Compromise Vs. Being A Pleaser

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There’s a big difference between compromising for a relationship and being a pleaser.


When you compromise for a relationship, you feel closer to the man and don’t feel angry about adapting for his needs.  When you compromise, you feel happy to do for him because he’s doing for you too.  When you’re a pleaser, you feel insecure and needy.  Being a pleaser is manipulative and pushes men away.  It leaves you confused about where you end and he begins.


Self Esteem Issues


Sometimes a bad relationship can rip away our self-esteem and make us think that we have to work hard to keep a man.  You should never work to keep a man.  You can work at a relationship, but not for love.  If you feel like you are exhausted from carrying all the emotion, stress and other weight of the relationship, then chances are you’re being a pleaser.


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Sometimes we get into bad relationships because we are comfortable in the role of pleaser.  If you have been used to ‘doing a dance’ to keep your loved ones happy and connected with you, then you are going to seek out men who have more feminine energy in the relationship.  By feminine energy, I mean that they are going to do less for the relationship and reap the benefits of your hard work.  The one who does the work in the relationship (the planning, the laughing, the talking, the cooking, the calling, the texting, etc.) is the one who has the more masculine energy in the relationship.  As a woman you should aim to do less and appreciate more.  He should do more and reap the rewards of your approval and praise.


The Pleaser Is Annoying


When you act like a pleaser, you eventually become a doormat, and nothing is more irritating than having a doormat in your life.  I should know, I was the doormat in many relationships and I was annoyed of myself.  I’ve let many a man step all over me.  It wasn’t their fault though.  Yes, they were rather insensitive to lead me on when they weren’t interested getting too greedy with my offerings) but I was the one allowing myself to be treated poorly.  Actually, I usually offered myself up to be treated that way; “Here I am.  Walk all over me, baby!”


If you feel like a doormat and are acting like a yes-woman, don’t beat yourself up about it.  It’s only human to feel that need to hold on tight to a relationship when the man starts to drift.  Once he seems less interested, we overcompensate to keep the relationship alive (filling in the spaces where he has gone lax) and then he gets annoyed at our insecurity and pulls back further.  Every person has been through some form of this push-pull dynamic, so don’t feel like you’re an idiot or a loser or needy.  You aren’t.  You’re just stuck in a bad way.


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The truth is that you don’t want to love a man who has no empathy for you and your insecure feelings.  A good man will recognize when you are feeling insecure and will help you to feel empowered.  He’ll talk with you about he’s feelings and needs, or at least won’t make you feel annoying.  If he loves you, he’ll want you not to suffer because of him.


HOWEVER, we are all still human and no one wants someone hanging around like some eager beaver who is ready to jump at your request.  It’s been shown in psychological studies that we are more mean, abusive, sadistic with people who are more weak, victimized and masochistic.  So show him that you have personal boundaries and that you expect to be treated in a way that makes you feel more confident. Talk to him about how to you feel (“I feel insecure in this relationship and I don’t want to feel like this.  What do you suggest we do?”)  If you are afraid he’ll say goodbye, then let him.  You don’t need that.  You need a man who loves you, wants you, and wants you to be happy with him.


When To Compromise For A Relationship


Real commitment is about compromise.  That whole thing about two soul mates coming together and everything being rosy without any work is legend.  I’ve never heard of a happy couple that didn’t work at their relationship.  Actually, I knew one couple where the wife claimed that love was so easy and that she and her husband just understood each other without ever having to talk things through.  He left her after 3 years of marriage.


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Compromise is great when it’s rewarding.  It should be hard and uncomfortable at times but it should be worth it.  If you feel like your relationship is going nowhere or that you are the only one in the couple doing anything to adapt to the needs of the relationship, then you have a problem.  Your man should be as willing as you to work on himself for the sake of the relationship.  If he puts a higher priority on his autonomy and his male freedoms than on your love, then just know that you are always going to feel a hint of disappointment.  Are you willing to live with that?


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1 Comment

  1. FredH says:

    Great article, I agree. People who keep on pleasing is rather annoying. I remember, because I used to be a constant pleaser. Thanks to a few people who mentioned this to me, I am no longer one.

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