When I was single and “out there,” I knew NOTHING about empowered dating advice for women.
I was weak in my heart and outwardly mean toward men—I thought that good dating tips for women were to be a bitchy diva or act uninterested, even if you were terrified inside that one would walk all over you.
Of course, most of them ended up doing just that– realizing that my diva attitude was just a front, a “beware of dog sign” that hung on the gates of a pet-free home!
The truth was that I was totally alone in a crazy, scary world. I felt like I didn’t have a partner to help me through my problems and listen to my concerns and fears. It didn’t help that I was also recently divorced– coming out of a marriage is harder than losing a boyfriend who never lived life “with” you.
I wanted nothing more than to just find a mate and feel cozy, safe and warm in a loving relationship filled with laughter, smiles and supportive tears. That deep desire, mixed with all that loneliness and fear, stopped me from allowing a man inside. It didn’t stop me from dating and getting out there, looking, looking, searching, scouring… but it did stop me from feeling open for love.
Does this sound familiar? Are you putting yourself out there by getting online, going to bars, going anywhere where there are men, while also feeling like your fears and your deep need for a partner are making you brittle and walled off to these men that you hunt down? If so, let’s talk about Empowered Dating tips for women!
Empowered Dating Tips For Women #1: Drop The Swag Seeking
So you want to find this yummy man to make a cozy nest with—well, let’s talk about how to get there. Firstly, what are you looking for in a man? Are you seeking out a man who WANTS to nest? Are you seeking out a man who is emotionally, spiritual and even somewhat financially CAPABLE of nesting?
If you want a cozy family life, ditch the swag. I can’t tell you how many women come to me, asking, “Where are all these emotionally available men you talk about?” I always say the same thing. They are everywhere, you’ve just been burning all your energy on swagger guys who you knew months, even years ago, weren’t good for you!!
Don’t waste energy, time, heartache on limited men and then feel down on yourself—Why am I alone? Why don’t I have a man who loves me?
Emotionally available and commitment-friendly men are all around you and women are getting married to them everyday! Yes, the divorce rate is nearly 50% for women under 35; however, if you look at that from a positive angle, it means that there are millions of men who are getting married and staying married.
Most women will change their entire love lives by making one shift; when you stop trying to change the guys that don’t naturally fit the nesting mold, everything else falls into place. When you stop trying to convert men—arguing with them, staying silent hoping they will change, making plans for a life with a guy who isn’t showing you that he’s ready; looking for looks and status over security and loyalty—that’s when you make yourself available for the good guys.
Next time you meet a guy who seems like he’s not ready to pair up with a woman—walk away. Just start walking away at the first sign. Date one, date two, five, seven…
When he says, “I don’t know what I want or when I’ll want it,” go– without fear, without resentment, without judgment, just “Goodbye” with a polite smile.
No talking with friends about it, no going online to find solutions to fixing him, etc. I call it Unplugging. Just unplug from him—physically not seeing him, talking to him, talking about him, getting angry, hurt, etc. Just dropping him and all the drama, emotion surrounding him and saying, “Next!” Just kill him off in your head.
***If you’ve been with him for more than 6 months, it’s going to be harder. It’s going to be a challenge to walk and I understand that. Don’t think that when I tell you to unplug, that I think changing men is as easy as changing underwear. I just want women to not get their hearts involved with a limited man when they know the guy is limited. If you’re already in love, take the unplugging slowly—more like a gentle untangling—but don’t let it happen to you again!
Empowered Dating Tip #2: ‘Fondue’ Yourself!
Remember when I said that I was walled off to men when I was dating? It’s important that you don’t make men think that you are unapproachable or stony.
If you want to make a cozy, loving, silly, fun and inspiring nest with a man, you have to show him from the jump that you are open to that. How is he to assume that your emotional walls are going to crumble when you get to know him better? He’s not. He’s going to think that you are just a cold, walled-off person.
The only man who will take stony on is a limited man. An emotionally available man won’t go for the walled-up thing—he’s looking for a warm, sweet, loving, tender, grounded woman who will be his yummy nesting partner!
So how do you stop feeling so brittle and walled off? You have to create a life that feels good and yummy and nest-like without a man. That way, you will feel good about yourself and the spiritual, softer side of your life no matter what blows through the door. You won’t have so much on the line and therefore you will have more boundaries and will be willing to open up a little bit.
Lots of times when we get brittle or cold, it’s because we are sooo sensitive and vulnerable right under the surface and we try to guard and protect ourselves from more pain and hurt.
When you are loving the tender side of life with good, friends; a happy, tidy house with flowers in every room and clean, healthy food on the table; a job that doesn’t kill your spirit; time for silence via meditation or just walks in nature; a hobby that makes you smile; and a self-image that makes you feel warm and toasty in your body; a desire for intimacy with a man, not some status symbol partner—that’s when you will melt around men.
That’s when you will enjoy them, like they are frosting on your fabulous life-cake; instead of resent them for having so much power over you. That’s when you “fondue” yourself—that’s what I call it when you just relax and feel inviting, soft, velvety and sexy around a man.
Empowered Dating Tip #3: Find Your Inner LOVE For Men
Yes, some men are assholes (Assclowns as the wonderful Natalie Lue of BaggageReclaim.com puts it); however, some men are amazing. Some are nice and sweet and gentlemanly.
Men are just as scared of women as women are of men. They don’t understand us, either. They don’t know why we get angry, sad, needy, fickle… how we can cry at the drop of a hat. They say that they hate our emotions, but they don’t. They LOVE our emotions. They are just afraid of them. They are afraid of hurting us and making us emotional. They are afraid that they won’t know what to say when we cry and try to lean on their shoulder. And many of them have bad experiences with the emotions of women.
Understand their fear. Don’t get mad at them for it. Don’t buy into a man’s grumpy, grouchy words about women and our “mystery based on irrationality.” Don’t let their fear shut you down or make you hide your feelings or think that you have to come across as some emotionless “equal” to them.
In fact, let it do the opposite. Be the woman who “owns” all her feelings and shows men how to get in touch with their own sensitivity and vulnerability. Show men that feminine energy is equal to masculine energy, but the power it holds is different. Show men that femininity is safe and florid and hassle-free.
Empowered Dating Tip #4: Be Transparent!
When I tell you to be yourself with a man, I don’t mean for you to be a bitch or a loud-mouthed tough cookie who is going to “say it like it is and f**k what others say!” That’s not you—that’s fear trying to disguise itself as sass.
What I mean is to always let your inner world match your outer world in a mindful and feminine way: be transparent! Don’t hide your thoughts and feelings. Speak up and speak clearly. If you are sad, angry, and anxious—share those feelings.
Don’t do it in a masculine way—by that I mean don’t try to solve your feelings or analyze them. Just share them.
When you can let your inner world flow out like beautiful, glowing, molten lava, you have a hypnotic effect on a man. He thinks, “Who is this woman who is so open and in touch with her soft side and her dark side. She is a mystery, an enigma, a beautiful symbol of life being lived at it’s fullest.”
When you share without getting dramatic and overemotional to the point of not being about to control what you say and how it’s said, he can come closer and closer because you aren’t the scary emotional women of his past!
Hold tight for more Empowered Dating tips. Until then, remember to look for available men simply by ignoring the unavailable ones; make a nest for yourself without him and you will feel more comfortable and feminine around men; find a way to love men and not let them ruffle your feathers and most importantly, be transparent (your insides and outsides are the same.)
My eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You is a dating tips for women guidebook that’s all about finding your Female Fire and making that nest for yourself without a man. It’s also enchantress LOVE HELP, showing you how to act with men so that you immediately pull the good men toward you and “fall away” from the emotionally unavailable men!