It’s so easy to be in an imaginary relationship. It’s so easy to think you have something forever-worthy with a man when you don’t. And the guy won’t make an imaginary relationship easy to spot. He could introduce you to his family and meet yours; he could talk about a future together or ask you to move in. However, these are just fun acts and gestures to a man. They don’t mean he’s serious about a future.
Men Lie All The Time
They don’t mean to lie. In the moment they believe their lies to be truth. A man means it when he says he could see himself married to you, after knowing you for two weeks. He believes that his invitation to have you move into his place goes hand-in-hand with marriage, when it doesn’t.
Men don’t lie about commitment to be jerks or to keep women around. Men usually lie because they don’t understand themselves. They’re clueless– if they are EU, they don’t know it. New-love butterflies make them think they are emotionally available and capable of commitment.
A Partnership Mentality Is Developed At A Young Age
If you are capably of a committed, healthy partnership, you learned that early, in the first years of life. A secure attachment style makes a person more willing and able to be one part of a functioning, closeknit whole– capable of the healthy rallying required of togetherness.
I’d venture to say that most people are not capable of secure attachment without working hard to change their relationship patterns. I think this is why a lot of people chase unrequited love and why a lot of marriages fail. People get into marriage not realizing the amount of emotional availability and compromise it requires to be a lifelong team with someone.
A lot of men want to be a team with someone but they don’t have a secure attachment style. And they don’t understand this about themselves. They don’t realize that when they start to feel bored, irritated in a relationship and anxious to escape that they are coming face to face with their limitations. They don’t understand that healing and growth exist on the other side of that wall. They just think that a certain woman isn’t for them. So it’s goodbye.
Maybe you too have done this. You’ve gotten bored with a nice, good man so you just up and left him, thinking he wasn’t your Mr. Forever. And maybe he wasn’t for you, but maybe he was exactly what you needed to face your walls.
Circular Dating Stops You From Playing House Too Soon
So back to imaginary relationships… Circular Dating protects you from the heartbreak of a FAKE forever-relationship. You stop yourself from nesting with a guy who hasn’t proven to you that he IS going to stay (I don’t mean says he wants forever or shows signs of being in love with you—I mean has proven he is invested.)
A man’s investment (and a woman’s) takes a while to deepen. It’s important to take things slow and to not jump the gun.
I know that new relationships feel cozy. I know it’s amazing when you meet someone who seems perfect in all the right ways—you just want life together to start as soon as possible. However, that oxytocin feeling is not going to be around forever.
Circular Dating keeps you distracted. It forces you not to put all your hopes into any one man. It keeps you focused on finding Mr. Forever while also slowing down the pace of all your dating relationships long enough to see if a man is capable of a stable, longterm relationship.
In a nutshell: Circular Dating weeds out the love addicts and love avoidants.
Circular Dating also grounds you while you do the weeding. Men swing in and out of your life and your feathers remain unruffled. You don’t get caught up in rollercoasters and deadend love affairs with immature guys. You stay on course; you look for a husband without allowing a sexy EU man to steer you off course.
What To Tell Men When You Circular Date
Rori Raye advises women to tell men something like, “I am looking for the fairytale. I’m looking to find a husband and I’m not going to be exclusive with a man until I know that marriage is a reality.”
I think this works well. You can get more into it if you want:
“I feel more comfortable taking things slow, staying in the First Act of the dating relationship for a while until I get to know man better and trust is able to build. I also don’t want to find myself invested in a relationship that isn’t right for the man or for me.”
And don’t let him convince you to be exclusive. Don’t let him tell you that you’re the one for him after knowing you a few months and that he is certain about wanting forever with you. Just assume he’s lying and doesn’t know he’s lying– label him brainwashed by your allure and delusional about his capabilities. He is a poor soul caught under the spell of new love with a fabulous woman like you!
If he has only known you a few months, he can’t possibly be certain about forever. He can’t make that decision now—he barely knows you.
He may be the kind of guy who commits and makes a relationship work, but you don’t know that yet. Circular Dating will expose his true capabilities. Circular Dating will force him to put a ring on your finger or lose you.
Check out my eBook Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You and learn more about how to empower yourself in dating relationships. Taking things from date #1 to down-the-aisle shouldn’t be rushed and finding a guy who is capable of giving you what you deserve is not always easy. My book helps you listen to your heart without losing your common sense in the process.
Be Irresistible to Men: Owning Your Female Fire!
To be irresistible to men, a lady must first truly fall in love with herself, tending and nurturing HER own happiness, instead of trying to nurture and please ANY MAN!
If you think that to be irresistible to men is to act like Perfect Patty (laughing all the time, hiding all your negative feelings, having a perfect body, cooking perfect meals and being Suzy Homemaker in your free time), you are asking your man to fall in love with an illusion of you and not with YOU.
Men want women who accept themselves, know their worth and embrace their flaws with grace and kindness! When you are not afraid to be imperfect and to expose all your glorious flaws to a man, then you will end up with a much better relationship. You will end up with a man who truly loves and adores the real you… even when you are in curlers, sans make-up and toting a mini-skirt after lunch at Hometown Buffet!
Now, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t be mindful. Meaning what exactly? Meaning you shouldn’t use the excuse of self-acceptance to be a jerk in your relationship. You shouldn’t assume, “Well, this is me and he has to accept me as I am!”
You should always be aware of how you act in the relationship and always be a considerate and compassionate partner. Don’t be some diva and throw your weight around and think that a quality man who isn’t a doormat is going to stick around. But don’t try to fool him either, making him think you are a saint and a trophy woman. Being an attractive woman isn’t about hiding your ugly feelings and competing for best perma-smile!
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Are You A Clingy Girlfriend With A Needy Vibe?
How to be irresistible to men: Find Your Female Fire!
Female Fire is your true feminine essence, your passion for life, level of confidence, wild and carefree spirit… Your fire is your sassiness and your boldness. It gives you freedom to speak your mind and makes you strong enough to share your vulnerability and insecurities with any man. Your Female Fire is what gives you permission to feel highly sexual and never ashamed or inhibited about your sexuality and/or your body.
How do you find your Female Fire in order to be irresistible to men? You stop the kinds of thought patterns that will leave you emotionally drained and fearful of love, and you start listening to your heart and passions. You know that anxious feeling you get when you feel powerless to negativity and you can’t stop marinating in it? That hard-to-control feeling will eat at your mental health and bog you down. It will eventually dwindle your Fire and turn you into a shadow of your best self, and no man wants a shadow creeping up on him.
When you are feeling down due to a man’s behavior in a relationship, it’s so easy to call your girlfriends and harp on and on about the dismal state of your love life. It’s a temporary relief to complain and complain about him to anyone who will listen. But doing this sets you off on a path of self-defeat. It’s really hard to get off the phone after complaining for an hour and go do something productive and up lifting.
It’s like when you stop working out and don’t eat well, thus feeling lethargic and moody, which leave you without the will to further workout. A vicious cycle starts up and you soon feel awful, disappointed in yourself, hard on yourself, and depressed about your life. The same thing can happen in your relationships with men. If you allow a relationship to bring you down and make you feel bad, you will end up feeling like a bad version of yourself in that relationship and because of that relationship.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Be Confident With Men
Refocus Your Energy Away From Drama
Your female fire is your best you! And to feel it, you have to stay positive and proactive. You can still feel all your feelings (negative and really dark) but you can’t allow those feelings to make choices for you. You can’t let drama and heartache rule your days and make you focus on ‘he-said-she-said’s, instead of on things that make you happy and make you feel good.
When you take your focus off the drama and pain of love and put all that energy into your hobbies, or the aspects of your job that you love, or your family, or your favorite sport, you start feeding the fire, and the fire in turn feeds your ability to have a great relationship. It’s a shift that happens inside you– a choice you make in a moment to stop allowing negativity to be absorbed into your bloodstream.
Your fire, when blazing fierce, gives you the spunk and drive to tell a man what you feel, what you need and how much you love him. It gives you the ability to drop your insecurities and laugh. It gives you to chance to take a yucky, sticky situation in which your man seems disenchanted with you, and turn it into an opportunity to show him how well you can go with the flow of life and not let his issues with the relationship suck you dry of tears and love.
So next time your man says something or does something that makes you feel angry, insecure or sad, feel those feelings and express them to him, but then find a way to take care of yourself and keep your fire blazing. Go do something that makes you happy and do something that shows him that you are too fierce to just wait around with a frown.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: In An Imaginary Relationship? Don’t Be A Pit-Stop!
Giving men power over your life’s happiness is NOT attractive and makes men feel burdened. When you can express yourself and then move onto something uplifting without spiraling into a cycle of drama and anxiety, you are sending him a very clear message without ever having to say it directly: “Buddy, if you want this Fire blazing through your life, get with the program or get out of my blessed way!”
Check out my e-book, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. In the book I offer 27 enchantress secrets to help you own your female fire and magnetize men effortlessly. So few men know how to act chivalrous these days. This book will get you the chivalrous treatment you deserve! It will help make you magnetic and show you exactly how to begin being irresistible to men.
Sex & Heart (How to be a more sensual & sexual woman)
Seduction Genie (How to seduce men with your Fire)
Feel Taken Advantage of? Don’t Be a Man’s Doormat!
I always want women to feel empowered enough to never be a man’s doormat. There is nothing that feels worse than that sinking feeling of being taken advantage of!
Are you compromising your self-esteem in the name of ‘love’?
Love should make you feel great. It should make you feel like the best you there is. Love lifts us, it doesn’t put us under the shoes of an ungrateful man. When you feel like a doormat, you are not experiencing love, you are seeking acceptance, and in love, there should ALREADY be acceptance.
Having a beautiful and healthy relationship– one where neither partner feels taken advantage of– is all about acceptance– accepting the other person completely for who they are inside their soul and accepting yourself enough to know your worth.
The key difference between being an accepting woman and being a doormat is a fine line; however, it’s an important distinction. When you accept someone as they are, it doesn’t mean you accept poor treatment from them. It doesn’t mean you let them walk all over your feelings and needs. It doesn’t mean you allow them to make you feel bad about yourself. When accepting another person you DO NOT judge them but you DO stick up for yourself; you accept them as much as you accept your own needs!
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: In An Imaginary Relationship? Don’t Be A Pit-Stop
If a man is wounded from childhood or has a few unfavorable (even unattractive) traits, accepting his past and those unpleasant qualities is important. Love is not an audition where you are trying out a person for a while, keeping them feeling insecure about your feelings for them while you decide if they are good enough for you.
Love is a decision and you have to make the decision, if you are going to date, to embrace men in their ENTIRETY and make each and every one feel as secure in their skin as you can. You aren’t going to roll your eyes at their weaknesses or point fingers at their flaws. You are going to be the true definition of a real woman and find the best ways to empower others. Feminine Allure is about making men feel like the best versions of themselves in your presence.
Most Men Don’t Want You To Feel Taken Advantage Of
Now… If you worry that you are being taken advantage of and feel like you are slowly wilting into a pathetic fragment of your former self, you should tell him exactly how you feel and give him the opportunity to correct his shortcomings.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: Compromise Vs. Being A Pleaser
Most men, after all, are more clueless than vicious, and they WANT to make you happy, some are just limited in their capacity to handle and have quality, mature relationships. Voicing your feelings and working together to find solutions is the way to go. If he isn’t willing to hear your feelings or help work with you to find solutions to your needs, you need to move away from that relationship.
You can still accept him for who he is and send him lovingly out into the universe to find his own path toward happiness and love, but you cannot stay his doormat. You can’t stay involved in a relationship with someone who doesn’t show interest in your feelings and needs. That person is not interested in your ‘light’, in accepting your soul into their life; they are only interested in finding a “fixer” to their existential pain.
So think about the way your man makes you feel, express those feelings to him, and take inventory of his ‘level of willingness‘ to take care of you. If his level of willingness is low, don’t fool yourself into thinking that he just needs to be loved more purely and deeply by you in order to want a real relationship with you.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: But I Know He Loves Me
You deserve a man’s willingness to love you, at the very least! And he deserves not to be auditioned for the sake of your ego, but instead, he should be handed a part in your play from the moment you decide to show him the script.
If you want to know how to buff and polish your feminine allure and make your man feel like the best version of himself… WITHOUT sacrificing AN OUNCE of who you are as a beautiful, caring, sexy woman worth loving, then sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter!
Until then, I’d rather you step off his porch and outta his life than ever be a man’s doormat!
“What Are Signs That He Loves Me?”
Do you waste hours online looking up ‘what are signs that he loves me?’
This article is coauthored by Sarah Jeanette.
- Are you constantly wondering if your man’s motives for spending time with you and making love to you are honorable?
- Are you worried about whether he is REALLY serious about building a long-term relationship with you and isn’t just blowing time until he meets Mrs. Right?
- If you’re married, do you burn a lot of mental energy worrying about whether your husband feels truly committed to the marriage and will stay with you forever?
You are not alone! Both of us have been so worried about whether or not a man loved us that we spent countless hours gossiping with friends about our relationships, bugging our men about their TRUE feelings, and trying to do whatever we could to be PERFECT girlfriends and wives (great bodies, great sexual performers, great cooks…).
But, the truth is, it’s not that easy to know whether a man loves you and whether he will STAY in love with you.
What you can do is to start thinking about how he makes YOU FEEL.
Are you happy in your relationship? Do you feel valued and well taken care of? Do you feel comfortable being YOU in the relationship? Is your life better because of this man’s love?
See, you may love him, need him, and think you’re soul mates, but that doesn’t mean he is ADDING to your life. And if he isn’t, then it really doesn’t matter whether he loves you in his heart or not, does it?
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Love Blog: In An Imaginary Relationship?
So many women make a huge mistake in relationships—they think what matters is the amount of love for them in a man’s heart. Love isn’t just a feeling: it’s way of treating someone.
Stop Guessing And Start Communicating!
My coauthor on Inspire His Love for You, Sarah Jeanette, and I both refer to love as a true love connection. When you can view love as a connection in which you and a man give and receive loving treatment in order to improve each other’s well-being, you are on your way toward building a HEALTHY, deeply connected relationship. When you and a man are growing as individuals because of your relationship, you are in love.
Instead of worrying about whether a man’s heart is flooded with butterflies or his soul is under a love spell ask yourself what he is and ISN’T giving you in the relationship, and then APPRECIATE him for the gifts he provides and communicate what else you need.
(In our e-manuals, we will show you HOW to talk to him in an effective way so that you get the loving behavior you need from him.)
Also, be proactive about your love life by thinking about what you can do to show him HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM in a way that resonates with HIM. Most people show love by doing things for the other person that they would like to receive from a loved one. This is a good place to start, but you must also show love in other ways that may not mean much to you but deeply touch your significant other’s heart.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Love Blog: But I Know He Loves Me
So, encourage him to communicate his needs and be alert for moments when he mentions things he appreciated that you did for him. It might surprise you to learn that you haven’t been fulfilling his needs the way you thought, and it may also make you more aware of whether you two are compatible—whether you can truly give him what he needs without feeling put upon.
In my eBook Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You, I’ve written advice on turning around a man’s treatment of you by changing YOUR treatment of HIM. I’ll give you exercises and tools to help you be a mindful lover and partner—a woman who cares about her man’s life and feelings, and not just his feelings for her.
I’ll also teach you to listen to your heart to really KNOW whether a man is GOOD for you, and whether you are in love with HIM or in love with the idea of EARNING HIS LOVE. We will also teach you how to trust in a man’s love so that you stop doubting his feelings and avoid bringing that pessimism into your connection with him.
See, the ENERGY you have around a man is what REALLY inspires his heart, and the best energy to have is built on TRUST!
I’ve come up with a wonderful way of looking at love and life so that you can stop letting fears run your relationship and make you crazy with impossible questions like “Does he love me?” or “Will he stay with me?” Instead, you’ll be able to create a beautiful true love connection with a man who is able and willing to give you the moon and the stars.
Stop stressing over “What are signs that he loves me?” and ask yourself why you even have to worry about that with him!
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Love Blog: How To Talk With Your Man
How To Handle The Early Stages Of Dating
Here’s an article I wrote for YourTango.com:
Are you in the early stages of dating a man and wondering if he is as serious about you as you are about him?
Are you trying really hard not to ruffle his “commitment feathers” by asking him how he feels about you? Are you, instead, trying your best to show him what a great catch you are by being the sweet, fun-time, easy-breezy gal on the outside (even if you are crumbling with worry and insecurity on this inside)?
Putting the man in front of your feelings and needs may seem like the right thing to do at the beginning of a relationship (hey, don’t we all have irrational fears that aren’t attractive?), but it will actually push him away.
Just because you don’t want to feel insecure, needy, uncomfortable and scared, doesn’t mean that you aren’t feeling that way. And chances are—if you feel these feelings in your budding relationship, he can sense them.
Trying to play the “cool card” when you are anything but, isn’t going to bring him closer. He’s going to smell a disharmonious vibe wafting off you: you say you’re fine but your energy screams, “Do you love me or not, and why don’t you show it more?!”
Instead of the cool card, here are a few ways to help bring him closer while still prioritizing your feelings during the early stages of dating:
In The Early Stages Of Dating: Tell Him Exactly How You Feel Inside
You don’t have to ask about his feelings because that might feel invasive to him, but you can and should tell him about yours. If you are worried about his level of commitment to your relationship or just don’t like the fact that he’s late to pick you up for a date, etc., the best thing you can do is be 100% upfront:
- “I feel so uncertain in this relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship that feels this undefined. It scares me, because I don’t want to fall in love with you and end up sad. Do you understand my concerns?”
- “I feel disrespected. I don’t like to be left waiting for a man. It doesn’t feel good to me.”
If he’s a good guy, he will jump to ease your feelings. He may not offer you a commitment, but he may apologize for making you feel uncertain, or he may just listen in a way that feels nice.
Build Confidence By Holding Off On Exclusivity
I know you like him and you feel like you may be ready to give him a life-long commitment, but are you really sure about that? Lots of times we meet a great guy and chase the commitment. But in reality, we often don’t know him long enough to be sure he’s “the one.”
If he was chasing you for a commitment, would you be the slightest bit hesitant? Probably. You would seriously weigh your options and think hard about how the relationship would work long-term, right?
Now is the time to slow things down to be sure of him. Forget slowing things down not to scare him off. It’s not about him. It’s about you, and you have to stop giving him the power. If he is holding back and making you wonder about things, maybe he’s isn’t the man you want to be with for the rest of your life.
When you hold off on “wearing his ring”, you take the time to evaluate how the relationship makes you feel instead of worrying how it makes him feel. A good man will make you feel secure, confident, happy and peaceful. He won’t leave you lost in a pile of doubt. A good relationship adds to your life and doesn’t leave you saying, “if only he ____.”
Let Him Step Up To Plate For You
Wanting a man’s love can’t be handled like a job promotion. You can’t work hard to earn his heart. It doesn’t happen like that. In fact, the more you work hard when dating a man, the more he feels like you aren’t “expensive.”
Men want a woman with a high price-tag and your price is determined by your self-worth. When you’re constantly trying to “seal the deal” with him or “close the gap” in the relationship, he can feel that you don’t have a sense of self-worth and are looking to define yourself by the relationship. That can weigh him down, making see you like a wet blanket.
When you have a lot of self-worth, you don’t rush into things and you don’t make someone a priority when they make you an option. A man wants to feel like he has to hunt you and earn you. Let him. Stop calling him, texting him, planning the dates, asking him if he’s okay, etc.
Letting him step forward and carry the load in the relationship doesn’t just make you more attractive, it makes you feel better about things. It allows you to sit back and enjoy the way a man celebrates you, instead of running around trying to celebrate him. And if he doesn’t step up to plate, it’s best you know now!
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You and learn how to be an enchanting man-magnet. I will show you how to hold onto your Female Fire while dating a man, and how to use your Fire to ignite flames of passion in his heart for you.
How to Attract a Man Using Your Vulnerability
If you really want to know how to attract a man, using your vulnerability is the way to go.
The only way to get into a man’s heart is to let him into yours. A man can lust after a hot body, a sassy attitude and a li’l red lipstick, but the only way to truly attract a man and HOLD his interest is to give him a reason to deeply care for you.
What Do I Mean By Using Your Vulnerability to Attract a Man?
I don’t just mean be a sappy, willowy woman who tears up at the sight of baby deer (I do this, but that’s beside the point). By vulnerability, I mean exposing your feelings about ANYTHING, good or bad. That means sadness AND anger… and excitement, anxiety, nervousness, etc.
By vulnerability I mean sharing your TRUE feelings about any and everything. Now, I don’t mean your opinions, which are fine to share, but your opinions won’t make him feel more in love with you. They may make him respect you, admire you, think you are great, cool, fun, smart, witty, etc. But your feelings will make him feel HIS feelings for you. Shared opinions make for great friends but shared feelings create love.
I want you to share your feelings about the little things as much as about the big things: a certain restaurant, the weather, your favorite movie, etc. Instead of sharing your opinions about these things from a cerebral place; “That movie was excellently directed”, share your feelings from your heart; “The way that movie was directed made me feel so sympathetic for the main character. My heart bleed for her.” And allow your emotions to match your words. Allow yourself to get into your feelings and to share them without walls or pretense. Don’t push out fake feelings; just trust in him enough to share authentic emotion.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Blog: Talk With Your Man & Get Him To Open Up
You will immediately become a more passionate person in his eyes. You will steam with life and allure. He will think you are more sensual, sexier, and sultry… A woman who is in touch with her emotions (not drama, just passion about life) stirs up a man’s own emotions, much like a yawn makes another person yawn. Men with strong masculine energy are thinkers and doers, and feminine energy helps to balance this and keep men in the moment. When a woman has strong feminine energy, she has the power to be a man’s vacation from thought. After all, love isn’t about reason/logic/ration… it’s best served with a garnish of passion-zest!
How Do I Expose My Vulnerability to Attract a Man?
Exposing your vulnerability is scary, especially if you are used to relating with men from a mental and/or physical place (your conversation or your sex). In my Love Advice Newsletter, I offer the force field technique to help women feel more comfortable getting out of their heads and into their hearts.
Imagine you have a force field around you every time you relate with men. Inside the force field walls, you are safe to feel whatever you want and speak these feelings without worrying whether you will be judged. You are emotionally FREE within your force field. You can relax into your feelings, take time to take inventory of your feelings and expose your feelings without worry of being attacked for having them.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Blog: ‘Help! Bring Him To Me!’ How To Bring Him Closer
To help feel safe within an imaginary force field, make sure you can feel the impenetrability of your force field’s walls. Are they made up of powerful, atom-blasting energy, like a force field in a SCIFI movie? Are they a ring of fire, singeing every male rejection that dares to touch its flame? Is the force field wall made of the wallpaper from your room as a child where you always felt safe to go? I worked with one woman who imagined she was inside her favorite teddy bear from childhood. Don’t judge your choice (or the idea of the force field); just allow your mind to get creative about finding a way to make you feel COMFORTABLE & SAFE within your personal space.
Most people who have a hard time expressing vulnerability have been shamed in some way in the past when they once shared their feelings. Probably as a child, someone (a parent, sibling, peer, teacher) repeatedly shamed (or ignored) them, and now they have a hard time exposing their true emotions (or even knowing what they are).
A force field helps you tackle this IRRATIONAL fear that many of us have– this fear that something harmful will happen to us if we share our feelings. A lot of women have a hard time sharing feelings with men, feeling that the man is going to violate their openness in some way. It’s a very scary feeling that isn’t understood as much as it is felt deep down. A force field allows you to trust enough to allow your deep fears to subside enough for vulnerability to surface inside you and come out.
Next time you are with a man, remind yourself that you are safe inside your force field walls and that you can: melt into a man’s touch, let your eyes linger on his when he speaks to you, giggle at his teasing, cry at his wounding words, etc.
Exposing your vulnerability fully to a man may even make you feel so nervous, that you’ll shake. Let yourself tremble. It’s okay to expose your nerves around a man. It’s normal for a lot of women to cry at the gentle, caring touch of a man, especially if she has never allowed herself to melt into his touch. Let him see, feel, hear (experience FULLY) YOUR emotional experience. It will make him feel honored to know you so well. It will melt his heart for you.
Even your anger can melt his heart and make him love you more. Without directing your anger at him, express it fully. You can scream, yell, cry, or fall to your knees. You can look at him and say, “I am so angry right now.” Just don’t push him away with your anger by walling yourself off. If he comes toward you, let him comfort you in a heated moment. Don’t turn her back on him or stiffen up, let him make good on his mistake (or comfort you for pain someone else has caused you). Show him that he doesn’t have to fear your expressions of hostility– that he is safe around you even when you are upset. This will make him very attracted to you.
Knowing how to attract a man using your vulnerability makes you a master at building human connection.
We can’t expect someone to love us, if we do not let him or her in. Sometimes it’s hard to let a man in even when we want to. Some of us are victims of a cold, harsh society and have shutdown emotionally. Do you feel NOTHING (numb, cloudy-headed) when a man tries to emotionally connect through intimate touches and words? If so, you can change this. If you continue to work on feeling safe within these intimate moments (staying present in your thoughts and even sharing with him that you have intimacy issues), you will slowly melt this coldness in your heart and will start to feel real tenderness in your soul. This tenderness is a total aphrodisiac!
My eBook Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You can help melt a man’s heart like a flame does a candle’s wax. My exercises and insight will help you discover your authentic self and help you share yourself fully with a man in such an intimate way, he won’t know how to combat the emotional-wall-pulverizing weapons of your heart!
Read More Relationship Advice For Women On This Blog: How To Be More Intimate
How To Handle Your Jealousy
I don’t think you need me to tell you that your green-eyed-monster side isn’t going to help your relationship. The question is how to handle your jealousy?
This article is coauthored by Sarah Jeanette.
Is your man giving you some indirect reasons to be a jealous woman:
- Is he“half there” in your relationship?
- Maybe he is polite and kind but his words and actions seem devoid of passion and real desire?
- Does he touch you and make love to you like he’s opening a door for a lady or pulling out a chair for her to sit down–like he’s just going through the gestures?
- Is he unfazed by events like your anniversary or mother’s day?
- And other times is he just not around at all–coming home late or making excuses for why he can’t spend more time with you?
- Maybe he doesn’t even try to be polite and is grouchy and irritable all the time, treating every one of your requests and needs like they are annoying sacrifices of his time and energy?
- Does his lackluster treatment of you make you have suspicions that there may be another woman in his life or that he secretly wants to stray but hasn’t yet?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, let us ask you this, too:
Are you feeling angry with jealousy and scared with insecurities, due to these behaviors he is exhibiting? Do you feel like your jealousy is pushing him even further away?
If so, Sarah knows exactly what you are feeling right now. She dated this one man who unintentionally was always making her feeling jealous of other women. At first he seemed REALLY into her and was very attentive and generous with his time and affection. Soon into dating him, he was less so and she was finding herself always looking around at other women and comparing herself to them.
Read More From The Relationship Advice Blog For Women: How To Share Your Feelings With Him
She couldn’t pass a beautiful woman while with her boyfriend and not look at him to see if he was looking at her. She would ask him questions sometimes about his interest in other women at his job or would try to solicit compliments from him. He hated these questions and always said she was “fishing” for reassurance. She ran herself crazy exercising, dieting, and primping all the time. And when she was too emotional to keep the diet or to exercise one day, she would beat herself up even more.
It wasn’t like he was trying to make her jealous or was giving her obvious, direct messages that she wasn’t “enough” for him. He never said, “I wish you would look like this or do this in bed!” She just felt these things from him, like a vibe he was giving off in his uninspired actions. He did seem a little disenchanted with her, a little uninspired to touch her, caress her, crave to be around her. She felt like he was just “going through the motions” and she was not happy in the relationship.
She never spoke with him directly about her feelings and didn’t know the ACTUAL REASONS for why he was acting like this. Maybe he was just like that in a relationship. But she wanted him to be more into her and their sex and this desire on her part was making her think that there was something wrong with HER.
I told her that she should investigate this feeling of inadequacy she was experiencing and try to discover where they were coming from inside her. I told Sarah that if she wasn’t willing to leave the relationship and find a man that always made her feel “enough”, she should talk to him about her feelings directly and not dance around things with “fishing” questions! said she should also try to do what she could to feel better about herself so that she wouldn’t take his behavior as a deeply wounding personal rejection.
Sarah did what I suggested and had a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend. She told him she felt jealous and insecure about his feelings for her. He told her he wasn’t cheating and did love her but that her insecurity of his feelings bugged him to the point where he didn’t want to work on things in the relationship and didn’t feel inspired to want to be closer to her. She was hurt but also relieved that he wasn’t cheating. She knew that if she wanted to stay with this man, she was going to have to deal with her insecurities on her own.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: How To Touch A Man!
Write Down Your Triggers
So Sarah started writing about her feelings in her journal and realized that she had constant worries about her boyfriend cheating with smart and funny women.
Why was she obsessing over the women being smart and funny? Maybe it was because he worked in the entertainment industry and was around a lot of funny and smart women all the time?
One day when she was out with him, he started talking about his crush on Chelsea Handler and she started to fume. She got so upset she almost walked out of the restaurant. The jealousy was so strong and it was then that she realized she never felt she was truly smart and funny growing up. Other loved ones knew she was smart and funny but Sarah didn’t feel that way about herself.
And when her boyfriend confirmed her gut suspicions that he liked funny, smart women, she realized that this was adding to her insecurity and making her feel jealous. The primping and obsessing about her looks was a way to compensate. If she couldn’t be funny and smart, she would at least be the most beautiful woman around.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog From Women: Insecure In Love? Stop Making Him Prove Himself
Well, instead of expending more energy on her boyfriend’s behavior in the relationship, she stopped letting his recently distant behavior dictate her happiness, and she started to focus on herself and work on her feelings about her worth as a woman.
Don’t Let Your Inner Voices Exaggerate Your Weaknesses, Or You Will Feel Inadequate!
She started to slowly embrace the fact that she WAS smart and funny. She accepted that she may not have been The Smartest or The Funniest woman but that she was definitely no dumb blonde and could tell a solid joke, so she wasn’t The Stupidest or The Dullest woman either.
Once she started accepting that she was funnier and smarter than she allowed herself to believe she was, something happened–she stopping being so jealous all the time. She stopped worrying that she wasn’t enough for her boyfriend. She stopped thinking that his moods were about her.
And guess what else happened? He started to change! He started to call more often and look at her with passion in his eyes. He started telling her how amazing she was all the time. One night he said to her, “I feel good about things! You are such a great woman–so sweet, sexy, FUNNY and SMART!”
Sarah couldn’t believe her ears!
It was like he knew!
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Put Up Personal Boundaries & Remove Emotional Walls
But the truth was, he didn’t KNOW, he just felt a shift in her vibe around him and this inspired him. Her new-found self-acceptance inspired him to give her the compliments she was “fishing” for before.
Don’t Push Him Away With A Skewed Self-Image
Something about his behavior is feeding some insecurity in you. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or that you are a green-eyed monster! It just means that the universe is telling you something through him– that you have to heal a part of yourself that he is magnifying through his actions and words.
Out of desperation and deep need, you may directly be nagging him, questioning him, yelling at him, sulking, throwing yourself at him with a constant need for reassurance…
You may be trying to APPEAR confident but aren’t feeling that way and are doing subtle, indirect things in the relationship that are making him feel less attracted to you–even is HE doesn’t realize it. You could be putting yourself down a lot in conversation or being hyper critical of other women you secretly envy, or slouching when you walk in a way that looks apologetic,etc…
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Three Ways To Keep Your Man From Walking
You should always be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, but sometimes we can push that kind of man away and he can start acting in a way that confirms our insecurities. Then, a vicious cycle starts where we feel insecure and act it and then he gets off-put and we feel MORE insecure and he moves further away!
But the thing is, we can’t look for constant reassurance from an already-uninspired man. If he feels drained and exhausted from your insecurities, he won’t want to reassure you. At these times, you have to reassure yourself.
In fact, you should always be your own best cheerleader and healer! His love is only part of the solution.
The Mistress Exercise
If you want to inspire your man to treat you with more passionate attention, try the following exercise called The Mistress Exercise to start getting to know your own insecurities and learn how to handle your jealousy…
(Don’t do this exercise if your man IS cheating. This is not a way to start feeling insecure about yourself, it’s a way to start putting all of yourself into your relationship. This isn’t about a REAL mistress that exists in your man’s life. This ISN’T about the types of women HE talks about liking. This is about YOUR fears, which you subconsciously might think are your weaknesses as a woman in a relationship.)
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Having Goddess Energy
What you do is this…
Go to a place in your home where you can be alone and feel safe to be vulnerable.
Close your eyes and think about your insecurities in the relationship.
Breathe deep and allow your fears to surface.
When you feel jealousy and agitation running through your body…
Imagine you are outside of a small, intimate café in a small vacation-town in the middle of winter.
It’s cold and dark outside. You are bundled in a coat and looking through the frosted glass of the café’s windows.
Inside the café, at a small, cozy, candle-lite table in the corner, sits your man…
…With another woman. (This cannot be a woman he is ACTUALLY cheating with–this is AN IMAGINARY woman, or FAMOUS woman. This is the woman you would MOST FEAR your husband cheating with. For me, it’s Angelina Jolie. For Sarah, it’s Chelsea Handler)
They (your man and her) are laughing and are physically very close. He is clearly very into her.
The two of them are experiencing the opposite of what you are at this moment–they are warm with love, they are happy, they are both feeling connected to another human…
As you lean into the window further, you take your attention off of him and his behavior, and instead you begin to hone in on HER.
What does she look like?
Is she beautiful? Is she beautiful in a way you are not? More edgy perhaps? More feminine style of dressing?
Examine her head-to-toe.
Now, imagine you have a 5th sense and you can know a person’s personality just by seeing them once.
Look closely at her and the way she is behaving and begin to pick apart her personality.
Is she a soft- spoken woman? Is she playful and kind? Is she a great lover who surrenders to a man’s touch? Is she vulnerable and comfortable sharing her emotions with a man in a tender way?
Now read her thoughts. What are they like? Is she all-trusting and happy to be with him? Is she scared of love but quietly risking moments of intimacy, despite her fears?
Open your eyes and write all about her.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: In Love With A Married Man?
Get every detail of this mistress, who has stolen your man in your fantasy, out on paper!
Now, when you are done, write a SELF-SOOTHING mantra and say it aloud to calm yourself. Something like:
“I’ve finished this exercise and now I release my jealousy and insecurities into the universe. I know that I am a woman who is worth loving and has every one of the qualities of this fantasy mistress inside me right now. I find peace in my self-discovery and I am happiest when I live free of denial.”
We want you to look at this list!
The words on this list are parts of YOURSELF you are NOT surrendering to him and the relationship but subconsciously WANT TO.
If this imaginary mistress is dressed like a goddess in pink and gold chiffon, perhaps you want to dress more youthful and elegantly alluring, but are afraid of that power or feel too uncomfortable with your figure to do so.
If this imaginary mistress has a velvety caress, silky hair, and a buttery smile, those things are aspects of a very sensual, feminine woman. Are you allowing thoughts to cloud your existence and stop your body from FEELING all your senses at work?
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Have Too Much Masculine Energy With Men?
If she is laughing with him and is a curly-headed blond who is bubbling with cheerful delight, perhaps you are not allowing yourself to be playful and high-spirited in the relationship. Maybe you are bogged down with HEAVINESS and neurosis and can’t seize the moment and throw your life pain and insecurities in the relationship aside for a few laughs.
Use this exercise –NOT TO GIVE YOU MORE INSECURITIES– but to allow yourself to start being the woman you want to be in your relationship. The woman you WANT to be but can’t OWN inside yourself.
This mistress is just the parts of you that you are insecure about.
Once you address these issues, you will do the exercise again and see that she has changed into a different woman with new qualities you will want to address about yourself.
We want to help ease your fears about HIM so you can trust him and can surrender ALL of YOURSELF to your relationship. How? By working on what YOU subconsciously or consciously feel are your weaknesses and then accepting yourself more.
You can’t control your man, and men cheat for a myriad of reasons–many of which are not about us. But you can work on your fears so that you don’t inadvertently push him away from you.
Remember, this article and exercise are about taming fears you know are IRRATIONAL. A lot of the time we bring our insecurities in a relationship and make something a man’s fault, even if it isn’t. This can make him feel less attracted to you because he feels exhausted by your need for reassurance or because he feels off-put by your insecurities.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Help! Bring Him To Me! How To Ease Obsessive Energy!
In my Love Advice Newsletters, I will help ease your insecurities and give you the courage and self-knowledge to go out and be the bewitching and enchanting woman who inspires her man’s love.
I’ll take you by the hand and kickstart your journey toward becoming a solution-oriented, fearless Love Empress who isn’t afraid to peer inside the dark crevices of her soul and feel more confident as a result.
We also give tools and exercises to help you improve upon the areas of yourself where you feel insecure so you can re-ignite his passion for you.
Why live with fears and push a good man away? You deserve a great relationship!
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog For Women: Is He Cold To You? Handle Him This Way!
If you want to learn how to stop feeding your insecurities and start feeling like a gorgeous enchantress who knows exactly how to magnetize men effortlessly, take a peek at my newest e-book Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You and learn the 27 secrets to unleashing your FEMALE FIRE and being a man magnet.