How To Act When He Takes Space In The Relationship
Does your man seem to have “left the building” in your relationship? Maybe he’s asked for space in the relationship or just doesn’t pick up the phone as much any more.
If you know that he is into you and is capable of a committed, loving relationship, chances are that this space is a good thing. (If he seems like he has commitment issues and has been doing the hot then cold routine with you, it’s not a good thing and it’s time to say “adios.”)
When a man pulls back, sometimes it’s because he needs breathing room to objectively evaluate the relationship. Men are thinkers and are in their heads (it’s that masculine energy) and when they get too caught up in emotions, they step back to recoup and assess the situation.
The important thing is that you deal with his need for space in the right way. I often tell women to do one thing for the relationship in order not to feel totally out of control, such as write him a letter expressing her love and letting him know that she understands; however, I also tell women not to be too accommodating during this time.
When a man takes space and that space feels yucky to you, in a way, it’s bad behavior on his part. Don’t reward him for bad behavior. You don’t have to punish him either and please don’t, but just don’t give him tons of your energy and attention (good or bad) when he takes space.
Try To Find Your Safe Space Within The Relationship
While your man takes space to do what he has to do to take care of himself, I want you to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. You already know that leaning on him and seeking him out to ease your distress isn’t a viable option. So what can you do to help ease your anxiety?
You can focus your energy outside the relationship. You can give yourself plenty of space to feel your feelings without self-judgment (stop beating yourself up about having fears or labeling yourself needy and insecure.) You can keep a diary and write endless letters to him in the diary (just don’t send them because you need to honor his need for space). DO whatever you feel you have to do to get through the separation. Please try best you can to do things that soothe you instead of things that stir up more feelings of abandonment or rejection.
When He Comes Back
When he calls you, don’t run to him. Don’t accept him back right away or cry to him about how awful everything was without him. Just stay still and calm and let him come to you. Be inviting and welcoming but also be honest. Tell him that you were hurting, “I understand why you took space, but please understand that I felt uncertain and sad. I don’t want to feel this way again. Do you understand my feelings?”
Let him do the work to come back to you. You allowed him to have space, now it’s his turn to come toward you and make you feel safe again. This DOESN’T mean that you make him jump through hoops to “test out” and “earn you”, this simply means that you stay still and honor any reservations you may have about his disappearing act by speaking up and taking time to reincorporate him back into your life.
When you take the time to reincorporate him, you avoid the ‘ol “one foot on the gas, one on the brakes” routine. See, you miss him and really want to see him, but if you run back to him, there will be another part of you that will push him away with equal force because he hurt you and broke your trust. You’ll cry, pick fights, shut down and get brittle. It’s best to avoid this roller coaster of opposing emotions and simply takes things at a slower pace.
To learn how to set the pace of the relationship in a way that feels good to you and to him (bringing you both closer to each other at the same time), check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. It explains how women have to be vulnerable and soft while still being firm and direct. It will help you feel empowered and take his disappearing act less personally. Because his need for space in the relationship really isn’t about you, it’s about him and how he processes intimacy and closeness.
Hello,
I have been dating a man for two months that I have known for 5 years and everything has been wonderful. Lately he has been really stressed out about work and has been acting out in different ways. Now he says he needs space for himself for a couple days because he doesn’t want to continue failing me. He says that he “knows how he gets” when he is stressed and doesn’t want to take anything out on me with mood swings etc…. I told him a few days ago if he feels he needs space from me because we have been moving fast but its because we have grown to love each other and want to be around each other and he says no that he understands why things have been the way they are because we get along so well and are compatible and that he does not need space but now two days later he does? I know his job is important to him and he has a problem balancing things out. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that it’s not “BS” but how do I know and I feel like I am being left out in the cold. He told me that it has nothing to do with us and that he doesn’t want us to end things but that he needs to figure things out regarding the stresses in his life. I understand this but if you are in a relationship etc with someone you shouldn’t just run away right? I know some men can not be happy in their lives if they are not doing what they want to be doing career wise but he senses he’s pushing me away, so why not fight for me? what should I think….he says its not us and there’s no one else but he needs time to think and fix certain things in his life… Give him space? or let him go? I am a patient woman but i have been hurt so many times to know this isn’t a good sign? Please help
I think you should believe him and I think that you are also pushing him away, just like he says he fears he may be doing to you. Stop analyzing him and telling him why he’s afraid or if he’s afraid and just let him take his space– let him go for these days like a balloon you are releasing into the sky. And during that time, try to find your center– your grounding. You seem very anxious about his needing some time to himself and instead of worrying about him, use the space to calm your heart and feel more at peace within yourself. I’m sure that you it feels scary for you because you are getting close to him and have a bad past with men, but a man needing a li’l space isn’t something to worry about on its own. Sometimes people need alone time to process things, especially men. That’s okay– you can’t expect him to have the same attachment style as you, processing and digesting emotions the same way, all the time. The more you pull at him while he needs time, the more you are pushing him away.
You say you are a patient woman– find a way to be patient within yourself– kind to your emotions, understanding of your anxiety and fears and find ways to self-soothe during his need for space. I honestly think you need some space too, so that you don’t start losing yourself in this relationship and get needy.
xx
I want to say that I have read many, many comments, posts and advice regarding this matter of a man asking for “space” and your response by far was the most inspirational & centered response in my spirit… It allowed me to calm my emotions and see myself as a priority…. I viewed the space as a benefit for me as well as my development…. I thank you for your advice…. And I’m going to also read “Red Rosé Woman”, during this time… Thxs again….
I’m so glad my article helped you. It is a benefit for you! Bless you and goodluck with all your goddess endeavors!