When He Needs Space, Here’s What You Do…

boyfriend left me, boyfriend says he needs space, distancing himself, does space mean its over, he needs space, he said he needs space, he said he wants space, he says he wants space, he wants space, how long does it take for a man to come back, how long should i wait for him, is he stringing me along, men, my boyfriend said he needs space, relationship space, space, space in relationships, stringing me along, what does space mean, what men need in relationships, when a man takes space, when he needs space, when he takes space, when men need space, why do guys need space, why do men need space, why does he need space, why men need space, will he call me, will he come back, will he leave me

Has your man come to you and told you that he need space from your relationship to think about things? Here’s what you do…


The words “I need space” are dreaded by lovers and partners everywhere and can leave you feeling confused, panicked, and rejected, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can actually be an opportunity to bring you both closer together.


Most of us already know that men are from Mars and that translates to them needing time by themselves to investigate and figure out their feelings and thoughts. However, when he says he needs his alone time, there are still things you can do that will help sway his decision in your favor.


Here’s the deal. When a man takes space, there are two things usually happening inside him:


  1. There are aspects of the relationship and/or his life that are making him doubt whether he wants to stay involved with you.
  2. There are aspects about you that he loves enough to make him say he needs space instead of “Goodbye.”


Number two is what you need to bank on when he says he needs space, while practicing the following technique. It’s called the Love Him, Letter Him, Let Him Go technique.


See, there are things you can do to leave an impression in his head that he won’t quickly forget.


Step One of the Technique: Get a handle on your feelings.


When you are used to spending a lot of time with a man and feel extremely emotionally connected to him, and then he tells you he wants distance, myriad uncontrollable emotions can UNLEASH inside you. You can feel panic and extreme anxiety. You can feel deep sadness and strong anger. All these feelings are valid and healthy reactions to a loved one pulling back.


However, YOU MUST love him and honor his need for space, too. And this is really hard to do when your feelings are so strong that you don’t know how to get them in check.


Read More From This Log Advice Blog: How To Connect With An Emotionally Unavailable Man


You want to beg him, question him, continue to call him. You want to maybe scream at him or cry fat tears of desperation and confusion while asking him, “Why?” over the phone. If you’re like me, you’ll want to drive to his house in the middle of the night in a state of sheer panic. Basically, you might feel tempted to act in ways that you are not proud of.


This is normal for a woman who is in touch with her feelings and in love with a man. It is normal to feel like you are fighting for your life and being ripped from someone very important to your existence. So, don’t judge yourself for your feelings, thoughts, and actions when a man pulls back.


But let’s talk about how to get these feelings and thoughts and actions in check, so that you can make a man feel like you care about HIS NEEDS and HIS WISHES and are not just in survival mode, ready to fight tooth and nail for the love you want, regardless of how HE FEELS.


To get a handle on your feelings, you first have to give yourself permission to release your feelings. You have to let yourself cry and scream as much as you need to. You have to have a space in your house where you go and just allow yourself to feel everything. For me, it’s my bathtub. Know yours and go there!


Once your negative fear-based feelings are out in the open, I ask that you informally meditate.


Light candles, take a shower beforehand, and put a soothing CD on the stereo.


Take deep breaths and go inside yourself, taking inventory of your body.


Try to stretch and loosen up tense areas. Once you feel like your body is responding to your attention and movements to ease it, I want you to concentrate on your heart.


Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog:  If He Feels Smothered, Showing Him Affection Won’t Bring Him Back


Imagine your heart glowing with a bright, powerful EMERALD GREEN LIGHT.


Imagine this light expanding to envelop your whole body, encasing your whole being in a bubble of all-loving, all-trusting, healing, positive emerald love light.


Let this powerful, sparkling, dense light soothe you and hold you. Imagine you are being held by God or by your mother in this green light.


Allow it to comfort you and caress you. Allow it to SOOTHE your thoughts and feelings.


Once you feel calmer and more at peace, you can do step two of the technique.


Step Two of the Technique: Begin thinking lovingly and positively about your man.


Think about his face, his smell, his house, his car, his laugh, etc. Think about all the things that define him and make you love him.


Feel your heart warm over with love for him and deep CARE for him as a person.


Then open your eyes.


Go get a piece of paper, and with loving feelings flowing through your heart, make two lists:


1. A list of all the things you love about him.

2. Another list of all the things you think he loves about you.


Take a look at those lists and circle three things on each list that you feel are the most important things you two love about each other.


Now, you are going to do the third step in the technique.


Step Three of the Technique: Send him an email or write him a letter!


In this email or letter, you are going to mention:


1. The three things you love about him.

2. THREE memories that correlate to the three things you know he loves about you.


Read More Relationship Advice For Women Here: How To Be Confident With Men


In this email or letter, you are also going to do the following:


1. Tell him you respect his need for space and will honor it.

2. Mention your feelings about his request for space.

3. Tell him that you care enough about your relationship to wait for him as long as you can wait.

4. Tell him you will honor and respect any decision he makes.

5. Reassure him that you will be okay no matter what.


You aren’t going to have any PULLING energy in the email.


What does this mean?


You aren’t going to tell him anything that makes him feel smothered, controlled, guilty, or fearful of losing you. DON’T WRITE ANYTHING THAT’S ABOUT PULLING HIM BACK TO YOU INSTEAD OF SURRENDERING TO HIS NEED FOR SPACE.


  • You aren’t going to threaten to not be there when he gets back.
  • You aren’t going to tell him how you are not eating and how you cry on the floor of the shower for hours.
  • You aren’t going to tell him you want to spend the rest of your life with him and have his babies and you KNOW he is the one you’ll be buried next to for eternity.
  • You aren’t going to beg or plead.


Your letter is A GIFT of love to him, not a manipulation to leave him feeling like he has to be with you or else he is a total jerk.


Here’s an example of one such email:


Dear John,

I respect your need for space and want you to know I will honor your request for as long as you need.

I also want you to know that I am angry and hurt and confused right now, but those feelings will pass and I won’t allow them to cloud my love for you.

I really do love and care for you deeply. Your smile brightens my day. The way you bring me medicine when I am sick lifts my spirits faster than Airborne works on my congestion, and your kind texts every morning when I wake up are like a tiny bird singing to me to join the day.

I too will think about us during this break. Mostly, though, I will think about the good memories you have left me with: the time we spontaneously went to the movies in our PJs and laughed the whole time in the empty theater; the time you cried at how good my spaghetti was; the night our sex was so amazing, we named it.

Love, I want you to take your time, and whatever you decide, I want you to not worry about me, because I will be okay in the end.

I respect you enough to be patient and to honor your decision about our love.

All my heart,



If you write this letter, you will leave him with a good taste and will show him that you care ABOUT HIS WISHES.


Read More Relationship Advice For Women:  What Do Men Want In A Woman?!


You will be reminding him of the goodness in your relationship, and you will be reassuring him that he makes a difference in your life. Men need this to feel like a relationship is working for them.


You will also be FREEING him up not to feel guilty and worried about you. Guilt actually makes a man want to run, because it creates pressure and makes him think that if he stays and it doesn’t work out in the future, he will destroy your life.


DON’T go on and on in your letter and squeeze in every moment of every memory, or go into detail about all your feelings about him and his need for space. Too many words will feel draining and overwhelming for him.


Now, once he does take the space, have a friend on hand. Have a friend you can call when you are jonesing to contact him, and make sure this friend is POSITIVE and CALMING. Tell them that you only need their strength and patience, not their fears and opinions. A good friend will understand what you mean and will be available to you during this hard time.


Resist the need to rehash everything with family and friends and question his love a thousand times. Meditate, focus on things you love, don’t do things you don’t love to do, and give yourself permission to feel your feelings without marinating in them too long.


In the end, if he comes back, let him guide the pace of things, because you love him and are willing to surrender control of the unknown and control over the relationship.


In love, we invite, we surrender, we risk.


And, remember, just because a man needs space, doesn’t mean he is gone.  Have faith because sometimes it takes space to close a gap.


Sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter and learn more of my relationship advice techniques!


If you want to know how to bring your ex back, check out my colleague’s popular and very effective program the Ex Recovery System by clicking here.

Related Links

Text Your Ex Back To You

Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Now

The Plan To Making Up With Him


  1. maria says:

    Hi Kris!!! I love your website. So proud of you. I think this post is so true and the advice is great but I’ve also seen both through my own experience and tons of friends another reason why a guy might say he “needs space.” Sometimes a guy is too big of a wuss to dump a girl so instead he says “he needs space” to let her down slowly. It’s pathetic, but I’ve seen it. He thinks (because he actually does care about the girl) that this is the way to tell someone they care about that it’s over without having to hurt them. I get why it happens and I’ve actually done the same thing back (I know so pathetic) but I didn’t have the guts to end it so I said “I needed a break,” hoping it could sort of just end.

    Anyway just wanted to share my thoughts. Love the site. Keep writing! xoxo, Maria

  2. Carol says:

    I just got through reading this article and I’m going through this right now. I have been with my boyfriend for four years. This past March he was under a lot of stress and asked for space. I gave it to him and he was calling me three days later wanting to see me. We took things slow but were getting back to normal. I felt we never dealt with the “space”, meaning I never got to say how hurt I was with it. Lately, it was coming out of me, wanting to talk about our relationship. He said he loved me very much but felt smothered. I became needy (after much reading, I now know this is not a good thing to do) and now he has asked for space again. I haven’t seen him in three weeks, but he has kept in touch weekly telling me everything he has been up too (being a Dad, catching up on his shows, and golfing with his buddies) In his last two text, he said he was thinking of me, but hasn’t asked to see me. I’m playing it cool and not texting him unless he text first, but I’m heart broken. I did text him this past Saturday to wish him good luck in his tournament. He texted back thanks and that he saw this bird and thought of me. Is it over? Is there still hope for us? I don’t want to ask him in fear of setting him back even further.

    Please advise! Much in love, but very much heartbroken!

    • There is definitely hope for you. He said he felt smothered. He probably just needed to take some time for himself and think about whether he can truly handle your feelings in the relationship. I have a feeling that the problem lies in HOW you are talking to him about your feelings. I wrote an article on this blog http://www.connectwithhisheart.com/dont-hide-your-negative-feelings-from-a-man/ that takes you through the steps of talking to a man about your negative feelings.
      I know that when a man takes space, it is scary, but when he is telling you he feels smothered, you have to find ways to communicate with him without overloading him. The best way to do this is to express yourself clearly, calmly, directly and from a vulnerable place. Do so WITHOUT needing anything from him. Give him room to respond and come toward you. DOn’t try to suck from him, but let him offer. If you feel you have a side of you that panics often, think about meditations. In IHLFY, Sarah and I offer the Turtle Re-Coup exercise to help you stop from putting your anxiety onto a man. All the best.

  3. Vicki says:

    Hi I’ve just found this site, I love this website- it has really opened my eyes to things. My boyfriend asked yesrerday for time to do some self reflection, to think about his life. He does get quite stressed and I understand that. He pulled back for a week or so before that and was a bit distant, I asked him nicely if he needed time away from me and that I fully understood, and we laughed together and he agreed it was less comfusing just to ask for some time. there were no hostilities, I asked was the time to think about us but ne said no, just self reflection. He’s very straight talking so I didn’t question it at first but then I got thinking- he’s not taken time out from his work, his mates, the pub, kids, family etc, it feels like its only me he wants time from? I don’t quite get this as when I like time alone to reflect, I mean time alone, just me, a break from everything?
    He has phoned tonight and I genuinely missed the call, he left a nice how are you type message. I’ve called him back and left a short voice mail, I’m really not sure what to make of it all!

    • I think it’s best to wait for him to call you again and when he does, BE HONEST. So often, when we have doubts or concerns, we sweep them under the rug and ACT happy and fine when interacting with our man when we don’t really feel that way. If his space is confusing to you, tell him right from the jump, before the niceties, how you currently feel. Tell him you care about him and want him to feel less stressed but that you feel confused and concerned. Let him “cradle your heart” by keeping your speech short and speaking from a vulnerable place inside you.

      Get more into your feelings when you speak with him. Are you in touch with your emotions? Do you cry to him or expose your soft side to him when you are honest? Or do you hide your feelings and try to be the “understanding, nice” girlfriend who is solution-oriented– the kind ISN’T soft, sexy, sensual, vulnerable and feisty? Men love a woman’s feelings (despite what we’ve been told by society and even by men). Men don’t like drama queens but they love women who always share their feelings from the heart. It softens a man’s masculine edges when you are in touch with your feelings and share them.

      I wrote an article about how to express negative feelings to a man http://www.relationshipadviceinspirehisloveforyou.com/dont-hide-your-negative-feelings-from-a-man/.

      Men want us to be vulnerable and true. This makes them feel trusted and makes them feel needed. They don’t want to be attacked, blamed, or drained, but expressing your true feelings in this particular issue is very important. He may currently feel like he doesn’t have to explain himself to you because you are so understanding, but that truth is he needs to be more communicative and accountable to you (especially because you FEEL CONCERNED). The understanding girl isn’t attractive. she’s easy to step on. The girlfriend with lots of personal boundaries that he must respect is VERY attractive because she KNOWS she is worth his VERY BEST BEHAVIOR!
      Share your feelings and if he is a good man with honorable intentions, he will comfort your feelings and try to make you feel more safe in the relationship.

  4. Joy says:

    Hello, I found your website very helpful. My BF and I are 30. We’ve been together for 3 years. We have always been a very mature couple. We were at a point in our relationship, where we started looking at homes to move into together (we currently live seperate) When all of a sudden one day, he tells me he needs a break. But he gave me a “end date” to this break. And he said, on this specific date. If I agree to pick him up from the airport, he will have a surprise for me. I do feel he needs a break since technically he was single only 6 months in his 20’s. He was off and on with a girl for 6 years. Single 6 months, then I came along. Its been a great relationship, but now Im so hurt, confused, and angered. He also mentioned “maybe someone will scoop you up while Im away, its not something I want, but that is the risk Im taking by asking for this break.” I’ve dropped 15 lbs since this break, I cant sleep… Im so depressed. Is this his way of slowly breaking up with me?

    • I’m so sorry you are in this situation and that you have suffered so much. I think the best thing for you to do is write him this letter but NOT to state that you are waiting for him. The letter will help you feel like you are doing something for the relationship and it will help you feel less out-of-control. Follow it step-by-step exactly.
      I want you to be VERY GOOD to yourself and treat yourself to a spa day and some new clothes. Work out as much as possible to help you sleep better. I also want you to find ways to lift your spirits: a new hobby, a passion-project, ect. Push yourself to get out there and smile. And finally, I want you to PROMISE YOURSELF to flirt with all men you meet– ugly ones included. This is just to help you feel more confident inside, and to help you see that this whole thing is not about your attractiveness.
      If and when he comes back, you have to be VERY clear and firm about what you want and need and what you will NOT put up with. Even though it is common for some men to pull back when things get scary close to the serious committment, they cannot just hurt us and make us scared while they disappear for a while. You have to be very clear about this not happening again if you are to take him back. If he can’t promise that then you have to tell him you can’t offer exclusivity until he is on board with your definition of commitment! Then go out and date other men even if it upsets him. Show him YOU mean business.
      All the best to you and again I am sorry. What he said to you was very harsh. Lots of love!

  5. Mary says:

    Hi. I just found your site and figured you may be able to give me some insight on how i can handle what it is i am going through. I am fortunate to have some positive friends whom are currently there for me and most can give similar advice however i feel after reading what you and others wrote your words may sit more permanent in my head.

    I was with my bf or possibly my ex since december of last year. We had an amazing, effortless realtionship for a little over 5 months until i decided to screw it up. It was not intentional by any means but i let it get out of control with my ex which led me to not think clearly. My current and i spent the foolowing 2 months (as he had no clue) going through these ups and downs because i needed space from everyone to figure out my head and he didnt understand as i was not totally upfront with him. We spent like everyother week breaking up and then getting back together a few days later because i couldn’t let him go. We both had fallen for each other by this point but had never expressed it until we starte to go through this. During our times of “breaking up” i tried to see if there was anything with my ex (daughters father) to see if my head was just spiralling out of control because i was needing help with her and didnt want to burden my current bf with it. I did sleep with my ex a couple of times… all of which repulsed me. Right away i knew i had to get him out of my life but i didn’t know how without him doing any kind of damage to my relationship that i truly wanted to work on. I finally got my daughters sperm donor out of my life and started to work hard and building my bf and i back up. I was trying to build us for a few weeks to show him i do love him and want to make us work before i told him what happened so he would see that i was really wanting to be with him. The day i had chosen to tell him my ex decided to send him several emails with all sorts of stories… some truths, some lies. I was meeting my bf in Hawaii that evening for our vacation however by the time i arrived it was too late for me to sit and have the talk with him as my ex beat me to it. We spent the week together going over everything and still trying to have a decent time. he didn’t want to deal with it until we got home… to Florida. We came back and after a couple of days I offered him space in which he took but only for a day. He came over for dinner the follwing day… We texted quite a bit over the next few days. His mom was coming down from OH for 2 weeks to watch my daughter while my parents went out of town and i was at work so we decided that her and I would stay at his place with his mom to make things easier. We had our ups and downs during that time and towards the end he started to get distant. Two days before she left he decided we needed to take a break from us. he felt us spending all that time together without allowing him time to process what has happened would end with a death sentence for our relationship. It was very emotional for both him and i but the following day after work I went over his place, picked our stuff and my daughter and had an emotional goodbye for now. I promised to give the space that he needed and deserved but that doesnt make it any bit easier for me. I am doing my very best to honor his wishes as I know if we stand any bit of chance this will be a dealbreaker if i dont. I reached out yesterday (1 week later) and just sent a text saying “i know its only been a week but it feels like an eternity. Life sucks without you” his response, “sorry to hear that, but it’s going to be a long time before i even consider anything. ” My response was “I understand and plan on giving you the time you have requested for. I know how i feel and will be here whenever your are ready to talk or whatever”. And that was that.

    We had an amazing relationship before all this. I honestly feel i was possessed by doing what i did. That is not me… never has been. We had our time and what he called our family time. He took to my daughter to the point he felt like her father. They have a special bond. He and I also had a special bond. I miss him more than life itself and I am dying a thousand deaths without him… I can give him the space that i know he needs but without knowing if we will get back together or not scares me. He is my true love. And I know I was his. Do you feel your advice in this column would pertain to me as well? Everyone that has met him and seen us together and seen him with my daughter says his love is undeniable. They think over time he would be able to get over this because everyone could see that we were meant for each other. I believe this to be true n my heart. I know respecting his wishes is very important but i feel like there is more i can do. I know in some way he wants to see if i am going to find someone else or go back to my ex or wait to see if i actually mean what i say…. thats ok by me. I am not going anywhere… but i want to save us and save our future. What can I do? can I still do your suggestion above?

    Thanks for your input….

    heartbroken in tampa :'(

    • Wow. You have had quite a drama-filled few months. Have you read the book Women Who Love Too Much? It may help you. I don’t know you or your man but I have a feeling that you ruined the relationship because you were scared of closeness and because you feel you don’t deserve love. It sounds (from what he did with his emails) that your ex is a drama queen and I have to say you sound like you like drama too. A lot of times, we stir up drama because it’s what we know. Did you come from a drama-filled home or do you have abandonment issues? I feel like you ruined your relationship because the intimacy was so foreign and uncomfortable for you deep down in your gut. If intimacy and closeness are not familiar to us, our unconscious mind kicks in and lies to us. We get bored in the relationship, we get irritated, we get curious about exes and the list goes on. It all happened to me. I had a fling with a guy who was completely toxic but I couldn’t stay away and I ruined a new relationship with a good guy because I felt “annoyed” that he was so nice. Truth was, I felt, deep down, that I deserved the jerk and not love.
      My advice is to write the letter. I devised this letter for women who do impulsive thing (continue to text him, drive by his house, etc) to alleviate anxious feelings. you seem like you may do these things because you have a lot of anxiety right now. Writing the letter will help you feel you are doing something to help things and it will help you move on without him while you wait. I have a feeling you are not going to be able to stay away from him and that the more he makes you wait, the more out-of-control and obsessed you will become. You have to deal with these feelings and not try to pull him toward you. You have to breathe, write in a journal, talk with your friend, and I strongly recommend therapy for possible abandonment issues because I think you have TOO MANY strong feelings inside from your past that are being relived in this relationship for you to handle without professional help.
      He may or may not come around. I honestly think you have to deal with some personal issues before you dive into a relationship again. You treated him very badly and I think you did this because you wanted to kill your closeness. You went behind his back and destroyed all the trust in your relationship by making yourself a bad person in his life. I’m not sure if you did it because you wanted to kill the closeness or because you wanted to recreate a pattern that I feel you have lived for a long time: that of the bad guy. Here’s what I mean: your ex sounds dangerous. He sounds manipulative and you seem to be afraid of him by how you didn’t want him to do anything to destroy your current relationship. Only a very selfish and destructive person would do what he did with those emails. It seems like you were constantly treated, in that relationship, like you were deserving of punishment and manipulation and control from him. You were made to be, by his abusive personality, to be a bad person and you probably believed throughout that relationship, on a subconscious level, that you deserved that abuse. I have a hunch you came from a emotionally abusive family, because I don’t know if you see how gross your ex behaved and I don’t understand why you were ever with a person like that.
      Now… because of your abused mind, you have made yourself the bad guy in a good relationship where no one was the bad guy before. And you have killed your chance at happiness. This pattern WILL repeat unless you do something about it and that something is going to be A LOT of work (think therapy or spiritual work).
      For now, get help, I really hope you do. You deserve love and a good man like your current bf. I don’t know if he will take you back and I don’t even know if he should right now. I think you need to focus on building intimacy in all your relationships outside men at this time. The best place to start is your daughter. She needs you right now from what you said about problems you are having with her. Work on building the trust, closeness, kindness, patience, and communication with her, and do not lie to her about ANYTHING, don’t make promises you can’t keep and don’t get on her case too much about any and everything. Goodluck.

  6. Pea says:

    my boyfriend and I started dating this february, It was pleasant for a while, then he began to talk about this plans he had for himself, work and all. He has mentioned for a while now that he is really depressed about not getting a job on time. he bacame distant for a while, and when i questioned him, he explained that he was scared because he has a good thing (me), and might not have the resources to hold on to it. i assured him that i loved him, and he shouldnt worry about that. This month, he asked for a break after i demanded explanation as to why he doesnt talk to me as much as before. I panicked. i was confused. i was sad but i dint let him know how I really felt. i called him up the next day to let him know that if it was becos of the pressure he is going thru, I was sorry for not being very undersatnding. i also asked to know if the break is a permanent one or a for a while, he said he just needs some time. i deleted him off my BBM.
    but i see him every time on twitter. i see his tweets, he sees mine but we dont talk. Im scared. i miss him so much. im really hurt. should I send him the msg you wrote? I put up a strong wall to cover up my emotions. im usually scared of showing emotions to guys. should I do that this time?

    • Yes, you should write the letter to him. It’s time to start being vulnerable in front of your man and letting him see your true sensitivity. Your emotions are the best window a man has into your soul. The more he sees your soul, the more he loves you. We can love a person for the traits that we admire (ambition, humor, sexiness, etc) but those qualities are not going to create the type of STRONG BOND that is needed to make love truly thrive. Men need emotional intimacy to feel in love in a deep way and most of them need a truly feminine woman to be the Love Guide and show them how to be vulnerable and share feelings in a relationship.
      Though it was understandable of you to panic and be confused over him needing space, I have to say that you also sound like an impulsive person– deleting him from your BBM because he needs space is not something that a calm, level-headed woman does. It sounds like a form of punishment and/or an immature form of getting his attention to me, especially since you don’t really want to go No Contact. Maybe this space is a good time for you to do some self-reflecting and think about the kinds of things you do and say that make a relationship harder than it needs to be. It’s also a good time to think about what you feel you deserve in a man.
      You DESERVE a man who doesn’t just take space and not talk to you about how he feels first. Startling you with a need for space is a sign of a man who can’t communicate his needs and feelings. He’s probably been stressed out about things for a while and instead of talking to you , he let things bottle-up until he just backed off. When he comes back, if he does, you need to be vulnerable YET FIRM and tell him exactly how you feel and what you don’t want:
      “I feel hurt and abandoned. I don’t want a boyfriend who takes space instead of trying to first talk to me.”
      Then see what he says. Be calm, loving and open to hear him. Don’t let your fear of being exposed and rejected stop you from having a quality talk about things. A good man will listen and respond back to your loving and honest words with loving and honest words. He will be attentive and will make good of his short-comings best he can.
      Good luck.

  7. LK says:

    Hey Kristina,
    I have devoured a lot of websites this past week, and of them all, I like your spirit and advice the best. Can I tell you a bit about my issue…?
    I am 51, my Bf 54. The most amazing, gentle, loving man on this earth. Had a very, very bad ex and has been divorced for 5ish years. I did, too – and divorced about the same time, but I am not as hurt from the divorce. His ex sounded very abusive and was pibolar, and didn’t take her meds. He is an incredible father, which is one of the many things that attacted me to him. We actually knew each other in high school, but only to say hello. Well, his sister basically set us up, to go out as friends and it kicked off fabulously. He asked me to be exclusive pretty early on, after a month or so. He has been a perfect gentleman, the whole time. We do things with his grown kids, with my younger kids. He called or texted me 3 times a day, to touch base, say hello. I set up my boundary in the beginning that I wasn’t a ‘guy caller’, so that I wouldn’t be tempted and he has been so good at it. We have had very few problems, only ones being, when I have felt a bit sad, if he didn’t call me on a Friday to get together. That seems silly, call on Friday to go out Friday- but we were through the pomp and circumstance, I thought. He knows I dont have to be totally wined and dined. I love just watching a movie with him at his house, or with me, at mine.
    THEN… I got upset about church. He is catholic and I am prodestant. He goes more than I do, but we didn’t go at Christmas, and then I asked about Easter. Through a bunch of goofy things that occurred (he was to be out of town, then he ended up here) – we didn’t go on Easter either and I was upset. My first Easter ever w/o my kids. Anyway – I wrote him that it wasn’t any way to have a relationship if we couldn’t even go to church together.
    Well,he actually called me Easter night and told me he missed me. Then, that was it. The next day, no call, no text, no nothing. So I got panicky. I wrote him and said – What is UP? He was very short and FINALLY called me where he proclaimed he needed space. I told him he owed it to me to talk to me face to face, so FINALLY he came over Monday night. He blamed it on being overwhelmed, being a “simple guy”, blah blah blah. Boo hoo. But, that is what I did. I cried b/c I was so blown away. A week and a half later and I am still blown away. I trusted him! He texted me 4 days ago and said”how are you”. I replied with “Who is this” and a funny smile. He said “that’s a cute face”. I asked how he was, he said fine, but busy. and that’s the end. Not a dang word. Was he just dipping his big toe in the water to see if I was going to be upset or cry or fuss, OR was he seeing if I was totally fine and I will be fine as he skips away from our relationship?
    He did mention early on that he had to get his feelings straight before he was “ALL IN”. He told his sister that “I” said “I” was ALL IN, and it was all or nothing for me. I NEVER EVER said that. But it’s what he heard, somehow. I think he is spooked, as spooked can be!
    After I cried last Monday night, I did call and tell him that he needed to figure out things. He asked if he could call me and I said, “no, don’t call me until you get it worked out”.
    I am sad, crying everyday, mad, hurt, and I don’t understand why this happened. I can’t just take the answer…Men just fall out of love? I know he loves me… or he did.
    What do I do?

    • LK, thanks so much for the compliments about my blog. I’m so glad you’re getting something out of it! Okay, so, from the li’l I know of this man, I can say that a bipolar ex will wound your self-esteem. Not to mention that there has to be something there with him from childhood to have been with her anyway. So, you are dealing with a man who is very cautious with women and has experience with women who have severely deregulated emotions. Not only does he probably feel powerless and afraid of a woman’s emotion, he probably gets very ANGRY about how powerless he was in the past to help her and himself through all the chaos caused by her disorder.
      So, here you come along– you seem lovely and you seem to also have a great spirit– and you start acting like a normal woman (we get a li’l emotional from time to time) and immediately all his trauma of past relationships with women (I’m guessing it goes deeper and much younger than with her) is triggered. HE starts kinda acting bipolar himself, as a result. You say something that you probably shouldn’t have said “It wasn’t any way to have a relationship if we can’t even go to church together!” (or at least said it differently) and BAM!– he’s triggered. At first, he says he misses you to soothe you and ease the upset (in his mind you have become the bipolar wife attacking him all over again and he has to quickly attend to her emotions). Then, once he sees that things are fine and he’s not in a danger zone, he pulls back.
      The simple (normal couple) fight you two had overstimulated him and his emotions got deregulated. All his fear and anger and sadness and all the stuff that was left by his ex came up.
      Now all you can do is wait. I do think that you should write him the letter suggested in this article. Also explain that you are writing him, even though you told him you didn’t want to talk, just so that he knows how you feel. The letter will help because it’s less immediate emotion coming at him.
      I want to you understand what you are getting into with this man. If you are to love him and be with him, you are going to have to have a serious pair of “kid-gloves” and an arsenal of quality communication skills. He has been traumatized and until he can work through that with gentle, tender, light and patient love, you are going to have to be careful what you say and how you say it.
      Are you ready for that? Now, that doesn’t mean you accept poor treatment. You should still communicate on everything that bothers you. However, you are going to have to be clear, direct, honest, up front and very calm when dealing with him.
      So instead of getting upset inside about Friday nights– tell him; “I feel a little less sparkle inside hunny when you don’t make a friday night plan in advance with me. Can we talk about this?” Instead of what you said about church, you say; “I feel very angry and sad inside that we didn’t get to go to church together this Easter. It would have meant so very much to me, love.”
      Do you say what I’m saying? My boyfriend has a lot of trauma in him too– unfortunately so do I. It made our relationship a disaster for a long time. I was overemotional about everything and he was way too sensitive and would pull back from me for days. It was a terrible match but we worked it out.
      If you have trauma from your ex, you have to talk with your man about it when he comes back to you. I think he will come back. Once you have told him something like; “I understand that you needed space and I respect that but it feels really awful to be rejected that way. Maybe we can come up with a way for you to take space without my feeling so hurt. What do you think?”… then you say something like this; “I want you to know that I never ever mean to alarm you or hurt you. I get upset about things and maybe I’m not perfect in how I respond. I’m trying. My past with men has scarred me just as yours has you. Can we talk more about this and how we can work together to be there for one another and create a safe place together in this dating relationship?”
      I think he will really respond to being treated this way. Your job now, while he takes space is to see this space as a blessing from God. It’s time for your self-reflection and to see how your relationships with men have hurt and guarded you. It’s also time to ask God to show you how to remove your self-worth from your man’s limitations. He is acting like this because of his past and when you can see that it’s not about you, you can be there more for him without it hurting you so much.
      One day, you may see that his trauma is too much for you to take or he may break it off, but I think this relationship is presenting a wonderful learning environment for you to embrace better communication skills and to heal the pain that both of you have experienced. That’s the beauty of love– healing together.

  8. kd says:

    Hi Kristina,

    I love your blogs!

    My bf and I had been dating for 11 months. In our 9 month, he got promoted, received a big projects with lots of issues, bills and the renovation of his parents’ house. I was very understanding, we had petty quarrels most of the time but we were able to work it out. He is working even on weekends, we only see each other every weekends. Until we weren’t able to see each other again for 3 weeks! Last May 29, I was very mad and I said I’m letting go. He didn’t reply, he didn’t text or call me after that until now. I’ve read a lot of articles, doing yoga and stayed positive as I was thinking maybe he really needs space. Last Saturday, when I checked my FB I saw a picture of him and his colleague having fun in one of the karaoke bar and I feel really devastated. I was angry & hurt so I texted him and I said goodbye.

    He told his sister in law which happens to be one of my bestfriends that he still loves me & nothing changes and he is just confused right now when it comes to our relationship. He said he’s not yet ready to talk to me though he’s ashamed of me of what he is doing right now. Does he still love me??

    However, I’m still in love with him and I want him back. Though I wanna give him the space he needed. I’ve done that it’s just that when I saw the picture I was really mad coz he was having fun & I got jealous.

    Should I send him the letter? After all that I’ve said and I already said goodbye :(

    Thank you.

    • KD,
      Thanks for the compliments about my blogs! I really hope they can offer assistance! So, here’s the deal…
      No wonder he’s confused, love. I’m confused! I don’t understand what happened. You say that you weren’t able to see each other for 3 weeks because of his job and that you got mad and said you were “letting him go”. Then at the end of your comment, you write “I want to give him the space he needed.” Did he need that space or was it required of his busy schedule? Did you push him away or did he ask for space from you?
      I think you may be taking some things too personally. If the man has issues and needs to work, he needs to work. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who has to work that hard, then find a new one. However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that his busy schedule, or his way of prioritizing work has anything to do with your worth. It doesn’t. Some men prioritize work and that is just how they operate. Too many women think that a man doesn’t love them if they aren’t prioritizing the relationship– it’s not to be taken personal. It’s about his priorities as a person and relationships aren’t his priority right now. He could be with ANY woman and it would be the same.
      As for the photos that you saw– how can you blame him if you were the one who said “i’m letting go” He probably thought you needed emotional space. You played a game with him: “He is not giving me attention because of work and so I’m going to pull back and make him come to me.” And your game backfired.
      Why did it backfire? Maybe he feels controlled and doesn’t want to play that game. Maybe he just doesn’t have the desire to prioritize a relationship right now.
      I think that you DO need to have a talk with him or write the letter. In the letter, be very clear about your feelings: “I was scared that you having to work hard meant you didn’t love me… I pushed you away because I feared that you didn’t love me… I want to be with someone who makes me feel they have time for me… If you need to prioritize work, that’s fine, but then I have to move on.” Speak from your heart but without the drama. Be vulnerable but less susceptible to your feelings of worthlessness. He does love you and care for you. Maybe he’s just too immature for what you need and that’s not something you should take personally. Once you write the letter and talk with him, then you two can have a better idea of whether you can fulfill each other’s needs. Right now, there is a lot of ignoring and pushing each other away. He is not stepping up and you are stepping around.

  9. Michelle B. says:

    Hey Kristina, I really found your article very informative. My bf and I of 10 months are no longer together. He says we need space. I have been insecure from a previous relationship that left me doubt to trust in someone else. So the last few months of our relationships was very chaotic. We argued a lot and I found myself worrying that he was going to cheat on me. I did a lot of things that I shouldn’t have done. I found myself going through his phone, checking his wallet, and looking at his Facebook page although we weren’t friends on any social networks. Now that we have broken up, he says he needs time to think about our relationship to see if we can salvage it. I am afraid because it’s been a week and I feel like he has no intentions on wanting to work on our relationship. I love him dearly but I don’t want to be hurt either. I am trying to give him space but I am also afraid that while anticipation reconciling our relationship, he will call and say that he does not feel that our relationship will work out.

    Thank you,

  10. Mariana1103 says:

    You article has been very helpful and I am hoping that you respond to my dilemma. I have been dating an amazing guy for 6 months now and all has been going well but just yesterday he asked for space. Now in all my life, I have never been asked by someone for space so I was very confused as to what that entailed so I asked for clarification. He said it’s not over but that he needs time to focus on his son (from a divorce) and himself. I did send him an email letting him know that I fully support the space that he needs and that I’ll be here to support him in anything that may come up. Of course I am hurt but I also think that space is a great opportunity for me to also focus on myself and my life. At first I thought we were broken up, but he insisted that it is just some physical time apart and that he is excited for a future with me but just needs some alone time NOW, he also said that he doesn’t want any attachments to anyone and is not interested in finding anyone new, so I trust him. It’s all I can do right? We will still text, talk and email but maybe not see each other until he feels up to it…all of which I am fine with now, but it totally threw me under the bus when he first told me. And it also scares me that things will probably change, but that’s the way love goes right? My advice to others out there and to myself is to give it time…the amount of time you give it is up to you because we can’t give up our lives to just wait until someone is ready for us…life is too short! Hope this helps someone out there and if you have any feedback for me, please post!


  11. worriednlost says:


    After months of my now bf courting me I finally gave in, I fell and I fell hard he is a few yrs older and a single father of two boys.after spending every week night together for a month he and I got into a lil thrift about three missing condoms which his friend came by and took them….ok a bit fishy but he was genuinely hurt that I accused him his life is work his boys and now me. I felt stupid and he still assured me he lived me were fine, the next day he had to pick me up from clas I made him wait a bit and he was at work from 1 am til about 10 am I get it he was tired and theddumb fight the night before he goes I feel bad sometimes cuz I’m always tired I don’t want u getting mad but I need time to sleep .at first I was hurt but made him know I getit the next am I forgot that we said I was going home so I jumped to thinking really he wants to be done.that drive home we argued but I was expressing my concern n love n apology he text me saying well be fine I love and its about being a individual and coming together I take it he feels I’m nit pulling my weight but I just graduated college Friday when he leftu etc, the next day he goes to the states I don’t hear from him all weekend then Mon after texting him its urgent to talk he called me expressed his love etc and ended the convo with I love u all week we’ve been texting but due to him being a father he has his boys and is off on vacation but hasn’t offered to c me in this time I tryst him but I’m starting to feel weird. But the texts are still the same playful I’m lost

  12. lady says:

    I met my American bf two years ago in vietnamw hile having a short holiday. To cut the story short we exchanged email addresses and started chatting. He visited here in the phils last year and we met up in Bangkok Thailand again for the 3rd time this month and spent almost 3 weeks together. We get along very well. we had fun together.but once in a awhile my insecurities attack me.i have been jobless for a year now.and he works for a french in Wall Street in New York as a banker. He got an ex who he works with and every now and then I cant
    stop to get jealous of his ex. The day of my flight back to phils he asked me to hand his phone to him and I saw a
    chat that says wifey,and I snapped without even asking him.i started freaking out and even accused him of not
    being serious about our relationship. It turned out that
    what I read was a group chat and it was his coworker
    calling one of their co-workers wifey and he showed me
    the whole thread. Then he got so upset with me and said
    he can’t deal with my jealousy anymore. He sent me to the
    airport but wasn’t able to really talk.what is clear to me
    was I disappointed him a lot. I tried my best apologizing but it’s been a week since we parted ways (he’s now back
    to ny) and he is still giving me cold treatment thru chat. He’s been ignoring me for 2 days now. I terribly feel bad
    about my being unreasonably jealous and I want to prove
    to him that I want to change but it’s super hard since we
    live 100000 miles apart;( I hope you could adv me what to do. I really need help.
    UpdatE: he said he needed space for a few weeks to figure out where to go from here. I said I will respect it.after 3 days of no contact I sent him a message via chat and he was upset cause he feels I’m not honoring his request.I made a promise again to him that I will give him the space that he wants.I’m just worries he might not believe me anymore.you think he still loves me?

    Sorry to bother you. I just need someone to share my thoughts and feelings with.


  13. Diana says:

    My boyfriend is 29, I’m 26 and we’re been together for 2 years now and lived together for 1 year.
    We spend pretty much all the time together – we lived together, we go to work together because we work for the same company (thank god not in the same department), we go out together and he needs his time alone and space. He’s more an outgoing person, he likes to be the center of attention, to go out and have fun, while I’m more an introvert, I can have fun also on my own. I like to go out with him but I also feel good at home so he says sometimes that I’m acting like a wife although he appreciates when things go smooth around the house.
    He gave me the i need space talk and I moved out a week ago. He says he loves me and he’s not worried about our relationship. He only wants to see how is it on his own – to see the minuses and the pluses and if his ready for fully commitment or not. He stated that we are not on a break.
    He still calls me and wants to see me and spend time together or stay over night. He doesn’t want me to move completely out.
    I tried to act distant and mysterious. What do i do?
    Thanks, Diana

    • Well, first let me say I’m so sorry. That must have been awful to have had to move out. Yuck. My heart is with you! Second, I want you to stop acting distant and mysterious. That’s going to come off weird because you don’t want to be distant and mysterious, you want to bridge the connection and you want him to stop acting mysterious. So throw the games in the toilet.
      Now, what I do what you to do is find your center. Find your grounding. Do you meditate? You should start, even if it’s via exercise like yoga. I want you to journal about all your feelings– feelings about him and about life. Be gentle with your body and be loving with yourself. Don’t take on too much at work and don’t try to fill your schedule with friends and other people. You are in introvert and that’s okay. Get out and be with loved ones, but do you.
      Allow this time to be space for you too. Space for you to ask yourself questions about what you want for your future. Try not to think about what he’s thinking. It sounds like he loves you very much, he just needs a chance to make that big decision about a life with you. You guys work together and live together and that’s too much sometimes. You may be like me and not need tons of friends and be content with your partner around a lot, but it may just be a lot for him sometimes. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He just needs space to get some of his integrity, his autonomy back. Make sense? I think if you just take this time for yourself, love yourself and trust that everything will be fine, he will come back stronger than ever.
      Let him do his thing and don’t worry. Don’t push him away further to punish him or to show him that you can be a “sexy enigma” that will keep him on his toes. That’s immature crap. Just be you and keep clear of him for now, honoring his need for space.
      When he does come back to you, have a calm and loving heart to heart and tell him how everything made you feel.
      But DON’T let him yo-yo you. If he’s taking space, he’s taking space. Tell him firmly that you want him only to contact you when he knows for sure that he wants to be with you in a committed long-term thing.
      xx k

      • Diana says:

        Thank you so much for answering back.
        I’m trying to do my best for me. I’m hanging out with the girls, starting to go to the gym again; usual stuff that I did back in the days where I wasn’t focusing so much on us two.
        I’m answering his phone calls, being nice and happy ’cause now he’s going through renovating his house and has a lot to do and to talk about.
        We plan to see each other over the weekend – hopefully I’ll manage to only enjoy the moment and not to over think things.
        It’s hard to be back to the point of dating once you had “the full package”.
        I guess I have to stay strong.
        Thanks again for the kind words,

        • Diana,
          You’re so welcome. I hope you took the time to read everything I wrote, including:
          “But DON’T let him yo-yo you. If he’s taking space, he’s taking space. Tell him firmly that you want him only to contact you when he knows for sure that he wants to be with you in a committed long-term thing.”
          I wouldn’t see him this weekend. You aren’t back to dating, that’s crap. You are together or not. Don’t let him get his cake and eat it too, it’s not fair to you and he will end up thinking he can have little regard for your feelings and needs. He knows you aren’t happy with the current situation, so why does he “date” you now? He’s thinking only about his own needs. Be firm and direct and strong– he doesn’t get to see you or communicate with you until he tells you he wants to get back together! Period.

  14. Kris says:

    I found this site at the perfect time! Thanks for all your advice. I’m finding myself in a tough situation and am not sure how to deal with it…my boyfriend and I have been together 7 months, pretty much inseparable during this time except for the past month. He has a young child from a casual fling 3 yrs ago and is trying to work out that situation and move on, since the mother is a little nutty, to say the least. This last month his work has been crazy busy and he said he needs time to get everything settled with work, and his son to show up for me as fully as I need and deserve, because right now he is overwhelmed with everything. He says it is not a breakup, he is not interested in meeting anyone or mingling with other women, that he literally needs to be in his “cave” and he asked for 3 months space (3 weeks ago…we are coming on 1 month of his “space”). During this time he said he had to see me at least once a week and maybe more, and to tell him if I was unhappy with the situation, because he could not lose me, and this “space” is to prevent a real separation where we would actually break up. We spent a little time together the first three weeks and then he got super overwhelmed again and now we are on official space where he will call me in a week to check in and I told him I will leave him alone to get his stuff in order because I don’t want to be resented later and because I felt bad and hurt. I don’t know what to do now. He says he loves me and this is for us to be together fully, and please let him get stuff with baby’s mom settled like he should have before we became involved. I’m just feeling very hurt. I want to call/text, especially because I didn’t hear from him on Thanskgiving. But I also don’t want to give in when I said I was backing off. What do you think is the next step? Leave him alone? Write a letter? Officially break up? We both have said we are soul mates. Which is why I’m confused that he wouldn’t want support during this time of getting everything in order.
    Thanks so much!

    • In this case, don’t write him the letter. Just do your thing and DON’T agree to see him or talk with him until he is ready to be 100% with you. This sounds fishy. I think he’s still tangled in his ex and all her drama. When a guy talks a lot about another women (especially if the talk is about how crazy she is, etc.) he is not done with her emotionally. I just think his telling you what he needs during this break from you (phone calls once a week, etc) is beyond selfish. You need to take care of yourself or you are going to feel like a doormat in a few weeks and the resentment will be REAL! Go do your thing and when he contacts you say:
      “Like I said, I feel bad and hurt and I want you just to get stuff in order and then contact me. We will both see where we are in our lives at that point. Take care.”
      And then go do your life. But if this guy comes back and starts this stuff all over again (my hunch, I’m sorry to say is that he would) then I want you to cut off all ties and find a guy who would never yo-yo you like this.
      Good luck!

  15. Saiwan says:

    I just found this website, the timing can not be more perfect for my situation…
    me and my boyfriend are both on our 20’s. we’ve been together for about a year now.
    But last week he suddenly asked for some time alone..
    I did’nt know how to respond to this and immediately stated bursting with tears, I could’nt say anything, i was just shocked.
    He tried to cheer me up and he held me tight saying he is sorry and he really cares for me and respects me, he is just confused, he doesn’t know what he is feeling. He assumed it’s just that the spark is gone.
    So we said we will give it some time and meet again in 2 weeks, and see how the “space” has worked on both of us.
    I really do love him, we’ve been best friends for a long time before we started dating and I was used to have him around me. We’ve been in the army together in the same unit, but I finished my duty a few months ago. He has one more year to go.
    I feel like this is some sort of my fault, since i had a breakdown, having problems with my family and also had a surgery, so we stopped making love for 2 months now. But he was supporting me this whole time and he didn’t put pressure on me.
    I was questioning this whole time we didn’t make love if we are going to get through this, and I even asked him that, he said that he won’t let it ruin our relationship and he is always here for me.
    When i left the army i was having a hard time finding a job and it led to me being home for 2 months, it sort of made me go crazy and I felt so alone and lost my self confidence, I may have sent him too many text or called him too much. But I also figured that out and apologized, it’s a result of me being currently unemployed.
    Anyway, the day he told me he needs space, I ironically found a job, but I didn’t mention it when we spoke. I couldn’t speak at all. All these conclusion came to me about 2 days later, that this might be the problem in our relationship.
    I feel like I have so much to tell him, that I got my s**t together and I am hoing to be alright, but I want him to be a part of it too. I know he misses me and he constantly asking friends how am I doing, he is just confused.
    And I want him to know that this relationship CAN go back to normal and we could make a new start, it has obviously a tough period for both of his. I respect and cherish him so much for supporting me in my hard times and I want to be able to help him too thos time.
    But I just don’t know if I should wait for him to make contact or try moving things myself.

  16. Jenna says:

    So pleased I have found this blog, wow there are a lot of ladies going through this topic!
    Ok so I had been seeing a guy for nearly 4mths. We lived around 40 miles away from each other but met up as often as we could. We would text, fb message ev day and had great time when we were together, couldn’t stop talking to each other even when we were watching a film lol. We both said how comfortable we felt with each other. We have both had a bit of a messed up past relationship history and I had dealt with mine but I guess maybe he hadn’t dealt with his maybe? All was fine and dates were set to spend the wkend together again and then he started to act distant. I could feel it change, the messages became less and the content also was short and not really answering back, not giving as much as before. I felt like he was blocking me out and didn’t want to share with me anything anymore. So I sent him a mail and asked him if he was ok and if I should be worried? He came back with I’m sorry I’m not ready for a relationship and I cant offer you any commitment and friendship is all I can offer to anyone at the mo. He said he needed time to focus on himself and his career and had to do this on his own and it was the best thing for me to do this or he would drag me through hell along with him. He said he really liked me and thought I was great but if we could be friends.
    I told him that I was hurt and upset and didn’t understand because I thought everything was going well and that I thought taking it slowly was what he had wanted and understood this because of his past break up.. which was really bad and a long relationship. After expressing my hurt and how its hard for me to just get rid of any feelings I said that I would offer him support and hope that he finds himself and gets better and all goes well with his job, hopes and dreams and that if he wanted to contact me he knew where I am.. This is a fresh situation for me and at this time of holidays maybe has made it harder seeing everyone happy with loved ones has just made me feel worse. I had fallen for him and will try not to text him in this time and see what happens. But I hope so much that he will come back. I thought I found my soul mate and now I feel broken. Its so hard as Im sure many have felt before. We were both so honest and open with each other, we not together long enough to fight or anything like that. He basically wants me to get on with my life and its hard to hear because it seams like he wants to not be in it anymore? :(

  17. Patricia says:

    My boyfriend recently told me that he needs some space and alone time. We have only been seeing each other on the weekends and sometimes on a Thursday night. We broke up in October and he came back and then right after Thanksgiving and he came back. Here we are in early January and he needs space again. We have been dating for 9 months and are both mature adults. He has joint custody of a 13 year old daughter. She and I have a close relationship. We just had a wonderful holiday and a great weekend. He calls me everyday at lunch and usually at night.Yesterday, the lunch call was great and he said he loved me and had a great weekend. I didn’t get a call last night but did not panic even though I am insecure about the recent break ups. Today, I called him at lunch and he was really irritable. This is when I got the news that he needed space. He doesn’t want a breakup but needs to take care of himself. He says he put on a pound or two and feels bad about himself. He is also renovating a home that he lives in and he will flip and do this al over again. I am a professional woman and make good money. He is struggling with money. I don’t mind paying for dinners, movies etc. we were so in love the first 6 months and he couldn’t stand to be away from me. When he started pulling away in October, I admit I was Nagy and emotional. Then in November’ I really let him know how I felt,which was very upset and I really fussed. I know my mistakes and I have really changed this time. I know I deserve someone to love me the way I love him. I just don’t get why he is so hot and cold. How could he be so in love for months to this. We both had bad past marriages and his was probably one of the worst, I have ever heard of. In 9 months, I haven’t seen him with a single friend. He is alone most of the time unless he is with his child. Do I just move on or will it be like this forever. I truly love him. He said that in the beginning of our relationship that he hadn’t had a girl friend in a long time and was so excited about the relationship. What happens? I am a people pleaser,I have cooked, arranged trips and outings for he and his daughter, bought gifts. What the heck is wrong with me to put up with him?

  18. Emily says:

    My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up a week or so ago. We loved together for around 6 months. He reasons for breaking up were that he’s not sure if he wants to settle down anymore and if he wants to settle down with me. He tends to over think things and often says he feels anxious about things. He feels as though settling own means he’s losing opportunities to do other things but he says he also feels like he could be making a huge mistake in breaking up with me. His last relationship followed pretty much this same pattern. He’s going to counceilling and said he let me know how that goes. We sort of left things that we’re no longer together but he needs to sort himself out and then we’ll reassess. I’m finding it very difficult not to push him for answers but understand now that I need to stop. His family believe that I’m the one for him but I guess I’m confused about whether I should move on or wait or just try and be a supportive friend to him? He seems very messed up at the moment!
    Thanks for any help you can give me!!

  19. Help says:

    Thank you for writing this article! My boyfriend and I are younger, and we’ve been dating for almost 8 months now. Everything was going great until 5 days ago he was really rude to me and my parents. It really wasn’t like him. So later that night after he dropped me off at my house and we were texting, I confronted him about it. And he said he knew he was being rude and he was sorry. Shortly after, he said he was going to sleep. I didn’t hear from him again until 3 days later! And all he did was ask me if I wanted some mini golf clubs I had left at his house, and said that his sister had found them in the garage and wanted to give them to his younger cousins. I asked him if everything was okay since I hadn’t heard from him lately, and all he said was “been busy.” So yesterday, I copied and pasted a paragraph that he had texted me about how much he loved me, and how he needed someone in his life and I was the perfect fit, and that he hoped I never left. Along with copying and pasting, I asked him if he remembered saying that to me and if he would please tell me why he has suddenly distanced himself. He said that he wasn’t doing it on purpose, he said that he was coming home from football practice and going to sleep. He said that he loved me, and he was sorry. I told him I loved him too, and then he said he was going to nap. I haven’t heard from him since. (It’s only been 24 hours though). But I’ve been so depressed and I don’t understand why he hasn’t just flat out told me that he needs space. I don’t understand why he would even need space! We only see each other like twice a week! I love him so much, and I can’t possibly let him go. Is this the end? I don’t know how to react. Please, please help!

  20. ronnie says:

    hi. i just dscovered this site and i think its amazing what you are doing. my bf of a year decided to give the relationship a break. he said he feels we need to give ourselves space. i asked why and he says he feels there is no connection. i tried to understand his explanation for the “no connection” but i didnt really get it. he was nice enough to call me when i got home to apologise again and said he’ll get in touch. he also said he hopes we remain friends. male friends say its either he means sex for the no connection or there is a basis for comparision (which means maybe there is someone in the picture. although a friend once mentioned an ex in the picture). am confused. please help

  21. Tanya says:

    Hi I just read your blog.. It did give me some positivity.. But am confused.. I’ve been dating my bf for one year and seven months now… It was all good initially but off late while we were in a long distance relation for five months we argued and fought a lot. And I after every fight and silly arguments used to ask for a break up.. Though v never did… It would not last even a day.we both love each other truly and loyally.. However one fine day he said he needed space and I panicked… And kept texting and calling him for a few days.. Finally he agreed to Neet me.. But wen he met me it was like nothing had happened between us… It was all so romantic and lovy dovy.. We kept seeing each other fr a week when he was with me during this week we were good but since he had said he needs space he would turn cold shoulders towards me on texts… And suddenly after a week again he said I need space…I was heart. Broken completely… So I asked if he wants to be completely out of contact and what did he mean by space… He said we can talk and meet at times but as friends and that he is not breaking up… He just wants space… I asked if hell be seeing other girls while this time to which he replied… I might or I might not…. Please suggest me what should I conclude… Is it over??? Should I try to move on… Or should I wait for him as I love him soooo much…….I just want to be with him forever and ever… He is the love of my life.. I can’t just live this way without him!.. Please help me!

  22. Hurt and Upset says:

    Hi. I hope that this works for me. My boyfriend and I had a huge arguement this past weekend over my insecurity. Now he doesnt give me a reason to feel this way. He doesnt talk to other females or stay out all night. I guess i just feel intimidated by his ex-wife. Everytime she calls or we talk about her I shut down. I ‘ll ask some crazy question like ” Would you get back with her or do you think about getting back with her?’ Now I know she will always be in his life because they have children together, so I need to get over this. The issue is this isnt the first argument about this -its not the second or third either. Everytime we have argued about it, I said I would change the insecurities or stop the silly questions. But I havent. In are argument he said that it always has to be about me and I’m selfish. H said he didnt know if he wanted to continue the relationship because of the arguing . Well i thought about the argument and went through the begging and pleading with him. This morning I asked would he forgive me he said yes and can we try to fix things and he said yes. Well he actually said yes ok and left it at that. I asked why hes acting so cold and distance. He responded with your not allowing me with the space to get myslef or thoughts together. He said again I was selfish. HBut he is acting cold- we live together and he is hardly speaking to me, won’t touch me and hardly looks at me. I know I need to give him space but I’m so dscared this is the end. Just a week ago we were talking about getting married and picking out rings. He had introduced me to his family as his fiance and told me im his everything. Now this!! I dont know what to do… Please help!

  23. Aditi says:

    I’ve been with a guy since the past eight months. It’s a long distance relationship and as it suggests, it’s not so easy.
    We’ve been really good for the initial couple of months. I don’t know what happened then, things started deteriorating. Feelings started dying. We fight a lot these days. He gets mad at me for no reasons and when I try to find a reason, he feels I’m being nosy. There are trust issues, too between the two of us. If I talk to a another guy, he gets annoyed and abuses me. He feels pampering me is not his job! “I’m not your father’s slave who’d pamper you”, said he.
    I have been calm all the while because I felt he’d realise his mistakes and return. He did return but wasn’t guilty. Once when we had a fight he was like “Will you get the f**k out of my life or you want me to actually kick you out?” I was really hurt. He apologized for that later. I dont know if I believe his apology or believe in anything he says. “I love you” are just void words he is forced to say. He lives all alone and has no one to make him feel less lonely. He has me but he keeps on hurting me. I haven’t given up yet cause I love him with all my heart and feel it’s a phase. But now, these things are distracting me alot and I am unable to think! I’ve been depressed since the last week. Please tell me what to do.

    • Why do you think you should have to put up with his abuse? Because those words are abusive. I have a feeling that he would be even more verbally and emotionally abusive if you lived close. I could give you some idea of who this type of guy might be but it’s not important, because it would not be good. Did you have an abusive childhood? Who spoke to you like that? And who was the parent that was never around? Does a pattern seem to emerge with the anger and the physical and emotional distance? This is about a lot more than this guy.

      • Aditi says:

        As I told, I’m putting up with all this only and only because I love him and I know he feels the same. But since the past few months things have changed.
        I had a great childhood. No one except him has ever abused me and maybe that is the reason I cannot forget it.
        I think I should stay away from him but I cannot do that. Kind of addicted to him. It’s not as easy as it seems. :(

  24. Tonya says:

    I met my boyfriend through him selling me a truck. I am currently in the military in school and will be going back active duty when I graduate. He knew this from the beginning and stated he was willing to follow me. We did go all in at the beginning; we each have one child from previous marriages. Once during the relationship I was upset and did not speak to him for five days. Apparently that did not sit well with him. Also I was just getting out of a relationship and was torn for awhile and he knew this and “tried to show some compassion”. Long story short, he needs time to figure things out, he is not sure if he is ready to commit to a long term relationship anymore. He feels pressured that he has to make a decision about the next level soon, due to my military obligation. I have told him that was not the case and stop putting so much on himself. I’m hurt, devastated and feel betrayed, because he wanted all of these things at one point. I asked him if the relationship was over and he said he could not definitively say yes or no. It has been 4 days and we had a talk yesterday when I was told he just wasn’t sure and he really needs space. Should I send him the letter or the conversations we have had is sufficient enough. I will give him his space, that is not an issue, I just don’t want to lose him. I really love him and it’s only been 4 months. We both have met each other’s family as well and done things as a blended family with the kids during the summer.

  25. Heartbroken says:

    I have read a lot of articles and I don’t know if they’ve made things worse or not.
    Me and my ex were together almost 4 years … We have a car title together and apartment and conjoined
    Expenses like car insurance ect…
    He is only 24 and I 23
    But we have been in many ups and downs in the short time we were together
    He left me two months ago:(
    During these holiday times. Towards the end there was constant fighting
    He would constantly going out on “guys nights”
    Coming home at 6 am sometimes 3 times a week:/
    And I would become stressed and we fought often. He said one day he needed time
    He felt like he was missing out on a lot with his child hood friends (all immature men)
    And. He left … The first few weeks in was angry and hurt sending mean texts and he would try and tell
    Me things like ” I’m not what you need” and ” this is for the best”
    It went on for a month
    Recently we started talking but he never made an effort to see me:/ we have gone on one
    Date last week since he left and I accidentally let him know how angry I was about his priority being his friends
    By bombarding him with texts and texts sweet and angry!!!/.^
    He didn’t like that and now he’s been ignoring me
    He finally answered and said he cares for me but if it’s ment to be it’s ment to be
    And that he already told me he needed space and that all this messaging is pushing him away:/
    How do I get him back
    I want him for Christmas and New Years it’s been so hard and I can’t stop these urges to message him
    I feel like there’s so much to be said and questions to be answered
    Help please :,,(
    Thank you <\3

    • He needs to grow up. And you deserve better. Find your strength, your grounding. And don’t let him come back into your life right now. You need a more supportive relationship. If you do speak with him tell him that you feel angry. Say “I feel angry and I don’t want to date someone who decides to bail when things get tough.” And then don’t say anything else and see what he says. If he blames you, hang up.

  26. herroyalopti says:

    my boyfriend ask for space just recently and i got confused, sad and thought he was going to leave me he called and told me he has a problem in which he wants to solve but he will come around after he overcomes it.. i love him so much and am scared am gonna loose him but after reading your letter i sent him one and am hoping it works out how i want it cos i love him so much.

  27. Hon says:

    Hi all,
    I was with a guy for about 6 month. Everything was great at the beginning. He was soooo into me, he called several times, and we had a really good relationship, till one night that we had sex. I was virgin but that night I lost my virginity. In our culture, usually girls should be virgin till their marriage, but we live in canada! After that, I had a very bad time, I felt soooo bad!and he said our relationship is complicated! I didn’t even understand what did he mean! we were together for 2 month after that night, but he suddenly started to get space, he became cold! Once I saw a picture of a girl in his computer but I didn’t tell him anything. It was weird because some facebook photos of a girl was saved in a folder with her name! one night, I asked him to explain who that girl is and I saw he is contacting his ex in viber, they were texting in viber! after one week, he stopped calling me and I called him and asked what’s going on and why he is changing! then he said I need space. I hang up and that night he called me again but I didn’t want to talk to him! I texted him the day after and told him:I respect your need for space and I like you, so I think it’s better not to contact for a while. Then he responded: thanks for understanding me! I’m under pressure and I need some time to relax and think what I want. I hope everything will be fine at the end!
    After 2 weeks something came up that was related to our relationship, I contacted him and asked him to call me. He called me after one day and we talked about that issue. And we met after 2-3 days. He said he is thinking and it’s not a breakup, but people break up sometimes! and I said we cannot be in space forever, so let’s pick a deadline. He said he is ok with whenever I say. I said we were in space for more than 2 weeks, 2 more weeks would be enough! and last wednesday, 2 weeks passed and I didn’t hear anything from him. Also, last weekend was his birthday but I didn’t send him a text or anything else. I don’t know what should I do now? do I have to call him and ask him to talk? I like him so much and I want this relationship to work, but I don’t know what should I do. but I don’t know if he is contacting his ex or seeing the others! Please help me what to do now…..

  28. Susie Q says:

    My situation is this: my BF was married for 18 years then she divorced him. 6 months after their divorce he found me on a dating site and we started talking. We talked until two in the morning The first week or so. We discussed our previous relationships and I asked him if he would take his ex back, he said no way. I met him 2 weeks later and he told me he was in love with me. It took me awhile but I did eventually fall in love with him.
    We talked a lot and emailed a lot at first. He bought me flowers everytime he saw me. He always treated me well and we talked a lot! He met my children and I was introduced to almost all of his family. I have become very close to his sister and mom. Everything was going fine until he saw his ex wife’s parents and he started to pull back. I of course saw it immediately and began to question him as to what was going on. I do have to say that her parents did not want them to divorce and they are control freaks and was one of the problems in their marriage. When I asked him what was wrong… He would always say nothing just tired, stressed or busy at work. He does have a high stress job. However, I knew it was more than that when he stopped wanting to make love. I of course questioned him on that too! I was trying to get to the bottom of what was going on and he would clam up. I would ask if he wanted to break up or see other people and he would always say, “no… I just want to continue to date, improve and see where it goes.”
    Now, I recently found out he sent a text message on New Years eve to his ex but she did not reply.
    He keeps telling me and his family his head is not on straight. I told him on New Years day he was free so he could get his head on straight. He did not make one single comment at the time. The next morning before I left I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too but Didnt have his head on straight…
    I Know his ex has called him since I set him free and told him he needed to stop visiting her parents and stop contacting her and move forward with his life. I actually know his ex and she told me she called him because she wants us to be able to move forward. There is no hope she will go back to him.
    I am hurt, confused, and a little angry. What do I do? What does he mean? Is this his way of breaking it off thinking it will cause the least amount of pain for me? Is is doubting our relationship or is he still in love with his ex? Is there a chance he will come back to me or am I harboring false hope? Please help!

    • Susie Q says:

      BTW: there were a couple of days around the holidays when he didn’t contact me at all and when I saw him and asked why he didn’t call me he said he was too stressed. We did spend Christmas with his large family and exchanged gifts. After Christmas he called me a couple of times then stopped calling again. He has not contacted me since I told him he was free but I did call him briefly once to tell him something. He doesn’t call, email or text me at all now. Is this relationship doomed?

Leave a Reply