When Men Stop Calling

when men stop calling, dating advice for women, advice on men

Article I wrote for digitalromanticinc.com:

He was once head-over-heels for you and now he’s heeled it out of there, nowhere to be found.  I’ve been right where you are quite a few times and it always hurt like hell.  The self-doubt, the analyzing and rehashing of each moment of every date trying to figure out what I said or did wrong to push him away.  I would drive myself mad and end up feeling like a toilet, hollow and filled with gook.  But I was able to turn things around when my current boyfriend pulled back and I want to share with you now what to do when men stop calling you, so that you can draw that special man back to you, fast.


• It’s Kind Of Obvious, But If You Need A Reminder:  Don’t Contact Him


Most of us know not to phone, text or email when men stop calling.  But the reality is, we still do it.  Oh yes, we get sneaky and creative when we need to (the resourcefulness of women, I tell ya), and we “innocently” reach out when men stop calling.


he pulled back, he disappeared, dating advice for women


Because a man is on our mind, we start to see things in our everyday environment that remind us of him, things we’re convinced he absolutely must know about.  So we send cute memes that have something to do with a date we went on or we send him Groupon.com coupons for classes or events he showed interest in…  You get the idea.


I don’t care how much he needs to know about something—don’t contact him.  The reason has less to do with him and more to do with you.  We contact a guy to get an adrenaline rush, a hit of our drug, but when he doesn’t respond with something that feels good (and let’s face it, only an “I’ve been stuck under heavy furniture and I’m so sorry I haven’t called; would you like to go out to dinner tonight?” would feel good at this point), we come down off that high with a big, resounding thud.  We feel even more shame (the gook in the toilet) and we haven’t accomplished anything.


• When Men Stop Calling, Become The Queen Bee


cold and hot guy


In my Love Advice Newsletter I talk about being a queen bee with men instead of a worker bee.  The queen bee is the heart of the beehive.  She is the reason for everything her little workers do for the colony, and they pay close attention to her, tending to her every need.  I want you to stop buzzing around like a worker bee – worrying when a man will call, scrutinizing every move you make on a date, planning dates, controlling the pace of the dating relationship, asking his friends what happened to him, etc.  Instead I want you to stop doing anything for men and think of yourself as the center of their world.


Read the rest of this article


  1. Amanda K. says:

    This very thing is happening to me now. And I’m unintentionally doing every wrong thing to try to reach him and get answers. He stopped calling out of the blue and I, of course, desperately tried to reach him, using whatever means I could- guilt, anger- trying to play on his emotions. I even went nuclear. When I apologized, he texted and apologized for hurting me, said I am a sweet woman and told me to give him some time, that we will talk. Of course, in an attempt to still be that sweet, cute girl he was attracted to (and to secretly keep myself planted in his brain) I sent him sweet messages to wish him a good day and let him know I’m thinking about him. Now, he’s blocked me on Facebook. I guess what I want to know is: even after all of this, if I do back off and give him his space now, is there still hope that he will contact me? Even though for the past few days, I haven’t respected his wishes for space? Or is the damage done and it’s too late? What are your thoughts? What is your advice?


    • Elizabeth says:

      Hi Amanda,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so very frustrating. I think it’s important to move on. If he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you. However, chasing a man is a sure way to drive him away. If you want the kind of guy who cherishes you and can’t stop thinking about you, it’s necessary to back off and let him do the heavy lifting.

      This one isn’t deserving of you. Get out there and meet some more guys!

    • Lonely girl says:

      Hi Kristina,
      I’m n a 6yrs relationship with may boyfriend.there’s a sudden change wherein I found out his snapchat account.there one lady who chatted with him but that girl was in different country.i asked him what’s between them the girl said she’s the gf when I got change to asked my boyfriend he said she don’t know the girl.after on & off fight.i chatted with the girl and I found out that they talked&chat all the time everyday.then after a few days there’s another girl who send picture with my bf kissing him.so I freaked out and fight with my fb.eh keep silence for a few days.then I called him not just 30x no answer and I send SMS 10x everyday no reply.then one day he said he didn’t do anything wrong.then finally he asked time&space for his self.first I was confused if I have to honor his request coz what I’m thinking he just need space because he has someone new.everyday I still send SMS for him..his muslim from UAE & I’m Christian,we r both in dubai and the other girl is from thailand.What is the best way for me to do right now?i need an advice to clear out all my question.

  2. Carla says:

    I like your advice being a queen bee. I have experience like this before that my ex stop calling me. And when this time come to my life. I`m very disappointed and in deep pain. But I`ve never try to contact him because of my pride. And time comes that I realize that maybe were not really meant for each other and try to move on. So now I`m happy and contented with my present life.

  3. Kiara says:

    Hi Kristina,

    I was wondering what you think would be the best thing to do when actually the reason for him pulling back is the fact that he likes me. I am almost sure I let him down after few dates when he asked me if I was ready to “close the deal” – we were talking about work so that was fitting the conversation. I replied something like ” I like it like this, I am neutral”. His face changed colours and when at the end of the night I kissed him, he was very surprised. The point here is that I truly like him and the way I reacted it’s not what I meant. I replied that way only because even after 3 years I still feel hurt from my last relationship. In my actions and inside myself, since I met him (1 month now), I only cared and thought about him but he probably doesn’t know, how he can after all, considering the way I reacted?

    Now this is the moment where since 2 weeks I can’t get him anymore. I am not harassing him or stalking him or reverting my pain with stupid words or things that we women usually do. But even if he’s always kind with me and my proposals, I feel and it’s clear he’s different, he’s moving away from you.

    I do really like him. The way we met and everything that happened and we felt together can be described only with one word: perfect. I am not talking only about me but also about him and I am pretty sure about this.

    I do hope you have some suggestions for me.

    Many thanks :)

  4. Hot Monica says:

    Very well said… ^^ When that things happens to me… I am just planting on my mind that it is not my lost… It’s his. 😉

  5. Kendall says:

    Hi Kristina,
    I’m hoping you could give me some insight into whether my boyfriend of 3 months has broken up with me…He has asked for some space to think about things, but has also said he can’t give me what I want right now. When I asked if we were over he just said he needed space. He has just started a very stressful fly-in/fly-out job and I guess I’ve shown signs of neediness when he hasn’t responded to texts. I’m devastated…but respecting his space. Do you think it’s over? Can you help?

  6. Adriana says:

    Hi. Its not over, if you want respond to him, just make a no contact at all be strong and make yourself the middle of your own attention…. stop to text him call him or anything… for as long as u can,, he will be the one who will try to kontact you by thinking omg what happend to this girl… I havent heart from her a quite long time…. and the he will be the one who will start to text you and call you, but eve if that will happen, still u not gonna run to your mobile phone like a mad… u wont respond straight…. after u get a message to ur phone. u gonna respond to him 3 hours laterr… with someting ……. or u want tak a call straight… u gonna let the phone ring… cuple times…and get a text message and then u gonna answer… u must make him to believe u are a busy woman and you not gonna make a shit… if he calls u or he text you…..he just cant take u for granted ……the man never can be sure abt you….rember that! let HIM TO WORK HARD… TO GET YOU AND EVEN IF HE GETS YOU,,, REMBER TO HAVE YOUR OWN ACTIVITIES ALSO GO OUT WITH FRIENDS……… THAT HE WILL BE THE ONE TO RUN BEHIND YOU…… LIKE A TOM AND JERRY… AND U ARE A JERRY. LOVE YA….ADRIANA

    • Annette says:

      Wonderful advice! I dated a guy for about 7 dates. Really liked him. He was very attentive, sweet, took me out all the time. And then came the “time for sex”, and I wasn’t ready. Well, he became distant, stopped calling, said he had mixed feelings and felt a shift. I said great, lets shift to the friend zone and he agreed. So, I have not called him or texted him for over a week. Now he is texting benign little messages checking to see how I am, saying good morning and good night. No flirtatious banter…just very friendly. I respond in kind. I keep in short and sweet and very welcoming. I am dating other men now, enjoying my time. If he wants me, he knows what to do. But I am not hanging around waiting for him. Going to get back into caring for me, my mind and my body. Ladies…there are plenty of fish in the sead. You are a queen bee, and men will be drawn to you like bees are drawn to honey. Take care of your bodies, your appearance and your mind.

      Love you all,


  7. Taylor says:

    I have known him for over two years and it has been an on again off again relationship. He reached out to me in December and we have been hanging out every since. Texting every day, seeing each other once a week, (we both work a lot) and things have been great. He confides in me personal things he says he doesn’t tell others and I believe he is sincere. Of course the sex is amazing but he always says he enjoys just laying in my arms the most and sleeping with me all night. We shared the holidays together and he even bought me a valentines day gift and sent a card. Now, every since that his communication has just stopped. I have text him once to see how he was and he said that his sister had visited and that he had been working on his house. I haven’t heard from him again. Its been two days since then. Im not going to text him again, im going to let him reach out I just don’t understand how it can go from hot to cold so quickly.

  8. Destinee says:

    Hi kristina,
    He used to text me everyday and he seemed very sincere with everything, but before me he had never been in a relationship and had never been shown affection. Once we started dating and had been together for a while, he got me out if my comfort zone and I got him out if his. But now he says he can’t handle all of these emotions at once and that he just needs time to process it all. I think I’m in love with him and the waiting is killing me. I’m devastated. How long does he need space? How long do I need to wait? How do I keep myself from going crazy?
    Thank you.

  9. Nancy says:

    Hi Kristina
    just need your advice – I was seeing a guy for a few months and we were close. Then his dad passed away and everything changed. He was unable to give me what I needed due to this loss. He still isn’t himself and has noworries withdrawn from me. But we have an immense connection. Will he come back to me?

  10. Lonely girl says:

    I have a bf for 6yrs all of a sudden has change when I caught him with his snapchat account.there was a girl saying that he was the gf.he chatted with her and I don’t have any idea since when they started.i asked my bf but he denied after a few days another girl send picture kissing my bf at the cheeks and saying IMiSSyou…we had fights and he didn’t say any words to me. The other girl who said she was a gf chatted with me and saying he talk with my bf all the time she’s in Thailand.i and my bf in dubai.after a few days my bf said he need space&time..i don’t know what to do.i want to give him the space but what if the space I will give will be the reason for their relationship.i was so confused so I was still sending him sms.

  11. thando says:

    Hi kristina
    I need your hepl i met my boyfriend on the 8th of february this year he was sweet, very loving and always with me. We will call each other, text each other now things have changed he doesnt call at all i tried to be strong and i didnt call him also but last week saturday it was cold n i was lonely i foned him n i told him about the weather and i missed him, guess wat!!! he came ohh i had great weekend he left monday morning. Kristina the sex was so great, bonding together on sunday we went out for drinks together came back and had great sex. I love this guy so much. Monday morning before he left i sat down with him and i asked him why hes been so quite? no calls, sms, email nothing for 2 weeks? if i didnt call you n tell you that i miss you when he was going to call me? his answer was dat hes been busy when i asked him more question he asked me if hes in court now?? pls help me what to do i love this guy so much….

  12. caroline says:

    HI I read that when a man has broken up with you it is hard for him to get back to you because of his pride and also because he is afraid you might reject him so what should i do ? shall i send him a nice message so he feels i m not gonna reject him if he decides t make a new move at me

  13. sue jensen says:

    Hi Kristina,
    I need your help. I have bought your books and studied everything. I’m in an on/off relationship with a man I love who did love me but says he has lost the feeling. I’ve done everything to get the feeling back and it has improved our relationship but I suspect he’s seeing other women. He says they are just friends but I see the messages on his phone and it upsets me. We are no longer intimate but he won’t break up when I ask him. I don’t get what I want but he won’t let go of my heart either. He runs hot and cold and I don’t know what to do? He says he wants the feeling back and I’ve tried everything. The problem is that even if I do get him back I’ll always be wary of him going cold again. He thinks affairs are ok if you don’t love the person, he’s very proud and needs loads of ‘building him up’ which is exhausting. I gave up everything for this man who seems to play with my heart. I am also going through a divorce and it’s exhausting. I am devastated things are not going well with this man and don’t know what to do? Can you help? Sue

    • Sue,
      I have been there and I’m so sorry. When a guy gives you a reason why cheating is ok, that’s a toxic relationship. Let me ask you this: You’ve read my books– what do you think I’m going to tell you to do?
      You know what to do, the problem is not that. It’s how to do it. The simple answer– it’s like ripping off a bandaid– all at once. No contact, just go. I’ll write a newsletter about this soon.bgoodluck and believe in your right to be happy.

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