If you’re out there on the dating scene, finding Mr. Right can be an extra-difficult challenge for women with bad pickers.
If you have a propensity to pick emotionally unavailable men, it might be best to stop going for the guys who initially get you hot. You are going to have to stop listening to your hormones because if you don’t make a conscious, careful effort to change the type of man you like, you probably will continue to pick Mr. Unavailable again and again.
Humans are prone to seek out the familiar; if you have been molded since childhood to deal with emotionally unavailable people (one or both of your caretakers) then you already have the li’l soliders inside you who are prepared for that battle. Know those people who love extreme sports? Most people would say, “Why do thrill-seekers want to put their bodies at risk like that?”
Well, adrenaline junkies not only crave the rush, they have been “trained” in that nervous feeling from childhood. Something about their childhoods lead them to believe large amounts of nerves and excitement were normal, and now, without it, they are more prone to depression.
The Bad Boy Habit Is Ingrained In You—It’s Almost Not A Choice
If you are an adrenaline junkie whose extreme sport is putting up with emotionally unavailable men, it’s time to unwrap yourself from that habit. This is NOT an easy thing to do. In fact, it’s a really hard, uncomfortable and nerve-provoking thing to do.
The reason you probably like bad boys has a lot to do with the amount of intimacy you can tolerate. If you didn’t have a healthy attachment to anyone growing up—an attachment that made you feel emotionally safe, supported and attended to—you aren’t going to know how to go looking for that in a man. How could you know what that feels like and looks like if you never had it?
Well, I think you DO know what it looks like and feels like–you were born all-loving, all-trusting… You were born pure and openhearted. It’s your job now to go back to that. (A great book on the subject is Marianne Williamson’s A Return To Love.)
However, it’s very nerve-wracking to take that journey back to your childlike innocence because it requires trust in the unfamiliar. You’ve been doing you for so long, most the choices you make that you think are conscious are heavily influenced by unconscious feelings. You look at a guy across a bar and think that you choose him, but your body has chose him long before your mind made a choice.
He’s got that familiar vibe about him. It’s his looks, his energy, his smell… you are making choices about him from the moment he’s in your radar. There was a study done revealing that women choose men who smelled like their fathers. Other studies have revealed similar finding that we are unconsciously seeking out what’s familiar. Here’s a doctor’s take on things from the dailymail.co.uk:
Dr Le explained: ‘If the parent was not consistently nurturing or there for the child, the child will have expectations that their partner can’t be relied upon.
‘Studies show people will choose dissatisfaction if it’s consistent with their expectations, versus things that make them change the way they see the world.’
Dr Harman added: ‘It may or may not be a healthy dynamic, but it feels comfortable. If people don’t have a lot of self-worth because of early parenting, they enter relationships where that person confirms how they already feel about themselves.’
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124531/Why-women-seek-men-like-fathers-couples-happy-marriage-New-book-explains-science-common-relationship-themes.html#ixzz2IMeWaD00
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Time For The Nice Guy
If you want to break-free of a bad boy pattern, then you are going to have to go AGAINST what feel good in order to go for what feels right. Women who like bad boys have their wires crossed. They move away from safe, secure, loving, tender, trusting relationships. Those relationships feel yucky—they feel boring and suffocating.
You are going to have to walk through that to re-cross your wires. You are going to have to tolerate what feels right long enough that it begins to feel good.
The best place to start is with a nice guy. He doesn’t have to be the one. He just has to be emotionally available. He has to be the kind of guy who makes you feel, from the jump, that he’ll call when he says he will and he’ll never leave you with “empty stomach.”
A Nice Guy Isn’t Mr. Abandonment Issues
Some guys who are nice and reliable are also not the kinds of guys whom you want replacing Mr. Unavailable. If a guy is too needy, it can be far too much pressure on a woman who is used to an emotionally detached man. If he is constantly asking if you like him and eagerly nagging to know where the relationship stands after a couple dates, you might not want to date him.
A nice, emotionally-healthy guy won’t put pressure on you (you may feel pressured, but it won’t be from him as much as self-inflicted pressure to tolerate intimacy). He’ll listen to your feelings and not make it just about his need to be comforted, soothed and reassured all the time. A nice guy with little emotional baggage is calm, understanding and direct.
When Finding Mr. Right, Aim To Be His Friend First
It’s important that you take the pressure off yourself when branching out into the world of dating nice guys. The best way to do this is to tell yourself that you are looking to see if you and him have friendship chemistry. You probably won’t be attracted to him at first, but focusing on friendship will help a different type of attraction form– a love connection instead of a lust connection.
Don’t rush physical intimacy. Just see if you enjoy each other’s company. See if you like his way of doing things and the manner in which he handles you. Ask yourself, “Would I be happy with my daughter dating this guy?”
Ask yourself if you think he enjoys having a partner or if he just likes the chase. You will get a sense of him right away. If he seems to be in love with you too soon, he may just be emotionally unavailable. A nice guy who is looking for Mrs. Right will take things slow and will want to know you, not try to create a whirlwind romance around you when he doesn’t even know your last name.
If you give yourself a chance to know him on a friendship level, the physical chemistry will grow. If he is gentlemanly and kind, you will start to feel an attraction for him. Your heart will quickly jump on the bandwagon, because it wants to give love to someone who can give it back!
And if you don’t feel anything for him after about 5-7 dates, then cut bait and continue on your journey toward finding Mr. Right. Don’t stop after just one failed attempt at re-crossing your wires.