How To Get The Relationship You Want– For Smart Successful Women
When asking how to get the relationship you want, you better be sure you are really looking for the right things in a man!
Sometimes I help friends with their dating profiles and I’m always so surprised when I scroll through the other male and female profiles on the dating sites. When asked the question, “What are you looking for in a mate?”, everyone leaves out the most important qualities—those that give you insight into how YOU will be treated.
My friend who I was helping is a very successful lawyer. She is beautiful, smart, sexy, funny and ambitious. We will call her Pam. The problem is that Pam can’t find a good man.
I feel like the problem is that she isn’t going after good men.
Her checklist of what she wants in a man is like a Harvard College application and a GQ man of the year award application all in one. Oh yes, Pam wants it all—looks, smarts, sex appeal, humor, style, money, conviction, faith, etc. She really has high standards and isn’t willing to settle.
And to her credit, Pam is also all those things she is looking for in a mate.
Where The Problem For Successful Women Lies
Successful, smart women need to know what they want out of a relationship and whether it’s realistic. When discovering how to get the relationship you want, you have to be honest with yourself about what that relationship really looks like!
When I asked Pam, “What about how he treats you? What about finding a guy who is looking to put his woman first?” She looked at me for what felt like a long time. She seemed perplexed and annoyed with me, as if I had asked her a dumb question.
“Of course I want a man to treat me right. I don’t have to be his priority because I want a successful man and I want him to put his career and passions above all else. But I also want him to always be there for my needs,” she finally answers.
Then I proceeded to remind her about Homer, Robert and Ben who were guys she dated and broke up with because they were great business men but were also emotionally unavailable. I reminded her that a man, who doesn’t prioritize you, may very well be an emotionally unavailable man who hides his relationship weaknesses behind a great work ethic.
I then told her to think long and hard about what she just said to me she wanted—a man who prioritized his career but was there whenever she needed him to be. Didn’t that mean that he would prioritize her?
It’s okay to have high standards but it’s not okay to be impractical about relationships. It’s okay to want a handsome, rich and successful man but are you willing to put those qualities ABOVE kind, devoted and loyal on your checklist? There probably aren’t too many men out there who are all of these things.
How To Get The Relationship You Want — Be The Person You Want To Find
Pam thinks that she not only deserves a man who is all the things I wrote about in the last paragraph. She also thinks she will find him. I commend her for that but then I also ask, “Is she all those things?”
Pam likes her alone time. She can be bossy and abrupt. She can be patronizing and impatient. She is harsh and sometimes cold. She’s not lovey-dovey and she laughs at me when I talk about feminine energy. I love her dearly as a friend but I’ll be honest and say that I wouldn’t want to date her. And, as it is, I barely get to see her with her busy, hectic schedule.
Would all these qualities be okay for her if she found them in a man? Actually, they wouldn’t be, because she already found three men like this—remember Homer, Robert and Ben? They were a lot like Pam, and I think that the reason that those relationships ended was because her own emotional unavailable encouraged her to seek out and chase emotionally unavailable men until they pushed her away.
If Pam wants a relationship, she needs to know who she really is and what level of intimacy she really can handle. There’s a saying, “Show me who you love and I’ll show you who you are” and I think that is so true.
What Are You Willing To Sacrifice On Your List?
Pam wants a family and she knows that she’s not getting any younger. What is Pam willing to sacrifice for love? Does she really need this high-powered, hot, sexy piece of rich ass? Will she settle for a nice guy with a good job who attends to her needs and feelings like a firefighter to a blaze?
I know what I put high on my list. I know what matters to me and what doesn’t. What are you really looking for in your ideal man? Are you willing to sacrifice those things you think are so important for the things that make a man capable and willing to commit and offer you the kind of love life that feels safe, nurturing and loving?
Will You Be Able To Tolerate Intimacy?
Like I wrote above– Pam is not too emotionally available. Every time a guy tries to really get to know her, woo her, integrate himself in her life, she gets pissy. She gets mean. She starts throwing labels around like “smothering”, “needy”, “pathetic” and “unmanly.” Are you like Pam? Do you think that a man who gives you a lot of attention fits those labels?
If you are quick to run away from a man who shows a real interest in knowing you, you may also have intimacy issues. Heck, maybe you already know you have intimacy issues. If you do know this, I want you to be very honest with yourself and understand that this “perfect” man isn’t going to come out of the woodwork and single-handedly change your relationship patterns. He isn’t going to make you suddenly available for intimacy.
Why do you really think Pam has this fancy, long and detailed Super Stud list anyway? Wouldn’t it be easy to avoid intimacy by looking for a man who doesn’t exist except maybe here and there and in the movies? Isn’t it easier to say, “I’m not afraid of intimacy, I’m just picky because I deserve to be picky!”
I’m not saying I have all the answers, but I have been helping women long enough to see some patterns. What do you think? Do you think Pam should readjust her priorities or do you understand her and agree that she should wait to find a man who is all those things and treats her well and doesn’t prioritize her relationship, but also is available to her whenever she needs him?
How to get the relationship you want is all about how to get to that place where you know what you want, know what you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want.