Pop psychology loves to pump people full of romanticized faith: poetic photographs with quotes preaching positivity on friends’ Facebook pages; the word ‘hope’ carved into pocket-size stones and spelled out in rhinestones on hundred-dollar bracelets. And why not? Why not encourage a little optimism, especially in love? With a dismal divorce rate and couples having less and less faith in long-term commitment, why not push people to trust a bit more?
My coaching is all about having an open heart with men. I encourage women to have a little-girl heart when dating or in a relationship: find your childlike whimsy, feel your emotions fully and live in the present moment. But what I don’t want women to do, and what often happens is, women hold onto false hope.
Don’t Stay Optimistic About Love As An Excuse To Continue A Bad Relationship
Has Mr. Unavailable been hanging around, staying just out of reach but close enough to make your mouth water?
You can’t stop thinking about him, strategizing on how you can get him to come just a little closer and realize his true feelings for you. You not only remain optimistic about love, you remain a champion fighter for the cause. You STUFF DOWN all the yucky, negative feelings. Especially the anger– oh boy, you sure don’t want him to see that slimy black gook. You even fight back the tears and the heaviness and you make a promise to yourself that you will be more fun, more exciting and sexier next time you are around him. You wrap yourself into a pretzel trying to cater to all his apparent needs and be that source of unconditional love in his life he’s never known.
But the reality is that your negative feelings don’t just disappear when you ignore them long enough; they go somewhere. They are very patient li’l buggers, hanging out in the depths of your soul, waiting for a vulnerable moment to break free and blow up to the surface. You end up blowing up at Mr. Unavailable, experiencing emotional roller coaster rides every time he disappoints you, and you end up acting passive aggressive or needy.
Sometimes Believing In The Brighter Side Of A Bad Boy Leaves You In Total Darkness
We all know when we are dating (or even married to) Mr. Unavailable: we know he’s got a glitch in the empathy processing systems in his brain; we know he’s a man boy who can’t seem to hold himself accountable to anything; we know intimacy terrifies the crap out of him and that he cheats or disappears for days. Yet we hold onto faith. We get on the computer and pluck “believe in love” memes from Google Images; we buy books, eBooks and ePrograms to help us seduce him into our arms. The problem is that he will never come. He can’t. He doesn’t have the tools in his toolbox.
Be Optimistic About Finding Real Love
Sometimes the best faith we can have is in a power higher than ourselves, and I’m not talking about God. I’m talking about the power of true love. I’m talking about having the faith to continue dating a guy you know is a good man and would make a stable and committed partner even when you don’t initially feel the attraction, the chemistry, the spark. If you have FAITH in the power of love, you can stay in that dating relationship and trust that mutual attraction will happen over time. Because it will. (It’s about having faith in your intuition, in your ability to create something that goes deeper than chemical romance. It’s about believing that you are worth more than being kept at a distance by a limited man.)
Use your intuition and be honest with yourself about men who are lost causes, but don’t become paranoid and ditch a guy at the first sign of a red flag. Take your time with guys and trust that if you relax on dates, enjoy yourself (while still holding back from sleeping with him too soon or getting too emotionally invested early on), the truth of who a guy is will slowly reveal itself. A wolf in sheep’s clothing will soon let a whisker or claw pop through if he’s comfortable enough with you. If this happens, don’t panic. You’ll live. Have faith that you can bounce back from him; believe that not all men are wolves and that love is waiting for you. That’s truly being optimistic about love!
Time To Be Vulnerable Without Being Susceptible
The fastest way to a broken heart is to pretend you don’t have one. Charlie Sheen said that. Knowing his reputation, it’s obvious that he has a lot of experience with playing games and what kind of woman is susceptible to his limitations. If you act hard, brittle, distrusting; if you play games with men because you think that’s the way to find love, you are going to end up burned. I guarantee you that however fantastic you think your game is, there is a Mr. Unavailable who has a better game. You have feelings, you have needs, you have a tenderness that yearns for tender protection. Don’t play with emotionally unavailable men—they will scar your scars.
Instead, play zero games. And be vulnerable with EVERY man. Not susceptible, but vulnerable. This will train you to trust your boundaries and know what feels good and what feels awful. The way I want you to be vulnerable is to communicate your feelings and allow men, even the Mr. Unavailables, to see your feelings. I ask that you are open with your heart and emotions in every conversation you have with a man. Have faith in yourself and in your boundaries to always speak the truth about how someone or something makes you feel. And do it in a way that invites men closer to you…
Open-Hearted Communication: What To Say & How
The best communication is the easiest and most direct. To use words to create instant intimacy takes a lot of vulnerability, softness, kindness, and, wait for it… optimism. It takes trust that more men will respond lovingly than not, and it takes trust to know that no matter how a man reacts to hearing your feelings, you are going to survive and be okay. You can’t control a man’s reaction, but you can control how you act and how much dignity you emanate.
photo source: livelifehappy.com
Breathe, find your grounding and state your feelings in a soft, revealing tone that lacks judgment or bitterness. If you accomplished this, you’ll be so alluring, you’ll be able to tell a man that you’re “so angry you want to stab him with a kitchen knife” and he’ll still offer you a hug. (I mean it, it’s happened to me with my man. And I was holding a knife at the time.)
Examples of open-hearted communication:
“I feel sad and angry when you disappear on me for days.”
“I feel really good when a man kisses me hello, thank you for doing that.”
“I feel uncomfortable on first dates but I’m working through it.”
The best communication requires that you be optimistic about the end result, which isn’t his reaction, but how you are going to feel about yourself for being so open and truthful.
If you want to learn more communication tips, sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter. In it, I talk extensively about vulnerability vs. susceptibility and how to be a soft, sensual and luscious woman while still remaining strong in your beliefs and boundaries. If you want to be optimistic about love, you have to share who you are without losing who you are to an emotionally unavailable man