In An Imaginary Relationship? Don’t Be A Pit-Stop
It’s hard when you really like a guy to accept that maybe he just isn’t that into you, or that he does love you but is a commitment-phobe.
It’s so much easier to lie to yourself and only let yourself see the positive signs that point toward him having admirable intentions: He still calls, he spends a lot of time with you, he buys you things and says you are a good friend. However, if a man’s telling you that your relationship isn’t serious, believe him. Too many women get delusion and fall victim to the imaginary relationship.
Is He Really Showing You That He Can Give You What You Want?
When you get that “chemical romance” feeling for a guy and your heart and mind get all tangled up in him, it’s really hard to slow down and ask yourself if he’s doing his part to woo you. It’s so easy to make the excuse that he’s wounded from childhood or shy but he really does love you. However, like I always say, love isn’t a feeling; it’s a treatment of someone. If he isn’t treating you like a queen and talking about scooping you off the market, he’s not worth your time. Who cares what he feels for you? He needs to honor his loving feelings with loving behaviors!
Read More From Connect With His Heart: Have Too Much Masculine Energy With Men?
Too many women (I’ve been there too) cater to men in hopes that they’ll take a sexual relationship to the next level. This is where the imaginary relationship starts to cultivate. We get so invested in him (planning dates, burning energy thinking about him all the time, giving him sex whenever he wants it, and even spending money on cute lingerie and diet pills) that we fail to accept that he isn’t emotionally invested.
And you could have already met his friends and his family. You could be hanging out with him every Sunday afternoon, and yet he could know in the back of his mind that you are just a pit stop.
There is a little girl inside you (call her your inner child) and she isn’t very smart, but she is highly emotional. She doesn’t understand (like most 6 year-olds) that love isn’t always mutual. All she knows is that you’re wrapped up in this guy and doing everything you can for him, and she thinks that he feels the same way. Well, when the imaginary relationship ends and you want to key his car and shame him publicly on Facebook, it’s that little girl in your heart who is leading the protest. She makes moving on very hard.
The Aftermath Of The Imaginary Relationship
Most of us get into imaginary relationships because we’re scared of intimacy (yep, that means you). It’s easier to chase a guy who we have idealized in our minds than to start something real with a guy who is interested and available for a serious relationship. Serious relationships can feel smothering and terrifying because they set us up to feel close to someone. They set us up to be known for all our good, bad and ugly qualities, and that can be intimidating. It’s so much safer to chase a guy than it is to set yourself up for real abandonment from a man who actually got into your heart in a profound way.
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And I know you’re saying, “But my ‘friend’ did get into my heart in a profound way”; however, what’s actually happened is that you have created a fantasy around a few of his lovely traits. You don’t know really know this man—his secrets, his true feelings, his fears and his intentions. He hides from you because he doesn’t want you to come close, and that makes you YEARN to be closer to him. The little girl in you is like, “Why? Why can’t I come close? What’s wrong with me???”
The problem with the imaginary relationship is that it churns up a vicious cycle. You get into the imaginary relationship to protect yourself. You invest in him, you get dumped, your self-esteem hits the floor, and then you feel even more terrified of getting close to someone. That sets you up for another imaginary relationship with another emotionally unavailable man, and the next thing you know, you’re telling people that all men suck and adopting a cat. It’s a cycle of loneliness and plummeting self-confidence.
Take Care Of Your Little Girl
It’s time to stop catering to him and start listening to your heart. You secretly know this guy isn’t into you or doesn’t have the tools in his toolbox to love you the way you deserve. Stop thinking he will come around, because he already came around and wasn’t interested the first time. Once a guy has decided you’re not going to be his girlfriend, he’s not going to change his mind. Women change their minds and fall for male friends, but men don’t do this. If you’re already sleeping together and he’s not interested in more, he’s never gonna be.
Read More From Connect With His Heart: But I Know He Loves Me
Take the next few days to sit on your hands in your relationship. Don’t call him, text him, plan something for him. Don’t read into things you see on social media to assume he needs to hear from you about something like his sick mom. If he needed you, he’d be calling you. Just let him be and instead make a list of your personal boundaries (what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want).
To feel good about myself
To be heard and seen
To be more important than male freedoms and ego boosts from other women
To be treated like a doormat
To feel like a bad version of myself because of a man
To feel like the man I love lacks empathy and understanding
To be just some chick he’s dating
Then once you have your list, wait until HE calls and say something like this: “I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel like a bad version of myself and I feel that way right now. I’m looking for a commitment and I don’t want to sleep with a man unless he can offer that to me. What do you think?”
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Hear him out and be open to him. If he doesn’t respect your feelings, he isn’t worth it. If he makes up more excuses, tell him that commitment shouldn’t be so hard to come by and that maybe you two aren’t meant to be together. Even if he ends things out of guilt, it’s better than stringing you along. You deserve better than being some guy’s afterthought.
And, yes, you can live without him.
My eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You, is all about how to be the woman who men adore without compromising any of your personal boundaries. Men want you to have personal boundaries; they make you high-maintenance in the good way. Men feel bad about doing wrong by a woman and when they are with a woman they know will always stand up for herself, they feel freed-up not to worry about guilt. This makes a man feel comfortable coming closer to you. The enchantress secrets in the book show you how to seduce a man and what to expect from a good man so that you don’t start making excuses for bad male behavior.