Goddess Love Help: Getting Grounded When He Pulls Back!
Goddess Love Help gets you feeling secure with yourself and your circumstances no matter what he’s doing!
So you’re dating a great guy and all of the sudden he needs space. Maybe his distancing feels out-of-the-blue, or maybe you’ve been sensing that he’s been slowly pulling back. What do you do? What do you say? The best goddess love help I can offer you is to stop worrying about what to do and what to say.
The more you chase him, strategize, stress and worry about his actions and his response, the more you are pushing him away.
Playing Hard To Get Doesn’t Work
First let me clarify that goddess love help NEVER involves playing games. Games don’t work. Games are useless because they don’t address the underlying issues that force you to play games in the first place.
When you play games (silent treatment, feigning indifference, going hot then cold, etc.) you gain a man’s attention; however, the reconnection is short lived. Usually he will just take space again after a few weeks or months, and you will be forced to play games again.
Playing games puts you on a disheartening hamster wheel; games don’t bring you and him closer (playing games actually does the opposite because games play off of a man’s abandonment issues); games destroy your self-esteem.
Your participating in games sends a direct message to the areas of your brain that manage your self-worth: “I have to pretend not to care about this man and manipulate his feelings because I am not loveable just as I am, when I am just being myself.”
And you are loveable just as you are! You become someone you aren’t when you try too hard with games and that’s not attractive.
Goddess Love Help Is All About Being One With The Universe
Buddhists believe in The Oneness: the theology that all living things are of the same thread of God—that the loving energy that has created you is the same that has created me and so on. We are all connected and that connection (that endless energy, like a thread) is God.
My goddess love help makes use of The Oneness.
Right now he is pulling back from you and you are panicking. You love him and don’t want to lose this amazing man. You’re playing every scenario over in your head, wondering where you went wrong—what you said or did to push him away.
But you will never know what you did wrong… or even if his distancing had anything to do with you at all. In fact, in many cases, a man’s emotional distancing has to do with his emotional unavailability more than it has to do with a woman’s behavior in the dating relationship.
So it’s best to stop analyzing and worrying about what you did wrong or what you can do to change things. It’s best to stop worrying about him as much as possible.
But how do you take the focus off him? You do it by embracing The Oneness and gathering strength, peace of mind and loving energy from the world around you.
Next time you feel compelled to reach out to him and fix the issues between you both, take a deep breath instead and allow the strength of The Oneness to soothe and replenish you:
Go fro a walk and take a look at the natural world around you: the rustling trees that have spread their roots over this earth for decades before you were born; the tiny roses that seduce bees, butterflies and hummingbirds with their potent fragrance; the little weeds that struggle to sprout between the wedges in the sidewalk…
Take energy from each of these things. Feel your heart expanding with love, life and perseverance. Feel your connection to these life systems and allow yourself to ‘just be’ as they are ‘just being’ in that moment:
The tiny roses don’t try and seduce the insects, they just do. They exist and naturally function as they were meant to function. You were meant to just be in the moment and live in that awareness without stress about the future or past. This is your way of seducing a man.
Getting Grounded—Avoiding Pulling Energy
The more you feel the power of The Oneness and the more you can ‘just be’ among the loving energy that is all around you, the less you will pull your man toward you.
See, he can feel your pulling energy. He can sense it even without being in your physical presence. It lingers in every text, email and phone call.
He has pulled away to get relief from this energy. It’s very smothering and he doesn’t have to the tools (a lot of men don’t) to help ease your distress that is causing your pulling energy.
This doesn’t mean that you have pushed him away—he could be so sensitive to a woman’s emotional needs that the slightest pulling energy on a woman’s part scares him. This kind of man is called emotionally unavailable and there is nothing you can do to change him from being this way.
Some men are not emotionally unavailable, they just don’t know how to process and deal with a woman’s pulling energy. They run away (temporarily or permanently) instead of communicating what they think and need.
Nourish Your Heart With The Universe Instead Of Through Him
Finding your grounding and feeding off the energy of the universe takes the burden off him. He stops feeling like you are dragging him down (pulling him under) with needs and demands.
When you can BOUNCE BACK from a fight… when you can stop sweating the small stuff… when you can remove yourself from the drama of the relationship and find your way back to a loving, peaceful heart… when you can surrender and not try and control his thoughts and feelings… that’s when you will find true love.
That’s when the question becomes—Is HE mature enough for MY emotional maturity and newfound ability to love and share intimacy? And if the answer is ‘no’, you will let him go as easily as you would a leaf into a river.
Check out my Love Advice Newsletter and transform your life and the way you think about love. It’ll show you the significance of SURRENDER and ‘going with the flow’. It will also give you the self-esteem to NATURALLY seek out great men.
When A Man Pulls Back In A Relationship, It Can Be Good Or Bad
Women usually process things by getting on the phone with friends and family and talking out their feelings. Men usually process things by pulling back. When a man pulls back in a relationship, it could be a good thing or it could mean that he is a commitment-phobe.
In his book Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus, Dr. John Gray goes into detail about how men are like rubberbands. They pull back and then snap forward. He explains how it’s important to respect a man’s need to pull back and that men usually pull back when they feel emotionally closer to you.
The problem with all of this is that some men DON’T snap back. Some men pull back and the stay back, or some pull back and snap forward too often and too severely. This sometimes has to do with how you handle them while they pull back, but it also can be about his ability to tolerate intimacy.
Some men who pull back and then stay back (or pull back and come close constantly—i.e. hot then cold), are commitment-phobes. If he is a commitment-phobe, I suggest that you stop respecting his need to pull back and start listening to and respecting your own need for a constant and close emotional connection.
Too many women use the excuse of the “rubberband thingy men do” to stick around with a limited man. They bottle their insecure feelings about his behavior and slap on their best plastic smiles, while hoping that he will come back and offer up a long-term commitment.
And lots of times a commitment-phobe does come back. But not for long. In fact, once they pull back the first time, their periods of staying close become shorter and shorter. Why? Because the level of closeness is too intolerable and they have to constantly break free to recoup.
Where It Leaves You As The Woman When A Man Pulls Back
If you think that your “hot then cold then hot then freezing” guy is just going to stop this behavior without any outside, professional help to guide him toward healthy relationship patterns, you’d be fooling yourself. Most times, this is impossible—a commitment-phobe’s need to get away from feeling trapped is too powerful. (There’s a great book called Men Who Can’t Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol that will help you understand the severity of commitment-phobia and what to look for.)
If he is capable of intimacy and togetherness but has pulled back because the relationship seems to be getting very close to a long-term commitment, then that’s one thing. That is normal and is a strong sign of his serious feelings for you.
In this case, it’s important to handle things a certain way and I’ll get into that in my next article. However, if you have that gut feeling that this guy isn’t safe (you’ve never felt truly safe and secure in the relationship), then it’s time for you to do YOUR rubberband thing and pull back for good.
Hot Then Cold Then Hot Then Cold… Can Ruin Your Self-Esteem
When a man treats you like a filling station, coming by only to refuel on love, attention and affection, it can make you doubt yourself. It can make you question your lovability. It can make you work really hard to keep him around, feeling like you are only worth something when he actually decides to stay put.
It can also leave you with really unhealthy relationship patterns. When a person whom you rely on for support and emotional security constantly vanishes, anxiety builds inside you. You feel like the rug can be ripped from under your feet at any moment, and soon you start to live on edge, waiting for a man to temporarily abandon you. Then, once that precarious relationship is over, you are still left with those anxious feelings.
The next guy who comes around gets the brunt of things. You become anxious with him, expecting him to pull back. You even push him away before he has a chance to pull back by being too demanding or stand-offish. Then, when HE leaves, having felt you were just too much to take, your self-esteem and hope for love plummet!
Don’t let a man ruin your self-esteem or throw you into a pit of anxiety and fears of abandonment. Find a guy who can be there for you. Find a guy who, even when he pulls back, can communicate his feelings and still be there to help you through your feelings. A good man will always care about how he affects you and won’t just do as he pleases without an ounce of concern for how it makes you feel.
Check out my Love Advice Newsletter to learn more about the unhealthy rubber band thing that happens when a man pulls back too often. I call it the anti-love dance, where one person moves forward and the other pulls back. I go into detail about how this dance can deplete your energy, optimism and ability to love in a proper way. In my FREE newsletters, I also talk about how stop pushing healthy men away (maybe you are the rubberband and you don’t even know it) and how to keep a man coming closer and closer.
Don’t Freak Out! Stop Feeling Powerless When He Disappears
He wooed and pursued you, and now he’s drifting away. But it’s not your fault and it’s not too late!
Do you feel completely turned upside down, perplexed as to how the relationship you’re in went south? Was he once all about you, telling you that he could see himself with you forever, that you were everything he was always looking for in a woman, and now, he’s avoiding you? When he disappears or pulls back, treating you like the thing that ate his life — isolating himself, acting grumpy and cold — I know exactly how awful and baffled it can feel. I’ve experienced the exact same thing more than once in my life. If you want to stop stressing out over him and the relationship; if you want to stop feeling powerless to this man who you once probably didn’t even like all that much, you need to change your vibe and take back your power.
Yes, The Feeling Of Being Bonded To A Man Is A Powerful Force
First, let me say that I know how deep your feelings go right now. I know how connected you feel to him and how much you have come to rely on him as a safe and nurturing place where you can explore your worth as a woman. After all, he presented himself to be a safe harbor for you. He made himself available to you from the get-go, so that you felt appreciated and adored in a way that you may never have before.
It felt like he was some king who had come in on his gallant steed to save you from life. That kind of link is very hard to break — it almost feels like you let him in so deeply, you no longer know where you end and he begins. He has become a real part of you, and now, you are panicking about the fact that you might (literally) lose yourself when he disappears completely.
When He Disappears, You Can Still Take Your Power Back & Change The Relationship
Though this bond is a very intense force, pulling you to him and making you feel desperate and crazy to get him back, you really are stronger than this force, and you really can take your life back. You can also turn the whole relationship around so that the dynamic shifts, and you become the one calling the shots and feeling grounded and powerful, like you did in the beginning.
Taking Your Life Back…
I’m going to be very honest right now as I talk to you about this relationship. I’m going to be very candid about why you’re stuck so deep in the trenches. If you think back on it now, really think, you might see how this man fell in love with a fantasy of who you were and not with you. I say that because he didn’t really know you all that well when he was professing his love and making bold statements, such as “You’re the woman I always wanted!” He probably said those things on the third, fourth, fifth date, right?
It was as if you had the right pieces that made you a good fit for his idea of the perfect woman (pretty, smart, fun, charming), but he hadn’t seen all of your pieces yet to really know the woman you are… the things about you that make you beautifully imperfect… the things that would make an emotionally available man want to take care of you and bond further with you.
I’m not saying you aren’t good enough for this man. The truth is that no woman is good enough for a guy who comes on too strong in the beginning. That guy isn’t interested in dating a real human — he’s interested in keeping his fantasy woman alive in his head. As long as he can say that a woman isn’t fitting the mold, he can stay unavailable and not have to experience intimacy. (I’m not saying that your man is without-a-doubt emotionally unavailable. The point is that the relationship has shifted, and you are now suffering, when you once felt empowered by him.)
Why You Bought His “Act”
It’s easy to want to believe a man’s professions of love and desire. What woman doesn’t want that kind of attention? However, there’s still a deeper reason for why you were so easily persuaded — you were hungry, starved and ravished for emotional connection and a better sense of self. Think back to where you were at in your life when you met this man. You probably fell for his act because you were in a vulnerable place that made you susceptible.
Perhaps you had just gotten out of a painful break-up, or maybe you’d been single for years, feeling like men don’t find you attractive. Maybe a parent had recently died, or you felt lost in your professional life. Something was going on that assisted in your need to believe his smooth lines. When you don’t feel good about your life and you don’t know how to get back to feeling better, you need so badly for a man to tell you the words that will give you life-force. This sets you up to fall for emotionally unavailable guys who come on strong and then, vanish, and it sets you up to splatter into a well of deep heartache and panic when he disappears.
Let’s Start Building You Up!
Most women have a weaker sense of self — it’s part of our biology. We’re designed this way to help us connect with our mates and our children so that we can procreate and stick around to raise our kids. We tend to get our sense of self from the man in our lives (I’m not talking about who women are as professionals — I’m talking about who we are in our personal lives.) But genetics don’t have to keep us stuck in the well when he disappears. In fact, it’s been proven that we can rewire our brains so that we can have different attachment styles so that we can feel secure with or without a man. It’s called neuroplasticity.
Be His Queen Bee!
The best way to rewire your brain so that you can feel powerful no matter what a man does or says, is to make a shift in how you relate with men. It’s time to stop working to be near him and start letting him come closer to you. A profound change has occurred in your relationship — you were once being pursued and showered with attention, and now, you are the one doing the work. You went from being the center to being the idolizer; you went from being the sun (which doesn’t move) to being the earth (circling around him). In order for you to take back your power, you need to get back to being the sun.
The sun stands in one place, blazing with light, which nourishes the earth. The sun is the focal point and the heart of the solar system; it’s called a “solar” system because the sun is the core of everything. You have to start thinking of yourself as the core of your relationship. You have to start thinking that you are the focal point — the one who’s light nourishes the relationship.
To do this, you first have to stop acting like the earth — you have to stop “moving.” You have to fight your need to go toward him — call him, text him, invite him places, start conversations about the relationship, ask him what’s wrong all the time — all the behavior that signifies that you are trying to be closer to him physically and emotionally. When you “move” in the relationship, you lose your power. You become the worker bee — slaving for the relationship. You are no longer the queen bee; he becomes the queen bee.
He becomes the one who sits back, chillin’, doing minimal effort to keep the relationship intact. But he doesn’t want to be the queen bee. As a woman, you feel good in a relationship when you’re being given to, but men feel good when they provide to women they love. When he’s the center of the relationship, it makes him bored. It makes him feel worthless as a man. He starts to blame you — lowing your pricetag and thinking of you as too desperate or too easy.
How To Inspire Him To Work For Your Love
Right now, you carry the masculine energy, and he has the feminine energy. This dynamic leaves you both dissatisfied. To get back to being the feminine energy and him back in his masculine energy, you have to stop moving and start receiving! Do you appreciate male attention? Do you relish in it? Do the words “thank you” and “you’re welcome” roll off your tongue without thought? A goddess is a master at receiving a man’s attention and affection — she knows how to allow a man to touch her; she feels comfortable with letting a man buy her expensive gifts and shower her with acts of thoughtfulness. She ‘melts’ into a man’s advances like candle wax — her body is fluid, and her face is tension-free.
Goddess energy is welcoming and inviting; it makes him feel like you’re at home with him and that you can be yourself with him. A goddess knows, in her bones, that she deserves the things she receives from a man and she easily expresses her gratitude and appreciation for his gifts. I want you to start being available to receive. Try this — take a deep breath, and look around you. What do you see? A table? A countertop? A tree? A computer screen?
I want you to look at all the things around you, breathe deep, and allow yourself to be grateful for their presence in your life. Say, aloud: “Thank you, countertop, for always being there for me to cook food upon you”; “Thank you, computer, for giving me a window into the world outside these doors.” Speak from a place of centeredness — where you are the sun and these objects are revolving around you.
You may feel really silly doing this exercise, but you’ll also feel more grounded. You’ll feel more like a queen. Every one of your subjects (the computer, the countertop, etc.) is honoring you with their presence and their services, and you are extending your gratitude. A queen knows the importance of saying “thank you” to her loyal subjects. It’s not about entitlement; it’s not about vanity. It’s about honoring people, places and things around you by seeing them and acknowledging the positive effects they’ve had on your life.
Let Your Soul Keep You Grounded When He Disappears
To stop yourself from “moving,” you have to face your fears of rejection and abandonment. You have to cut the tie that binds you to your man in the unhealthy way — in the way that keeps you reliant on him for self worth and stuck down the well when you don’t get it.
In my previous articles, I’ve discussed the tree-energy exercise, where you grab nourishment from the earth to self-soothe and feel emotionally “fed.” It’s my favorite way to feel grounded and cut the unhealthy tie to him. You can also grab nourishment from what I call “soul wants.” When you feel a need to reach for him in any way — call him, talk with him about his attitude — I want you to instead take a deep breath, slow down your thinking and go inward. Ask yourself this question:
“What does my soul really desire right now?”
It could be a walk in the park. It could be a call to an old friend to catch up and laugh. It could be a hot bubble bath with rose petals floating on the foamy surface. It can be anything that takes you away from the problem — that cuts the tie. Therefore, it can’t be about him. If the answer to your question becomes “To call him!!” that’s not your soul speaking to you; that’s your fear. Keep breathing and get in tune with your soul’s voice.
“Soul wants” really help because they keep you still when you break away from yourself for a moment. When the urge to be near him comes on, a fear is provoked so deep in you, and you break away from your spirit. You break away from your connection to the ground, to your soul and to your center. You are then more susceptible to your impulses. When you seek out a “soul want,” you bring yourself back to your core self.
When Men Stop Calling
Article I wrote for digitalromanticinc.com:
He was once head-over-heels for you and now he’s heeled it out of there, nowhere to be found. I’ve been right where you are quite a few times and it always hurt like hell. The self-doubt, the analyzing and rehashing of each moment of every date trying to figure out what I said or did wrong to push him away. I would drive myself mad and end up feeling like a toilet, hollow and filled with gook. But I was able to turn things around when my current boyfriend pulled back and I want to share with you now what to do when men stop calling you, so that you can draw that special man back to you, fast.
• It’s Kind Of Obvious, But If You Need A Reminder: Don’t Contact Him
Most of us know not to phone, text or email when men stop calling. But the reality is, we still do it. Oh yes, we get sneaky and creative when we need to (the resourcefulness of women, I tell ya), and we “innocently” reach out when men stop calling.
Because a man is on our mind, we start to see things in our everyday environment that remind us of him, things we’re convinced he absolutely must know about. So we send cute memes that have something to do with a date we went on or we send him Groupon.com coupons for classes or events he showed interest in… You get the idea.
I don’t care how much he needs to know about something—don’t contact him. The reason has less to do with him and more to do with you. We contact a guy to get an adrenaline rush, a hit of our drug, but when he doesn’t respond with something that feels good (and let’s face it, only an “I’ve been stuck under heavy furniture and I’m so sorry I haven’t called; would you like to go out to dinner tonight?” would feel good at this point), we come down off that high with a big, resounding thud. We feel even more shame (the gook in the toilet) and we haven’t accomplished anything.
• When Men Stop Calling, Become The Queen Bee
In my Love Advice Newsletter I talk about being a queen bee with men instead of a worker bee. The queen bee is the heart of the beehive. She is the reason for everything her little workers do for the colony, and they pay close attention to her, tending to her every need. I want you to stop buzzing around like a worker bee – worrying when a man will call, scrutinizing every move you make on a date, planning dates, controlling the pace of the dating relationship, asking his friends what happened to him, etc. Instead I want you to stop doing anything for men and think of yourself as the center of their world.
He Lost Interest. Now What?
Article I wrote for BlackLoveAdvice.com:
If your relationship has done a 180 and you are now pursuing the man you love instead of being adamantly pursued by him, I know exactly how you feel. I dated a few guys who went from in love to missing in action. If he lost interest in you, it’s still not too late—it wasn’t too late for me.
If you follow me online, you know that the man I’m with now was once a drifter. He called me his miracle in the beginning of the relationship and then he didn’t call me at all. I was able to save this relationship, unlike those few before him who also lost interest in me, because I learned a few things about men and love.
Here’s a powerful tip to help you gain back his interest now that he has lost interest in you:
If He Lost Interest, Sit On Your Hands To Regain His Love
In my past, when a man lost interest in me, I would start to panic. I would do whatever I could to pull him toward me. I would give him gifts, text him invites, offer to clean his house and help him sort out his emotional problems. I become a mom, a buddy and a psychologist all wrapped up in one. But what I didn’t become was his girlfriend again.
When you chase a man by becoming a shape-shifter for him (“I’ll shift into any role you need of me!”) you end up pushing him further away. Shape-shifting has a waft of neediness and desperation and a man will sense that all your polite gestures aren’t free. He will begin to feel manipulated and obliged to you and that’s smothering.
On the other hand, you can’t push him away either. In my past, while I was pulling a man toward me by chasing him, I was also, at the same time, pushing him away with rejecting behavior. I was so wrapped up in him and worried that he’d abandon me, any gesture he would make to come close and get to know me would be met with hesitation and a heap of nerves.
Instead of pull/push a man in the attempt to make him regain interest, it’s best to do what I call sitting on your hands. Do nothing to chase him and focus instead on remaining still and calm and having welcoming energy oozing from an open heart.
Don’t call him or invite him places or give him gifts or cute “friendly” text messages, etc. Just live your life, breathe, feel your feelings and when he contacts you, be welcoming and inviting. Listen to him, laugh with him and let him set the pace of the conversation. Treat him like a casual friend who always brings a smile to your face when she calls you.
How To Respond When He Needs Space
An article I wrote for YourTango.com:
Is the man you love acting like a ghost in your relationship? Maybe he’s even vocalized that he needs space? Perhaps he claims nothing’s wrong, but he just doesn’t return your texts and seems to be a whole lot busier than he was in the early stages of dating?
Before you convince yourself that he has one foot out of the relationship, ask yourself if you truly believe that he is capable of commitment and a long-term partnership. Also ask yourself if you feel, on a gut level, that he truly loves you and wants a relationship with you. If you feel confident that he is an emotionally available man and is in love with you, then this space could be a good thing. If you feel doubtful that he has the ability to love, then it is time to say goodbye.
When a man pulls back or carries on like he needs space, it can mean that he is in fact so serious about the relationship that he needs time to assess his feelings and decide whether the relationship is healthy for him long-term. Men are more in their heads than women and when the thunderbolt of love hits them, they may need to take a step back and look at things more logically.
The key for you is to handle his need for space in a way that’s respectful and dignified. It’s okay to communicate your feelings (like in a letter) or to ask him questions about what he’s thinking. But don’t smother him and don’t make him feel guilty and accused.
This doesn’t mean you have to ignore your feelings when he needs space. It’s important to honor your feelings and to not reward behavior that hurts you by being too flexible.
Avoid Clinging To Him When He Needs Space
When he needs space and you feel really down about it, don’t punish him by also withdrawing or accusing him of being emotionally unavailable and beyond, and don’t start to cling.
When a man pulls back, it’s natural to feel like your world is suddenly shaken up. This feeling can bring up abandonment issues and it can make us panic about losing him. When we feel panicky and scared, we reach out. We start to express love and profess devotion, and we apologize for past injustices on our part. However, this is a form of rewarding bad behavior.
You don’t want to give a man more attention when he needs space; do this when he’s trying to please you and is available to love you. Sometimes we take those good-behavior moments for granted and it’s important that you don’t.
Focus On Re-Directing Your Core
It’s common when a woman falls in love that her energy core begins to revolve around him, like the Earth around the sun. When your man needs space, this can be a beautiful opportunity to re-direct your energy core toward things that were important to you before the relationship swung in and altered everything.
Focus on loving yourself during this time, too. Be gentle with yourself and provide room to feel all of those panicky feelings. Don’t act on them, but feel them; be a witness to them happening inside you and respect them without self-judgment.
You can also make a conscious effort to learn some self-soothing skills, so that you are less inclined to call him and are better equipped to deal with rejection and uncertainty in other areas of your life.
Is He An Emotionally Available Man? Ask Him This!
Dating Advice For Women: Don’t waste precious baby-making time on a guy who fools you into thinking he’s an emotionally available man!
Love addicts make it hard to know if a guy is an emotionally available man: they wine you, dine you, tell you very intimate details of their past, they profess their undying love early on and some even talk about marriage in the first three months. Love addicts make you think that they are emotionally available superheroes.
So how can you tell if a man is truly available for love and commitment and instead just making empty promises, promises he will break in a few months when the honeymoon stage wears away?
The Emotionally Available Man Knows His Emotional Needs
An emotionally available man knows two things: what his needs are in a relationship and how to communicate them.
An emotionally UNavailable man will not be in touch with his emotional needs and therefore will be clueless as to how to get what he wants in a relationship.
Emotionally unavailable men are limited in the emotional intimacy department because they don’t have a strong connection with their feelings. They don’t know when they are feeling sad, hurt, vulnerable, scared, etc. Even when they are in touch with feelings like anger, they are unaware as to why they are angry—they think it has to do with something outside of them (like something you did) instead of something inside of them (like something that reminds them of childhood abandonment.) So they go from relationship to relationship, hoping the next woman will better understand them; the truth, however, is that they don’t understand themselves.
Emotionally Unavailable Men Feel Trapped & Angry In Relationships Because They Don’t Want To Feel Their Emotional Neediness
Emotionally unavailable men have been emotionally starved for a long time—usually their whole life. They are emotionally unavailable for a reason and that reason is most likely that their caretakers weren’t attentive and were shaming to their emotional needs.
When a man spends his life out of touch with his feelings and his needs in love (to be touched, loved, heard, respected, validated, etc.) he longs for those needs to be met WHILE ALSO avoiding relationships that provide those needs.
But why would he avoid relationships that provide those needs?
An emotionally unavailable man avoids good relationships because they is force him to face his hunger. Facing that hunger is too painful! It’s too painful to face all the years that went by without his needs having been met.
He doesn’t know how to have healthy needs or how to have healthy boundaries. His hunger is so strong; it angers him to need you at all. He will either pull away from you or become dependent on you in controlling ways.
An emotionally unavailable man’s anger is so deep, he may not even feel his rage, he’ll just feel trapped, bored and irritated by you.
The Question To Ask A Guy To Know If He Is An Emotionally Available Man
To avoid the love addicts, try asking a man you are dating this question:
What are your needs in a relationship with a woman?
- If he doesn’t know them or says simply “To please a woman”, he’s probably not an emotionally available man. (Pleasing a woman is important to a man but can’t be his only need.)
- If he has unrealistic needs (“I need to feel head over heels. I need to feel whatever it is YOU are giving me, baby.”), he’s a love addict.
- If he gets angry and throws the question back at you (“What kind of question is that to ask a man?”) he’s probably not an emotionally available man.
- If he mostly mentions things that have more to do with you NOT needing him (“I need space, silence, a woman who stays off my back, etc.”), he’s probably not an emotionally available man.
- If he sticks to mentioning a bunch of superficial things like a woman’s looks and cooking ability, he’s probably emotionally unavailable.
- If his list is limited to attraction, great sex, hot chemistry, etc. he’s the kind of emotionally unavailable man who confuses sex for love.
And if he rattles off a lot of things that sound smothering to you (“I need a woman to never leave my side, to give me guidance in my life, etc.), he may swing too far the other way and be emotionally needy.
An Emotionally Available Man Will Answer The Question With Curiosity & Ease
If a guy is marriage-minded and is truly an emotionally available man, this question won’t push his buttons. He will respect the question and will answer it. You’ll probably hear him say that he needs things like good communication, honesty, affection, laughter, spontaneity, emotional support, kindness, etc.
An emotionally available man will also ask you what you need—and he will listen. But make sure he answers you first and doesn’t turn the question around, because that’s a sign that he isn’t comfortable with his emotional needs and will probably end up emotionally unavailable in the relationship. A man can only cater and give without addressing his own needs for so long; he soon gets resentful.
Are YOU Emotionally Available?
How would you answer if a man asked you this question?
Would you feel uncomfortable responding honestly and with vulnerable answers? Would you rattle off demands, sounding controlling and too bossy?
What feeling is stirred in you when you think about this question? Is the feeling that of relief that someone would care? Anger that you’ve gone hungry too long? Is it a powerful feeling– that you can be a diva and voice your diva-requests? Do you feel walled-off, afraid of the idea of voicing needs such as touches and tenderness?
Pay attention to your own feelings and think about why you may have negative feelings (or feelings of power and control) around this question. Because, if you feel negatively (or rigid and bossy) around this question, a man will sense that every time he tries to provide your emotional needs.
Sign up for my Goddess Advice Newsletter and learn how to start feeling comfortable receiving from a man. Men need to feel like they can provide, and a woman who is comfortable receiving (melting into a man’s touch, saying ‘thank you’ to a compliment, etc.) turns men on! The newsletter will also give you more insight into your attraction to EU men and how to spot an emotionally available man from across the room! Stop wasting time in love and start setting the stage for a healthy relationship with a man who knows how to be a forever-partner!
The Secret Tool That Will Keep Him Interested
Article I write for YourTango.com
Is the man you love distancing himself from you? Does something feel “off” about his behavior in your relationship? If you feel chronically distraught about the state of things and are desperately trying to keep him interested, you may actually be pushing him further away.
If you are pushing him away, it’s not your fault. We women have been trained to treat men like prizes. When we have a good man in our grasp, we can’t help but worry that we might lose him. It’s like we are in a constant state of worry, wondering if today is going to be the day that we are rejected and put back out there on the brutal dating scene.
Obsessive Thoughts About How To Keep Him Interested
Our emotions get so entangled in a man’s every move. Deep down we know that if we could just keep him interested and snag his attention, everything about our lives would be okay.
I used to feel this way. I put so much pressure on myself to behave the “right” way. I quietly had agonized over what I should reply back to a man in a text message, or how long I should wait to call him. I had nagged my friends with questions about when to bring up a chat with a man about something like commitment or whether it was okay if I planned a date.
I worried about this when I was married too: “Why is he in a bad mood, is it something I did?”; “Should I wake him up to talk about my feelings or should I let him sleep?”; “What can I do to grab his attention and keep him interested so that I can avoid losing him to another woman?”
When Your Self-Esteem Suffers
Constantly worrying about a man’s lack of interest in the relationship can make you crazy. You soon start to question everything you do and you feel like nothing you do for him is going to ultimately keep his interest.
It’s draining and exhausting to work so hard at love. It also makes you feel jealous and irritated. You start comparing yourself to other women and beating yourself up over each and every flaw. You feel like you could somehow keep his interest if you were more perfect in a hundred different ways: better looking, better in bed, funnier, more smiley, more confident on dates… and the list goes on.
Soon it feels like dating a guy is like being a contestant on a beauty pageant, or worse, on The Bachelor.
But What If…
What if you never had to worry about how to keep him interested? What if men were more interested in dating and pursuing you than you currently are interested in keeping him?
It all starts with you. I know it feels like it’s all about him and managing his feelings. But it’s actually your level of self-worth that dictates everything in your love life.
The truth is that you are a goddess. And, you can have a love life worthy of a goddess.
Raising Your Self-Esteem
When you are entirely focused on a man he can feel it. He can sense that there is tremendous pressure on him to make you happy. It’s a sixth sense telling him that your emotions are totally dependent on his.
This feels ‘heavy’ for him. And it makes you unattractive because he translates it to mean that your self-worth is wrapped up entirely in him.
Soon he goes from being emotionally heavy about something outside the relationship to emotionally heavy because of the relationship. It’s like you’ve done it to yourself: your preoccupation with trying to keep his interest has pushed him further away.
The key is to flip things around. The key is to stop seeing him as the prize and start finding a way to feel like a prize worthy of any man.
Ahhh, To Feel Like A Goddess
Next time you around your man, instead of fixating on the lonely, rejected, scared feelings and on all your strategies to keep him interested, put the focus back on you.
Imagine your heart pouring over with love, love that is beyond beautiful. Imagine that your love is sparkly and shiny pink, like pink glitter and that your heart can POP like a piñata and pink glitter can just burst into the air.
Imagine all that pink, glittery love twinkling as it flutters to the floor– lighting up the world with rose-colored, festive, soulful goddess love!
Goddess Love Help: He Wants Space? Now What?
He Wants Space & You Want Him! Time To Breathe & Tell Him How You Feel Before He Takes His Time Away!
If a man has recently told you that he wants space from you and the relationship, I know how you feel. I’ve been in a few dating relationships with men who have taken space. Sometimes it seems like a man is 100% devoted to dating you and then, all of a sudden, out of the blue (without any real relationship problems), he wants space. I was heartbroken and shocked each time this happened to me.
Now it’s time for you to follow my love help advice and soothe your heartache and worries. It’s time for you to reclaim your life and find your grounding so that you don’t reach out to him and you don’t fall into a well of darkness and low self-esteem like I did countless times before in my past.
What To Tell Him When He Wants Space
When he wants space, you have to give him space. You have to respect his wishes and his needs. It doesn’t mean you have to like that he wants space.
So, how do you respect his desire for distance while still being honest about your feelings? It’s simple. You tell him how you feel.
Do you feel worried that he’ll never come back? Tell him. Do you feel angry that he “slapped” you with this from what seems like left field? Tell him. Do you doubt whether you want to stay with him if he does come back? Tell him. Are you worried that you did something wrong that caused him to claim he wants space? Tell him.
Tell him everything you feel—all of it is safe to say; he won’t run further away. The key is in the DELIVERY. It’s all about the VIBE you have when you speak with him and in the SPECIFIC WORDS you choose when speaking to him.
My Love Help To You: Focus On Your Vibe
When you talk to him after he wants space, you have to have grounded energy. You have to resist the urge to pull him toward you. Practice planting your feet in the ground and imagining that there are roots coming out of the earth, climbing up your legs.
Imagine that these roots are filled with loving, soothing, calming and comforting “soul food” that nurture you as if you are part of the plant. So every time you feel the inclination to beg him, plead to him, cry to him, or even to shut down and wall off—I want you to use this dating advice for women VISUAL to help you stay openhearted and still in one place. Make it so that he can come and go and you aren’t going to interfere by chasing him or pushing him away.
It’s like raising a child. When you sit back and let the child come to you and tell the child that you are there for him when and if he needs you, he will come closer and closer. When you are an overbearing caretaker (or a neglecting one), the child develops an insecure attachment with you. He also can feel unsafe with you—that you are a burden to him emotionally because you are so overbearing.
Be the kind of mother who is available and “at peace” in her heart when you are talking with your man. Feel secure in your attachment to the earth so that you don’t fall victim to panicking about losing him.
The Specific Words You Use When Talking To Him
When you speak with him you have to not only stay grounded and unwavering in your ability to let him come and go without your interference, you also have to use words that he can hear—words that are effective at communicating your TRUTH.
Stick to talking about your feelings. You can talk about your feelings for him and your feelings surrounding the fact that he wants space. You should avoid blame and any words that negate his need for space.
Do say things like:
I love you and I’m sorry if I hurt you.
I appreciate our relationship and I do care about your feelings.
I will miss you during this time but I want to respect your wishes.
Right now I am angry, confused, sad, pissed, going crazy inside, etc.
I don’t know if I can wait for you but I think I’ll try.
I am scared that you are going to leave for good but I will be okay no matter what.
Don’t say things like:
You can’t do this to me!
Fine! Well then, I don’t want to be with you anymore! (when you do)
You are an a**hole, a commitment phobic jerk, an emotionally unavailable piece of ****, etc.
I won’t be okay if you leave me.
Once He’s Taken Space, You Have To Back Off
When he wants space, it’s time for you to refocus your energy on the parts of your life that have been neglected because of this dating relationship. What are you passions outside of him? Who are your friends and family members whom you haven’t seen in a while?
Dust off all the part of you that have been set aside because of the relationship.
Take Gentle Care Of Number #1– YOU
Do the very best to take care of yourself at this time. Take one day at a time and be very tender, loving, easy and forgiving with yourself.
Try to see his space as a time to self-reflect. What are the issues that you bring to a relationship that need some altering:
Are you too needy?
Do you commit yourself to guys too soon?
Do you pick the wrong guys?
Are you susceptible to being treated like a doormat?
Do you struggle with sticking up for yourself with men?
Do you have issues with knowing your personal boundaries?
Are you unable to be receptive and available when a man is emotionally available?
Are you brimming with uncontained, hostile emotion that is scary for a man?
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Like I said—be gentle with yourself when he wants space. However, take the focus off wondering and worrying about him and about how he reacted to you and how he might need something else than what you offer, and instead ask yourself if you are happy with the way you’ve acted in the relationship.
So when asking yourself if you are too needy or too nice, don’t think about it from his point of view and what you think are his preferences. Think about it from your perspective. Think about whether you would date you.
Don’t Allow Yourself To Be A Victim When He Wants Space
If you feel like his need for space is triggering some abandonment issues inside you, it’s time to face those issues. Telling yourself things like; “I can’t live without him” and “I feel like I’m worthless now that he’s left” are somewhat normal feelings but too much of that thinking is very unhealthy!
Sometimes when he wants space, we start to romanticize the relationship and our feelings for him grow and grow the more he hurts us and ignores us. Be sure not to start marinating in the pain of his unavailability. Make sure not to be giving him more love and attention (even if it’s just in your mind) when he is distant than when he is available.
Some women have issues with this. They actually only get really “hooked” on the guy when he is pulling back. If you notice that you are giving far more attention to a man when he is drifting away from you than when he is available and eager to show you love and affection, you have to face the fact that you may have issues with intimacy.
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You to read about my Enchantress Secrets. These secrets are like “goddess love help” rules to follow with men that will not only keep you feeling empowered, grounded and armed with the right words to affect him, they will also get you the kind of guy who deserves you, faces the music with solid communication and doesn’t just say he wants space when it’s probably not warranted.
How To Act When He Takes Space In The Relationship
Does your man seem to have “left the building” in your relationship? Maybe he’s asked for space in the relationship or just doesn’t pick up the phone as much any more.
If you know that he is into you and is capable of a committed, loving relationship, chances are that this space is a good thing. (If he seems like he has commitment issues and has been doing the hot then cold routine with you, it’s not a good thing and it’s time to say “adios.”)
When a man pulls back, sometimes it’s because he needs breathing room to objectively evaluate the relationship. Men are thinkers and are in their heads (it’s that masculine energy) and when they get too caught up in emotions, they step back to recoup and assess the situation.
The important thing is that you deal with his need for space in the right way. I often tell women to do one thing for the relationship in order not to feel totally out of control, such as write him a letter expressing her love and letting him know that she understands; however, I also tell women not to be too accommodating during this time.
When a man takes space and that space feels yucky to you, in a way, it’s bad behavior on his part. Don’t reward him for bad behavior. You don’t have to punish him either and please don’t, but just don’t give him tons of your energy and attention (good or bad) when he takes space.
Try To Find Your Safe Space Within The Relationship
While your man takes space to do what he has to do to take care of himself, I want you to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. You already know that leaning on him and seeking him out to ease your distress isn’t a viable option. So what can you do to help ease your anxiety?
You can focus your energy outside the relationship. You can give yourself plenty of space to feel your feelings without self-judgment (stop beating yourself up about having fears or labeling yourself needy and insecure.) You can keep a diary and write endless letters to him in the diary (just don’t send them because you need to honor his need for space). DO whatever you feel you have to do to get through the separation. Please try best you can to do things that soothe you instead of things that stir up more feelings of abandonment or rejection.
When He Comes Back
When he calls you, don’t run to him. Don’t accept him back right away or cry to him about how awful everything was without him. Just stay still and calm and let him come to you. Be inviting and welcoming but also be honest. Tell him that you were hurting, “I understand why you took space, but please understand that I felt uncertain and sad. I don’t want to feel this way again. Do you understand my feelings?”
Let him do the work to come back to you. You allowed him to have space, now it’s his turn to come toward you and make you feel safe again. This DOESN’T mean that you make him jump through hoops to “test out” and “earn you”, this simply means that you stay still and honor any reservations you may have about his disappearing act by speaking up and taking time to reincorporate him back into your life.
When you take the time to reincorporate him, you avoid the ‘ol “one foot on the gas, one on the brakes” routine. See, you miss him and really want to see him, but if you run back to him, there will be another part of you that will push him away with equal force because he hurt you and broke your trust. You’ll cry, pick fights, shut down and get brittle. It’s best to avoid this roller coaster of opposing emotions and simply takes things at a slower pace.
To learn how to set the pace of the relationship in a way that feels good to you and to him (bringing you both closer to each other at the same time), check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. It explains how women have to be vulnerable and soft while still being firm and direct. It will help you feel empowered and take his disappearing act less personally. Because his need for space in the relationship really isn’t about you, it’s about him and how he processes intimacy and closeness.