Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Do you look at the men you date (or the man you love) and secretly think, Why on Earth does he like ME?
Everyone is insecure in love in some way or another, but if your deep insecurities get in the way of having a healthy and rewarding relationship, you need to address your issues.
It’s very common for partners to test each other to get a proof of love. If you are testing the man you love or trying to get him (or men you date) to prove to you that he/they love/like you, then you need to stop this immediately. (Testing includes playing hard-to-get, acting bitchy to get something, short tempered, stonewalling, criticizing, pouting, etc. all to get more attention)
Why stop? Because it’s not only hurting the man’s pride and his self-image, it’s hurting your heart. When you act from a fear-based place inside you, you do nothing but cause yourself and others pain.
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When you make a man test out, pushing him away and shutting him out to see if he will stick around and love you unconditionally, you are destroying the trust in your relationship before it even has a chance to form. This is ironic in a way: We test people to see if we can trust them; however, testing the person murders the chance for trust to develop.
Men Who Go For Guarded Women Are Usually Love Addicts
The other problem with making someone prove themselves to you is that the kind of person who will tolerate such emotional rough-housing (even abuse in severe cases) is insecure in love too. People who would rather chase around emotionally guarded and unavailable people are commitment phobes. If they were capable of real intimacy and love, they wouldn’t waste their time with guarded people who make them jump through hoops. It’s too painful to love/like an emotionally unavailable person. You only accept that kind of pain into your life when you are accustomed to it from childhood. A healthy person, who is capable of tolerating intimacy, does not associate love with pain, and therefore avoids people who constantly push them away.
Even if you do meet a great guy who puts up with your crap for a while, you will not respect him and the tests will only get harder and harder for him. Why? Because you are playing power games with him (“If I do this will you stay? … How about this?”) and the dynamic of the relationship will become you crushing him constantly to feel ‘safe’ through having power.
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The problem becomes that people aren’t really safe through having power, it’s just an illusion. Your relationship will be totally unsafe for him and you. He will feel castrated and resent you, and you will feel angry at him for not stepping up and being a man. The reason you will be angry is because as a woman you need to feel like you are with a man who has self-confidence, and when you are with a doormat, you feel unsafe. This angers you.
Stop Feeling Insecure In Love By Eliminating The Power Struggle
Though every relationship has a hint—a sprinkle- of power plays, the meat of the union can’t be about power if you want a healthy relationship. It has to be about love, and love starts and begins with trust. You can’t make a man prove to you that he is trustworthy. You can’t start him with a C- and make him earn an A. He starts with the A and he has to keep it. That’s where your personal boundaries come into play; “I feel angry and I don’t want to feel this way. What do you think we should do about this?” A good man will do his best to keep his A. Think of good men like good students.
Don’t Turn A Good Man Into A Bad Guy
Now… sometimes we take a good student and make him into a lazy student. How? By not letting him do for us, care for us, love us, provide for us, etc. A lot of women can’t tolerate being loved by a good man. Men, however, need to provide and need to feel needed. If you have a habit of making men prove themselves, chances are you also have a hard time allowing a man to do for you (touch you, hold you, compliment you, buy you things).
I totally understand how vulnerable and scary it can feel to sit back and allow a man to come toward you. For so long I was terrified of inviting a man to touch me, pamper me, give me gifts and adore me. That may sound weird (didn’t let him buy you things? Huh?), but it’s totally normal for a lot of women. I felt this way because I was scared to let a good man in and then lose him. I felt like if I let him in and he wounded me, I wouldn’t be able to handle the abandonment.
But… the risks are worth it!
Read More From Connect With His Heart: How To Attract A Man With Your Vulnerability
See, this actually happened to me. I loved a guy for a bit who betrayed me. I went crazy and vowed to never love again. I was soo angry and hurt, I wanted to destroy him. Luckily, I allowed the angry/hurt feelings out in private and with my therapist. Once the feelings started to subside and there was light again at the end of the tunnel, I realized that I survived that man and I could love again. Even though I suffered through a deep betrayal, I had NO regrets and was so proud of myself for having allowed a man close to me without making him jump through evil hoops to prove himself.
The best part was that I soon found love again and this time I found a good man. I didn’t push him away, though I was tempted. I forced myself to tolerate his kindness and everything since has been beautiful between us.
See, it wasn’t that I just got lucky and found a good guy in the end. I was subconsciously looking for that good guy. I knew I could tolerate a close and loving relationship and that I wanted such. Knowing this, I looked for a man who could give it to me. The other man who betrayed me was just as scared as I had been and pushed me away because HE couldn’t tolerate MY kindness. Water seeks its own level and so do we. This new man could tolerate deep love and closeness and he is still such a wonderful partner to this day.
If I can do it, you can too. You don’t need to be insecure in love.