Goddess Love Help: Getting Grounded When He Pulls Back!
Goddess Love Help gets you feeling secure with yourself and your circumstances no matter what he’s doing!
So you’re dating a great guy and all of the sudden he needs space. Maybe his distancing feels out-of-the-blue, or maybe you’ve been sensing that he’s been slowly pulling back. What do you do? What do you say? The best goddess love help I can offer you is to stop worrying about what to do and what to say.
The more you chase him, strategize, stress and worry about his actions and his response, the more you are pushing him away.
Playing Hard To Get Doesn’t Work
First let me clarify that goddess love help NEVER involves playing games. Games don’t work. Games are useless because they don’t address the underlying issues that force you to play games in the first place.
When you play games (silent treatment, feigning indifference, going hot then cold, etc.) you gain a man’s attention; however, the reconnection is short lived. Usually he will just take space again after a few weeks or months, and you will be forced to play games again.
Playing games puts you on a disheartening hamster wheel; games don’t bring you and him closer (playing games actually does the opposite because games play off of a man’s abandonment issues); games destroy your self-esteem.
Your participating in games sends a direct message to the areas of your brain that manage your self-worth: “I have to pretend not to care about this man and manipulate his feelings because I am not loveable just as I am, when I am just being myself.”
And you are loveable just as you are! You become someone you aren’t when you try too hard with games and that’s not attractive.
Goddess Love Help Is All About Being One With The Universe
Buddhists believe in The Oneness: the theology that all living things are of the same thread of God—that the loving energy that has created you is the same that has created me and so on. We are all connected and that connection (that endless energy, like a thread) is God.
My goddess love help makes use of The Oneness.
Right now he is pulling back from you and you are panicking. You love him and don’t want to lose this amazing man. You’re playing every scenario over in your head, wondering where you went wrong—what you said or did to push him away.
But you will never know what you did wrong… or even if his distancing had anything to do with you at all. In fact, in many cases, a man’s emotional distancing has to do with his emotional unavailability more than it has to do with a woman’s behavior in the dating relationship.
So it’s best to stop analyzing and worrying about what you did wrong or what you can do to change things. It’s best to stop worrying about him as much as possible.
But how do you take the focus off him? You do it by embracing The Oneness and gathering strength, peace of mind and loving energy from the world around you.
Next time you feel compelled to reach out to him and fix the issues between you both, take a deep breath instead and allow the strength of The Oneness to soothe and replenish you:
Go fro a walk and take a look at the natural world around you: the rustling trees that have spread their roots over this earth for decades before you were born; the tiny roses that seduce bees, butterflies and hummingbirds with their potent fragrance; the little weeds that struggle to sprout between the wedges in the sidewalk…
Take energy from each of these things. Feel your heart expanding with love, life and perseverance. Feel your connection to these life systems and allow yourself to ‘just be’ as they are ‘just being’ in that moment:
The tiny roses don’t try and seduce the insects, they just do. They exist and naturally function as they were meant to function. You were meant to just be in the moment and live in that awareness without stress about the future or past. This is your way of seducing a man.
Getting Grounded—Avoiding Pulling Energy
The more you feel the power of The Oneness and the more you can ‘just be’ among the loving energy that is all around you, the less you will pull your man toward you.
See, he can feel your pulling energy. He can sense it even without being in your physical presence. It lingers in every text, email and phone call.
He has pulled away to get relief from this energy. It’s very smothering and he doesn’t have to the tools (a lot of men don’t) to help ease your distress that is causing your pulling energy.
This doesn’t mean that you have pushed him away—he could be so sensitive to a woman’s emotional needs that the slightest pulling energy on a woman’s part scares him. This kind of man is called emotionally unavailable and there is nothing you can do to change him from being this way.
Some men are not emotionally unavailable, they just don’t know how to process and deal with a woman’s pulling energy. They run away (temporarily or permanently) instead of communicating what they think and need.
Nourish Your Heart With The Universe Instead Of Through Him
Finding your grounding and feeding off the energy of the universe takes the burden off him. He stops feeling like you are dragging him down (pulling him under) with needs and demands.
When you can BOUNCE BACK from a fight… when you can stop sweating the small stuff… when you can remove yourself from the drama of the relationship and find your way back to a loving, peaceful heart… when you can surrender and not try and control his thoughts and feelings… that’s when you will find true love.
That’s when the question becomes—Is HE mature enough for MY emotional maturity and newfound ability to love and share intimacy? And if the answer is ‘no’, you will let him go as easily as you would a leaf into a river.
Check out my Love Advice Newsletter and transform your life and the way you think about love. It’ll show you the significance of SURRENDER and ‘going with the flow’. It will also give you the self-esteem to NATURALLY seek out great men.
When He Needs Space, Here’s What You Do…
Has your man come to you and told you that he need space from your relationship to think about things? Here’s what you do…
The words “I need space” are dreaded by lovers and partners everywhere and can leave you feeling confused, panicked, and rejected, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can actually be an opportunity to bring you both closer together.
Most of us already know that men are from Mars and that translates to them needing time by themselves to investigate and figure out their feelings and thoughts. However, when he says he needs his alone time, there are still things you can do that will help sway his decision in your favor.
Here’s the deal. When a man takes space, there are two things usually happening inside him:
- There are aspects of the relationship and/or his life that are making him doubt whether he wants to stay involved with you.
- There are aspects about you that he loves enough to make him say he needs space instead of “Goodbye.”
Number two is what you need to bank on when he says he needs space, while practicing the following technique. It’s called the Love Him, Letter Him, Let Him Go technique.
See, there are things you can do to leave an impression in his head that he won’t quickly forget.
Step One of the Technique: Get a handle on your feelings.
When you are used to spending a lot of time with a man and feel extremely emotionally connected to him, and then he tells you he wants distance, myriad uncontrollable emotions can UNLEASH inside you. You can feel panic and extreme anxiety. You can feel deep sadness and strong anger. All these feelings are valid and healthy reactions to a loved one pulling back.
However, YOU MUST love him and honor his need for space, too. And this is really hard to do when your feelings are so strong that you don’t know how to get them in check.
Read More From This Log Advice Blog: How To Connect With An Emotionally Unavailable Man
You want to beg him, question him, continue to call him. You want to maybe scream at him or cry fat tears of desperation and confusion while asking him, “Why?” over the phone. If you’re like me, you’ll want to drive to his house in the middle of the night in a state of sheer panic. Basically, you might feel tempted to act in ways that you are not proud of.
This is normal for a woman who is in touch with her feelings and in love with a man. It is normal to feel like you are fighting for your life and being ripped from someone very important to your existence. So, don’t judge yourself for your feelings, thoughts, and actions when a man pulls back.
But let’s talk about how to get these feelings and thoughts and actions in check, so that you can make a man feel like you care about HIS NEEDS and HIS WISHES and are not just in survival mode, ready to fight tooth and nail for the love you want, regardless of how HE FEELS.
To get a handle on your feelings, you first have to give yourself permission to release your feelings. You have to let yourself cry and scream as much as you need to. You have to have a space in your house where you go and just allow yourself to feel everything. For me, it’s my bathtub. Know yours and go there!
Once your negative fear-based feelings are out in the open, I ask that you informally meditate.
Light candles, take a shower beforehand, and put a soothing CD on the stereo.
Take deep breaths and go inside yourself, taking inventory of your body.
Try to stretch and loosen up tense areas. Once you feel like your body is responding to your attention and movements to ease it, I want you to concentrate on your heart.
Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog: If He Feels Smothered, Showing Him Affection Won’t Bring Him Back
Imagine your heart glowing with a bright, powerful EMERALD GREEN LIGHT.
Imagine this light expanding to envelop your whole body, encasing your whole being in a bubble of all-loving, all-trusting, healing, positive emerald love light.
Let this powerful, sparkling, dense light soothe you and hold you. Imagine you are being held by God or by your mother in this green light.
Allow it to comfort you and caress you. Allow it to SOOTHE your thoughts and feelings.
Once you feel calmer and more at peace, you can do step two of the technique.
Step Two of the Technique: Begin thinking lovingly and positively about your man.
Think about his face, his smell, his house, his car, his laugh, etc. Think about all the things that define him and make you love him.
Feel your heart warm over with love for him and deep CARE for him as a person.
Then open your eyes.
Go get a piece of paper, and with loving feelings flowing through your heart, make two lists:
1. A list of all the things you love about him.
2. Another list of all the things you think he loves about you.
Take a look at those lists and circle three things on each list that you feel are the most important things you two love about each other.
Now, you are going to do the third step in the technique.
Step Three of the Technique: Send him an email or write him a letter!
In this email or letter, you are going to mention:
1. The three things you love about him.
2. THREE memories that correlate to the three things you know he loves about you.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women Here: How To Be Confident With Men
In this email or letter, you are also going to do the following:
1. Tell him you respect his need for space and will honor it.
2. Mention your feelings about his request for space.
3. Tell him that you care enough about your relationship to wait for him as long as you can wait.
4. Tell him you will honor and respect any decision he makes.
5. Reassure him that you will be okay no matter what.
You aren’t going to have any PULLING energy in the email.
What does this mean?
You aren’t going to tell him anything that makes him feel smothered, controlled, guilty, or fearful of losing you. DON’T WRITE ANYTHING THAT’S ABOUT PULLING HIM BACK TO YOU INSTEAD OF SURRENDERING TO HIS NEED FOR SPACE.
- You aren’t going to threaten to not be there when he gets back.
- You aren’t going to tell him how you are not eating and how you cry on the floor of the shower for hours.
- You aren’t going to tell him you want to spend the rest of your life with him and have his babies and you KNOW he is the one you’ll be buried next to for eternity.
- You aren’t going to beg or plead.
Your letter is A GIFT of love to him, not a manipulation to leave him feeling like he has to be with you or else he is a total jerk.
Here’s an example of one such email:
I respect your need for space and want you to know I will honor your request for as long as you need.
I also want you to know that I am angry and hurt and confused right now, but those feelings will pass and I won’t allow them to cloud my love for you.
I really do love and care for you deeply. Your smile brightens my day. The way you bring me medicine when I am sick lifts my spirits faster than Airborne works on my congestion, and your kind texts every morning when I wake up are like a tiny bird singing to me to join the day.
I too will think about us during this break. Mostly, though, I will think about the good memories you have left me with: the time we spontaneously went to the movies in our PJs and laughed the whole time in the empty theater; the time you cried at how good my spaghetti was; the night our sex was so amazing, we named it.
Love, I want you to take your time, and whatever you decide, I want you to not worry about me, because I will be okay in the end.
I respect you enough to be patient and to honor your decision about our love.
All my heart,
If you write this letter, you will leave him with a good taste and will show him that you care ABOUT HIS WISHES.
Read More Relationship Advice For Women: What Do Men Want In A Woman?!
You will be reminding him of the goodness in your relationship, and you will be reassuring him that he makes a difference in your life. Men need this to feel like a relationship is working for them.
You will also be FREEING him up not to feel guilty and worried about you. Guilt actually makes a man want to run, because it creates pressure and makes him think that if he stays and it doesn’t work out in the future, he will destroy your life.
DON’T go on and on in your letter and squeeze in every moment of every memory, or go into detail about all your feelings about him and his need for space. Too many words will feel draining and overwhelming for him.
Now, once he does take the space, have a friend on hand. Have a friend you can call when you are jonesing to contact him, and make sure this friend is POSITIVE and CALMING. Tell them that you only need their strength and patience, not their fears and opinions. A good friend will understand what you mean and will be available to you during this hard time.
Resist the need to rehash everything with family and friends and question his love a thousand times. Meditate, focus on things you love, don’t do things you don’t love to do, and give yourself permission to feel your feelings without marinating in them too long.
In the end, if he comes back, let him guide the pace of things, because you love him and are willing to surrender control of the unknown and control over the relationship.
In love, we invite, we surrender, we risk.
And, remember, just because a man needs space, doesn’t mean he is gone. Have faith because sometimes it takes space to close a gap.
Sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter and learn more of my relationship advice techniques!
He Lost Interest. Now What?
Article I wrote for BlackLoveAdvice.com:
If your relationship has done a 180 and you are now pursuing the man you love instead of being adamantly pursued by him, I know exactly how you feel. I dated a few guys who went from in love to missing in action. If he lost interest in you, it’s still not too late—it wasn’t too late for me.
If you follow me online, you know that the man I’m with now was once a drifter. He called me his miracle in the beginning of the relationship and then he didn’t call me at all. I was able to save this relationship, unlike those few before him who also lost interest in me, because I learned a few things about men and love.
Here’s a powerful tip to help you gain back his interest now that he has lost interest in you:
If He Lost Interest, Sit On Your Hands To Regain His Love
In my past, when a man lost interest in me, I would start to panic. I would do whatever I could to pull him toward me. I would give him gifts, text him invites, offer to clean his house and help him sort out his emotional problems. I become a mom, a buddy and a psychologist all wrapped up in one. But what I didn’t become was his girlfriend again.
When you chase a man by becoming a shape-shifter for him (“I’ll shift into any role you need of me!”) you end up pushing him further away. Shape-shifting has a waft of neediness and desperation and a man will sense that all your polite gestures aren’t free. He will begin to feel manipulated and obliged to you and that’s smothering.
On the other hand, you can’t push him away either. In my past, while I was pulling a man toward me by chasing him, I was also, at the same time, pushing him away with rejecting behavior. I was so wrapped up in him and worried that he’d abandon me, any gesture he would make to come close and get to know me would be met with hesitation and a heap of nerves.
Instead of pull/push a man in the attempt to make him regain interest, it’s best to do what I call sitting on your hands. Do nothing to chase him and focus instead on remaining still and calm and having welcoming energy oozing from an open heart.
Don’t call him or invite him places or give him gifts or cute “friendly” text messages, etc. Just live your life, breathe, feel your feelings and when he contacts you, be welcoming and inviting. Listen to him, laugh with him and let him set the pace of the conversation. Treat him like a casual friend who always brings a smile to your face when she calls you.
Goddess Love Help: He Wants Space? Now What?
He Wants Space & You Want Him! Time To Breathe & Tell Him How You Feel Before He Takes His Time Away!
If a man has recently told you that he wants space from you and the relationship, I know how you feel. I’ve been in a few dating relationships with men who have taken space. Sometimes it seems like a man is 100% devoted to dating you and then, all of a sudden, out of the blue (without any real relationship problems), he wants space. I was heartbroken and shocked each time this happened to me.
Now it’s time for you to follow my love help advice and soothe your heartache and worries. It’s time for you to reclaim your life and find your grounding so that you don’t reach out to him and you don’t fall into a well of darkness and low self-esteem like I did countless times before in my past.
What To Tell Him When He Wants Space
When he wants space, you have to give him space. You have to respect his wishes and his needs. It doesn’t mean you have to like that he wants space.
So, how do you respect his desire for distance while still being honest about your feelings? It’s simple. You tell him how you feel.
Do you feel worried that he’ll never come back? Tell him. Do you feel angry that he “slapped” you with this from what seems like left field? Tell him. Do you doubt whether you want to stay with him if he does come back? Tell him. Are you worried that you did something wrong that caused him to claim he wants space? Tell him.
Tell him everything you feel—all of it is safe to say; he won’t run further away. The key is in the DELIVERY. It’s all about the VIBE you have when you speak with him and in the SPECIFIC WORDS you choose when speaking to him.
My Love Help To You: Focus On Your Vibe
When you talk to him after he wants space, you have to have grounded energy. You have to resist the urge to pull him toward you. Practice planting your feet in the ground and imagining that there are roots coming out of the earth, climbing up your legs.
Imagine that these roots are filled with loving, soothing, calming and comforting “soul food” that nurture you as if you are part of the plant. So every time you feel the inclination to beg him, plead to him, cry to him, or even to shut down and wall off—I want you to use this dating advice for women VISUAL to help you stay openhearted and still in one place. Make it so that he can come and go and you aren’t going to interfere by chasing him or pushing him away.
It’s like raising a child. When you sit back and let the child come to you and tell the child that you are there for him when and if he needs you, he will come closer and closer. When you are an overbearing caretaker (or a neglecting one), the child develops an insecure attachment with you. He also can feel unsafe with you—that you are a burden to him emotionally because you are so overbearing.
Be the kind of mother who is available and “at peace” in her heart when you are talking with your man. Feel secure in your attachment to the earth so that you don’t fall victim to panicking about losing him.
The Specific Words You Use When Talking To Him
When you speak with him you have to not only stay grounded and unwavering in your ability to let him come and go without your interference, you also have to use words that he can hear—words that are effective at communicating your TRUTH.
Stick to talking about your feelings. You can talk about your feelings for him and your feelings surrounding the fact that he wants space. You should avoid blame and any words that negate his need for space.
Do say things like:
I love you and I’m sorry if I hurt you.
I appreciate our relationship and I do care about your feelings.
I will miss you during this time but I want to respect your wishes.
Right now I am angry, confused, sad, pissed, going crazy inside, etc.
I don’t know if I can wait for you but I think I’ll try.
I am scared that you are going to leave for good but I will be okay no matter what.
Don’t say things like:
You can’t do this to me!
Fine! Well then, I don’t want to be with you anymore! (when you do)
You are an a**hole, a commitment phobic jerk, an emotionally unavailable piece of ****, etc.
I won’t be okay if you leave me.
Once He’s Taken Space, You Have To Back Off
When he wants space, it’s time for you to refocus your energy on the parts of your life that have been neglected because of this dating relationship. What are you passions outside of him? Who are your friends and family members whom you haven’t seen in a while?
Dust off all the part of you that have been set aside because of the relationship.
Take Gentle Care Of Number #1– YOU
Do the very best to take care of yourself at this time. Take one day at a time and be very tender, loving, easy and forgiving with yourself.
Try to see his space as a time to self-reflect. What are the issues that you bring to a relationship that need some altering:
Are you too needy?
Do you commit yourself to guys too soon?
Do you pick the wrong guys?
Are you susceptible to being treated like a doormat?
Do you struggle with sticking up for yourself with men?
Do you have issues with knowing your personal boundaries?
Are you unable to be receptive and available when a man is emotionally available?
Are you brimming with uncontained, hostile emotion that is scary for a man?
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Like I said—be gentle with yourself when he wants space. However, take the focus off wondering and worrying about him and about how he reacted to you and how he might need something else than what you offer, and instead ask yourself if you are happy with the way you’ve acted in the relationship.
So when asking yourself if you are too needy or too nice, don’t think about it from his point of view and what you think are his preferences. Think about it from your perspective. Think about whether you would date you.
Don’t Allow Yourself To Be A Victim When He Wants Space
If you feel like his need for space is triggering some abandonment issues inside you, it’s time to face those issues. Telling yourself things like; “I can’t live without him” and “I feel like I’m worthless now that he’s left” are somewhat normal feelings but too much of that thinking is very unhealthy!
Sometimes when he wants space, we start to romanticize the relationship and our feelings for him grow and grow the more he hurts us and ignores us. Be sure not to start marinating in the pain of his unavailability. Make sure not to be giving him more love and attention (even if it’s just in your mind) when he is distant than when he is available.
Some women have issues with this. They actually only get really “hooked” on the guy when he is pulling back. If you notice that you are giving far more attention to a man when he is drifting away from you than when he is available and eager to show you love and affection, you have to face the fact that you may have issues with intimacy.
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You to read about my Enchantress Secrets. These secrets are like “goddess love help” rules to follow with men that will not only keep you feeling empowered, grounded and armed with the right words to affect him, they will also get you the kind of guy who deserves you, faces the music with solid communication and doesn’t just say he wants space when it’s probably not warranted.
Signs You Are Working Too Hard To Attract Men
If you’re out on the dating scene, seriously looking for love and commitment, you have to be very cautious about not having too much masculine energy in your dating relationships with men. To attract men, you must receive the attention and affection instead of give it.
When you have too much masculine energy, you are the pursuer, the hunter, the chaser—you carry the weight in the dating relationship. Men don’t like this—it feels smothering, needy and controlling for many of them.
My dating advice for women with too much masculine energy is to SLOW DOWN and SOFTEN UP!
When you have feminine energy, you automatically allow a man to have the masculine energy. You can step back and actually enjoy being pursued and chased instead of feeling resentful and exhausted from tailing him.
STELLAR Dative Advice For Women: EMBODY Feminine Energy & You Will Attract Men
To be successful at having the feminine energy in the dating relationship with a man, you have to find your center. You have to feel grounded, no matter what a man is doing or not doing— no matter how frequently he’s calling or not calling. When you can authentically feel at peace regardless of a man’s behavior and words, you will attract men effortlessly.
Many women think they’re standing in their feminine energy with men, but aren’t. They confuse assertiveness and strength with feeling grounded. Being grounded is about being calm and still and allowing the man closer without needing him to come closer. Being too assertive, you start pulling him toward you, impatient and wanting results. Here are some signs you are in your masculine energy:
Sign #1: You’re Pulling On The Motor Cord To Attract Men
Know how you have to pull a cord to start a motorboat engine? It’s hard work—I know, I used to live in Miami on the ocean and went on boats all the time. Well, when you are in your masculine energy, you are the one pulling the cord to get the relationship going. If you are calling him, texting him, frequenting places he goes, emailing him friendly forwards, planning the dates, chatting up his friends to see what he feels for you—you are pulling the cord.
This is also about offering extras, as I call it. When you call him to make sure he knows how to get to your house, or to see if he would like you to pick him up a few things on the way to his house, or to know if he has any questions or requests of you—that’s giving him extras. Let him decide when he needs more information from you or when to ask for a favor. Follow my goddess love help and make the decision to TRUST that the man will follow through– have PATIENCE that the right man, who WILL follow through, is out there!
Sign #2: You’re Carrying His Feelings & Thoughts
This includes wondering all the time what he’s thinking; asking him if he’s okay; asking your friends what everything means. Masculine energy is the more “heady” energy and feminine energy is more about being in the moment and “just being”. When you are focused on figured him out and controlling and managing his feelings, you are not able to “just be” and thus you can’t attract men.
Don’t expend energy on worrying about him, especially because you’ll never know what he’s thinking and feeling. Leave it up to him to tell you what you need to know. Let go of needing to pry into his mind—let it all go like a balloon into the sky.
If you really are concerned about some strange behavior on his part, tell him that you feel concerned and scared, instead of telling him that you think he’s this or that. Keep it about YOU and YOUR feelings concerning relationship problems—that’s the feminine approach and it will feel much less invasive for him.
Sign #3: You’re Throwing Your Body At Him
Don’t be the sexual pursuer to attract men. All men are flattered when women want their sex, but it can also feel desperate and demanding to them. It can make a man feel uninspired to hunt you and it can make him feel lost as to how to be the wooer and the charmer in the relationship—the role that caliber, confident men pride themselves in embodying.
If you are a sexual assertive woman, wait until he has made the first move to unleash your inner bossy babe; your vixen side can come out in the bedroom once he takes the initiative to seduce you and shows interest first. Otherwise the man starts feeling like you’re shoving a pill of physical intimacy down his throat and that’s not going to attract men.
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You to learn more goddess love help on how to treat men, so that you can feel confident, feminine and empowered as a woman who men desire. The book’s 27 enchantress secrets will show you how to make feminine energy-based choices with men, which will allow you to effortlessly attract men like moths to a flame.
Are You Emotionally Needy? Time To Channel A New Vibe & Feel Like His Goddess
Do you feel like everything you do and say to bring him closer is pushing him further away? Does he seem to almost have apathy toward you, rolling his eyes or shutting down and getting rude and grouchy when you try to talk about the relationship? Do you feel like his behavior is making you more emotionally needy and you just wish he’d warm up to you again so you can stop feeling insecure?
If you answered, “yes” to these questions, it’s time to change your vibe.
First, let me say that it’s not your fault. Stop letting his cold shoulder and insensitive words get you feeling like a freak or a weak woman. Everyone gets insecure at times and there’s probably a good chance that his behavior has contributed to your insecurities. It’s really hard even for me to stop myself from falling down into a dark, emotionally needy place when my man pulls back.
The key for me and for YOU is to understand that your insecurities in your relationship don’t affect your worth as a woman. Knowing (and LIVING) this is huge and will help you slip out of the dark, spiraling, anxious place and feel confident and free—no matter what he is doing.
Separate Your Sense Of Self From Your Relationship’s Issues
It’s human nature to lean on your partner or other loved ones for a sense of self. As babies, it’s key to healthy development that our parents instill in us a strong, independent, loving and kind sense of self– we are born extremely impressionable and for the most part, we stay that way.
As women, we are extra sensitive to our environments and have a hard time not letting our environments and the people around us mold our sense of self. Women are very adaptable, which is a beautiful quality that makes us able to gets through all sorts of situations; however, it can make us feel insecure quickly when things don’t go right in our relationships.
When YOU decide not to let him puppet your sense of self, everything becomes easier in your relationship. You not only are able to break free of emotionally neediness, you also seek out men who are more confident and understanding our your needs and insecurities.
How To Change Your Vibe From Emotionally Needy To Goddess!
When you change your vibe and stop being emotionally needy, you are filled with FEMALE POWER. You take the power back in your relationship and you instantly feel grounded, like a tree rooted to the earth, even in moments where your man is acting strange and distant.
Tree Energy Exercise:
One way to ground yourself is to use a visual—the tree I mentioned above is a good one. Imagine there are roots coming straight up out of Mother Earth’s belly, shooting into the bottom of your feet. Imagine that inside the roots thrives a powerful energy force that makes you feel comforted, nurtured and emotionally “fed”. Close your eyes now and imagine the roots tangling up inside your body—wrapping around organs, blood vessels, nerves and muscles. Imagine that your body is lite up with this amazing energy. Feel yourself glowing with sparkly green, pink, yellow particles of light that are radiating off the roots.
How To Act Like His Goddess
Once you start taking emotional nourishment from the earth and cut the “umbilical cord” that you have attached into your man’s heart, you will feel stronger. This umbilical cord is not a heart connection, but it’s a drainage system that has depleted him of life force. Right now he can’t handle your need for connection and that has made you latch onto him in this way.
It’s time to sever this cord by not “pulling at him” when he is already acting grumpy. Here’s what I want you to do next time you are with him and feeling like you want to talk about his behavior and his feelings about you:
Take a deep breath and take the focus off him. Do the tree-energy exercise and when you feel grounded, look at him while continuing to feel rooted in place and say, “I feel sad. I feel disconnected from you and I don’t want to feel this way in a relationship. What do you think I should do?”
Then I want you to listen to what he has to say. If he comforts you, let him. If he gets upset, just breathe and stay grounded. Say, “I don’t want to upset you but this is how I feel and it’s important to me that I voice my feelings.” Then I want you to get up and go do something that makes you happy.
Changing Your Vibe Is About Taking Your Focus Off Him And Placing It Onto Your Feelings!
When you speak up about your feelings and take control of your happiness, you change your vibe. He’s expecting you to focus on him because that’s what you’ve been doing—analyzing what he feels and what he’s thinking. When you starts to see that you have taken the attention off of trying to change him and put it back on yourself, then he will come closer. Until then, he’ll feel smothered and even controlled.
Being a goddess is about selfishness. When I use that word, I simply mean that you detach from his life force and you prioritize your emotional needs. You stop worrying about what he thinks, feels and needs and you start taking care of YOU. It doesn’t matter what he feels or what he is thinking, if what YOU feel is YUCKY. If you feel yucky, it’s about finding a way out of that place that doesn’t include trying to change him. You can share your feelings, ask for change and express your needs, but if he isn’t willing to hear you or offer you reassurance of his love, you have to ground yourself and take nourishment from another source– like the earth.
A goddess is communicative, always speaking the simple truth about how she feels. She owns her feelings and can say, “I feel sad, angry and weak today” in the same unashamed tone as “I feel happy, soft inside and confident today!”
What can you do to ground yourself and cut the cord? Thoughts?
How To Prevent Him From Losing Interest
Was he “all about you” in the beginning of the relationship and now acts like you’re the thing that ate his life? Has he stopped calling? Does he seems irritated when he does spend time when you?
If you are going through a role-reversal, where you have become the pursuer and the one who fights for the relationship, I know how hard that can be and I’m so sorry!
I dated a couple of guys that came onto me like gangbusters in the early stages of knowing me. They chased me, wooed me and practically begged me to give them the exclusivity and commitment. However, things changed once I let my guard down and fell in love with these men.
Soon I was treated like a pariah. They would take hours to return my calls and I always felt like they took me out on a date (or came over for a booty call) when there wasn’t anything else to do. That’s how I felt—like being with me with something to do to blow the time.
Instead of leaving these guys and getting back out there on the dating scene, I stuck around. I tried to work hard to impress these guys and show them that I was worth their hearts.
Read More Relationship Advice From Connect With His Heart: How To Be Confident With Guys!
Maybe you can relate to my history with these men? Do you feel like you have a pattern of turning guys off of you? If so, first let me say that it’s probably as much the type of guy you pick, as it is your behavior in a relationship. In fact, it may be just the guys you pick. However, to help you feel better about getting close to a new guy, here are some tips to prevent him from losing interesting in you:
Don’t Push Him Away Or Pull Him Closer
When you getting to know a guy, it’s best to let him come toward you. Think of him as the one who “moves.” He may move toward you or away from you at times, and I’m asking that you stay still. I call it “sitting on your hands.” When you can be still and remain open-hearted with welcoming energy, you appear confident.
As you get closer to a man, there are going to be times where he will pull back for a bit. Maybe he needs to recoup or make decisions about the relationship. This is natural. It’s important that you don’t punish him for this behavior. Instead of pulling back too, just remain on your hands. When he comes back to you, don’t make him pay for taking space. Be honest about how it made you feel, but stay grounded and let him come toward you again.
Just like it’s important not to push a man away as you get close to him, it’s important not to pull him toward you either. Don’t chase men and don’t try to transform yourself into the type of woman he wants you to be. If you feel the urge to impress him, please him, cater to him, stop yourself and breath. Don’t let you fear of being rejected by him take away your power. Stay sitting on your hands.
Read More Relationship Advice From Connect With His Heart: What Exactly Are Personal Boundaries In A Relationship?
Prevent Him From Losing Interest By Owning Your Emotions
Too many women think that that owning their emotions means shoving them down and not letting a man see the anger, sadness and fear. They try to be perfectly happy and practical girlfriends. So many women buy that lie that love gurus are telling women to follow that preaches that men like rational, practical women who think and act like men.
Men don’t want women who happen to have vaginas. They want that feminine energy to balance their masculine energy. Feminine energy isn’t about pretending to be practical and emotionless. It’s about expressing emotion.
When you “own” your emotions, you express them in a healthy way. Healthy emotional expression in a relationship is all about being honest and open without being overbearing and overwhelming.
When you can admit that you are sad, angry, worried, etc. with the same openness and confidence as you would have when expressing your happiness, you own your feelings. Men are attracted to this quality in a mate. It makes you interesting, fascinating and exciting to be with. It also makes you SAFE to be with, because you are an open book and that creates emotional security for a man.
Step Into Your Sensuality
It’s hard to feel sexy when you don’t believe you are; however, any woman, regardless of her self-image, can feel sensual. Sensuality is all about living in your senses and feeling alive in your body.
Read More Relationship Advice From Connect With His Heart: Are You A Pleaser To Men?
Men respond to sensuality because it makes them feel their own aliveness. This equals hot! for a guy. Ever hear about men leaving their sweet, polite wives because they’ve lost attraction? A lot of the time, this is related to him not feeling his own aliveness through the relationship.
A man will quickly slip away from a woman who is a walking head. You have to be alive in your body: exercise and indulge your senses with good music, healthy food and soft touches. Take long, hot baths or pay for a massage now and then. Find a way to melt stress and feel less tense in your body through meditation and a manageable workload. This will help him feel “soft and melty” when he’s with you and will prevent him from losing interest in you. He will never put you in the “friend zone” if you can “tenderize” him this way.
For tips on how to enchant men with confidence, calm and sensuality, check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. In its pages, I offer 27 enchantress secrets to magnetizing men and empowering your Female Fire for life in the process!
When A Man Pulls Back In A Relationship, It Can Be Good Or Bad
Women usually process things by getting on the phone with friends and family and talking out their feelings. Men usually process things by pulling back. When a man pulls back in a relationship, it could be a good thing or it could mean that he is a commitment-phobe.
In his book Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus, Dr. John Gray goes into detail about how men are like rubberbands. They pull back and then snap forward. He explains how it’s important to respect a man’s need to pull back and that men usually pull back when they feel emotionally closer to you.
The problem with all of this is that some men DON’T snap back. Some men pull back and the stay back, or some pull back and snap forward too often and too severely. This sometimes has to do with how you handle them while they pull back, but it also can be about his ability to tolerate intimacy.
Some men who pull back and then stay back (or pull back and come close constantly—i.e. hot then cold), are commitment-phobes. If he is a commitment-phobe, I suggest that you stop respecting his need to pull back and start listening to and respecting your own need for a constant and close emotional connection.
Too many women use the excuse of the “rubberband thingy men do” to stick around with a limited man. They bottle their insecure feelings about his behavior and slap on their best plastic smiles, while hoping that he will come back and offer up a long-term commitment.
And lots of times a commitment-phobe does come back. But not for long. In fact, once they pull back the first time, their periods of staying close become shorter and shorter. Why? Because the level of closeness is too intolerable and they have to constantly break free to recoup.
Where It Leaves You As The Woman When A Man Pulls Back
If you think that your “hot then cold then hot then freezing” guy is just going to stop this behavior without any outside, professional help to guide him toward healthy relationship patterns, you’d be fooling yourself. Most times, this is impossible—a commitment-phobe’s need to get away from feeling trapped is too powerful. (There’s a great book called Men Who Can’t Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol that will help you understand the severity of commitment-phobia and what to look for.)
If he is capable of intimacy and togetherness but has pulled back because the relationship seems to be getting very close to a long-term commitment, then that’s one thing. That is normal and is a strong sign of his serious feelings for you.
In this case, it’s important to handle things a certain way and I’ll get into that in my next article. However, if you have that gut feeling that this guy isn’t safe (you’ve never felt truly safe and secure in the relationship), then it’s time for you to do YOUR rubberband thing and pull back for good.
Hot Then Cold Then Hot Then Cold… Can Ruin Your Self-Esteem
When a man treats you like a filling station, coming by only to refuel on love, attention and affection, it can make you doubt yourself. It can make you question your lovability. It can make you work really hard to keep him around, feeling like you are only worth something when he actually decides to stay put.
It can also leave you with really unhealthy relationship patterns. When a person whom you rely on for support and emotional security constantly vanishes, anxiety builds inside you. You feel like the rug can be ripped from under your feet at any moment, and soon you start to live on edge, waiting for a man to temporarily abandon you. Then, once that precarious relationship is over, you are still left with those anxious feelings.
The next guy who comes around gets the brunt of things. You become anxious with him, expecting him to pull back. You even push him away before he has a chance to pull back by being too demanding or stand-offish. Then, when HE leaves, having felt you were just too much to take, your self-esteem and hope for love plummet!
Don’t let a man ruin your self-esteem or throw you into a pit of anxiety and fears of abandonment. Find a guy who can be there for you. Find a guy who, even when he pulls back, can communicate his feelings and still be there to help you through your feelings. A good man will always care about how he affects you and won’t just do as he pleases without an ounce of concern for how it makes you feel.
Check out my Love Advice Newsletter to learn more about the unhealthy rubber band thing that happens when a man pulls back too often. I call it the anti-love dance, where one person moves forward and the other pulls back. I go into detail about how this dance can deplete your energy, optimism and ability to love in a proper way. In my FREE newsletters, I also talk about how stop pushing healthy men away (maybe you are the rubberband and you don’t even know it) and how to keep a man coming closer and closer.
Are You a Clingy Girlfriend With a Needy Vibe?
Are you afraid that you are a clingy girlfriend who gives off a stench with men that screams: “I need you, I need you, I NEED you”?
There are some women who can do and say ANYTHING when with a man and not push him away. These women have a certain confidence about them that always puts a man at ease and never makes him feel “weird” or “off-put” in the relationship. How do they have this confident, do-and-say-anything vibe?
They are not wrapped up in a man. See, you can love a man, care DEEPLY for him and really need him in your life, but if you feel like you wouldn’t be OKAY without a certain man (that he would take your whole happiness away with him if he left), then you are going to have a “scary” vibe about you that is not going to sit well with a man.
This vibe is going to make you question everything you say. It’s going to make you worry about the meanings behind everything he does. It’s going to make his efforts NEVER enough for you: a person is never going to permanently fill a void in your life and your heart knows this, so it makes you pull and pull more and more from him. Your needs become a bottomless pit.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: Compromise Vs. Being A Pleaser
I get emails all the time from women who are upset that a man didn’t invite them to a certain dinner or didn’t ask for more quality time, or were silent too long on the phone concerning a question asked. These women stress out over the “why” of every little thing. They stress out so much; they have to write me page-long emails.
A clingy girlfriend feels she can’t just express herself freely in her relationship.
They feel “frozen and scared” to speak up to their man (a man THEY ARE GIVING THEIR SACRED, GORGEOUS BODIES TO FOR SEX), and this scared and frozen feeling makes all the anxiety WORSE.
This scared and frozen feeling makes them believe they are “too much” for the man. They feel that the feelings of desperate need and deep fear of losing the man, which are whirling around inside them like a chaotic storm, would scare any man off. And all this fear and anxiety, all this shutting up and keeping feelings hidden, shatters these women’s’ self-esteem!
The best way to change a needy vibe around a man is to stop thinking that only a certain person (or relationship… or ONE relationship) can offer you a happy life. You have to start living fully for TODAY. You have to find the miracles and joys present in everyday life and celebrate them NOW.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: Remove Emotional Walls & Put Up Boundaries
Go take a stroll… literally walk away from your clingy-girlfriend obsession over him:
Look at the trees and think about all the storms they’ve weathered. Smell the flowers planted in the park by your house and listen to the rustling breezes. Open your senses to the world around you. Even thank the plants around you for the air they provide you or the flowers for their beauty.
Get more IN TOUCH with the world around you and with your feelings. If the walk makes you sad, cry. Feel your feelings and don’t be afraid of the negative ones. Step into your emotions. Sometimes we start obsessing over a man as a way of running away from our deep feelings. In fact, it’s been proven that women with depression have more tendencies toward dramatic, unstable, adrenaline-producing relationships that keep their dopamine and serotonin levels up.
Don’t be afraid of your dark feelings and learn to just “be” with yourself. Ask yourself this question: What can I do for myself, free of a man, to feel happier with my life? What am I missing that I think only this man can provide?
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: What Attracts A Man To A Woman? Goddess Energy
Listen to your inner voice’s answer. Usually we feel so lonely inside, so disconnected from our bodies, our feelings, our families, our neighbors and friends, that we think that only a man’s love can makes us feel whole again. We feel like hollow vessels and we don’t want to slow down and feel ourselves, so we do and do for a man, think and worry about him and our relationship, all to avoid “the silence”.
Don’t Burden Him With Your Insecurities
It’s UNFAIR to a man to be a clingy girlfriend and burden him with guilt and responsibility to fill your bottomless pit of despair. It’s unfair to him to make him feel smothered and drained by your overwhelming need for attention.
He wants to be with a woman who can enjoy life with him, not who will look to him as the solution to her life pain. He wants a woman who doesn’t read into everything and has enough confidence and independence to not “freak out” if he decides he wants a night off, for example.
Read More From This Love Advice Blog: How To Talk With Your Man: Getting Him To Open Up
A clingy vibe is like a rock tied to a man’s ankle, pulling him under water: You can say and do all the “right” things, but if your vibe SCREAMS with need, he will feel heavy around you, like he’s drowning in your presence.
In my Love Advice Newsletter, I write about this vibe and how it affects a man’s feelings for you. In it, I give you exercises and tools to help you stay PRESENT when with a man and teach you how to heal the dark parts of yourself that SHATTER your confidence when a man starts acting “funny”. See, a confident woman can talk with a man about his issues within a relationship or see that a man is missing certain tools to be in a committed relationship. She doesn’t put it on herself if he takes space, she just looks for solutions or goes out and finds a man who appreciates her more. A lack of confidence stops us from being PROACTIVE. It stops us from sharing ourselves. It makes us feel everything is OUR fault and it makes us make poor decisions that further affect our self-esteem!
Marriage Advice: “How Do I Make My Husband Change?”
When I was married, I thought about this A LOT– constantly reading marriage advice and thinking of ways to make my husband act different, treat me better, and show me more love.
I would bang my fist against the wall, “UGH! How do I make my husband change?!”I was all tied up in knots inside– angry at him for his behavior, scared of losing him, unsure of how to cope with my feelings.
I wanted more than anything for him to change. I NEEDED him to change or I thought I would just combust. I couldn’t do it anymore– the smiling, the pleasing and catering, and then the screaming and yelling in the moments where my “nice wife facade” would crack.
But I didn’t know HOW to improve my man’s behavior and make him love me more. People made suggestions that just made me angrier– “be nicer”, “cook and clean even more”, “let him spend his free time with his friends and don’t nag him to be with you.”
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Heal Intimacy Issues In The Relationship This Way
It all sounded awful– MORE SACRIFICES, MORE STUFFING DOWN MY NEEDS! I felt like I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just get divorced, but then I thought about how much I did love him in the rare moments when things were good. I really didn’t want to lose him and did want to inspire my man.
Before I totally lost my mind, he left me. It was horrible– the nail in the coffin of my failure as a woman worth loving.
Well, I picked up the pieces and started dating again; when I finally found a nice, good man who adored me, guess what happened? He started acting “uninspired”, just like my husband. Here I was, in a new relationship with a totally different type of man and yet he was pulling the same antics as my ex: never home, never “pulling his weight” around the house and in the relationship in general, never complimenting me or acting loving with me, never giving me gifts or listening to my feelings.
I was at a loss and seriously thought about just giving up on men entirely.
The Kitty Story That Changed Everything!
Then one day I was out with my friend (and coauthor of Inspire His Love For You) Sarah Jeanette. We were in the parking lot of our favorite Mexican restaurant after a night of margaritas and man-bashing and we spotted a little, dirty, abandoned kitten under a parked car.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Break down Emotional Walls To Bring Him Closer
Well, we both love animals and started to coax this cat from under the cold car, hoping that we could bring it to us. We started calling kitten and you should have seen how adorable we were– no longer angry at men and feeling hostile but just filled with love for this kitty in the parking lot. We were playful and sweet, nice and approachable.
Once we had proven our trust, the kitty came to Sarah, and we rushed off to the animal hospital with him.
In the car, we realized– that’s it that’s the secret to bringing a man closer– acting like we did with that cat!
We didn’t hate the cat, fear the cat, give power to the cat. We just opened our hearts, softened our tone and gained its trust.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Talk With Your Man: Getting Him To Open Up!
Sounded easy but how were we going to pull this of. After all, we were angry at men, afraid of their rejection and did give them lots of power over our lives. We were already trying so hard to open our hearts and soften our tone but our efforts were in vain because they weren’t authentic due to our fears, insecurities and negative feelings.
How was I supposed to be a sweetie pie to my man when all I wanted to do was scream in his face?! Dramatic, I know, but it was the truth!
So I told Sarah, look, let’s do what we can to be happier and stop giving our men all the power. Maybe they don’t even want the power. She agreed. We make a pact to stop talking about our men and find ways to boost our self-esteem and level of happiness and fulfillment for life.
We started dance classes together, went on a vacation together where we banned the conversation of men entirely. For the first day it was hard to find things to talk about. We realized then and there how much energy and time we spent on men. Soon, we were both in great dance-body shape, had picked up three new hobbies between the both of us, and felt so much better inside.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Build Emotional Intimacy In Your Marriage
And guess what else happened– my man started coming around. Things were slow to change for us, but I gradually felt more and more like I was taking my power back. I was honest to him more about my needs and feelings, but because he didn’t have power over me, I wasn’t angry when I spoke or blamed him and criticized. I started laughing more around the house and my laughter and happiness was drawing him toward me. Suddenly he wanted to involve himself in my conversations, “What’s so funny, baby?” or “My, my, someone’s happy lately?” He started inviting me to dinner and treating me like his “love empress”. It was amazing.
And Sarah was having the same results with the two guys she was casually seeing.
Inspire Him With Your Enthusiasm For Life
We vowed then and there to never go back. We realized we were happier and our men were too. See, men want to help, provide, do and take care, but when they don’t feel happy about the relationship, they feel trapped into doing these things and they rebel. When you INSPIRE him with your LIGHT, they want to break their backs to keep that light in their lives.
So stop worrying about changing him and worry about you! Put you first and think about ways to change your happiness WITHOUT his involvement. You’ll see– he’ll notice!
Be proactive about your bliss. If he’s not doing it for you, no amount of wanting, whining, needing or crying will help. No amount of pretending you are fine and following him around like you don’t have a life of your own will help you find solutions to the question; “How do I make my husband change?”
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Make Your Husband Want You By Stopping The Nice Wife Routine!
You can do it. If I did, you can too!
If you need help, sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter. It’s all about how to feel better about you and put you FIRST, while also learning our tips on how to talk with a man and act with him in ways that will bring him closer!