How To Handle Your Jealousy
I don’t think you need me to tell you that your green-eyed-monster side isn’t going to help your relationship. The question is how to handle your jealousy?
This article is coauthored by Sarah Jeanette.
Is your man giving you some indirect reasons to be a jealous woman:
- Is he“half there” in your relationship?
- Maybe he is polite and kind but his words and actions seem devoid of passion and real desire?
- Does he touch you and make love to you like he’s opening a door for a lady or pulling out a chair for her to sit down–like he’s just going through the gestures?
- Is he unfazed by events like your anniversary or mother’s day?
- And other times is he just not around at all–coming home late or making excuses for why he can’t spend more time with you?
- Maybe he doesn’t even try to be polite and is grouchy and irritable all the time, treating every one of your requests and needs like they are annoying sacrifices of his time and energy?
- Does his lackluster treatment of you make you have suspicions that there may be another woman in his life or that he secretly wants to stray but hasn’t yet?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, let us ask you this, too:
Are you feeling angry with jealousy and scared with insecurities, due to these behaviors he is exhibiting? Do you feel like your jealousy is pushing him even further away?
If so, Sarah knows exactly what you are feeling right now. She dated this one man who unintentionally was always making her feeling jealous of other women. At first he seemed REALLY into her and was very attentive and generous with his time and affection. Soon into dating him, he was less so and she was finding herself always looking around at other women and comparing herself to them.
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She couldn’t pass a beautiful woman while with her boyfriend and not look at him to see if he was looking at her. She would ask him questions sometimes about his interest in other women at his job or would try to solicit compliments from him. He hated these questions and always said she was “fishing” for reassurance. She ran herself crazy exercising, dieting, and primping all the time. And when she was too emotional to keep the diet or to exercise one day, she would beat herself up even more.
It wasn’t like he was trying to make her jealous or was giving her obvious, direct messages that she wasn’t “enough” for him. He never said, “I wish you would look like this or do this in bed!” She just felt these things from him, like a vibe he was giving off in his uninspired actions. He did seem a little disenchanted with her, a little uninspired to touch her, caress her, crave to be around her. She felt like he was just “going through the motions” and she was not happy in the relationship.
She never spoke with him directly about her feelings and didn’t know the ACTUAL REASONS for why he was acting like this. Maybe he was just like that in a relationship. But she wanted him to be more into her and their sex and this desire on her part was making her think that there was something wrong with HER.
I told her that she should investigate this feeling of inadequacy she was experiencing and try to discover where they were coming from inside her. I told Sarah that if she wasn’t willing to leave the relationship and find a man that always made her feel “enough”, she should talk to him about her feelings directly and not dance around things with “fishing” questions! said she should also try to do what she could to feel better about herself so that she wouldn’t take his behavior as a deeply wounding personal rejection.
Sarah did what I suggested and had a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend. She told him she felt jealous and insecure about his feelings for her. He told her he wasn’t cheating and did love her but that her insecurity of his feelings bugged him to the point where he didn’t want to work on things in the relationship and didn’t feel inspired to want to be closer to her. She was hurt but also relieved that he wasn’t cheating. She knew that if she wanted to stay with this man, she was going to have to deal with her insecurities on her own.
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Write Down Your Triggers
So Sarah started writing about her feelings in her journal and realized that she had constant worries about her boyfriend cheating with smart and funny women.
Why was she obsessing over the women being smart and funny? Maybe it was because he worked in the entertainment industry and was around a lot of funny and smart women all the time?
One day when she was out with him, he started talking about his crush on Chelsea Handler and she started to fume. She got so upset she almost walked out of the restaurant. The jealousy was so strong and it was then that she realized she never felt she was truly smart and funny growing up. Other loved ones knew she was smart and funny but Sarah didn’t feel that way about herself.
And when her boyfriend confirmed her gut suspicions that he liked funny, smart women, she realized that this was adding to her insecurity and making her feel jealous. The primping and obsessing about her looks was a way to compensate. If she couldn’t be funny and smart, she would at least be the most beautiful woman around.
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Well, instead of expending more energy on her boyfriend’s behavior in the relationship, she stopped letting his recently distant behavior dictate her happiness, and she started to focus on herself and work on her feelings about her worth as a woman.
Don’t Let Your Inner Voices Exaggerate Your Weaknesses, Or You Will Feel Inadequate!
She started to slowly embrace the fact that she WAS smart and funny. She accepted that she may not have been The Smartest or The Funniest woman but that she was definitely no dumb blonde and could tell a solid joke, so she wasn’t The Stupidest or The Dullest woman either.
Once she started accepting that she was funnier and smarter than she allowed herself to believe she was, something happened–she stopping being so jealous all the time. She stopped worrying that she wasn’t enough for her boyfriend. She stopped thinking that his moods were about her.
And guess what else happened? He started to change! He started to call more often and look at her with passion in his eyes. He started telling her how amazing she was all the time. One night he said to her, ”I feel good about things! You are such a great woman–so sweet, sexy, FUNNY and SMART!”
Sarah couldn’t believe her ears!
It was like he knew!
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But the truth was, he didn’t KNOW, he just felt a shift in her vibe around him and this inspired him. Her new-found self-acceptance inspired him to give her the compliments she was “fishing” for before.
Don’t Push Him Away With A Skewed Self-Image
Something about his behavior is feeding some insecurity in you. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or that you are a green-eyed monster! It just means that the universe is telling you something through him– that you have to heal a part of yourself that he is magnifying through his actions and words.
Out of desperation and deep need, you may directly be nagging him, questioning him, yelling at him, sulking, throwing yourself at him with a constant need for reassurance…
You may be trying to APPEAR confident but aren’t feeling that way and are doing subtle, indirect things in the relationship that are making him feel less attracted to you–even is HE doesn’t realize it. You could be putting yourself down a lot in conversation or being hyper critical of other women you secretly envy, or slouching when you walk in a way that looks apologetic,etc…
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You should always be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, but sometimes we can push that kind of man away and he can start acting in a way that confirms our insecurities. Then, a vicious cycle starts where we feel insecure and act it and then he gets off-put and we feel MORE insecure and he moves further away!
But the thing is, we can’t look for constant reassurance from an already-uninspired man. If he feels drained and exhausted from your insecurities, he won’t want to reassure you. At these times, you have to reassure yourself.
In fact, you should always be your own best cheerleader and healer! His love is only part of the solution.
The Mistress Exercise
If you want to inspire your man to treat you with more passionate attention, try the following exercise called The Mistress Exercise to start getting to know your own insecurities and learn how to handle your jealousy…
(Don’t do this exercise if your man IS cheating. This is not a way to start feeling insecure about yourself, it’s a way to start putting all of yourself into your relationship. This isn’t about a REAL mistress that exists in your man’s life. This ISN’T about the types of women HE talks about liking. This is about YOUR fears, which you subconsciously might think are your weaknesses as a woman in a relationship.)
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What you do is this…
Go to a place in your home where you can be alone and feel safe to be vulnerable.
Close your eyes and think about your insecurities in the relationship.
Breathe deep and allow your fears to surface.
When you feel jealousy and agitation running through your body…
Imagine you are outside of a small, intimate café in a small vacation-town in the middle of winter.
It’s cold and dark outside. You are bundled in a coat and looking through the frosted glass of the café’s windows.
Inside the café, at a small, cozy, candle-lite table in the corner, sits your man…
…With another woman. (This cannot be a woman he is ACTUALLY cheating with–this is AN IMAGINARY woman, or FAMOUS woman. This is the woman you would MOST FEAR your husband cheating with. For me, it’s Angelina Jolie. For Sarah, it’s Chelsea Handler)
They (your man and her) are laughing and are physically very close. He is clearly very into her.
The two of them are experiencing the opposite of what you are at this moment–they are warm with love, they are happy, they are both feeling connected to another human…
As you lean into the window further, you take your attention off of him and his behavior, and instead you begin to hone in on HER.
What does she look like?
Is she beautiful? Is she beautiful in a way you are not? More edgy perhaps? More feminine style of dressing?
Examine her head-to-toe.
Now, imagine you have a 5th sense and you can know a person’s personality just by seeing them once.
Look closely at her and the way she is behaving and begin to pick apart her personality.
Is she a soft- spoken woman? Is she playful and kind? Is she a great lover who surrenders to a man’s touch? Is she vulnerable and comfortable sharing her emotions with a man in a tender way?
Now read her thoughts. What are they like? Is she all-trusting and happy to be with him? Is she scared of love but quietly risking moments of intimacy, despite her fears?
Open your eyes and write all about her.
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Get every detail of this mistress, who has stolen your man in your fantasy, out on paper!
Now, when you are done, write a SELF-SOOTHING mantra and say it aloud to calm yourself. Something like:
“I’ve finished this exercise and now I release my jealousy and insecurities into the universe. I know that I am a woman who is worth loving and has every one of the qualities of this fantasy mistress inside me right now. I find peace in my self-discovery and I am happiest when I live free of denial.”
We want you to look at this list!
The words on this list are parts of YOURSELF you are NOT surrendering to him and the relationship but subconsciously WANT TO.
If this imaginary mistress is dressed like a goddess in pink and gold chiffon, perhaps you want to dress more youthful and elegantly alluring, but are afraid of that power or feel too uncomfortable with your figure to do so.
If this imaginary mistress has a velvety caress, silky hair, and a buttery smile, those things are aspects of a very sensual, feminine woman. Are you allowing thoughts to cloud your existence and stop your body from FEELING all your senses at work?
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If she is laughing with him and is a curly-headed blond who is bubbling with cheerful delight, perhaps you are not allowing yourself to be playful and high-spirited in the relationship. Maybe you are bogged down with HEAVINESS and neurosis and can’t seize the moment and throw your life pain and insecurities in the relationship aside for a few laughs.
Use this exercise –NOT TO GIVE YOU MORE INSECURITIES– but to allow yourself to start being the woman you want to be in your relationship. The woman you WANT to be but can’t OWN inside yourself.
This mistress is just the parts of you that you are insecure about.
Once you address these issues, you will do the exercise again and see that she has changed into a different woman with new qualities you will want to address about yourself.
We want to help ease your fears about HIM so you can trust him and can surrender ALL of YOURSELF to your relationship. How? By working on what YOU subconsciously or consciously feel are your weaknesses and then accepting yourself more.
You can’t control your man, and men cheat for a myriad of reasons–many of which are not about us. But you can work on your fears so that you don’t inadvertently push him away from you.
Remember, this article and exercise are about taming fears you know are IRRATIONAL. A lot of the time we bring our insecurities in a relationship and make something a man’s fault, even if it isn’t. This can make him feel less attracted to you because he feels exhausted by your need for reassurance or because he feels off-put by your insecurities.
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In our Inspire His Love For You e-manuals, we will help ease your insecurities and give you the courage and self-knowledge to go out and be the bewitching and enchanting woman who inspires her man’s love.
We will take you by the hand and kickstart your journey toward becoming a solution-oriented, fearless Love Empress who isn’t afraid to peer inside the dark crevices of her soul and feel more confident as a result.
We also give tools and exercises to help you improve upon the areas of yourself where you feel insecure so you can re-ignite his passion for you.
Why live with fears and push a good man away? You deserve a great relationship!
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If you want to learn how to stop feeding your insecurities and start feeling like a gorgeous enchantress who knows exactly how to magnetize men effortlessly, take a peek at my newest e-book Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You and learn the 27 secrets to unleashing your FEMALE FIRE and being a man magnet.