Is He An Emotionally Available Man? Ask Him This!

emotionally available man, emotionally unavailable men, dating advice for women

Dating Advice For Women: Don’t waste precious baby-making time on a guy who fools you into thinking he’s an emotionally available man!


Love addicts make it hard to know if a guy is an emotionally available man: they wine you, dine you, tell you very intimate details of their past, they profess their undying love early on and some even talk about marriage in the first three months.  Love addicts make you think that they are emotionally available superheroes.


So how can you tell if a man is truly available for love and commitment and instead just making empty promises, promises he will break in a few months when the honeymoon stage wears away?


The Emotionally Available Man Knows His Emotional Needs


An emotionally available man knows two things: what his needs are in a relationship and how to communicate them. 


An emotionally UNavailable man will not be in touch with his emotional needs and therefore will be clueless as to how to get what he wants in a relationship.


Emotionally unavailable men are limited in the emotional intimacy department because they don’t have a strong connection with their feelings.  They don’t know when they are feeling sad, hurt, vulnerable, scared, etc.  Even when they are in touch with feelings like anger, they are unaware as to why they are angry—they think it has to do with something outside of them (like something you did) instead of something inside of them (like something that reminds them of childhood abandonment.) So they go from relationship to relationship, hoping the next woman will better understand them; the truth, however, is that they don’t understand themselves.


Emotionally Unavailable Men Feel Trapped & Angry In Relationships Because They Don’t Want To Feel Their Emotional Neediness


Emotionally unavailable men have been emotionally starved for a long time—usually their whole life.  They are emotionally unavailable for a reason and that reason is most likely that their caretakers weren’t attentive and were shaming to their emotional needs.


When a man spends his life out of touch with his feelings and his needs in love (to be touched, loved, heard, respected, validated, etc.) he longs for those needs to be met WHILE ALSO avoiding relationships that provide those needs.


But why would he avoid relationships that provide those needs?


An emotionally unavailable man avoids good relationships because they is force him to face his hunger.  Facing that hunger is too painful!  It’s too painful to face all the years that went by without his needs having been met.


He doesn’t know how to have healthy needs or how to have healthy boundaries.  His hunger is so strong; it angers him to need you at all.  He will either pull away from you or become dependent on you in controlling ways.


An emotionally unavailable man’s anger is so deep, he may not even feel his rage, he’ll just feel trapped, bored and irritated by you.


The Question To Ask A Guy To Know If He Is An Emotionally Available Man


To avoid the love addicts, try asking a man you are dating this question:


What are your needs in a relationship with a woman?


  • If he doesn’t know them or says simply “To please a woman”, he’s probably not an emotionally available man. (Pleasing a woman is important to a man but can’t be his only need.)
  • If he has unrealistic needs (“I need to feel head over heels.  I need to feel whatever it is YOU are giving me, baby.”), he’s a love addict.
  • If he gets angry and throws the question back at you (“What kind of question is that to ask a man?”) he’s probably not an emotionally available man.
  • If he mostly mentions things that have more to do with you NOT needing him (“I need space, silence, a woman who stays off my back, etc.”), he’s probably not an emotionally available man.
  • If he sticks to mentioning a bunch of superficial things like a woman’s looks and cooking ability, he’s probably emotionally unavailable.
  • If his list is limited to attraction, great sex, hot chemistry, etc. he’s the kind of emotionally unavailable man who confuses sex for love.


And if he rattles off a lot of things that sound smothering to you (“I need a woman to never leave my side, to give me guidance in my life, etc.), he may swing too far the other way and be emotionally needy.


An Emotionally Available Man Will Answer The Question With Curiosity & Ease


If a guy is marriage-minded and is truly an emotionally available man, this question won’t push his buttons.  He will respect the question and will answer it.  You’ll probably hear him say that he needs things like good communication, honesty, affection, laughter, spontaneity, emotional support, kindness, etc.


An emotionally available man will also ask you what you need—and he will listen.  But make sure he answers you first and doesn’t turn the question around, because that’s a sign that he isn’t comfortable with his emotional needs and will probably end up emotionally unavailable in the relationship.  A man can only cater and give without addressing his own needs for so long; he soon gets resentful.


Are YOU Emotionally Available?


How would you answer if a man asked you this question?


Would you feel uncomfortable responding honestly and with vulnerable answers?  Would you rattle off demands, sounding controlling and too bossy?


What feeling is stirred in you when you think about this question?  Is the feeling that of relief that someone would care?  Anger that you’ve gone hungry too long?  Is it a powerful feeling– that you can be a diva and voice your diva-requests?  Do you feel walled-off, afraid of the idea of voicing needs such as touches and tenderness?


Pay attention to your own feelings and think about why you may have negative feelings (or feelings of power and control) around this question.  Because, if you feel negatively (or rigid and bossy) around this question, a man will sense that every time he tries to provide your emotional needs.


Sign up for my Goddess Advice Newsletter and learn how to start feeling comfortable receiving from a man.  Men need to feel like they can provide, and a woman who is comfortable receiving (melting into a man’s touch, saying ‘thank you’ to a compliment, etc.) turns men on!  The newsletter will also give you more insight into your attraction to EU men and how to spot an emotionally available man from across the room!  Stop wasting time in love and start setting the stage for a healthy relationship with a man who knows how to be a forever-partner!


  1. Christy L. Flyte says:

    Please sign me up for newsletter thank you

  2. Clara says:

    Geez.. I actually realized I was emotionally unavailable. I feel no enthusiasm for most of guys. I am told I am pretty girl, which it’s true make a lot of boys notice me. But as soon as I get to know them, I end up loosing interest and dodge them. I knew I had that kind of issue because my first boyfriend hurt me so much and my dad forgot all about me after his second wedding. So I decided “never want to feel this way again, I will have high standards now .nd be unattainable”. Except I became indifferent and numb. And the only guy I like is limited emotionally, but he is so smart and instructed and such a challenge that he is for now the only one who can give me those “adrenalin”rush and excitement.
    I want to stop being like that. I think it’s because I read so much books and philosophy that I make EVERYTHING complicated. It’s like I’d rather live in my perfect aesthetic little world than settle for something I midly like. I need to be head over heals for someone to even try… it scares me.
    Sorry for my flawed English, I am french.
    Amazing articles though, you are such an intelligent and gifted woman!

  3. wendy says:

    Clara, I’ve been told that the more intelligent a person is the more they “make EVERYTHING complicated” as you said you do. Although its great to be intelligent, sometimes this can be a double-edged sword. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be a little dumb so that I didn’t always feel the need to analyze all of my actions and emotions. But take heart, I believe that its only through this analyzing that we can really figure out ourselves and find real happiness in our relationships. And although it causes us more discomfort and struggles now, I like to think that somehow we are at an advantage over those who never really stop to figure themselves out,maybe it just makes you that much closer to finding your real “perfect aesthetic little world”…or at least I like to think so-there has to be some sort of pay off right? Good Luck to you and please when you find your solution share it with me because I am in the same boat as you are.

  4. phoebe says:

    So i asked him on messenger … and now he wants to talk next week?!

    I hate to doomsday but isn’t that a move before dumping me?

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