Learning how to talk with a man and share your feelings with him takes guts. You have to surrender to your feminine softness and expose your underbelly.
Do you find that you have a pattern of trying to hide your negative feelings from a man who isn’t treating you the way you wish he would?
When we women love a man and feel that his feelings for us are not as strong as ours are, we feel A LOT of intense, scary feelings, most of which are negative. We are bitter, sad, scared, anxious and even angry. We also feel like we have to hold these feelings inside. We feel we have to stuff them down, keep them under wraps, so that our man doesn’t get turned off by our draining emotions.
We don’t want to burden him with our pain, fearing it will all be too much for him and he will leave. So we ignore our feelings and needs and busy ourselves by doing for him. We act like the most loving, able and hardworking girlfriends and wives that ever lived, all in an attempt to quiet our negative voices and make him love us again.
We cater to our men– giving them things and slaving to do what we can to make THEIR lives better. We labor in the name of love, trying so hard to look like women that men would be crazy to lose!
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We either pretend that nothing is wrong and force a smile when around him, only to cry when we are alone and safe to feel our true pain in private… Or, we start trying to manage and control our feelings by managing and controlling the relationship. In between breaking our backs to please him, we coolly and calmly express our dissatisfaction with his behavior and take every unassuming moment we can to tell him how ineffectual he is as a boyfriend or husband.
The problem is that these two alternatives to expressing our true feelings are off-putting to men. A man doesn’t want you to “grin and bear it”. He doesn’t want you to lie to him and act like everything is fine.
You Can’t Lie About How You Really Feel Forever
See, it’s impossible to fully hide your feelings from him. Your discontent will rear it’s ugly face somehow. Your body needs to dispose of these feelings. They aren’t healthy to hold onto. You may start acting passive aggressive or manipulative with your actions just to release them. You may even start to get sick. This happened to me. I started getting sick all the time at the end of my marriage.
I also started taking out my frustration on other loved ones and coworkers. I would even yell at my dog.
Your man also doesn’t want you to act like a calm and collected “cold fish” while you constantly tell him how he’s messing up in the relationship. This will make him feel worthless and unimportant to you. He wants you to share your feelings with him. He wants you to stop pretending and start SHOWING HIM HOW MUCH power he has over your heart.
He wants you to TRUST him enough to give him the opportunity to make things better between the both of you. He wants you to talk to him about YOUR feelings, not about HIS shortcomings.
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So here’s how to share your feelings with a man:
First, you must give yourself permission to feel everything you feel and embrace the fact that you and your feelings are not perfect.
You aren’t perfect — no one is. And thank goodness for that. Everyone’s imperfections are beautiful. We fall in love with movie characters who have serious flaws and with friends whose quirks touch our hearts.
No one has a perfect attitude either. Every women suffers inside at some point and has deep needs that must be met.
I tried for YEARS to appear emotionally perfect. I tried sooo hard to keep a smile on my face and a giggle between most my sentences when my marriage was falling apart and all I really wanted to do was scream in his face; “I’m so lonely and I hate you so much for making me love you and for treating me like crapola!”
I didn’t want to “annoy” him with my heavy emotions and I also didn’t want him to know that I cared THAT MUCH. So many women do this and if you do, honey, you are NOT alone.
Second thing you can do is to get brave and talk with him about your feelings!
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Take a moment when you are with him and feeling strong inside to share your feelings. Keep it about YOU and what YOU feel instead of about him and all his faults.
Make a point to talk from your heart instead of your from “adult self”. Instead of rationally expressing your feelings like you are pitching an idea to a team of office workers, risk exposing your childlike vulnerability to him.
In fact, if you aren’t feeling “on the verge of tears” you are probably guarding your heart too much when talking to him.
So the third thing you can do is “bleed out” your vulnerability in front of him.
Look at him, connect with his eyes, touch his hand, and tell him how much he matters to you. Tell him why you love him and what his love truly means to your life.
Allow your “emotional dam” to crack and slowly break. Allow yourself to warm-up to him and let your numb, rational feelings melt into a raw sensitivity.
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To do this you have to trust him. You have to think about his “good side”. You have to think about the positive moments you two have shared and the wonderful things he has done for you. (Every man, no matter how toxic, has some good qualities.)
Once you feel more vulnerable, share your needs with him. Tell him what you want from a relationship. Again, don’t point out his inability to provide, just stick to expressing your desires.
Don’t Worry About His Initial Reaction… Have Faith
Your man may close off. He may shut down and say nothing. He may even get grouchy. Don’t worry.
See, your emotions may overwhelm him and make him feel vulnerable. He doesn’t want to feel this way, it’s too revealing for him as a “man”. Your emotions may also make him feel inadequate to helping you. Men want to be knights in shining armor, they don’t want to watch a woman experiencing pain because of their actions.
However, his initial feelings of being overwhelmed, and possibly inadequate, will subside.
Patiently accept ANY reaction he gives you. Make things about your need to “bleed out your feelings” and don’t attack him for shutting down or push him to open up. If you give him room to react however he feels, he will come to you eventually and share his feelings with you. He will do what he can to be there for you once he “emotionally recuperates” and feels less incompetent.
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When he does start to talk to you about your feelings (whether it’s right away or after a bit of time) be prepared to be surprised. Allow yourself to TRUST in what he has to say. Trust in his feelings for you and in his deep desire to please you.
Help guide him toward a solution to your hurt feelings.
Don’t forget to also ask him what YOU CAN DO to help the relationship grow, too! He may know what he needs from you but has been too timid to ask.
You may be quite happy with the way things turn out and the deep bond of emotional closeness that may begin to form between you both.
If you find that you hide your negative feelings and don’t know how to talk with a man, stuffing them down inside you by “doing, doing, doing” for him, PLEASE do your happiness and health a favor and sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter, which is packed full of insight into men and lasting, fun and beneficial relationships!