Here’s an article I wrote for YourTango.com:
Are you in the early stages of dating a man and wondering if he is as serious about you as you are about him?
Are you trying really hard not to ruffle his “commitment feathers” by asking him how he feels about you? Are you, instead, trying your best to show him what a great catch you are by being the sweet, fun-time, easy-breezy gal on the outside (even if you are crumbling with worry and insecurity on this inside)?
Putting the man in front of your feelings and needs may seem like the right thing to do at the beginning of a relationship (hey, don’t we all have irrational fears that aren’t attractive?), but it will actually push him away.
Just because you don’t want to feel insecure, needy, uncomfortable and scared, doesn’t mean that you aren’t feeling that way. And chances are—if you feel these feelings in your budding relationship, he can sense them.
Trying to play the “cool card” when you are anything but, isn’t going to bring him closer. He’s going to smell a disharmonious vibe wafting off you: you say you’re fine but your energy screams, “Do you love me or not, and why don’t you show it more?!”
Instead of the cool card, here are a few ways to help bring him closer while still prioritizing your feelings during the early stages of dating:
In The Early Stages Of Dating: Tell Him Exactly How You Feel Inside
You don’t have to ask about his feelings because that might feel invasive to him, but you can and should tell him about yours. If you are worried about his level of commitment to your relationship or just don’t like the fact that he’s late to pick you up for a date, etc., the best thing you can do is be 100% upfront:
- “I feel so uncertain in this relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship that feels this undefined. It scares me, because I don’t want to fall in love with you and end up sad. Do you understand my concerns?”
- “I feel disrespected. I don’t like to be left waiting for a man. It doesn’t feel good to me.”
If he’s a good guy, he will jump to ease your feelings. He may not offer you a commitment, but he may apologize for making you feel uncertain, or he may just listen in a way that feels nice.
Build Confidence By Holding Off On Exclusivity
I know you like him and you feel like you may be ready to give him a life-long commitment, but are you really sure about that? Lots of times we meet a great guy and chase the commitment. But in reality, we often don’t know him long enough to be sure he’s “the one.”
If he was chasing you for a commitment, would you be the slightest bit hesitant? Probably. You would seriously weigh your options and think hard about how the relationship would work long-term, right?
Now is the time to slow things down to be sure of him. Forget slowing things down not to scare him off. It’s not about him. It’s about you, and you have to stop giving him the power. If he is holding back and making you wonder about things, maybe he’s isn’t the man you want to be with for the rest of your life.
When you hold off on “wearing his ring”, you take the time to evaluate how the relationship makes you feel instead of worrying how it makes him feel. A good man will make you feel secure, confident, happy and peaceful. He won’t leave you lost in a pile of doubt. A good relationship adds to your life and doesn’t leave you saying, “if only he ____.”
Let Him Step Up To Plate For You
Wanting a man’s love can’t be handled like a job promotion. You can’t work hard to earn his heart. It doesn’t happen like that. In fact, the more you work hard when dating a man, the more he feels like you aren’t “expensive.”
Men want a woman with a high price-tag and your price is determined by your self-worth. When you’re constantly trying to “seal the deal” with him or “close the gap” in the relationship, he can feel that you don’t have a sense of self-worth and are looking to define yourself by the relationship. That can weigh him down, making see you like a wet blanket.
When you have a lot of self-worth, you don’t rush into things and you don’t make someone a priority when they make you an option. A man wants to feel like he has to hunt you and earn you. Let him. Stop calling him, texting him, planning the dates, asking him if he’s okay, etc.
Letting him step forward and carry the load in the relationship doesn’t just make you more attractive, it makes you feel better about things. It allows you to sit back and enjoy the way a man celebrates you, instead of running around trying to celebrate him. And if he doesn’t step up to plate, it’s best you know now!
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You and learn how to be an enchanting man-magnet. I will show you how to hold onto your Female Fire while dating a man, and how to use your Fire to ignite flames of passion in his heart for you.