Look, a commitment phobic man has trust and intimacy issues and had those problems LONG BEFORE you ever showed up in the picture. However, there are some things us gals do in a relationship to make a man hesitant to commit.
Dr. Phil says we shouldn’t speculate but instead just measure when trying to predict how a relationship will turn out. By measure he means measure the future against the past. If your man has a history of savoring his autonomy over mutuality, than chances are this pattern isn’t going to miraculously change in your favor. You don’t have to speculate, for example, on how he will treat you if you get married, you already pretty much know.
I always tell women to stop trying to change a man, to fix him, to hang onto the “if only he _____” in hopes that he will transform into a knight in shining armor. If a man is a commitment-phobe, it may be best to cut your losses now instead of hoping he’ll commit. However, sometimes we are quick to slap a “zero accountability” label on a guy who ends up marrying another woman once we cut him loose.
Here are some ways we turn him into a commitment phobic man:
1. We victimize ourselves. Look, in every great relationship both partners have a mutual understanding that empathy is necessary to love. A good man who is smart about love will put your needs first and will ask you do the same. You both will care about and tend to each other’s feelings and needs as a priority and won’t judge one another during “needy” and “weak” moments.
However, sometimes we either flat-out abuse our partner’s empathy or we can’t capture the balance between “I want you to be there for me; I will be there for you, too” and we end up the one who needs too much emotional attention.
Read More Love Advice On Connect With His Heart: What To Say When He Won’t Commit To A Life Together!
Men love to comfort and offer emotional support, but they can’t handle too much emotion being thrown at them. Their computer crashes and they just shut down. Your constant need for his opinion and comfort turns you into an annoyingly weak and whiny woman in his mind; empathy is soon replaced with apathy.
Try to take care of your emotional needs best you can and refrain from being negative and helpless too often. You may just think that you are expressing yourself and being open about your problems, but he may be crippling under all your anxiety, sadness and negative energy.
Find the balance between giving and needing attention and make sure to stay positive and be constructive about your feelings, not just harp on and on about your needs to the point of feeling like a victim in your relationship.
2. We push for more. Sometimes we women push for commitment too fast, too hard and even when it’s not really what they want. A woman could push a guy to ask her to move in with him, not because she wants to live day-to-day with his toilet habits and horrible TV choices, but because she just wants to know he cares enough to want to live with her.
Even if you really, really do want the commitment from him and are ready to settle down in a life-partnership, your pushiness isn’t helping. A man wants to feel like he’s the one in control of the pace of his relationship otherwise he might feel powerless. When a man starts feeling powerless, he gets resentful. Even if he really does want the same things as you, once he starts feeling powerless (voiceless, unheard, drowned out by your needs, etc.), he will quickly convince himself that he has to fight against whatever it is you ask for. Everything with him becomes a tug-of-war and you BOTH will end up feeling controlled.
Read More Commitment Advice From Connect With His Heart: Showing Affection Won’t Make Him Commit If He Feels Smothered!
3. We don’t enjoy the ride. He fell for you because you are fun, sweet, sexy, silly, etc. He wants to have great sex, laugh together and feel like he is on vacation when he is with you. He doesn’t want to feel like each moment with you gets spent planning (“Let’s talk about the future” “Should we get on the phone and invite friends over next weekend” “Let’s organize a plan to move in together” “Let’s talk about where we should go to lunch and what our week is going to look like.”)
If you can’t even enjoy sex with him without thinking about the 10 other things you have to get done that day and/ or analyzing his behavior to the point of not remaining in the moment, you are pushing him away. Intimacy is about being present and having a playful, open, connected energy that invites fun, happy moments. Men need and crave this. They don’t want to feel like some accessory you drag around while planning, managing, controlling, organizing the rest of your life.
4. We are too accommodating. Most modern women are afraid of the words “needy”, “nagging”, “demanding”, etc. so they act like everything is fine in their relationship when things aren’t fine. If a guy thinks that you will let him get away with murder, he will slowly start treating you with less and less respect and giving you less and less attention. A man wants a woman who can call him out on his crappola. A woman who knows how to stick up for herself and her needs in a relationship is desirable and attractive.
Sometimes men don’t even know what they need. They think, “Oh, I love my male freedoms and I love not being nagged”, but then they get a girl who likes her own space and never asks anything of him and soon feel unwanted and almost useless in the relationship. A woman who knows what trust, intimacy, mutuality, closeness and respect mean to her will be the Love Guide in her relationship and teach the guy the valuable assets that partnership has to offer. Sometimes a self-proclaimed commitment-phobic man will begin to see the advantages of being responsible to a tightly woven relationship.
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