Why Personal Boundaries Make Him Love You
Personal boundaries do 2 things: They make you more soft, sweet and vulnerable AND they act on your behalf as a guardian that demands respect from men. These two byproducts of having personal boundaries up your worth in a man’s eyes!
Men say they want easygoing women who don’t bust their balls and give them tons of space. They are LYING!
When men have doormat girlfriends (or when a girl doesn’t care how a man treats her or that he prioritize the relationship) they feel dissatisfied. The doormat girlfriend makes him feel like he could do better (after all, who wants to be with someone who has no self-esteem). The girlfriend who doesn’t care how he acts, leaves him feeling unloved and under appreciated.
Men want and need partners who show them the value of mutuality, intimacy and partnership. When a woman has personal boundaries she does this for her man. She acts as the LOVE GUIDE and through her actions and words, she gives him a guide map (or a manual, if you will) how how to be in a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship.
Men are like border collies– they are workers! They like to work for their woman. They just need to be shown HOW to work to earn her love.
Personal Boundaries Remove Emotional Walls!
The more boundaries you put up around a relationship (and the more you STICK to these boundaries), the more you trust yourself. When you know when and how to step back from a relationship to take care of yourself and redirect negative thoughts and feelings back to peaceful ones, you feel confident and powerful as an individual.
When you can trust yourself and feel powerful and confident as an individual, you will lose any brittleness with a man. You will also stop sending him mixed messages and acting dramatic about things, and will instead be inviting, calm and loving with your energy.
See, when your boundaries are down, you have one foot on the gas and one on the brakes. You pull him toward you (being too aggressive and eager), while also being too paranoid and acting too sensitive as a result (picking fights, giving him the silent treatment, refusing to communicate your needs and expecting that he read your mind, etc.) This “one foot on the brakes and one on the gas” dynamic has the same effect on a relationship as it does on a vehicle– no movement. If anything the relationship or the car breaks down.
When you have boundaries, you are in CRISUE CONTROL. You are more kind, calm, loving and sweet. You know when enough is enough and you trust that you will actually do something about a bad situation instead of just complain.
When you trust yourself to do something proactive and self-loving during a bad situation, you can more easily exist in the moment. You’ll know deep down that if something goes wrong, you will have the self-disapline and self-love to do what you have to to take care of yourself. This relieves the Anxiety Centers in your brain.
Personal Boundaries Increase Your Price Tag
Ever heard a man explain how a woman becomes more “valuable” in his eyes if she doesn’t sleep with him too soon? This is because men like to hunt. Men like to feel like a woman values herself enough to not “give the milk without buying the cow first”.
Boundaries exist to protect your feelings and when you stick to your boundaries, you are indirectly telling a man, “Hey, I care about my feelings and I don’t want to hurt like this.” This shows him that you love yourself. And know why this is important to him? Because men believe that the way you love yourself is an indicator of how well you will love them.
If you don’t take proper care of yourself, a man thinks “Well, she probably won’t take proper care of me (and our relationship) either.” See, we women can put a man’s happiness in front of our happiness, but a man doesn’t usually do this. It’s a biological gender thing. So, he doesn’t understand how you, as a woman, might put him first over yourself and be a good wife even if you aren’t kind to your own soul and body. He just assumes that you will treat him like you do yourself. For this reason, you have to stick to your boundaries and show him that you respect yourself.
If you want to learn how to implement boundaries (hey, it’s easy to have them and tough to stick to them), take a look at my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. It’s all about increasing your price tag and feeling better about yourself in the process. Being an enchantress is all about self-worth and removing those emotional walls!
Love Advice: What Are Personal Boundaries?
One of my VIP clients just asked me to further explain what I mean by having personal boundaries with a man.
Her question inspired me to clarify my definition of personal boundaries to help other women who may not understand my usage of this term.
Personal boundaries are the lines a person draws in the sand surrounding a relationship. They are protective limitations you put around the connection you share with a man in order to stay happy and confident as an individual and not lose yourself in that partnership.
Personal boundaries are usually defined once you hit your threshold of pain and suffering with a man. It’s through experience that we learn what we want and absolutely don’t want in a relationship. Of course, it’s always best to not get to that point, but sometimes we have to live it out to know better.
The important thing, the thing that separates a smart woman from a doormat, is to not make the same mistakes over and over with men and to instead implement personal boundaries in that relationship.
The First Step Toward Implementing Boundaries In a Relationship: Stop Looking The Other Way
Sometimes we remain quiet too long with a man who repeatedly disappoints us. Because we fear upsetting him, we stay mum and try to tolerate as much pain as we can.
We make excuses for him in our minds. We have selective memories, and we keep forgetting how much pain the relationship causes us. We choose to only focus on the tiny windows of joy that his love provides us once in blue moon.
When you stay silent and make excuses for him, you’re slowly deciding to not listen to your soul. That tiny voice in your head that tells you to love yourself more than any man must be heard. If you choose to ignore this voice, you’ll stop standing up for yourself. The voice will totally diminish the longer you grin and bear it. At that point, you lose yourself and your sense of self worth.
Listen To Your Feelings
The best way to implement a personal boundary is to state your feelings aloud as often as possible. If you find yourself getting anxious, paranoid, angry, sad… whatever emotion that comes over you, simply say it out loud, “I feel _____ right now.”
The reason you do this is to honor your self-loving side by respecting your emotions. Our emotions exist as alarm bells to tell us when something is effecting our self-esteem. Lots of times when we feel upset in a relationship, it’s because something has been done to us that we don’t like. It could be a small rejection, but it still feels awful. You have to tell a man when he makes you feel crippled inside.
Once you speak your feelings out loud more often, you will establish a better relationship with yourself where you stop pushing down feelings and start taking care of your soul. Your confidence will upsurge and the relationship will feel immediately feel better.
Say Your Boundaries Aloud
After you state your feelings, you ALSO say that you don’t want to feel that way, “I feel sad. I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t want to date a guy who ignores my calls.”
This “don’t want” statement is your boundary. Maybe he’ll change his ways, maybe not, but the important thing is that you stated your boundary aloud. Your declaration in that moment was you putting up a boundary.
Eventually over time, your confidence will grow the more you state your boundaries aloud. If he’s a good man, he will work hard to honor your boundaries and the love will remain. But no matter how he reacts, you have a duty to your soul to strive to not feel powerless to love, but invigorated by it. When you ignore boundaries, you become powerless to a man and your self-worth wilts.
Personal Boundaries Are Also About Not Letting Something Fester
Boundaries should be put in place surrounding your thoughts. If you find yourself too obsessed with a man, thinking about him too much and pushing yourself into a spiral of victimizing thoughts, you have to put up a boundary around how long you will let yourself suffer (and too what degree) over an issue.
At some point you have to take a breath and force yourself to do something positive and uplifting for your soul. You have to break the the hold he has over your thoughts and emotions. The more hold he has, the more power he has to destroy you. Don’t let that happen.
Personal Boundaries Should Be About Your Actions
So a man’s behavior upsets you. You put up a boundary by saying, “I feel upset.” And then you take it further by saying, “I don’t want to feel this bad in a relationship!” Hopefully he will respect your words and apologize. If he does nothing to fix the situation, it’s up to you to take care of yourself.
You can break up with him, leave the room, take some time to recoup from the pain, etc. The point is you avoid getting wrapped up in wanting and needing him to do anything or say anything. It’s not about him. It’s about you and taking care of yourself.
Boundaries can be about no longer catering to him, giving him things, etc. You have to protect yourself and not keep setting yourself up to get hurt. It’s not about punishing him or threatening him—it’s not about him at all. It’s just about you keeping and maintaining your confidence and sense of self.
Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You (my ebook for women who want to enchant men)
Remove Emotional Walls & Put Up Personal Boundaries
In relationships, we usually have too many emotional walls instead of having healthy personal boundaries.
It’s not easy to get close to a man. It’s scary and it puts us at risk of abandonment and rejection. However, not risking these things can leave us unfulfilled and hungry for affection and emotional connection.
So what do you do to pull down emotional walls and risk vulnerability with men?
Well, you start by having personal boundaries and that is a heck of a lot easier done than said. There are so many people in our lives whom preach about sticking up for yourself and not accepting crap from a man, as if changing men was as easy as changing your underwear. It’s hard when you are emotionally connected to someone to stick up for your needs and risk losing that person. And it’s really hard to say goodbye even when you know you should.
The key to having personal boundaries is to not ignore the early warning signs before its too late and your heart’s involved. I would bet to say that every single woman who has gotten herself in a pickle with a bad guy knew early on that he was bad news. I hear the same story over and over from women about how a guy was so wonderful and invested and then turned around and became disenchanted. And though I’m not saying that a good guy can’t become disinterested (because they can and do),I always know when a woman is lying to herself about never having seen the warning signs.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: More Romance, Please! The Way To Get Him To Be Romantic
Even if a guy is a sweetheart to you during the first weeks/months of your dating relationship, look at the rest of his life. Look at his track record with women and the way he treats the people he loves. There are always signs. Now, no man is perfect, of course, and you have to settle in some departments, but emotionally unavailable or emotionally guarded men should be a no-go. And these men are easy to spot off-the-bat; they give you a gut feeling of insecurity and that feeling never stays at bay for long.
If You Have Been With Him A While
If you have a hard time putting up boundaries around a relationship because you have so much invested in the man, start simple and small. Start slowly taking your life back. Start spending less and less time with him and more and more time with yourself. Start doing things that feel good and try to stop engaging in drama.
So… your guy cheats. It upsets you and you often fight about it. You sneak around behind his back and check his emails, you ‘google’ the women’s names, you complain to anyone who will still listen, you choose to ignore it for a while and then find out more and feel betrayed all over again. You basically expend a lot of energy on trying to combat his infidelity.
Well, what if you could do less of this and just say “f*ck it and his cheating ways? What if every time you had that jealous, angry, betrayed, heartbroken feeling, you just let the feeling wash over you? What if you just breathed, cried, beat a pillow (whatever you have to do to get it out) and stopped yourself from acting on these feelings? And what if, when the feelings subsided a bit, you could redirect that energy and turn it into passion for something else? Maybe went to get a massage or read a book. Maybe worked on a project or picked up a new hobby.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: How To Mesmerize Men Using Your Feminine Power [VIDEO]
The point is not to force yourself to do something else and not to busy yourself with other things to the point of brushing feelings under the rug, but instead to feel everything and do nothing about those feelings (no engaging him in arguments, talks, pleas, no engaging loved ones in endless venting sessions and no engaging yourself in finding out more about what he’s up to).
If you do this, slowly over time what will happen is that you will be better able to see the relationship for what it is—not something that adds to your life the way it is. If in that time, your man wants to be more available to you and accountable to the relationship, then see where that takes you both, but the important thing is not to get caught up in trying to change him. You can’t. It’s impossible to make someone change. You can only inspire him to want to change and that involves having personal boundaries and less drama.
Breaking Down Emotional Walls
Emotional walls get built brick-by-brick when we feel vulnerable inside. When we feel at risk for danger, our hearts have to go into hiding. Emotional walls make love impossible and as long as you have them, you will attract the wrong men and push the right men away.
Emotional walls are funny in that they actually make you more sensitive. You read into everything, assume the worst and/or shut yourself down at the slightest provocation. Emotional walls make you a victim and the surprising thing is that a lot of women are very cozy-comfortable being victims.
Yep. Lots of women don’t know what else to be but victims. There’s actually power in being a victim. You have the power of unaccountability. As a victim you are always right—he did it to me, I am so susceptible to bad guys, I never have luck with relationships, I tried so hard and for nothing, I suffer and suffer and all I do be the good wife who doesn’t deserve this… You’re never at fault as the victim and therefore, you never have to do anything to change your ways. You can go on making bad choices and blaming others for your pain—the saying “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” doesn’t apply to you.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: Showing Affection Won’t Bring Him Back
The problem with being a victim is that you will always have pain. Your life will revolve around your pain and you will become so attached to your pain, you won’t know who you are without it. Sound dramatic? It’s actually tragic but it’s a very real and scary reality for a lot of people.
Don’t Victimize Yourself. Take Care Of #1
A healthy person experiences pain, an unhealthy victim, with too many emotional walls, LIVES pain. The only way to get out of this cycle is to start finding ways to stop feeling pain and start feeling good about yourself and your choices. That’s where the personal boundaries come in. Once you start having boundaries you stop accepting pain and start making choices against it.
If you think you are suffering from an inability to share yourself with men, stop concentrating on men altogether and start concentrating on yourself. Start with your feelings and finding your emotional, mental and physical needs in life. Do what you can to self-provide your needs without the assistance of men.
Then, before you get too comfortable being too independent, start taking baby steps back toward your relationship or the dating world. Every time you find yourself marinating in the pain, stop yourself and go back to taking care of you. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable being vulnerable with men and knowing the difference between feeling like a duck out of water when expressing vulnerability with a man and feeling bad with a man. One will feel new, awkward and will provoke anxiety. The other will feel familiar and provoke obsessing thoughts and extreme levels of emotional response.
Dating Advice For Women: What Do Men Look For In A Wife?
Asking the question, what do men look for in a wife is like asking what do people look for in a family pet. Men have different tastes and different ideas of what defines a partnership. Just like how some families prefer a low-maintenance goldfish over a high-maintenance Daschund —one man’s dream gal could be another man’s nightmare date.
What Do Men Look For In A Wife? Calm.
Regardless of the various tastes in women out there, the two things I do think most men look for in a wife are consistency and serenity. Most men tire quickly of women who are moody and overemotional. Think about your own perferences in relationships? Don’t you enjoy the company of friends who put you at ease and are easy to be with?
So what stops a woman from exhibiting consistently serene emotions and a calm vibe?… Answer– Investing too much time and energy in things you can’t control and things that are negative.
Pacify Your Anxiety, Embrace Goddess Energy & Surrender
You can’t control a man’s behavior and his feelings. You can’t control the fact that you don’t know what he’s really thinking. You can ask him but at a certain point you have to stop prying/assuming and surrender control over managing him and the relationship.
You CAN control your behavior and you can share your feelings and needs. You can communicate honestly and directly with a man and you can make the decision not to pursue a relationship that doesn’t work for you.
Take A Moment NOW To Surrender…
Close your eyes and take a deep breath. When you release your breath, allow your need to control to leave your body with the air. Repeat to yourself that you don’t have power over any one man’s will and feelings and that you have to respect the wishes and needs of every man.
Tell yourself over and over that what a man looks for in a wife is less important that the question, what do I look for in a husband? Remind yourself that you have the power to choose, instead of thinking that a certain man is your only option.
Make a promise to yourself that you will prioritize SELF-LOVE– that you will worry less about a man’s reasons and more about your choices. Tell yourself that you will express your feelings to men instead of waste time and energy asking friends what they think men are thinking. Tell yourself that you will make the decision to believe what men tell you and not have blind faith that they love you when they say they aren’t interested.
Dating Advice For Women: Don’t Listen To Pheromones!
What do men look for in a wife? Someone who knows her personal boundaries and treats men how she wants to treat them instead of how she thinks she has to treat them to keep their interest.
Don’t get caught up in forcing love with some guy you’d rate a 10. A guy is a 10 when he treats you like a 12!
When you aren’t crazy about a guy, it’s easy to be yourself and demand that he honor your inner goddess. That confidence should exist no matter who the guy is and what he looks like. Even if he seems like the man who was put on Earth just for you by God, don’t start wearing the “soulmate crown” before he bestows it on you.
Make a promise to date a few guys at once and to treat the hotties and the “meh”s the same. Focus on believing in your desirability and not on proving yourself to any man. Have faith that you are enough without having to do anything to make a man compelled to want you.
If you feel stressed out because of a man and are wondering to yourself– what do men look for in a wife– check out my eBook Red Rose Woman to help liberate you from your worries! In the book, I will share my 27 Enchantress Secrets with you and help you embrace your inner goddess! The book’s dating advice for women is all about empowerment and self-love. It’s all about acting like the woman in the relationship and allowing men to woo and pursue you. It’s also about knowing when to say; “This men is dwindling my Fire and I deserve more!”
Goddess Love Help: He Wants Space? Now What?
He Wants Space & You Want Him! Time To Breathe & Tell Him How You Feel Before He Takes His Time Away!
If a man has recently told you that he wants space from you and the relationship, I know how you feel. I’ve been in a few dating relationships with men who have taken space. Sometimes it seems like a man is 100% devoted to dating you and then, all of a sudden, out of the blue (without any real relationship problems), he wants space. I was heartbroken and shocked each time this happened to me.
Now it’s time for you to follow my love help advice and soothe your heartache and worries. It’s time for you to reclaim your life and find your grounding so that you don’t reach out to him and you don’t fall into a well of darkness and low self-esteem like I did countless times before in my past.
What To Tell Him When He Wants Space
When he wants space, you have to give him space. You have to respect his wishes and his needs. It doesn’t mean you have to like that he wants space.
So, how do you respect his desire for distance while still being honest about your feelings? It’s simple. You tell him how you feel.
Do you feel worried that he’ll never come back? Tell him. Do you feel angry that he “slapped” you with this from what seems like left field? Tell him. Do you doubt whether you want to stay with him if he does come back? Tell him. Are you worried that you did something wrong that caused him to claim he wants space? Tell him.
Tell him everything you feel—all of it is safe to say; he won’t run further away. The key is in the DELIVERY. It’s all about the VIBE you have when you speak with him and in the SPECIFIC WORDS you choose when speaking to him.
My Love Help To You: Focus On Your Vibe
When you talk to him after he wants space, you have to have grounded energy. You have to resist the urge to pull him toward you. Practice planting your feet in the ground and imagining that there are roots coming out of the earth, climbing up your legs.
Imagine that these roots are filled with loving, soothing, calming and comforting “soul food” that nurture you as if you are part of the plant. So every time you feel the inclination to beg him, plead to him, cry to him, or even to shut down and wall off—I want you to use this dating advice for women VISUAL to help you stay openhearted and still in one place. Make it so that he can come and go and you aren’t going to interfere by chasing him or pushing him away.
It’s like raising a child. When you sit back and let the child come to you and tell the child that you are there for him when and if he needs you, he will come closer and closer. When you are an overbearing caretaker (or a neglecting one), the child develops an insecure attachment with you. He also can feel unsafe with you—that you are a burden to him emotionally because you are so overbearing.
Be the kind of mother who is available and “at peace” in her heart when you are talking with your man. Feel secure in your attachment to the earth so that you don’t fall victim to panicking about losing him.
The Specific Words You Use When Talking To Him
When you speak with him you have to not only stay grounded and unwavering in your ability to let him come and go without your interference, you also have to use words that he can hear—words that are effective at communicating your TRUTH.
Stick to talking about your feelings. You can talk about your feelings for him and your feelings surrounding the fact that he wants space. You should avoid blame and any words that negate his need for space.
Do say things like:
I love you and I’m sorry if I hurt you.
I appreciate our relationship and I do care about your feelings.
I will miss you during this time but I want to respect your wishes.
Right now I am angry, confused, sad, pissed, going crazy inside, etc.
I don’t know if I can wait for you but I think I’ll try.
I am scared that you are going to leave for good but I will be okay no matter what.
Don’t say things like:
You can’t do this to me!
Fine! Well then, I don’t want to be with you anymore! (when you do)
You are an a**hole, a commitment phobic jerk, an emotionally unavailable piece of ****, etc.
I won’t be okay if you leave me.
Once He’s Taken Space, You Have To Back Off
When he wants space, it’s time for you to refocus your energy on the parts of your life that have been neglected because of this dating relationship. What are you passions outside of him? Who are your friends and family members whom you haven’t seen in a while?
Dust off all the part of you that have been set aside because of the relationship.
Take Gentle Care Of Number #1– YOU
Do the very best to take care of yourself at this time. Take one day at a time and be very tender, loving, easy and forgiving with yourself.
Try to see his space as a time to self-reflect. What are the issues that you bring to a relationship that need some altering:
Are you too needy?
Do you commit yourself to guys too soon?
Do you pick the wrong guys?
Are you susceptible to being treated like a doormat?
Do you struggle with sticking up for yourself with men?
Do you have issues with knowing your personal boundaries?
Are you unable to be receptive and available when a man is emotionally available?
Are you brimming with uncontained, hostile emotion that is scary for a man?
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Like I said—be gentle with yourself when he wants space. However, take the focus off wondering and worrying about him and about how he reacted to you and how he might need something else than what you offer, and instead ask yourself if you are happy with the way you’ve acted in the relationship.
So when asking yourself if you are too needy or too nice, don’t think about it from his point of view and what you think are his preferences. Think about it from your perspective. Think about whether you would date you.
Don’t Allow Yourself To Be A Victim When He Wants Space
If you feel like his need for space is triggering some abandonment issues inside you, it’s time to face those issues. Telling yourself things like; “I can’t live without him” and “I feel like I’m worthless now that he’s left” are somewhat normal feelings but too much of that thinking is very unhealthy!
Sometimes when he wants space, we start to romanticize the relationship and our feelings for him grow and grow the more he hurts us and ignores us. Be sure not to start marinating in the pain of his unavailability. Make sure not to be giving him more love and attention (even if it’s just in your mind) when he is distant than when he is available.
Some women have issues with this. They actually only get really “hooked” on the guy when he is pulling back. If you notice that you are giving far more attention to a man when he is drifting away from you than when he is available and eager to show you love and affection, you have to face the fact that you may have issues with intimacy.
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You to read about my Enchantress Secrets. These secrets are like “goddess love help” rules to follow with men that will not only keep you feeling empowered, grounded and armed with the right words to affect him, they will also get you the kind of guy who deserves you, faces the music with solid communication and doesn’t just say he wants space when it’s probably not warranted.
Empowered Dating Tips For Women
When I was single and “out there,” I knew NOTHING about empowered dating advice for women.
I was weak in my heart and outwardly mean toward men—I thought that good dating tips for women were to be a bitchy diva or act uninterested, even if you were terrified inside that one would walk all over you.
Of course, most of them ended up doing just that– realizing that my diva attitude was just a front, a “beware of dog sign” that hung on the gates of a pet-free home!
The truth was that I was totally alone in a crazy, scary world. I felt like I didn’t have a partner to help me through my problems and listen to my concerns and fears. It didn’t help that I was also recently divorced– coming out of a marriage is harder than losing a boyfriend who never lived life “with” you.
I wanted nothing more than to just find a mate and feel cozy, safe and warm in a loving relationship filled with laughter, smiles and supportive tears. That deep desire, mixed with all that loneliness and fear, stopped me from allowing a man inside. It didn’t stop me from dating and getting out there, looking, looking, searching, scouring… but it did stop me from feeling open for love.
Does this sound familiar? Are you putting yourself out there by getting online, going to bars, going anywhere where there are men, while also feeling like your fears and your deep need for a partner are making you brittle and walled off to these men that you hunt down? If so, let’s talk about Empowered Dating tips for women!
Empowered Dating Tips For Women #1: Drop The Swag Seeking
So you want to find this yummy man to make a cozy nest with—well, let’s talk about how to get there. Firstly, what are you looking for in a man? Are you seeking out a man who WANTS to nest? Are you seeking out a man who is emotionally, spiritual and even somewhat financially CAPABLE of nesting?
If you want a cozy family life, ditch the swag. I can’t tell you how many women come to me, asking, “Where are all these emotionally available men you talk about?” I always say the same thing. They are everywhere, you’ve just been burning all your energy on swagger guys who you knew months, even years ago, weren’t good for you!!
Don’t waste energy, time, heartache on limited men and then feel down on yourself—Why am I alone? Why don’t I have a man who loves me?
Emotionally available and commitment-friendly men are all around you and women are getting married to them everyday! Yes, the divorce rate is nearly 50% for women under 35; however, if you look at that from a positive angle, it means that there are millions of men who are getting married and staying married.
Most women will change their entire love lives by making one shift; when you stop trying to change the guys that don’t naturally fit the nesting mold, everything else falls into place. When you stop trying to convert men—arguing with them, staying silent hoping they will change, making plans for a life with a guy who isn’t showing you that he’s ready; looking for looks and status over security and loyalty—that’s when you make yourself available for the good guys.
Next time you meet a guy who seems like he’s not ready to pair up with a woman—walk away. Just start walking away at the first sign. Date one, date two, five, seven…
When he says, “I don’t know what I want or when I’ll want it,” go– without fear, without resentment, without judgment, just “Goodbye” with a polite smile.
No talking with friends about it, no going online to find solutions to fixing him, etc. I call it Unplugging. Just unplug from him—physically not seeing him, talking to him, talking about him, getting angry, hurt, etc. Just dropping him and all the drama, emotion surrounding him and saying, “Next!” Just kill him off in your head.
***If you’ve been with him for more than 6 months, it’s going to be harder. It’s going to be a challenge to walk and I understand that. Don’t think that when I tell you to unplug, that I think changing men is as easy as changing underwear. I just want women to not get their hearts involved with a limited man when they know the guy is limited. If you’re already in love, take the unplugging slowly—more like a gentle untangling—but don’t let it happen to you again!
Empowered Dating Tip #2: ‘Fondue’ Yourself!
Remember when I said that I was walled off to men when I was dating? It’s important that you don’t make men think that you are unapproachable or stony.
If you want to make a cozy, loving, silly, fun and inspiring nest with a man, you have to show him from the jump that you are open to that. How is he to assume that your emotional walls are going to crumble when you get to know him better? He’s not. He’s going to think that you are just a cold, walled-off person.
The only man who will take stony on is a limited man. An emotionally available man won’t go for the walled-up thing—he’s looking for a warm, sweet, loving, tender, grounded woman who will be his yummy nesting partner!
So how do you stop feeling so brittle and walled off? You have to create a life that feels good and yummy and nest-like without a man. That way, you will feel good about yourself and the spiritual, softer side of your life no matter what blows through the door. You won’t have so much on the line and therefore you will have more boundaries and will be willing to open up a little bit.
Lots of times when we get brittle or cold, it’s because we are sooo sensitive and vulnerable right under the surface and we try to guard and protect ourselves from more pain and hurt.
When you are loving the tender side of life with good, friends; a happy, tidy house with flowers in every room and clean, healthy food on the table; a job that doesn’t kill your spirit; time for silence via meditation or just walks in nature; a hobby that makes you smile; and a self-image that makes you feel warm and toasty in your body; a desire for intimacy with a man, not some status symbol partner—that’s when you will melt around men.
That’s when you will enjoy them, like they are frosting on your fabulous life-cake; instead of resent them for having so much power over you. That’s when you “fondue” yourself—that’s what I call it when you just relax and feel inviting, soft, velvety and sexy around a man.
Empowered Dating Tip #3: Find Your Inner LOVE For Men
Yes, some men are assholes (Assclowns as the wonderful Natalie Lue of BaggageReclaim.com puts it); however, some men are amazing. Some are nice and sweet and gentlemanly.
Men are just as scared of women as women are of men. They don’t understand us, either. They don’t know why we get angry, sad, needy, fickle… how we can cry at the drop of a hat. They say that they hate our emotions, but they don’t. They LOVE our emotions. They are just afraid of them. They are afraid of hurting us and making us emotional. They are afraid that they won’t know what to say when we cry and try to lean on their shoulder. And many of them have bad experiences with the emotions of women.
Understand their fear. Don’t get mad at them for it. Don’t buy into a man’s grumpy, grouchy words about women and our “mystery based on irrationality.” Don’t let their fear shut you down or make you hide your feelings or think that you have to come across as some emotionless “equal” to them.
In fact, let it do the opposite. Be the woman who “owns” all her feelings and shows men how to get in touch with their own sensitivity and vulnerability. Show men that feminine energy is equal to masculine energy, but the power it holds is different. Show men that femininity is safe and florid and hassle-free.
Empowered Dating Tip #4: Be Transparent!
When I tell you to be yourself with a man, I don’t mean for you to be a bitch or a loud-mouthed tough cookie who is going to “say it like it is and f**k what others say!” That’s not you—that’s fear trying to disguise itself as sass.
What I mean is to always let your inner world match your outer world in a mindful and feminine way: be transparent! Don’t hide your thoughts and feelings. Speak up and speak clearly. If you are sad, angry, and anxious—share those feelings.
Don’t do it in a masculine way—by that I mean don’t try to solve your feelings or analyze them. Just share them.
When you can let your inner world flow out like beautiful, glowing, molten lava, you have a hypnotic effect on a man. He thinks, “Who is this woman who is so open and in touch with her soft side and her dark side. She is a mystery, an enigma, a beautiful symbol of life being lived at it’s fullest.”
When you share without getting dramatic and overemotional to the point of not being about to control what you say and how it’s said, he can come closer and closer because you aren’t the scary emotional women of his past!
Hold tight for more Empowered Dating tips. Until then, remember to look for available men simply by ignoring the unavailable ones; make a nest for yourself without him and you will feel more comfortable and feminine around men; find a way to love men and not let them ruffle your feathers and most importantly, be transparent (your insides and outsides are the same.)
My eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You is a dating tips for women guidebook that’s all about finding your Female Fire and making that nest for yourself without a man. It’s also enchantress LOVE HELP, showing you how to act with men so that you immediately pull the good men toward you and “fall away” from the emotionally unavailable men!
How To Prevent Him From Losing Interest
Was he “all about you” in the beginning of the relationship and now acts like you’re the thing that ate his life? Has he stopped calling? Does he seems irritated when he does spend time when you?
If you are going through a role-reversal, where you have become the pursuer and the one who fights for the relationship, I know how hard that can be and I’m so sorry!
I dated a couple of guys that came onto me like gangbusters in the early stages of knowing me. They chased me, wooed me and practically begged me to give them the exclusivity and commitment. However, things changed once I let my guard down and fell in love with these men.
Soon I was treated like a pariah. They would take hours to return my calls and I always felt like they took me out on a date (or came over for a booty call) when there wasn’t anything else to do. That’s how I felt—like being with me with something to do to blow the time.
Instead of leaving these guys and getting back out there on the dating scene, I stuck around. I tried to work hard to impress these guys and show them that I was worth their hearts.
Read More Relationship Advice From Connect With His Heart: How To Be Confident With Guys!
Maybe you can relate to my history with these men? Do you feel like you have a pattern of turning guys off of you? If so, first let me say that it’s probably as much the type of guy you pick, as it is your behavior in a relationship. In fact, it may be just the guys you pick. However, to help you feel better about getting close to a new guy, here are some tips to prevent him from losing interesting in you:
Don’t Push Him Away Or Pull Him Closer
When you getting to know a guy, it’s best to let him come toward you. Think of him as the one who “moves.” He may move toward you or away from you at times, and I’m asking that you stay still. I call it “sitting on your hands.” When you can be still and remain open-hearted with welcoming energy, you appear confident.
As you get closer to a man, there are going to be times where he will pull back for a bit. Maybe he needs to recoup or make decisions about the relationship. This is natural. It’s important that you don’t punish him for this behavior. Instead of pulling back too, just remain on your hands. When he comes back to you, don’t make him pay for taking space. Be honest about how it made you feel, but stay grounded and let him come toward you again.
Just like it’s important not to push a man away as you get close to him, it’s important not to pull him toward you either. Don’t chase men and don’t try to transform yourself into the type of woman he wants you to be. If you feel the urge to impress him, please him, cater to him, stop yourself and breath. Don’t let you fear of being rejected by him take away your power. Stay sitting on your hands.
Read More Relationship Advice From Connect With His Heart: What Exactly Are Personal Boundaries In A Relationship?
Prevent Him From Losing Interest By Owning Your Emotions
Too many women think that that owning their emotions means shoving them down and not letting a man see the anger, sadness and fear. They try to be perfectly happy and practical girlfriends. So many women buy that lie that love gurus are telling women to follow that preaches that men like rational, practical women who think and act like men.
Men don’t want women who happen to have vaginas. They want that feminine energy to balance their masculine energy. Feminine energy isn’t about pretending to be practical and emotionless. It’s about expressing emotion.
When you “own” your emotions, you express them in a healthy way. Healthy emotional expression in a relationship is all about being honest and open without being overbearing and overwhelming.
When you can admit that you are sad, angry, worried, etc. with the same openness and confidence as you would have when expressing your happiness, you own your feelings. Men are attracted to this quality in a mate. It makes you interesting, fascinating and exciting to be with. It also makes you SAFE to be with, because you are an open book and that creates emotional security for a man.
Step Into Your Sensuality
It’s hard to feel sexy when you don’t believe you are; however, any woman, regardless of her self-image, can feel sensual. Sensuality is all about living in your senses and feeling alive in your body.
Read More Relationship Advice From Connect With His Heart: Are You A Pleaser To Men?
Men respond to sensuality because it makes them feel their own aliveness. This equals hot! for a guy. Ever hear about men leaving their sweet, polite wives because they’ve lost attraction? A lot of the time, this is related to him not feeling his own aliveness through the relationship.
A man will quickly slip away from a woman who is a walking head. You have to be alive in your body: exercise and indulge your senses with good music, healthy food and soft touches. Take long, hot baths or pay for a massage now and then. Find a way to melt stress and feel less tense in your body through meditation and a manageable workload. This will help him feel “soft and melty” when he’s with you and will prevent him from losing interest in you. He will never put you in the “friend zone” if you can “tenderize” him this way.
For tips on how to enchant men with confidence, calm and sensuality, check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. In its pages, I offer 27 enchantress secrets to magnetizing men and empowering your Female Fire for life in the process!
Slept With Him Too Soon? How To Make Him Fall In Love Anyway
If you want to make him fall in love, it’s best not to have slept with him too soon. It’s hard for a man to change his mind about your relationship if sex happens early on. If you’ve already rassled together, it’s best to be upfront and courageous about expressing your true needs. Read on…
Let me first say that I have no negative opinion whatsoever about women who sleep around. I make no judgments; I sometimes even WISH I could be more like a man and separate hot sex from emotional attachment. That would have made my single years a hell of a lot more fun. I do, however, want to make sure that women know what they REALLY want out from a man when they decide to jump under the sheets with him.
Yes, Men Can Fall In Love Even If You Slept Together Too Soon
Look, there are plenty of men who have no problem falling for a woman who gives it up right away. When you and a man have that instant “thunderbolt”, as the French call it, and the connection occurs right of the bat, he may be one of those guys who give two crappolas if you sleep together in the first days of knowing one another.
The problem is not that his opinion of you will change (which it could) if you sleep with him too soon, the problem is that YOUR needs could change. When you sleep with a man from the jump, please, please, please don’t have any expectations about that relationship. Don’t even assume that he will call you AND if he does call, please don’t assume that it’s for anything more than more hot sex. I’m not saying it won’t be, I’m just saying don’t expect anything.
Read More Love Advice From This Relationship Advice Blog: How To Be Confident With Men & Still Be Soft
What Do I Do Once I’ve Already Slept With Him Too Soon?
Okay, so you’re reading this and going, “Well, this isn’t helping me, Kristina, because I already gave the booty up and now I’m waiting by the phone with serious regret and desperation.”
The best advice I can give you is to be honest and direct and to immediately put up your personal boundaries.
I know that it may seem hard to tell a guy “no” after you’ve already told him “Yes. Yes YES. YES!!!!!”, but just because it seems strange to put up your boundaries now with him, it’s still the right choice. It’s also the most effective choice if you want to know if he has ANY intention of seriously dating you. Because, like I said, if you just stay mum and hope that he will “see the light”, you are going to be disappointed. It’s best you find out NOW if he REALLY likes you or if he just took that free milk!
WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL and tell him flat-out how you feel and what he’s to expect from you:
“I feel really uneasy. I like you and think you’re a great guy and after we slept together I realized that I don’t want to just have a sexual relationship with someone I like. I don’t want to end up hurt. I don’t know your intentions, but I just want to be honest and tell you this.”
And then shut up and hear him out. If he actually likes you (or is capable of having a real relationship with a woman who is emotionally available) then he will be relieved and tell you that he doesn’t intend to just use you for sex. He will express his desire to know you on a more serious level.
If you never hear from him again, just be happy that you didn’t waste your time.
And whatever you do, don’t keep repeating the same pattern. You aren’t going to find your husband and make him fall in love by ripping off your panties the first chance you get. Even if he still likes you after first -night sex, it will be a rare anomaly and will have had nothing to do with the fact that you gave it up right away. So why not wait a few dates (five is a good date number)!
Read More Love Advice On This Dating Advice Blog: Do You Have Too Much Masculine Energy With Men?
(If you have a hard time slowing things down with men and always seem to get drunk and/or give it up too fast on a date, it could be that you have a lot of anxiety about intimacy and getting close to someone. When we fear judgment and get anxious about the idea of really caring about someone who could deeply hurt our hearts, we sabotage things just to alleviate the anxiety. If you do this, please see a therapist. Intimacy issues are very curable and you don’t have to feel so afraid of closeness! I should know, I’ve been there.)
Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You is my empowering man-magnet ebook for women who want to enchant men effortlessly. It’s all about finding your Female Fire and being brave and amazing around men… while still being vulnerable, soft, tender and refreshingly honest. The book’s 27 enchantress secrets will show you how to communicate with men, be more sensual around men and how to know when to be giving with men and when to stop acting like a doormat!
How To Win A Man’s Heart Using ‘Emotion Seduction’
If you want to know how to win a man’s heart, you have to know how lead from your heart as a woman. What I call “emotion seduction” is the only way to truly capture his love and devotion for years to come.
In an emotion seduction you are seducing a man’s heart instead of his groin, which is the target area in a regular seduction. The game of emotion seduction is all about getting him to fall in love and be emotionally addicted to your heart and soul.
When you seduce a man’s emotions, you trigger something inside him that makes him feel like a small boy again. He feels his softer, more vulnerable side and you send him into a whirlwind of nerves and bliss. When you seduce a man’s emotions, he becomes so hooked on you, he can hardly breathe and thinks about you nonstop.
Emotion Seduction Vs. Sexual Seduction
There’s a big difference between emotion seduction and regular seduction, because seducing a man physically can definitely make him obsessed with you and emotionally charged with thoughts of wanting to ravish you and possess your body over and over again. A man who has been physically seduced is hungry for the power that wild, unbridled sex can offer him. He becomes addicted to his hard-on and how erect you can make him.
Read More Love Advice From Connect With His Heart: Remove Emotional Walls & Put Up Personal Boundaries
With emotion seduction, a man doesn’t feel a need to conquer a woman sexually or otherwise, he just wants to be close to her, make love to her, hold her and take care of her for a long time.
Emotion Seduction Involves Breaking Down His Emotional Walls
The further you can penetrate a man’s private side (his darkside), the more he will love you and the harder it will be to get you out of his mind. To do this you have to break down the emotional walls that he has put up to shield and bury his own vulnerability.
To reach a man’s vulnerability you have to take the time to really get to know him and you have to LET HIM SEE YOUR VULNERABILITY, too.
Being His Locket
When you gently coax a man to start sharing his life secrets with you, you have to be very tender and loving with such valuable knowledge. You have to make him feel like you’re holding his truths and secrets in a locket around your neck. You carry those revelations close to your heart and never throw them back in his face or use them to push him to reveal more. And you never share them with anyone—they stay locked away. This creates trust.
When a man starts opening up about his life and his guarded feelings, the best thing you can do is listen. Remember what he says and touch him to let him know that you are empathic and present with him in the moment. Ask him questions to provoke him to express himself further, but don’t be pushy and a Nosy Parker. There’s a difference between being curious and being a crowbar (prying out information). Sit back, invite him with your energy to tell his stories or to share his feelings and thoughts on something and be a container for him instead of a vacuum that wants to suck out his soul. The more you encourage without pushing, the faster he will open up.
Read More Love Advice From Connect With His Heart: How To Talk With Your Man & Get Him To Open Up To You
Opening Up To Him
The best way to accomplish a successful emotion seduction is to open your heart and soul to him like the petals of a rose opening for the morning sun. Don’t be afraid to tell him when he unnerves you or cry to him when you feel vulnerable. It’s okay to lean on his shoulder and ask him to hold you.
This whole thing modern women are doing where they say, “I’m a queen, not a princess. Don’t do for me; I can do for myself. I’m not weak and you don’t have to hold me!” is so self-righteous and a big turn-off to a man. There’s nothing wrong with feeling weak inside and trusting the one you love with soothing you and making you feel safe again in times of despair and worry.
How To Win A Man’s Heart: Be Like Julia Roberts
Emotion seduction is never more successful than when you tell a touching story from your childhood. If you can do so with humor and vulnerability, during a very intimate moment where you both are naked, he will fall in love. Remember the story Julia Roberts’ character tells in Pretty Woman about how she became a prostitute after being a bum magnet?
That story was so self-deprecating and exposed so much of Vivianne’s insecurities and weak life choices. And yet, the way she did it with a smile and with such love in her heart and a desire to be seen by Richard Gere, we fell in love with her and believed that such a powerful man could genuinely love a sidewalk hooker.
If you want to know how to win a man’s heart with emotion seduction you have to first be confident. By confidence I don’t mean you have to be perfect. People with false confidence are the ones who seem perfect and unfazed by things. True confidence simply comes from self-acceptance. When you accept that you are flawed, know and love your flaws, you can share them with a man and actually make him love you more for those flaws.
Read More Love Advice From Connect With His Heart: How To Get More Affection From Him
See, we fall in love, not with perfection, but with someone with whom we can identify. When you lead from your softness and show him your underbelly, he says to himself, “Wow. I can relate to her. She brings up feelings that I didn’t know I still had. Young feelings. Vulnerable feelings. She makes me feel like love is important and that I want to take care of her.” No hot beoyatch in a miniskirt with a PhD in fellatio can compete with that!
Although, don’t put away those mini-skirts either. He’s still a man for Christ’s sake.
Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You is my eBook that explains exactly how to open a man up and get him talking about himself in a way that will make him not know how to live without you! Enchanting a man is all about Emotion Seduction.