How To Talk With Men: Avoid Shaming Them … & Yourself
The main lesson to be learned in understanding how to talk with men is that you shouldn’t have any stigmas around your feelings, or any self-beliefs based solely on his treatment of you.
Before I “got” what it was all about—this love thing—I spent a lot of time and energy trying to hide my feelings from men, while at the same time taking everything a man did to me entirely too personal.
Don’t Go Into A Turtle Shell
It’s okay to feel insecure, needy, vulnerable and nervous around a man. You are human and every human being feels these things now and again, especially in the company of those that matter. Having these feelings doesn’t make you any less confident.
Confidence comes from accepting that these feelings happen and admitting to them as easily and readily as you would the good feelings. Don’t have a stigma around your darker feelings. Don’t let society tell you that you have to have a perma-smile to make anyone want to be around you.
It’s time to share your truth with men. It’s time to be very up front and honest and let them know what’s going on inside your heart at any given moment… good or bad, confident or needy and insecure, happy or sad and angry!
Try this right now. Say the following out loud:
“Sometimes I feel confident, happy, ambitious, excited and totally lovable!”
Now say the following in the exact same way, without any self-judgment:
“Sometimes I feel insecure, sad, lazy, bored, angry and totally unlovable!”
Was it easy for you? Did you get emotional? Did you say it like a mocking joke? Try, over the next days, to talk about your negative feelings as if you are commenting on the weather. Be free with your truth and just make “feeling statements” without whining, getting heavy-hearted or shutting down.
(If the positive feeling statements were hard for you, than practice those, too. Say them over and over again. Remember not to say, “I AM confident, happy, etc.” but “Sometimes I FEEL confident, happy, etc.” It will help you to understand that these feelings don’t define you as much as they “pass through” you, just like the darker feelings.)
How To Talk With Men: Express Yourself & Leave Him Out Of It
Not having a stigma surrounding your feelings about his behavior not only means that you don’t judge yourself for feeling yucky things like insecurity and despair but that you don’t blame him for your feelings.
Refrain from shaming him or making him feel indirectly like a shmuck. Even if his actions have been less than acceptable, the important thing is that you keep the focus on what you feel inside, not on him.
So say things like:
“I’m feeling really needy and I don’t want to feel this way.”
“I am so angry inside, I want to burst!”
“I’m sad and I feel like my insecurities are making me doubt myself.”
Don’t say things like:
“Why don’t you call? You make me feel so unwanted.”
“All you do is upset me.”
“I’m fine. No, really. I’m fine.”
Don’t Take His Limitations Personally
Look, I know how hard it is not to take what a man says to heart and think that it must be something about you that makes him act “limited”. But the truth is that most people’s relationship patterns are repeated in the same way with everyone.
I promise that if he has a hard time returning your calls, you are not the only person in his life that he is thoughtless with in this way.
Now, I’m not telling you this so that you can make excuses for him. I’m not telling you this so that you can make it your mission to show him that he needs to grow up and be accountable. I am telling you this so that you can understand that it’s really not about you.
Yes, there are things you can do to inspire a man’s love and yes there will always be the sad truth that some men will love you more than others, but don’t sit around and let your self-confidence and self-image whirl around and down into the toilet plumbing because of a man’s behavior.
You are looking for real deal love. Don’t waste your time with anything less. Don’t be determined to “change” a man to prove to yourself that you are worth loving. If he’s your husband and you can’t just leave him, try to accept him more and find ways to self-soothe and self-comfort in moments when he isn’t stepping up to plate. Sometimes just “throwing in the towel” (without a dramatic towel slapping down on the countertop) can help save your relationship.
Stop letting his actions define who you are. If you do this, you will immediately stop the roller coaster of emotion that can be a result of a man’s “disappointing” behavior.
Also By Kristina: Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You (my empowering modern enchantress eBook)