When He Needs Space, Here’s What You Do…

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Has your man come to you and told you that he need space from your relationship to think about things? Here’s what you do…


The words “I need space” are dreaded by lovers and partners everywhere and can leave you feeling confused, panicked, and rejected, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can actually be an opportunity to bring you both closer together.


Most of us already know that men are from Mars and that translates to them needing time by themselves to investigate and figure out their feelings and thoughts. However, when he says he needs his alone time, there are still things you can do that will help sway his decision in your favor.


Here’s the deal. When a man takes space, there are two things usually happening inside him:


  1. There are aspects of the relationship and/or his life that are making him doubt whether he wants to stay involved with you.
  2. There are aspects about you that he loves enough to make him say he needs space instead of “Goodbye.”


Number two is what you need to bank on when he says he needs space, while practicing the following technique. It’s called the Love Him, Letter Him, Let Him Go technique.


See, there are things you can do to leave an impression in his head that he won’t quickly forget.


Step One of the Technique: Get a handle on your feelings.


When you are used to spending a lot of time with a man and feel extremely emotionally connected to him, and then he tells you he wants distance, myriad uncontrollable emotions can UNLEASH inside you. You can feel panic and extreme anxiety. You can feel deep sadness and strong anger. All these feelings are valid and healthy reactions to a loved one pulling back.


However, YOU MUST love him and honor his need for space, too. And this is really hard to do when your feelings are so strong that you don’t know how to get them in check.


Read More From This Log Advice Blog: How To Connect With An Emotionally Unavailable Man


You want to beg him, question him, continue to call him. You want to maybe scream at him or cry fat tears of desperation and confusion while asking him, “Why?” over the phone. If you’re like me, you’ll want to drive to his house in the middle of the night in a state of sheer panic. Basically, you might feel tempted to act in ways that you are not proud of.


This is normal for a woman who is in touch with her feelings and in love with a man. It is normal to feel like you are fighting for your life and being ripped from someone very important to your existence. So, don’t judge yourself for your feelings, thoughts, and actions when a man pulls back.


But let’s talk about how to get these feelings and thoughts and actions in check, so that you can make a man feel like you care about HIS NEEDS and HIS WISHES and are not just in survival mode, ready to fight tooth and nail for the love you want, regardless of how HE FEELS.


To get a handle on your feelings, you first have to give yourself permission to release your feelings. You have to let yourself cry and scream as much as you need to. You have to have a space in your house where you go and just allow yourself to feel everything. For me, it’s my bathtub. Know yours and go there!


Once your negative fear-based feelings are out in the open, I ask that you informally meditate.


Light candles, take a shower beforehand, and put a soothing CD on the stereo.


Take deep breaths and go inside yourself, taking inventory of your body.


Try to stretch and loosen up tense areas. Once you feel like your body is responding to your attention and movements to ease it, I want you to concentrate on your heart.


Read More From This Relationship Advice Blog:  If He Feels Smothered, Showing Him Affection Won’t Bring Him Back


Imagine your heart glowing with a bright, powerful EMERALD GREEN LIGHT.


Imagine this light expanding to envelop your whole body, encasing your whole being in a bubble of all-loving, all-trusting, healing, positive emerald love light.


Let this powerful, sparkling, dense light soothe you and hold you. Imagine you are being held by God or by your mother in this green light.


Allow it to comfort you and caress you. Allow it to SOOTHE your thoughts and feelings.


Once you feel calmer and more at peace, you can do step two of the technique.


Step Two of the Technique: Begin thinking lovingly and positively about your man.


Think about his face, his smell, his house, his car, his laugh, etc. Think about all the things that define him and make you love him.


Feel your heart warm over with love for him and deep CARE for him as a person.


Then open your eyes.


Go get a piece of paper, and with loving feelings flowing through your heart, make two lists:


1. A list of all the things you love about him.

2. Another list of all the things you think he loves about you.


Take a look at those lists and circle three things on each list that you feel are the most important things you two love about each other.


Now, you are going to do the third step in the technique.


Step Three of the Technique: Send him an email or write him a letter!


In this email or letter, you are going to mention:


1. The three things you love about him.

2. THREE memories that correlate to the three things you know he loves about you.


Read More Relationship Advice For Women Here: How To Be Confident With Men


In this email or letter, you are also going to do the following:


1. Tell him you respect his need for space and will honor it.

2. Mention your feelings about his request for space.

3. Tell him that you care enough about your relationship to wait for him as long as you can wait.

4. Tell him you will honor and respect any decision he makes.

5. Reassure him that you will be okay no matter what.


You aren’t going to have any PULLING energy in the email.


What does this mean?


You aren’t going to tell him anything that makes him feel smothered, controlled, guilty, or fearful of losing you. DON’T WRITE ANYTHING THAT’S ABOUT PULLING HIM BACK TO YOU INSTEAD OF SURRENDERING TO HIS NEED FOR SPACE.


  • You aren’t going to threaten to not be there when he gets back.
  • You aren’t going to tell him how you are not eating and how you cry on the floor of the shower for hours.
  • You aren’t going to tell him you want to spend the rest of your life with him and have his babies and you KNOW he is the one you’ll be buried next to for eternity.
  • You aren’t going to beg or plead.


Your letter is A GIFT of love to him, not a manipulation to leave him feeling like he has to be with you or else he is a total jerk.


Here’s an example of one such email:


Dear John,

I respect your need for space and want you to know I will honor your request for as long as you need.

I also want you to know that I am angry and hurt and confused right now, but those feelings will pass and I won’t allow them to cloud my love for you.

I really do love and care for you deeply. Your smile brightens my day. The way you bring me medicine when I am sick lifts my spirits faster than Airborne works on my congestion, and your kind texts every morning when I wake up are like a tiny bird singing to me to join the day.

I too will think about us during this break. Mostly, though, I will think about the good memories you have left me with: the time we spontaneously went to the movies in our PJs and laughed the whole time in the empty theater; the time you cried at how good my spaghetti was; the night our sex was so amazing, we named it.

Love, I want you to take your time, and whatever you decide, I want you to not worry about me, because I will be okay in the end.

I respect you enough to be patient and to honor your decision about our love.

All my heart,



If you write this letter, you will leave him with a good taste and will show him that you care ABOUT HIS WISHES.


Read More Relationship Advice For Women:  What Do Men Want In A Woman?!


You will be reminding him of the goodness in your relationship, and you will be reassuring him that he makes a difference in your life. Men need this to feel like a relationship is working for them.


You will also be FREEING him up not to feel guilty and worried about you. Guilt actually makes a man want to run, because it creates pressure and makes him think that if he stays and it doesn’t work out in the future, he will destroy your life.


DON’T go on and on in your letter and squeeze in every moment of every memory, or go into detail about all your feelings about him and his need for space. Too many words will feel draining and overwhelming for him.


Now, once he does take the space, have a friend on hand. Have a friend you can call when you are jonesing to contact him, and make sure this friend is POSITIVE and CALMING. Tell them that you only need their strength and patience, not their fears and opinions. A good friend will understand what you mean and will be available to you during this hard time.


Resist the need to rehash everything with family and friends and question his love a thousand times. Meditate, focus on things you love, don’t do things you don’t love to do, and give yourself permission to feel your feelings without marinating in them too long.


In the end, if he comes back, let him guide the pace of things, because you love him and are willing to surrender control of the unknown and control over the relationship.


In love, we invite, we surrender, we risk.


And, remember, just because a man needs space, doesn’t mean he is gone.  Have faith because sometimes it takes space to close a gap.


Sign up for my Love Advice Newsletter and learn more of my relationship advice techniques!


If you want to know how to bring your ex back, check out my colleague’s popular and very effective program the Ex Recovery System by clicking here.

Related Links

Text Your Ex Back To You

Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Now

The Plan To Making Up With Him


  1. maria says:

    Hi Kris!!! I love your website. So proud of you. I think this post is so true and the advice is great but I’ve also seen both through my own experience and tons of friends another reason why a guy might say he “needs space.” Sometimes a guy is too big of a wuss to dump a girl so instead he says “he needs space” to let her down slowly. It’s pathetic, but I’ve seen it. He thinks (because he actually does care about the girl) that this is the way to tell someone they care about that it’s over without having to hurt them. I get why it happens and I’ve actually done the same thing back (I know so pathetic) but I didn’t have the guts to end it so I said “I needed a break,” hoping it could sort of just end.

    Anyway just wanted to share my thoughts. Love the site. Keep writing! xoxo, Maria

  2. Carol says:

    I just got through reading this article and I’m going through this right now. I have been with my boyfriend for four years. This past March he was under a lot of stress and asked for space. I gave it to him and he was calling me three days later wanting to see me. We took things slow but were getting back to normal. I felt we never dealt with the “space”, meaning I never got to say how hurt I was with it. Lately, it was coming out of me, wanting to talk about our relationship. He said he loved me very much but felt smothered. I became needy (after much reading, I now know this is not a good thing to do) and now he has asked for space again. I haven’t seen him in three weeks, but he has kept in touch weekly telling me everything he has been up too (being a Dad, catching up on his shows, and golfing with his buddies) In his last two text, he said he was thinking of me, but hasn’t asked to see me. I’m playing it cool and not texting him unless he text first, but I’m heart broken. I did text him this past Saturday to wish him good luck in his tournament. He texted back thanks and that he saw this bird and thought of me. Is it over? Is there still hope for us? I don’t want to ask him in fear of setting him back even further.

    Please advise! Much in love, but very much heartbroken!

    • There is definitely hope for you. He said he felt smothered. He probably just needed to take some time for himself and think about whether he can truly handle your feelings in the relationship. I have a feeling that the problem lies in HOW you are talking to him about your feelings. I wrote an article on this blog http://www.connectwithhisheart.com/dont-hide-your-negative-feelings-from-a-man/ that takes you through the steps of talking to a man about your negative feelings.
      I know that when a man takes space, it is scary, but when he is telling you he feels smothered, you have to find ways to communicate with him without overloading him. The best way to do this is to express yourself clearly, calmly, directly and from a vulnerable place. Do so WITHOUT needing anything from him. Give him room to respond and come toward you. DOn’t try to suck from him, but let him offer. If you feel you have a side of you that panics often, think about meditations. In IHLFY, Sarah and I offer the Turtle Re-Coup exercise to help you stop from putting your anxiety onto a man. All the best.

  3. Vicki says:

    Hi I’ve just found this site, I love this website- it has really opened my eyes to things. My boyfriend asked yesrerday for time to do some self reflection, to think about his life. He does get quite stressed and I understand that. He pulled back for a week or so before that and was a bit distant, I asked him nicely if he needed time away from me and that I fully understood, and we laughed together and he agreed it was less comfusing just to ask for some time. there were no hostilities, I asked was the time to think about us but ne said no, just self reflection. He’s very straight talking so I didn’t question it at first but then I got thinking- he’s not taken time out from his work, his mates, the pub, kids, family etc, it feels like its only me he wants time from? I don’t quite get this as when I like time alone to reflect, I mean time alone, just me, a break from everything?
    He has phoned tonight and I genuinely missed the call, he left a nice how are you type message. I’ve called him back and left a short voice mail, I’m really not sure what to make of it all!

    • I think it’s best to wait for him to call you again and when he does, BE HONEST. So often, when we have doubts or concerns, we sweep them under the rug and ACT happy and fine when interacting with our man when we don’t really feel that way. If his space is confusing to you, tell him right from the jump, before the niceties, how you currently feel. Tell him you care about him and want him to feel less stressed but that you feel confused and concerned. Let him “cradle your heart” by keeping your speech short and speaking from a vulnerable place inside you.

      Get more into your feelings when you speak with him. Are you in touch with your emotions? Do you cry to him or expose your soft side to him when you are honest? Or do you hide your feelings and try to be the “understanding, nice” girlfriend who is solution-oriented– the kind ISN’T soft, sexy, sensual, vulnerable and feisty? Men love a woman’s feelings (despite what we’ve been told by society and even by men). Men don’t like drama queens but they love women who always share their feelings from the heart. It softens a man’s masculine edges when you are in touch with your feelings and share them.

      I wrote an article about how to express negative feelings to a man http://www.relationshipadviceinspirehisloveforyou.com/dont-hide-your-negative-feelings-from-a-man/.

      Men want us to be vulnerable and true. This makes them feel trusted and makes them feel needed. They don’t want to be attacked, blamed, or drained, but expressing your true feelings in this particular issue is very important. He may currently feel like he doesn’t have to explain himself to you because you are so understanding, but that truth is he needs to be more communicative and accountable to you (especially because you FEEL CONCERNED). The understanding girl isn’t attractive. she’s easy to step on. The girlfriend with lots of personal boundaries that he must respect is VERY attractive because she KNOWS she is worth his VERY BEST BEHAVIOR!
      Share your feelings and if he is a good man with honorable intentions, he will comfort your feelings and try to make you feel more safe in the relationship.

  4. Joy says:

    Hello, I found your website very helpful. My BF and I are 30. We’ve been together for 3 years. We have always been a very mature couple. We were at a point in our relationship, where we started looking at homes to move into together (we currently live seperate) When all of a sudden one day, he tells me he needs a break. But he gave me a “end date” to this break. And he said, on this specific date. If I agree to pick him up from the airport, he will have a surprise for me. I do feel he needs a break since technically he was single only 6 months in his 20’s. He was off and on with a girl for 6 years. Single 6 months, then I came along. Its been a great relationship, but now Im so hurt, confused, and angered. He also mentioned “maybe someone will scoop you up while Im away, its not something I want, but that is the risk Im taking by asking for this break.” I’ve dropped 15 lbs since this break, I cant sleep… Im so depressed. Is this his way of slowly breaking up with me?

    • I’m so sorry you are in this situation and that you have suffered so much. I think the best thing for you to do is write him this letter but NOT to state that you are waiting for him. The letter will help you feel like you are doing something for the relationship and it will help you feel less out-of-control. Follow it step-by-step exactly.
      I want you to be VERY GOOD to yourself and treat yourself to a spa day and some new clothes. Work out as much as possible to help you sleep better. I also want you to find ways to lift your spirits: a new hobby, a passion-project, ect. Push yourself to get out there and smile. And finally, I want you to PROMISE YOURSELF to flirt with all men you meet– ugly ones included. This is just to help you feel more confident inside, and to help you see that this whole thing is not about your attractiveness.
      If and when he comes back, you have to be VERY clear and firm about what you want and need and what you will NOT put up with. Even though it is common for some men to pull back when things get scary close to the serious committment, they cannot just hurt us and make us scared while they disappear for a while. You have to be very clear about this not happening again if you are to take him back. If he can’t promise that then you have to tell him you can’t offer exclusivity until he is on board with your definition of commitment! Then go out and date other men even if it upsets him. Show him YOU mean business.
      All the best to you and again I am sorry. What he said to you was very harsh. Lots of love!

  5. Mary says:

    Hi. I just found your site and figured you may be able to give me some insight on how i can handle what it is i am going through. I am fortunate to have some positive friends whom are currently there for me and most can give similar advice however i feel after reading what you and others wrote your words may sit more permanent in my head.

    I was with my bf or possibly my ex since december of last year. We had an amazing, effortless realtionship for a little over 5 months until i decided to screw it up. It was not intentional by any means but i let it get out of control with my ex which led me to not think clearly. My current and i spent the foolowing 2 months (as he had no clue) going through these ups and downs because i needed space from everyone to figure out my head and he didnt understand as i was not totally upfront with him. We spent like everyother week breaking up and then getting back together a few days later because i couldn’t let him go. We both had fallen for each other by this point but had never expressed it until we starte to go through this. During our times of “breaking up” i tried to see if there was anything with my ex (daughters father) to see if my head was just spiralling out of control because i was needing help with her and didnt want to burden my current bf with it. I did sleep with my ex a couple of times… all of which repulsed me. Right away i knew i had to get him out of my life but i didn’t know how without him doing any kind of damage to my relationship that i truly wanted to work on. I finally got my daughters sperm donor out of my life and started to work hard and building my bf and i back up. I was trying to build us for a few weeks to show him i do love him and want to make us work before i told him what happened so he would see that i was really wanting to be with him. The day i had chosen to tell him my ex decided to send him several emails with all sorts of stories… some truths, some lies. I was meeting my bf in Hawaii that evening for our vacation however by the time i arrived it was too late for me to sit and have the talk with him as my ex beat me to it. We spent the week together going over everything and still trying to have a decent time. he didn’t want to deal with it until we got home… to Florida. We came back and after a couple of days I offered him space in which he took but only for a day. He came over for dinner the follwing day… We texted quite a bit over the next few days. His mom was coming down from OH for 2 weeks to watch my daughter while my parents went out of town and i was at work so we decided that her and I would stay at his place with his mom to make things easier. We had our ups and downs during that time and towards the end he started to get distant. Two days before she left he decided we needed to take a break from us. he felt us spending all that time together without allowing him time to process what has happened would end with a death sentence for our relationship. It was very emotional for both him and i but the following day after work I went over his place, picked our stuff and my daughter and had an emotional goodbye for now. I promised to give the space that he needed and deserved but that doesnt make it any bit easier for me. I am doing my very best to honor his wishes as I know if we stand any bit of chance this will be a dealbreaker if i dont. I reached out yesterday (1 week later) and just sent a text saying “i know its only been a week but it feels like an eternity. Life sucks without you” his response, “sorry to hear that, but it’s going to be a long time before i even consider anything. ” My response was “I understand and plan on giving you the time you have requested for. I know how i feel and will be here whenever your are ready to talk or whatever”. And that was that.

    We had an amazing relationship before all this. I honestly feel i was possessed by doing what i did. That is not me… never has been. We had our time and what he called our family time. He took to my daughter to the point he felt like her father. They have a special bond. He and I also had a special bond. I miss him more than life itself and I am dying a thousand deaths without him… I can give him the space that i know he needs but without knowing if we will get back together or not scares me. He is my true love. And I know I was his. Do you feel your advice in this column would pertain to me as well? Everyone that has met him and seen us together and seen him with my daughter says his love is undeniable. They think over time he would be able to get over this because everyone could see that we were meant for each other. I believe this to be true n my heart. I know respecting his wishes is very important but i feel like there is more i can do. I know in some way he wants to see if i am going to find someone else or go back to my ex or wait to see if i actually mean what i say…. thats ok by me. I am not going anywhere… but i want to save us and save our future. What can I do? can I still do your suggestion above?

    Thanks for your input….

    heartbroken in tampa :'(

    • Wow. You have had quite a drama-filled few months. Have you read the book Women Who Love Too Much? It may help you. I don’t know you or your man but I have a feeling that you ruined the relationship because you were scared of closeness and because you feel you don’t deserve love. It sounds (from what he did with his emails) that your ex is a drama queen and I have to say you sound like you like drama too. A lot of times, we stir up drama because it’s what we know. Did you come from a drama-filled home or do you have abandonment issues? I feel like you ruined your relationship because the intimacy was so foreign and uncomfortable for you deep down in your gut. If intimacy and closeness are not familiar to us, our unconscious mind kicks in and lies to us. We get bored in the relationship, we get irritated, we get curious about exes and the list goes on. It all happened to me. I had a fling with a guy who was completely toxic but I couldn’t stay away and I ruined a new relationship with a good guy because I felt “annoyed” that he was so nice. Truth was, I felt, deep down, that I deserved the jerk and not love.
      My advice is to write the letter. I devised this letter for women who do impulsive thing (continue to text him, drive by his house, etc) to alleviate anxious feelings. you seem like you may do these things because you have a lot of anxiety right now. Writing the letter will help you feel you are doing something to help things and it will help you move on without him while you wait. I have a feeling you are not going to be able to stay away from him and that the more he makes you wait, the more out-of-control and obsessed you will become. You have to deal with these feelings and not try to pull him toward you. You have to breathe, write in a journal, talk with your friend, and I strongly recommend therapy for possible abandonment issues because I think you have TOO MANY strong feelings inside from your past that are being relived in this relationship for you to handle without professional help.
      He may or may not come around. I honestly think you have to deal with some personal issues before you dive into a relationship again. You treated him very badly and I think you did this because you wanted to kill your closeness. You went behind his back and destroyed all the trust in your relationship by making yourself a bad person in his life. I’m not sure if you did it because you wanted to kill the closeness or because you wanted to recreate a pattern that I feel you have lived for a long time: that of the bad guy. Here’s what I mean: your ex sounds dangerous. He sounds manipulative and you seem to be afraid of him by how you didn’t want him to do anything to destroy your current relationship. Only a very selfish and destructive person would do what he did with those emails. It seems like you were constantly treated, in that relationship, like you were deserving of punishment and manipulation and control from him. You were made to be, by his abusive personality, to be a bad person and you probably believed throughout that relationship, on a subconscious level, that you deserved that abuse. I have a hunch you came from a emotionally abusive family, because I don’t know if you see how gross your ex behaved and I don’t understand why you were ever with a person like that.
      Now… because of your abused mind, you have made yourself the bad guy in a good relationship where no one was the bad guy before. And you have killed your chance at happiness. This pattern WILL repeat unless you do something about it and that something is going to be A LOT of work (think therapy or spiritual work).
      For now, get help, I really hope you do. You deserve love and a good man like your current bf. I don’t know if he will take you back and I don’t even know if he should right now. I think you need to focus on building intimacy in all your relationships outside men at this time. The best place to start is your daughter. She needs you right now from what you said about problems you are having with her. Work on building the trust, closeness, kindness, patience, and communication with her, and do not lie to her about ANYTHING, don’t make promises you can’t keep and don’t get on her case too much about any and everything. Goodluck.

  6. Pea says:

    my boyfriend and I started dating this february, It was pleasant for a while, then he began to talk about this plans he had for himself, work and all. He has mentioned for a while now that he is really depressed about not getting a job on time. he bacame distant for a while, and when i questioned him, he explained that he was scared because he has a good thing (me), and might not have the resources to hold on to it. i assured him that i loved him, and he shouldnt worry about that. This month, he asked for a break after i demanded explanation as to why he doesnt talk to me as much as before. I panicked. i was confused. i was sad but i dint let him know how I really felt. i called him up the next day to let him know that if it was becos of the pressure he is going thru, I was sorry for not being very undersatnding. i also asked to know if the break is a permanent one or a for a while, he said he just needs some time. i deleted him off my BBM.
    but i see him every time on twitter. i see his tweets, he sees mine but we dont talk. Im scared. i miss him so much. im really hurt. should I send him the msg you wrote? I put up a strong wall to cover up my emotions. im usually scared of showing emotions to guys. should I do that this time?

    • Yes, you should write the letter to him. It’s time to start being vulnerable in front of your man and letting him see your true sensitivity. Your emotions are the best window a man has into your soul. The more he sees your soul, the more he loves you. We can love a person for the traits that we admire (ambition, humor, sexiness, etc) but those qualities are not going to create the type of STRONG BOND that is needed to make love truly thrive. Men need emotional intimacy to feel in love in a deep way and most of them need a truly feminine woman to be the Love Guide and show them how to be vulnerable and share feelings in a relationship.
      Though it was understandable of you to panic and be confused over him needing space, I have to say that you also sound like an impulsive person– deleting him from your BBM because he needs space is not something that a calm, level-headed woman does. It sounds like a form of punishment and/or an immature form of getting his attention to me, especially since you don’t really want to go No Contact. Maybe this space is a good time for you to do some self-reflecting and think about the kinds of things you do and say that make a relationship harder than it needs to be. It’s also a good time to think about what you feel you deserve in a man.
      You DESERVE a man who doesn’t just take space and not talk to you about how he feels first. Startling you with a need for space is a sign of a man who can’t communicate his needs and feelings. He’s probably been stressed out about things for a while and instead of talking to you , he let things bottle-up until he just backed off. When he comes back, if he does, you need to be vulnerable YET FIRM and tell him exactly how you feel and what you don’t want:
      “I feel hurt and abandoned. I don’t want a boyfriend who takes space instead of trying to first talk to me.”
      Then see what he says. Be calm, loving and open to hear him. Don’t let your fear of being exposed and rejected stop you from having a quality talk about things. A good man will listen and respond back to your loving and honest words with loving and honest words. He will be attentive and will make good of his short-comings best he can.
      Good luck.

  7. LK says:

    Hey Kristina,
    I have devoured a lot of websites this past week, and of them all, I like your spirit and advice the best. Can I tell you a bit about my issue…?
    I am 51, my Bf 54. The most amazing, gentle, loving man on this earth. Had a very, very bad ex and has been divorced for 5ish years. I did, too – and divorced about the same time, but I am not as hurt from the divorce. His ex sounded very abusive and was pibolar, and didn’t take her meds. He is an incredible father, which is one of the many things that attacted me to him. We actually knew each other in high school, but only to say hello. Well, his sister basically set us up, to go out as friends and it kicked off fabulously. He asked me to be exclusive pretty early on, after a month or so. He has been a perfect gentleman, the whole time. We do things with his grown kids, with my younger kids. He called or texted me 3 times a day, to touch base, say hello. I set up my boundary in the beginning that I wasn’t a ‘guy caller’, so that I wouldn’t be tempted and he has been so good at it. We have had very few problems, only ones being, when I have felt a bit sad, if he didn’t call me on a Friday to get together. That seems silly, call on Friday to go out Friday- but we were through the pomp and circumstance, I thought. He knows I dont have to be totally wined and dined. I love just watching a movie with him at his house, or with me, at mine.
    THEN… I got upset about church. He is catholic and I am prodestant. He goes more than I do, but we didn’t go at Christmas, and then I asked about Easter. Through a bunch of goofy things that occurred (he was to be out of town, then he ended up here) – we didn’t go on Easter either and I was upset. My first Easter ever w/o my kids. Anyway – I wrote him that it wasn’t any way to have a relationship if we couldn’t even go to church together.
    Well,he actually called me Easter night and told me he missed me. Then, that was it. The next day, no call, no text, no nothing. So I got panicky. I wrote him and said – What is UP? He was very short and FINALLY called me where he proclaimed he needed space. I told him he owed it to me to talk to me face to face, so FINALLY he came over Monday night. He blamed it on being overwhelmed, being a “simple guy”, blah blah blah. Boo hoo. But, that is what I did. I cried b/c I was so blown away. A week and a half later and I am still blown away. I trusted him! He texted me 4 days ago and said”how are you”. I replied with “Who is this” and a funny smile. He said “that’s a cute face”. I asked how he was, he said fine, but busy. and that’s the end. Not a dang word. Was he just dipping his big toe in the water to see if I was going to be upset or cry or fuss, OR was he seeing if I was totally fine and I will be fine as he skips away from our relationship?
    He did mention early on that he had to get his feelings straight before he was “ALL IN”. He told his sister that “I” said “I” was ALL IN, and it was all or nothing for me. I NEVER EVER said that. But it’s what he heard, somehow. I think he is spooked, as spooked can be!
    After I cried last Monday night, I did call and tell him that he needed to figure out things. He asked if he could call me and I said, “no, don’t call me until you get it worked out”.
    I am sad, crying everyday, mad, hurt, and I don’t understand why this happened. I can’t just take the answer…Men just fall out of love? I know he loves me… or he did.
    What do I do?

    • LK, thanks so much for the compliments about my blog. I’m so glad you’re getting something out of it! Okay, so, from the li’l I know of this man, I can say that a bipolar ex will wound your self-esteem. Not to mention that there has to be something there with him from childhood to have been with her anyway. So, you are dealing with a man who is very cautious with women and has experience with women who have severely deregulated emotions. Not only does he probably feel powerless and afraid of a woman’s emotion, he probably gets very ANGRY about how powerless he was in the past to help her and himself through all the chaos caused by her disorder.
      So, here you come along– you seem lovely and you seem to also have a great spirit– and you start acting like a normal woman (we get a li’l emotional from time to time) and immediately all his trauma of past relationships with women (I’m guessing it goes deeper and much younger than with her) is triggered. HE starts kinda acting bipolar himself, as a result. You say something that you probably shouldn’t have said “It wasn’t any way to have a relationship if we can’t even go to church together!” (or at least said it differently) and BAM!– he’s triggered. At first, he says he misses you to soothe you and ease the upset (in his mind you have become the bipolar wife attacking him all over again and he has to quickly attend to her emotions). Then, once he sees that things are fine and he’s not in a danger zone, he pulls back.
      The simple (normal couple) fight you two had overstimulated him and his emotions got deregulated. All his fear and anger and sadness and all the stuff that was left by his ex came up.
      Now all you can do is wait. I do think that you should write him the letter suggested in this article. Also explain that you are writing him, even though you told him you didn’t want to talk, just so that he knows how you feel. The letter will help because it’s less immediate emotion coming at him.
      I want to you understand what you are getting into with this man. If you are to love him and be with him, you are going to have to have a serious pair of “kid-gloves” and an arsenal of quality communication skills. He has been traumatized and until he can work through that with gentle, tender, light and patient love, you are going to have to be careful what you say and how you say it.
      Are you ready for that? Now, that doesn’t mean you accept poor treatment. You should still communicate on everything that bothers you. However, you are going to have to be clear, direct, honest, up front and very calm when dealing with him.
      So instead of getting upset inside about Friday nights– tell him; “I feel a little less sparkle inside hunny when you don’t make a friday night plan in advance with me. Can we talk about this?” Instead of what you said about church, you say; “I feel very angry and sad inside that we didn’t get to go to church together this Easter. It would have meant so very much to me, love.”
      Do you say what I’m saying? My boyfriend has a lot of trauma in him too– unfortunately so do I. It made our relationship a disaster for a long time. I was overemotional about everything and he was way too sensitive and would pull back from me for days. It was a terrible match but we worked it out.
      If you have trauma from your ex, you have to talk with your man about it when he comes back to you. I think he will come back. Once you have told him something like; “I understand that you needed space and I respect that but it feels really awful to be rejected that way. Maybe we can come up with a way for you to take space without my feeling so hurt. What do you think?”… then you say something like this; “I want you to know that I never ever mean to alarm you or hurt you. I get upset about things and maybe I’m not perfect in how I respond. I’m trying. My past with men has scarred me just as yours has you. Can we talk more about this and how we can work together to be there for one another and create a safe place together in this dating relationship?”
      I think he will really respond to being treated this way. Your job now, while he takes space is to see this space as a blessing from God. It’s time for your self-reflection and to see how your relationships with men have hurt and guarded you. It’s also time to ask God to show you how to remove your self-worth from your man’s limitations. He is acting like this because of his past and when you can see that it’s not about you, you can be there more for him without it hurting you so much.
      One day, you may see that his trauma is too much for you to take or he may break it off, but I think this relationship is presenting a wonderful learning environment for you to embrace better communication skills and to heal the pain that both of you have experienced. That’s the beauty of love– healing together.

  8. kd says:

    Hi Kristina,

    I love your blogs!

    My bf and I had been dating for 11 months. In our 9 month, he got promoted, received a big projects with lots of issues, bills and the renovation of his parents’ house. I was very understanding, we had petty quarrels most of the time but we were able to work it out. He is working even on weekends, we only see each other every weekends. Until we weren’t able to see each other again for 3 weeks! Last May 29, I was very mad and I said I’m letting go. He didn’t reply, he didn’t text or call me after that until now. I’ve read a lot of articles, doing yoga and stayed positive as I was thinking maybe he really needs space. Last Saturday, when I checked my FB I saw a picture of him and his colleague having fun in one of the karaoke bar and I feel really devastated. I was angry & hurt so I texted him and I said goodbye.

    He told his sister in law which happens to be one of my bestfriends that he still loves me & nothing changes and he is just confused right now when it comes to our relationship. He said he’s not yet ready to talk to me though he’s ashamed of me of what he is doing right now. Does he still love me??

    However, I’m still in love with him and I want him back. Though I wanna give him the space he needed. I’ve done that it’s just that when I saw the picture I was really mad coz he was having fun & I got jealous.

    Should I send him the letter? After all that I’ve said and I already said goodbye :(

    Thank you.

    • KD,
      Thanks for the compliments about my blogs! I really hope they can offer assistance! So, here’s the deal…
      No wonder he’s confused, love. I’m confused! I don’t understand what happened. You say that you weren’t able to see each other for 3 weeks because of his job and that you got mad and said you were “letting him go”. Then at the end of your comment, you write “I want to give him the space he needed.” Did he need that space or was it required of his busy schedule? Did you push him away or did he ask for space from you?
      I think you may be taking some things too personally. If the man has issues and needs to work, he needs to work. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who has to work that hard, then find a new one. However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that his busy schedule, or his way of prioritizing work has anything to do with your worth. It doesn’t. Some men prioritize work and that is just how they operate. Too many women think that a man doesn’t love them if they aren’t prioritizing the relationship– it’s not to be taken personal. It’s about his priorities as a person and relationships aren’t his priority right now. He could be with ANY woman and it would be the same.
      As for the photos that you saw– how can you blame him if you were the one who said “i’m letting go” He probably thought you needed emotional space. You played a game with him: “He is not giving me attention because of work and so I’m going to pull back and make him come to me.” And your game backfired.
      Why did it backfire? Maybe he feels controlled and doesn’t want to play that game. Maybe he just doesn’t have the desire to prioritize a relationship right now.
      I think that you DO need to have a talk with him or write the letter. In the letter, be very clear about your feelings: “I was scared that you having to work hard meant you didn’t love me… I pushed you away because I feared that you didn’t love me… I want to be with someone who makes me feel they have time for me… If you need to prioritize work, that’s fine, but then I have to move on.” Speak from your heart but without the drama. Be vulnerable but less susceptible to your feelings of worthlessness. He does love you and care for you. Maybe he’s just too immature for what you need and that’s not something you should take personally. Once you write the letter and talk with him, then you two can have a better idea of whether you can fulfill each other’s needs. Right now, there is a lot of ignoring and pushing each other away. He is not stepping up and you are stepping around.

  9. Michelle B. says:

    Hey Kristina, I really found your article very informative. My bf and I of 10 months are no longer together. He says we need space. I have been insecure from a previous relationship that left me doubt to trust in someone else. So the last few months of our relationships was very chaotic. We argued a lot and I found myself worrying that he was going to cheat on me. I did a lot of things that I shouldn’t have done. I found myself going through his phone, checking his wallet, and looking at his Facebook page although we weren’t friends on any social networks. Now that we have broken up, he says he needs time to think about our relationship to see if we can salvage it. I am afraid because it’s been a week and I feel like he has no intentions on wanting to work on our relationship. I love him dearly but I don’t want to be hurt either. I am trying to give him space but I am also afraid that while anticipation reconciling our relationship, he will call and say that he does not feel that our relationship will work out.

    Thank you,

  10. Mariana1103 says:

    You article has been very helpful and I am hoping that you respond to my dilemma. I have been dating an amazing guy for 6 months now and all has been going well but just yesterday he asked for space. Now in all my life, I have never been asked by someone for space so I was very confused as to what that entailed so I asked for clarification. He said it’s not over but that he needs time to focus on his son (from a divorce) and himself. I did send him an email letting him know that I fully support the space that he needs and that I’ll be here to support him in anything that may come up. Of course I am hurt but I also think that space is a great opportunity for me to also focus on myself and my life. At first I thought we were broken up, but he insisted that it is just some physical time apart and that he is excited for a future with me but just needs some alone time NOW, he also said that he doesn’t want any attachments to anyone and is not interested in finding anyone new, so I trust him. It’s all I can do right? We will still text, talk and email but maybe not see each other until he feels up to it…all of which I am fine with now, but it totally threw me under the bus when he first told me. And it also scares me that things will probably change, but that’s the way love goes right? My advice to others out there and to myself is to give it time…the amount of time you give it is up to you because we can’t give up our lives to just wait until someone is ready for us…life is too short! Hope this helps someone out there and if you have any feedback for me, please post!


  11. worriednlost says:


    After months of my now bf courting me I finally gave in, I fell and I fell hard he is a few yrs older and a single father of two boys.after spending every week night together for a month he and I got into a lil thrift about three missing condoms which his friend came by and took them….ok a bit fishy but he was genuinely hurt that I accused him his life is work his boys and now me. I felt stupid and he still assured me he lived me were fine, the next day he had to pick me up from clas I made him wait a bit and he was at work from 1 am til about 10 am I get it he was tired and theddumb fight the night before he goes I feel bad sometimes cuz I’m always tired I don’t want u getting mad but I need time to sleep .at first I was hurt but made him know I getit the next am I forgot that we said I was going home so I jumped to thinking really he wants to be done.that drive home we argued but I was expressing my concern n love n apology he text me saying well be fine I love and its about being a individual and coming together I take it he feels I’m nit pulling my weight but I just graduated college Friday when he leftu etc, the next day he goes to the states I don’t hear from him all weekend then Mon after texting him its urgent to talk he called me expressed his love etc and ended the convo with I love u all week we’ve been texting but due to him being a father he has his boys and is off on vacation but hasn’t offered to c me in this time I tryst him but I’m starting to feel weird. But the texts are still the same playful I’m lost

  12. lady says:

    I met my American bf two years ago in vietnamw hile having a short holiday. To cut the story short we exchanged email addresses and started chatting. He visited here in the phils last year and we met up in Bangkok Thailand again for the 3rd time this month and spent almost 3 weeks together. We get along very well. we had fun together.but once in a awhile my insecurities attack me.i have been jobless for a year now.and he works for a french in Wall Street in New York as a banker. He got an ex who he works with and every now and then I cant
    stop to get jealous of his ex. The day of my flight back to phils he asked me to hand his phone to him and I saw a
    chat that says wifey,and I snapped without even asking him.i started freaking out and even accused him of not
    being serious about our relationship. It turned out that
    what I read was a group chat and it was his coworker
    calling one of their co-workers wifey and he showed me
    the whole thread. Then he got so upset with me and said
    he can’t deal with my jealousy anymore. He sent me to the
    airport but wasn’t able to really talk.what is clear to me
    was I disappointed him a lot. I tried my best apologizing but it’s been a week since we parted ways (he’s now back
    to ny) and he is still giving me cold treatment thru chat. He’s been ignoring me for 2 days now. I terribly feel bad
    about my being unreasonably jealous and I want to prove
    to him that I want to change but it’s super hard since we
    live 100000 miles apart;( I hope you could adv me what to do. I really need help.
    UpdatE: he said he needed space for a few weeks to figure out where to go from here. I said I will respect it.after 3 days of no contact I sent him a message via chat and he was upset cause he feels I’m not honoring his request.I made a promise again to him that I will give him the space that he wants.I’m just worries he might not believe me anymore.you think he still loves me?

    Sorry to bother you. I just need someone to share my thoughts and feelings with.


  13. Diana says:

    My boyfriend is 29, I’m 26 and we’re been together for 2 years now and lived together for 1 year.
    We spend pretty much all the time together – we lived together, we go to work together because we work for the same company (thank god not in the same department), we go out together and he needs his time alone and space. He’s more an outgoing person, he likes to be the center of attention, to go out and have fun, while I’m more an introvert, I can have fun also on my own. I like to go out with him but I also feel good at home so he says sometimes that I’m acting like a wife although he appreciates when things go smooth around the house.
    He gave me the i need space talk and I moved out a week ago. He says he loves me and he’s not worried about our relationship. He only wants to see how is it on his own – to see the minuses and the pluses and if his ready for fully commitment or not. He stated that we are not on a break.
    He still calls me and wants to see me and spend time together or stay over night. He doesn’t want me to move completely out.
    I tried to act distant and mysterious. What do i do?
    Thanks, Diana

    • Well, first let me say I’m so sorry. That must have been awful to have had to move out. Yuck. My heart is with you! Second, I want you to stop acting distant and mysterious. That’s going to come off weird because you don’t want to be distant and mysterious, you want to bridge the connection and you want him to stop acting mysterious. So throw the games in the toilet.
      Now, what I do what you to do is find your center. Find your grounding. Do you meditate? You should start, even if it’s via exercise like yoga. I want you to journal about all your feelings– feelings about him and about life. Be gentle with your body and be loving with yourself. Don’t take on too much at work and don’t try to fill your schedule with friends and other people. You are in introvert and that’s okay. Get out and be with loved ones, but do you.
      Allow this time to be space for you too. Space for you to ask yourself questions about what you want for your future. Try not to think about what he’s thinking. It sounds like he loves you very much, he just needs a chance to make that big decision about a life with you. You guys work together and live together and that’s too much sometimes. You may be like me and not need tons of friends and be content with your partner around a lot, but it may just be a lot for him sometimes. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He just needs space to get some of his integrity, his autonomy back. Make sense? I think if you just take this time for yourself, love yourself and trust that everything will be fine, he will come back stronger than ever.
      Let him do his thing and don’t worry. Don’t push him away further to punish him or to show him that you can be a “sexy enigma” that will keep him on his toes. That’s immature crap. Just be you and keep clear of him for now, honoring his need for space.
      When he does come back to you, have a calm and loving heart to heart and tell him how everything made you feel.
      But DON’T let him yo-yo you. If he’s taking space, he’s taking space. Tell him firmly that you want him only to contact you when he knows for sure that he wants to be with you in a committed long-term thing.
      xx k

      • Diana says:

        Thank you so much for answering back.
        I’m trying to do my best for me. I’m hanging out with the girls, starting to go to the gym again; usual stuff that I did back in the days where I wasn’t focusing so much on us two.
        I’m answering his phone calls, being nice and happy ’cause now he’s going through renovating his house and has a lot to do and to talk about.
        We plan to see each other over the weekend – hopefully I’ll manage to only enjoy the moment and not to over think things.
        It’s hard to be back to the point of dating once you had “the full package”.
        I guess I have to stay strong.
        Thanks again for the kind words,

        • Diana,
          You’re so welcome. I hope you took the time to read everything I wrote, including:
          “But DON’T let him yo-yo you. If he’s taking space, he’s taking space. Tell him firmly that you want him only to contact you when he knows for sure that he wants to be with you in a committed long-term thing.”
          I wouldn’t see him this weekend. You aren’t back to dating, that’s crap. You are together or not. Don’t let him get his cake and eat it too, it’s not fair to you and he will end up thinking he can have little regard for your feelings and needs. He knows you aren’t happy with the current situation, so why does he “date” you now? He’s thinking only about his own needs. Be firm and direct and strong– he doesn’t get to see you or communicate with you until he tells you he wants to get back together! Period.

  14. Kris says:

    I found this site at the perfect time! Thanks for all your advice. I’m finding myself in a tough situation and am not sure how to deal with it…my boyfriend and I have been together 7 months, pretty much inseparable during this time except for the past month. He has a young child from a casual fling 3 yrs ago and is trying to work out that situation and move on, since the mother is a little nutty, to say the least. This last month his work has been crazy busy and he said he needs time to get everything settled with work, and his son to show up for me as fully as I need and deserve, because right now he is overwhelmed with everything. He says it is not a breakup, he is not interested in meeting anyone or mingling with other women, that he literally needs to be in his “cave” and he asked for 3 months space (3 weeks ago…we are coming on 1 month of his “space”). During this time he said he had to see me at least once a week and maybe more, and to tell him if I was unhappy with the situation, because he could not lose me, and this “space” is to prevent a real separation where we would actually break up. We spent a little time together the first three weeks and then he got super overwhelmed again and now we are on official space where he will call me in a week to check in and I told him I will leave him alone to get his stuff in order because I don’t want to be resented later and because I felt bad and hurt. I don’t know what to do now. He says he loves me and this is for us to be together fully, and please let him get stuff with baby’s mom settled like he should have before we became involved. I’m just feeling very hurt. I want to call/text, especially because I didn’t hear from him on Thanskgiving. But I also don’t want to give in when I said I was backing off. What do you think is the next step? Leave him alone? Write a letter? Officially break up? We both have said we are soul mates. Which is why I’m confused that he wouldn’t want support during this time of getting everything in order.
    Thanks so much!

    • In this case, don’t write him the letter. Just do your thing and DON’T agree to see him or talk with him until he is ready to be 100% with you. This sounds fishy. I think he’s still tangled in his ex and all her drama. When a guy talks a lot about another women (especially if the talk is about how crazy she is, etc.) he is not done with her emotionally. I just think his telling you what he needs during this break from you (phone calls once a week, etc) is beyond selfish. You need to take care of yourself or you are going to feel like a doormat in a few weeks and the resentment will be REAL! Go do your thing and when he contacts you say:
      “Like I said, I feel bad and hurt and I want you just to get stuff in order and then contact me. We will both see where we are in our lives at that point. Take care.”
      And then go do your life. But if this guy comes back and starts this stuff all over again (my hunch, I’m sorry to say is that he would) then I want you to cut off all ties and find a guy who would never yo-yo you like this.
      Good luck!

  15. Saiwan says:

    I just found this website, the timing can not be more perfect for my situation…
    me and my boyfriend are both on our 20’s. we’ve been together for about a year now.
    But last week he suddenly asked for some time alone..
    I did’nt know how to respond to this and immediately stated bursting with tears, I could’nt say anything, i was just shocked.
    He tried to cheer me up and he held me tight saying he is sorry and he really cares for me and respects me, he is just confused, he doesn’t know what he is feeling. He assumed it’s just that the spark is gone.
    So we said we will give it some time and meet again in 2 weeks, and see how the “space” has worked on both of us.
    I really do love him, we’ve been best friends for a long time before we started dating and I was used to have him around me. We’ve been in the army together in the same unit, but I finished my duty a few months ago. He has one more year to go.
    I feel like this is some sort of my fault, since i had a breakdown, having problems with my family and also had a surgery, so we stopped making love for 2 months now. But he was supporting me this whole time and he didn’t put pressure on me.
    I was questioning this whole time we didn’t make love if we are going to get through this, and I even asked him that, he said that he won’t let it ruin our relationship and he is always here for me.
    When i left the army i was having a hard time finding a job and it led to me being home for 2 months, it sort of made me go crazy and I felt so alone and lost my self confidence, I may have sent him too many text or called him too much. But I also figured that out and apologized, it’s a result of me being currently unemployed.
    Anyway, the day he told me he needs space, I ironically found a job, but I didn’t mention it when we spoke. I couldn’t speak at all. All these conclusion came to me about 2 days later, that this might be the problem in our relationship.
    I feel like I have so much to tell him, that I got my s**t together and I am hoing to be alright, but I want him to be a part of it too. I know he misses me and he constantly asking friends how am I doing, he is just confused.
    And I want him to know that this relationship CAN go back to normal and we could make a new start, it has obviously a tough period for both of his. I respect and cherish him so much for supporting me in my hard times and I want to be able to help him too thos time.
    But I just don’t know if I should wait for him to make contact or try moving things myself.

  16. Jenna says:

    So pleased I have found this blog, wow there are a lot of ladies going through this topic!
    Ok so I had been seeing a guy for nearly 4mths. We lived around 40 miles away from each other but met up as often as we could. We would text, fb message ev day and had great time when we were together, couldn’t stop talking to each other even when we were watching a film lol. We both said how comfortable we felt with each other. We have both had a bit of a messed up past relationship history and I had dealt with mine but I guess maybe he hadn’t dealt with his maybe? All was fine and dates were set to spend the wkend together again and then he started to act distant. I could feel it change, the messages became less and the content also was short and not really answering back, not giving as much as before. I felt like he was blocking me out and didn’t want to share with me anything anymore. So I sent him a mail and asked him if he was ok and if I should be worried? He came back with I’m sorry I’m not ready for a relationship and I cant offer you any commitment and friendship is all I can offer to anyone at the mo. He said he needed time to focus on himself and his career and had to do this on his own and it was the best thing for me to do this or he would drag me through hell along with him. He said he really liked me and thought I was great but if we could be friends.
    I told him that I was hurt and upset and didn’t understand because I thought everything was going well and that I thought taking it slowly was what he had wanted and understood this because of his past break up.. which was really bad and a long relationship. After expressing my hurt and how its hard for me to just get rid of any feelings I said that I would offer him support and hope that he finds himself and gets better and all goes well with his job, hopes and dreams and that if he wanted to contact me he knew where I am.. This is a fresh situation for me and at this time of holidays maybe has made it harder seeing everyone happy with loved ones has just made me feel worse. I had fallen for him and will try not to text him in this time and see what happens. But I hope so much that he will come back. I thought I found my soul mate and now I feel broken. Its so hard as Im sure many have felt before. We were both so honest and open with each other, we not together long enough to fight or anything like that. He basically wants me to get on with my life and its hard to hear because it seams like he wants to not be in it anymore? :(

  17. Patricia says:

    My boyfriend recently told me that he needs some space and alone time. We have only been seeing each other on the weekends and sometimes on a Thursday night. We broke up in October and he came back and then right after Thanksgiving and he came back. Here we are in early January and he needs space again. We have been dating for 9 months and are both mature adults. He has joint custody of a 13 year old daughter. She and I have a close relationship. We just had a wonderful holiday and a great weekend. He calls me everyday at lunch and usually at night.Yesterday, the lunch call was great and he said he loved me and had a great weekend. I didn’t get a call last night but did not panic even though I am insecure about the recent break ups. Today, I called him at lunch and he was really irritable. This is when I got the news that he needed space. He doesn’t want a breakup but needs to take care of himself. He says he put on a pound or two and feels bad about himself. He is also renovating a home that he lives in and he will flip and do this al over again. I am a professional woman and make good money. He is struggling with money. I don’t mind paying for dinners, movies etc. we were so in love the first 6 months and he couldn’t stand to be away from me. When he started pulling away in October, I admit I was Nagy and emotional. Then in November’ I really let him know how I felt,which was very upset and I really fussed. I know my mistakes and I have really changed this time. I know I deserve someone to love me the way I love him. I just don’t get why he is so hot and cold. How could he be so in love for months to this. We both had bad past marriages and his was probably one of the worst, I have ever heard of. In 9 months, I haven’t seen him with a single friend. He is alone most of the time unless he is with his child. Do I just move on or will it be like this forever. I truly love him. He said that in the beginning of our relationship that he hadn’t had a girl friend in a long time and was so excited about the relationship. What happens? I am a people pleaser,I have cooked, arranged trips and outings for he and his daughter, bought gifts. What the heck is wrong with me to put up with him?

  18. Emily says:

    My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up a week or so ago. We loved together for around 6 months. He reasons for breaking up were that he’s not sure if he wants to settle down anymore and if he wants to settle down with me. He tends to over think things and often says he feels anxious about things. He feels as though settling own means he’s losing opportunities to do other things but he says he also feels like he could be making a huge mistake in breaking up with me. His last relationship followed pretty much this same pattern. He’s going to counceilling and said he let me know how that goes. We sort of left things that we’re no longer together but he needs to sort himself out and then we’ll reassess. I’m finding it very difficult not to push him for answers but understand now that I need to stop. His family believe that I’m the one for him but I guess I’m confused about whether I should move on or wait or just try and be a supportive friend to him? He seems very messed up at the moment!
    Thanks for any help you can give me!!

  19. Help says:

    Thank you for writing this article! My boyfriend and I are younger, and we’ve been dating for almost 8 months now. Everything was going great until 5 days ago he was really rude to me and my parents. It really wasn’t like him. So later that night after he dropped me off at my house and we were texting, I confronted him about it. And he said he knew he was being rude and he was sorry. Shortly after, he said he was going to sleep. I didn’t hear from him again until 3 days later! And all he did was ask me if I wanted some mini golf clubs I had left at his house, and said that his sister had found them in the garage and wanted to give them to his younger cousins. I asked him if everything was okay since I hadn’t heard from him lately, and all he said was “been busy.” So yesterday, I copied and pasted a paragraph that he had texted me about how much he loved me, and how he needed someone in his life and I was the perfect fit, and that he hoped I never left. Along with copying and pasting, I asked him if he remembered saying that to me and if he would please tell me why he has suddenly distanced himself. He said that he wasn’t doing it on purpose, he said that he was coming home from football practice and going to sleep. He said that he loved me, and he was sorry. I told him I loved him too, and then he said he was going to nap. I haven’t heard from him since. (It’s only been 24 hours though). But I’ve been so depressed and I don’t understand why he hasn’t just flat out told me that he needs space. I don’t understand why he would even need space! We only see each other like twice a week! I love him so much, and I can’t possibly let him go. Is this the end? I don’t know how to react. Please, please help!

  20. ronnie says:

    hi. i just dscovered this site and i think its amazing what you are doing. my bf of a year decided to give the relationship a break. he said he feels we need to give ourselves space. i asked why and he says he feels there is no connection. i tried to understand his explanation for the “no connection” but i didnt really get it. he was nice enough to call me when i got home to apologise again and said he’ll get in touch. he also said he hopes we remain friends. male friends say its either he means sex for the no connection or there is a basis for comparision (which means maybe there is someone in the picture. although a friend once mentioned an ex in the picture). am confused. please help

  21. Tanya says:

    Hi I just read your blog.. It did give me some positivity.. But am confused.. I’ve been dating my bf for one year and seven months now… It was all good initially but off late while we were in a long distance relation for five months we argued and fought a lot. And I after every fight and silly arguments used to ask for a break up.. Though v never did… It would not last even a day.we both love each other truly and loyally.. However one fine day he said he needed space and I panicked… And kept texting and calling him for a few days.. Finally he agreed to Neet me.. But wen he met me it was like nothing had happened between us… It was all so romantic and lovy dovy.. We kept seeing each other fr a week when he was with me during this week we were good but since he had said he needs space he would turn cold shoulders towards me on texts… And suddenly after a week again he said I need space…I was heart. Broken completely… So I asked if he wants to be completely out of contact and what did he mean by space… He said we can talk and meet at times but as friends and that he is not breaking up… He just wants space… I asked if hell be seeing other girls while this time to which he replied… I might or I might not…. Please suggest me what should I conclude… Is it over??? Should I try to move on… Or should I wait for him as I love him soooo much…….I just want to be with him forever and ever… He is the love of my life.. I can’t just live this way without him!.. Please help me!

  22. Hurt and Upset says:

    Hi. I hope that this works for me. My boyfriend and I had a huge arguement this past weekend over my insecurity. Now he doesnt give me a reason to feel this way. He doesnt talk to other females or stay out all night. I guess i just feel intimidated by his ex-wife. Everytime she calls or we talk about her I shut down. I ‘ll ask some crazy question like ” Would you get back with her or do you think about getting back with her?’ Now I know she will always be in his life because they have children together, so I need to get over this. The issue is this isnt the first argument about this -its not the second or third either. Everytime we have argued about it, I said I would change the insecurities or stop the silly questions. But I havent. In are argument he said that it always has to be about me and I’m selfish. H said he didnt know if he wanted to continue the relationship because of the arguing . Well i thought about the argument and went through the begging and pleading with him. This morning I asked would he forgive me he said yes and can we try to fix things and he said yes. Well he actually said yes ok and left it at that. I asked why hes acting so cold and distance. He responded with your not allowing me with the space to get myslef or thoughts together. He said again I was selfish. HBut he is acting cold- we live together and he is hardly speaking to me, won’t touch me and hardly looks at me. I know I need to give him space but I’m so dscared this is the end. Just a week ago we were talking about getting married and picking out rings. He had introduced me to his family as his fiance and told me im his everything. Now this!! I dont know what to do… Please help!

  23. Aditi says:

    I’ve been with a guy since the past eight months. It’s a long distance relationship and as it suggests, it’s not so easy.
    We’ve been really good for the initial couple of months. I don’t know what happened then, things started deteriorating. Feelings started dying. We fight a lot these days. He gets mad at me for no reasons and when I try to find a reason, he feels I’m being nosy. There are trust issues, too between the two of us. If I talk to a another guy, he gets annoyed and abuses me. He feels pampering me is not his job! “I’m not your father’s slave who’d pamper you”, said he.
    I have been calm all the while because I felt he’d realise his mistakes and return. He did return but wasn’t guilty. Once when we had a fight he was like “Will you get the f**k out of my life or you want me to actually kick you out?” I was really hurt. He apologized for that later. I dont know if I believe his apology or believe in anything he says. “I love you” are just void words he is forced to say. He lives all alone and has no one to make him feel less lonely. He has me but he keeps on hurting me. I haven’t given up yet cause I love him with all my heart and feel it’s a phase. But now, these things are distracting me alot and I am unable to think! I’ve been depressed since the last week. Please tell me what to do.

    • Why do you think you should have to put up with his abuse? Because those words are abusive. I have a feeling that he would be even more verbally and emotionally abusive if you lived close. I could give you some idea of who this type of guy might be but it’s not important, because it would not be good. Did you have an abusive childhood? Who spoke to you like that? And who was the parent that was never around? Does a pattern seem to emerge with the anger and the physical and emotional distance? This is about a lot more than this guy.

      • Aditi says:

        As I told, I’m putting up with all this only and only because I love him and I know he feels the same. But since the past few months things have changed.
        I had a great childhood. No one except him has ever abused me and maybe that is the reason I cannot forget it.
        I think I should stay away from him but I cannot do that. Kind of addicted to him. It’s not as easy as it seems. :(

  24. Tonya says:

    I met my boyfriend through him selling me a truck. I am currently in the military in school and will be going back active duty when I graduate. He knew this from the beginning and stated he was willing to follow me. We did go all in at the beginning; we each have one child from previous marriages. Once during the relationship I was upset and did not speak to him for five days. Apparently that did not sit well with him. Also I was just getting out of a relationship and was torn for awhile and he knew this and “tried to show some compassion”. Long story short, he needs time to figure things out, he is not sure if he is ready to commit to a long term relationship anymore. He feels pressured that he has to make a decision about the next level soon, due to my military obligation. I have told him that was not the case and stop putting so much on himself. I’m hurt, devastated and feel betrayed, because he wanted all of these things at one point. I asked him if the relationship was over and he said he could not definitively say yes or no. It has been 4 days and we had a talk yesterday when I was told he just wasn’t sure and he really needs space. Should I send him the letter or the conversations we have had is sufficient enough. I will give him his space, that is not an issue, I just don’t want to lose him. I really love him and it’s only been 4 months. We both have met each other’s family as well and done things as a blended family with the kids during the summer.

  25. Heartbroken says:

    I have read a lot of articles and I don’t know if they’ve made things worse or not.
    Me and my ex were together almost 4 years … We have a car title together and apartment and conjoined
    Expenses like car insurance ect…
    He is only 24 and I 23
    But we have been in many ups and downs in the short time we were together
    He left me two months ago:(
    During these holiday times. Towards the end there was constant fighting
    He would constantly going out on “guys nights”
    Coming home at 6 am sometimes 3 times a week:/
    And I would become stressed and we fought often. He said one day he needed time
    He felt like he was missing out on a lot with his child hood friends (all immature men)
    And. He left … The first few weeks in was angry and hurt sending mean texts and he would try and tell
    Me things like ” I’m not what you need” and ” this is for the best”
    It went on for a month
    Recently we started talking but he never made an effort to see me:/ we have gone on one
    Date last week since he left and I accidentally let him know how angry I was about his priority being his friends
    By bombarding him with texts and texts sweet and angry!!!/.^
    He didn’t like that and now he’s been ignoring me
    He finally answered and said he cares for me but if it’s ment to be it’s ment to be
    And that he already told me he needed space and that all this messaging is pushing him away:/
    How do I get him back
    I want him for Christmas and New Years it’s been so hard and I can’t stop these urges to message him
    I feel like there’s so much to be said and questions to be answered
    Help please :,,(
    Thank you <\3

    • He needs to grow up. And you deserve better. Find your strength, your grounding. And don’t let him come back into your life right now. You need a more supportive relationship. If you do speak with him tell him that you feel angry. Say “I feel angry and I don’t want to date someone who decides to bail when things get tough.” And then don’t say anything else and see what he says. If he blames you, hang up.

  26. herroyalopti says:

    my boyfriend ask for space just recently and i got confused, sad and thought he was going to leave me he called and told me he has a problem in which he wants to solve but he will come around after he overcomes it.. i love him so much and am scared am gonna loose him but after reading your letter i sent him one and am hoping it works out how i want it cos i love him so much.

  27. Hon says:

    Hi all,
    I was with a guy for about 6 month. Everything was great at the beginning. He was soooo into me, he called several times, and we had a really good relationship, till one night that we had sex. I was virgin but that night I lost my virginity. In our culture, usually girls should be virgin till their marriage, but we live in canada! After that, I had a very bad time, I felt soooo bad!and he said our relationship is complicated! I didn’t even understand what did he mean! we were together for 2 month after that night, but he suddenly started to get space, he became cold! Once I saw a picture of a girl in his computer but I didn’t tell him anything. It was weird because some facebook photos of a girl was saved in a folder with her name! one night, I asked him to explain who that girl is and I saw he is contacting his ex in viber, they were texting in viber! after one week, he stopped calling me and I called him and asked what’s going on and why he is changing! then he said I need space. I hang up and that night he called me again but I didn’t want to talk to him! I texted him the day after and told him:I respect your need for space and I like you, so I think it’s better not to contact for a while. Then he responded: thanks for understanding me! I’m under pressure and I need some time to relax and think what I want. I hope everything will be fine at the end!
    After 2 weeks something came up that was related to our relationship, I contacted him and asked him to call me. He called me after one day and we talked about that issue. And we met after 2-3 days. He said he is thinking and it’s not a breakup, but people break up sometimes! and I said we cannot be in space forever, so let’s pick a deadline. He said he is ok with whenever I say. I said we were in space for more than 2 weeks, 2 more weeks would be enough! and last wednesday, 2 weeks passed and I didn’t hear anything from him. Also, last weekend was his birthday but I didn’t send him a text or anything else. I don’t know what should I do now? do I have to call him and ask him to talk? I like him so much and I want this relationship to work, but I don’t know what should I do. but I don’t know if he is contacting his ex or seeing the others! Please help me what to do now…..

  28. Susie Q says:

    My situation is this: my BF was married for 18 years then she divorced him. 6 months after their divorce he found me on a dating site and we started talking. We talked until two in the morning The first week or so. We discussed our previous relationships and I asked him if he would take his ex back, he said no way. I met him 2 weeks later and he told me he was in love with me. It took me awhile but I did eventually fall in love with him.
    We talked a lot and emailed a lot at first. He bought me flowers everytime he saw me. He always treated me well and we talked a lot! He met my children and I was introduced to almost all of his family. I have become very close to his sister and mom. Everything was going fine until he saw his ex wife’s parents and he started to pull back. I of course saw it immediately and began to question him as to what was going on. I do have to say that her parents did not want them to divorce and they are control freaks and was one of the problems in their marriage. When I asked him what was wrong… He would always say nothing just tired, stressed or busy at work. He does have a high stress job. However, I knew it was more than that when he stopped wanting to make love. I of course questioned him on that too! I was trying to get to the bottom of what was going on and he would clam up. I would ask if he wanted to break up or see other people and he would always say, “no… I just want to continue to date, improve and see where it goes.”
    Now, I recently found out he sent a text message on New Years eve to his ex but she did not reply.
    He keeps telling me and his family his head is not on straight. I told him on New Years day he was free so he could get his head on straight. He did not make one single comment at the time. The next morning before I left I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too but Didnt have his head on straight…
    I Know his ex has called him since I set him free and told him he needed to stop visiting her parents and stop contacting her and move forward with his life. I actually know his ex and she told me she called him because she wants us to be able to move forward. There is no hope she will go back to him.
    I am hurt, confused, and a little angry. What do I do? What does he mean? Is this his way of breaking it off thinking it will cause the least amount of pain for me? Is is doubting our relationship or is he still in love with his ex? Is there a chance he will come back to me or am I harboring false hope? Please help!

    • Susie Q says:

      BTW: there were a couple of days around the holidays when he didn’t contact me at all and when I saw him and asked why he didn’t call me he said he was too stressed. We did spend Christmas with his large family and exchanged gifts. After Christmas he called me a couple of times then stopped calling again. He has not contacted me since I told him he was free but I did call him briefly once to tell him something. He doesn’t call, email or text me at all now. Is this relationship doomed?

  29. Matti says:

    I met this guy at work, he made the first move and we then started hanging out, things went really fast, but he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment, and that he really likes me but wants to take it really slow and let things happen naturally, i agreed. So this has been going on for about 3 months now. A few days ago there was a misunderstanding and I over reacted with my feelings because I was starting to fall for him, so we argued and I think that kinda pushed him away, I dont know. Now he texts me but not as much, this has been going on only for a few days, and for example yesterday I didnt text him all day and he texts me today first this “!!!” then ” where have you been?” and later during the day i told him i feel theres something wrong, he replies saying that he thinks we need some space, some time to miss each other and take it easy, “just some space” and then he said I’m not saying I dont want you but i just think we need time and that he really hates pressure and that things went too fast. What does all this mean? what is he trying to say? what should i do now? im so confused, angry and hurt. Please help me! Is this over?

    • You both have communication problems. Neither of you know how to be direct and honest about your feelings. Sounds like he is “punishing” you for not talking to him on that day when you were confused and pulling back because you thought he was pulling back. It’s all avoidable and childish. Tell him how you feel:
      I feel upset and confused. I feel like after the fight where I felt I overreacted things got weird between us. I don’t want to feel weird. I don’t want space and I will honor your desire for it but am sad that you feel like you need to distance yourself from me for a bit. It’s hard for me and I don’t want to have this kind of space in my relationship. Maybe we can talk it though without distancing?
      Then see what he says.

  30. sammy says:

    Hello. I’m glad I stumbled upon this article. Sad thing is I wish I found it 24 hours ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We have had ups and downs but for the last couple of months we managed to stay away from fighting until Friday the 13th. After seeing 50 Shades of Grey!!! He wants to get married. We even have jokes about what we will be as a married couple and all that. I can say I’m pretty sure about my position in his life. The thing is when we get into an argument, my mind goes on overdrive And I start to over think everything and quickly, without giving it proper thought say I am breaking up. This is what happened. I said I was breaking up, an hour later I say I’m sorry I didn’t mean it. This didn’t salvage the situation but we spent valentines day and the day after trying to act as if we were ok. Until he dropped it on me on Sunday, saying he needed space to think And that I leave him at the slightest hint of trouble So He is beginning to fear that I will leave him and his children when we eventually get married. I reminded him that I said I was sorry. But he expressed his worries. He said even though I said I was sorry he still doesn’t feel I am ready for a commitment and that it seems to him I do not regard him as my future husband. I acted all cool and said he should take all the time he needed but inside I was angry, at him and myself too. I felt rejected. And I even felt dumped. I felt guilty and everything. yesterday I was anxious all day. Even after he sent me ims saying he was thinking about me a lot called me telling me about how his day went, I was still worried. I tried to communicate my feelings to him and he felt attacked and got angry. He gets really rude during these times. Will snap at me, sometimes he shouts And says hurtful things. He is years older than I am so he feels insulted by almost anything I say about his behaviour. I know he needs reassurance that I will not leave him. But I do not know how to reassure him because I know words are not enough. if I had seen this article earlier maybe I would have known what to do but now I am stuck because it has now become a much more difficult situation than it was yesterday. I have cried over the phone, begged, shouted, said all sorts of things. And of course, all to no avail it only pushes him further away and makes him angrier. I see my future with him. He is awesome and perfect when everything is rosy. But when we face a challenge he becomes very defensive and offensive. I do not know what to do. How can I restore the happiness and close the gap now that I have mucked everything up? Please help!

    • Anjali says:

      Same is happening to me. I have done same things….pushed him away…whereas he was everything I wanted…

      I am lost….confused!!!

  31. Eisha says:

    Hey ladies! I met this guy at work and we been seeing each other for the past 3 months. Things seem great until he said he wanted space. before this happen we would go out on dates, hangout a lot, call and text each other all the time. He told me about his daughter which I was totally cool with and agreed I wouldn’t meet her until 6 months. He said he was hurt in the past and wants to make sure the next girl he dates won’t leave. Then for some reason he wouldn’t say much or ignore me when I called or text him. I asked him why is doing that he said he likes to push my buttons,play hard to get with me and is shy. He said he has his guard up since what happen to him. He also said he didn’t like texting much and was like that with everyone but then he seemed distant. I asked him if something was wrong he said no and told me not to overthink it. He said he likes me a lot, wanted to take things slow and that he is happy with me when we are together so We made plans with each other and few days go by but I didn’t hear from him. I ended up calling and texting him. He said he was at the movies and never said anything after that. I called him out on it on why he isn’t talking to me and I told him I’m getting mix signals and if he likes someone else to tell me the truth. He got mad at me, said I was being insecure and he wants space for while. He also said there wasn’t someone else so this past week I still haven’t heard from him. It’s been a week so I sent him a text saying I’m sorry if I didn’t something wrong and that’s I respect what he wants but idk if I’ll hear from him again..I wasn’t going to call or text but I wanted him to know I’m still here..what should I do now?

  32. Erica says:

    I have been dating my boyfriend for five months and it seems great. We used to text each other throughout the day and he would call whenever he got the chance. Then all of a sudden he stopped sending me texts and only calls and talks for a short period of time. we no longer talk at night like we used too. I feel like he is pulling away. He never asked for space but from the way he is acting I thought it what he is trying to say. would writing him a letter still be appropriate? I do not want to come off as needy or insecure and I am trying to give him his space but I am also confused. I do not know how to act around him whenever we do hangout. is this normal? and is he really pulling away from me?

    • Just call him and say something like “Hey. I need your thoughts on something. I’m feeling confused and insecure and I’m hoping you can help.”
      And then when he asks what’s wrong, tell him. Make it short and calm: “I feel like you’re pulling back from me. Am I wrong to think this?”
      And see what he says. You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable bringing this up. You aren’t needy just because you feel like things are different or even worse in the relationship. If he can’t handle having a mature conversation about your feelings, you don’t need him. You want to feel like you can talk about anything.
      It’s only when you try to hide your feelings and start doing annoying things that send a signal to a guy that you are not sharing your true feelings with him and that you are not owning your insecurities. This creates a needy vibe and things get awkward.

  33. Anjali says:

    Hi Kristina,

    I and boyfriend are dating for past two years and have been happy together and serious about marriage. But recently from past 2-3 months, he is pulling away and I am not able to understand what is going in his mind. When I asked, he told me in bits and pieces that I have always made him feel that he is unfit for me and cant keep me happy anyways and he is feeling guilty now that he has wasted two years of my life. He is now tired of trying to fulfill my expectations. He feels pressured/stressed and want a break. I agree I was wrong in many situations and overreacted which I realized and asked for forgiveness. I don’t know what to do. I am confused/broken. I don’t want to lose him and he also loves me a lot. How can I make things better between us? I have faith in him and I know things can be improved but don’t know how? There is no communication between us.

    Please suggest.

    Thanks a lot!

  34. Renee says:

    Hi there, I’ve been reading through your site and really appreciate that it’s not focused on manipulation tactics on how to get your ex back. Here’s my story…My BF of 4yrs cheated on me last year, we had been growing distant for a little while. I was working all the time and really unhappy with my job and self. He was resentful of all the time I spent at work. Anyway, after I found out and had a cooling off period and after a lot of discussion we decided to separate and do couples counseling. For 3 months we went on dates each week to rekindle the romance and honestly the dates were going great, we were falling back in love with each other, but I was still on an emotional rollercoaster about his cheating and wasn’t able to heal or forgive. I had a sense of shame about falling for him again, that I was taking back a cheater which must make me weak. I ended up breaking up with him in April because I found it impossible to forgive him. Now it’s been two months since I broke it off and I have found forgiveness for him and been working a lot on myself. I don’t regret breaking up because it allowed me to find forgiveness and heal. I contacted him a couple weeks ago to tell him I still loved him and would like to try to move forward again together. His response was that he still has love for me but he needs more time and he will reach out to me when he’s ready. I took this as he wants me to leave him alone for the time being. I know he is seeing other people but I don’t know how serious it is. He fought so hard in couples counseling to salvage our relationship, so his uncertainty was a little surprising. How long should I give him to reach out? I didn’t want to go into “no contact” but that is what he’s asked for and I want to respect it. I’m finding it difficult because now I truly want to fight for this relationship, but I feel if I do anything I will push him away. What can I do to open up communication and make positive forward movement? I’m so worried about pushing him, I was always a pusher in our relationship and I want to give him the space he needs to heal. I saw our couples therapist and she suggested a letter much like the one you’ve outlined here, but I don’t want to cross a line. Any advice would be appreciated!

    Thank you!

  35. Maxine says:

    Hi, need advise on this.
    Me and my bf are livin together for 7yrs now and we have a son. Im 7yrs older than him he was 20 back then and was very responsible even before we had this “need time conversation”..we both noticed that theres a distance between us but i just didnt pay too much attention to it until one day i found out that theres a password on his phone.i ignored it and cried about about it and there was this moment where i cant keep the quiet time between us..he admits, hes talking to some girls at his office but it was nothing and will not go beyond that. He chats on the phone more often now and i dint know if its just his friends or if thats the girl..i was told that someone sees him with a girl and it seems diffirent..the main point is that, he never do that before.i can check his phone all the time he even ask me to check who texted him but now i feel like im out of the picture and wanted his conversation in private..v…
    He always tells me that he needs space and time for himself and im pushing him away by checking on him everytime..i cant help it! We used to be so open but now, hes very distant..we still live in one roof though…were not talking unless we have to but very casual..we had a commitment that i will give him space but my feelings is back and forth..sometimes im ok but most of the time im not..he says theres nothing wrong about me and this is his fight..he said he loves us coz were a family but for me love for a family is diffirent compared to being in love with someone….is flirting and chatting with other girls part of a man’s “me time”? I offered my help but he said just let him be on his own and look for answers..he also said in order for him to go back he needs to find where is he now in his life and where hes heading to…Should i wait? What should i do for the meantime? Im lost and im worried whats gonna happen to us after this. He knows that im hutt so bad and hes not happy about it..i just dint know what to do right now…he said to me not to focused on what hes doing chatting with other girls but to find my own happiness as well and be ready whatever decision he may have. He wont give up on us that easy and not worry so much…he once said i can do the things that makes me happy and reflect if im still happy with him..damn i am but not in this kind of situation…i feel like im letting him cheat on me and i dont feel respected and i dont feel good about it even if im doing it coz at sime point i am honoring his wishes though i lack consistency..should one of us go? Please reply on my email i would appreciate your advise..

  36. J says:

    Hi there –
    I enjoyed reading your blog and replies to other posts.
    I’ve been dating a guy who was very up front with his emotions from the start. He was worried he would fall for me and I wouldn’t reciprocate. Sure enough, even though I’m crazy about him, he got to “I love you” first. After being frustrated and feeling rejected, he has told me he needs space. He says his feelings have changed because he’s tired of being rejected. The truth is I do love him, but I haven’t expressed my feelings as quickly as he has. I’ve tried to explain this, but he thinks I’m only saying this now because I’m afraid of losing him. Truth: I am afraid of losing him.

  37. Anitra says:


    I recently was reunited with my love at first sight after 12 years ago. It was magical, even though we are about 8 hours apart, he flew me up to see him often. This went on for 5 months, as he was planning to move to my city to be with me. Then out of the blue his 15 year old daughter, who has always been told to hate him, decides she wants to live with him. I decided to give him space to get better acquainted with his daughter. I wrote him a love letter, and I just got a text from him saying “I am lost, and alone.”
    I texted back, Please don’t feel that way, however that has been days ago. I don’t know what to do, so open to advice. I do feel he is my soulmate, so I am letting fate dictate what to do.
    Thank you and best of luck in love!

  38. Kay says:

    Your website is amazing and has really helped me relax. I’ve been seeing this guy for as couple of months and have really strong feelings for him. We both have come out of very nessy relationships in the last year so this is the first time for both of us that we had feelings for someone else. Out of the blue the other day was split up, him saying that he cantbe in a relationship at the moment and needs to sort of what’s going on his head. He said he has feelings for me and he does want me he just can’t right now. We have now established that I am going to let him sort his head out and in the mean time we can be friends and if it develops in the future to something more great if not we will remain friends. I know this guy is worth it and the wait but wanted some advice on how toget him to keep those feelings and am I being a complete idiot for keeping the door open?

  39. Reanda says:

    Thanks for creating this. It makes me feel like I am not going insane. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, currently, and he decided that he is stuck in his head and doesn’t care about anyone or anything and needs space to figure things out. Initially, he couldn’t express this to me. Or, I just didn’t understand. But ultimately, this is the situation we are in. We parted ways 2 weeks ago and this is agony to me.

    Let me give you some background. We met in our early teens and fell hard. You hear about puppy love and such and both of us felt the other did not feel as strongly. I was in foster care and ended up having to leave without a word of explanation. It broke his heart and mine. We met again when I was 17 but I was moving to another state with my parents and turned down a marriage proposal from him because I knew my parents would not allow it (they had never met him; I didn’t want them ruining this). Well, 10 years, 1 child, and an abusive marriage later, we found each other once more. I was so happy and he was beyond ecstatic; that was in 2010. We were married in 2012. In the short time period we have been together, his father and a few of his friends have passed away. But that is only the beginning.

    We have lost jobs; had two pregnancies 6 months apart; and most recently, have been homeless for 8 months. We were last living in a one room motel that was tearing on our nerves. We had no intimacy. No privacy. And we recently found out our son might be autistic. We lost all of our housing fund because our car broke down. Those were his final straws. We were arguing over stupid stuff.

    So now the present. I knew our situation was bad but I was always positive that our relationship was good. I knew he was drifting away. I knew he had been stuck in his head. I offered support, and suggested solutions. I asked him to find a way to expel some of the problems he has been bottling inside. He didn’t try. He stopped writing, stopped expressing himself through his art. Changed his appearance. I could tell I was losing him these ways and I remarked on it. I was concerned.

    He feels like a failure. He told me this. I understand this. He is not. I know he is overwhelmed. But my problem is this: he wanted to leave to clear his head but he is going out to a bar with friends two days later? He doesn’t want to speak with me at all. He doesn’t miss me. I did exactly what you wrote: I cried; kept asking him why; would offer space and then call him shortly thereafter. I miss him so much. He is so mean to be right now and I know that he doesn’t mean it. He told me it was him, but then tells me its me? I know I got way too comfortable in the relationship and was not able to give him the attention he needed. I know that I can make it better. But I need the opportunity. I am afraid I am not going to be given it.

    I finally gave him the space he needed. He told me how can he expect me to give him space later on if I cannot give it to him now. That would be a reason he wont come back. I texted him yesterday to let him know his son had a rash and would let him know if it got worse, but other than that, there has been no communication since Tuesday at noon. I miss him.

    I should probably mention that I moved to my mothers again with the boys to give him distance. I am planning my life as if he is not coming back, but I still hope this is a bad nightmare when I wake up in the morning. And each morning, those wounds are raw and grated again. I cannot send him the letter. He really wants no communication with me right now. Any other suggestions?

    Thank you,

  40. Maria says:

    Hi Kristina,

    I enjoy receiving your newsletter and tips on relationships. But i don”t know if sending this letter will even sink in to my partner. I need some advise and suggestions on my situation.
    My partner and i have been together for 7.5 years and we have many ups and downs. In recent years we have separated several times and when we finally settled our differences we were doing great. Until i had a family problem and we talked about what was to come, we both agreed on helping my family(sibling) with the problem. We moved to a new, well i did with our kids. He stayed back for work reasons and was living with my mother for over a year. We communicated as much as we could through text, calls, face time, and weekends or his days off; which were the best and happy days of the week. We didn’t have much privacy as i lived in an extra living room at the new place. We also had conflicts but always managed to talk about them well at least i though. We couldn’t wait to finally move out and be a family. Weeks before moving we would talk about all the plans we had and tell each other how much we missed each other and each others company and a family in whole. He would say how much he loved and missed me and how he couldn’t wait to have that privacy we had not had in over a year. And when we finally moved in together things were not the same. We started fighting over small things and he kept getting distant with me and ignoring me and getting upset over dumb things. And when i finally said something, trying to figure what was happening. He just released his feelings saying he no longer loved me, he didn’t feel nothing for me. That being intimate was not the same for him. While i had felt connection and love, which confused me so much. I cant understand what he was feeling a few weeks into our move. I tried to talk to him and try and work it out as i love him dearly and want to be with him. And being away from him made my feelings stronger for him but he doesn’t feel the same. So he Left me and my kids in the new city we just moved to, i have no job and he has been the head of household and works 1 hr away. He left me with a broken heart, confusion, mis-understanding what went wrong in such a short time. I left him alone for several weeks and did not try to contact him but my heart and pain was there and tried to talk to him to see if we could work something out. But kept getting the same response from him. He then said he was tired and confused and that he doesn’t know if he and i could go back to working something out. I left it alone again but seeing my kids so sad and broken makes it worse on me and how to deal with our daily lives. I talked to him again and he just blamed me for so many things that i don’t even know why he said so many cruel things to me and blaming himself as well for certain things. I acknowledged somethings he said were right but that doesn’t give him the right to walk out on his family and whatever issues there may be or how he feels about us from one day to another. He said he “needed space” but idk if he is saying that because he wants me to change my ways or he wants to think his feeling through or he really is done with us. Please help what should i do? I haven’t reach out to him in over 2weeks and he has been gone for over a month.

    Any advise is really appreciated and i am taking some of your tips on healing myself.

    Thank you,

  41. Abby says:


    I stumbled across your blog and I am loving it. So I have been seeing this guy since March and everything has been going great! We spoke about where we wanted to go with the relationship and he wants to take it slow and I agreed with him. Recently, I felt very vulnerable because I had family members putting pressure on me to get married and I spoke to him about it. At the end of the conversation, I told him that I don’t even know what I am doing with you. I feel like making that statement has put a strain on our relationship. I don’t know if I am being paranoid but things are not the same. I asked him if I did anything wrong and he said no. I mentioned the fact that we haven’t spent time together and he apologized and did something about it the next day. He is a good guy and his efforts motivate me to make efforts too. Is it okay to be worried that something is missing or am I being paranoid about the whole situation? The last thing I want to do is to be insecure but I can’t help but think I might have done something to put a strain on my relationship with him. Please advise me, thanks.

  42. MK says:

    I did that and now I am living my life

    He texts daily but nothing emotional

    However, I don’t know if he wants space or wants me to breakup with him because he has the Good guy thing going and doesn’t want to be a jerk

    I told him I missed him once and he ignored it.

    I don’t mind being patient but at the same time i want to communicate that I will not die if he wants do end it.. Better now than later so I don’t waste my time and energy.

  43. sandy says:

    i am going through a very bad phase….I was in relationship for 3 years but we had a breakup 2 months back because he said he dosen’t want to be in relationship anymore, its just not his temperament….and he likes someone else. I accepted his decision calmly and we parted as amicalble friends, though I was heartbroken and depressed badly, it nearly killed me…after that we met few times for coffee and movie and then slowly i stopped contacting him or messaging him…after around 2 weeks of no contact..he texted me asking how I am and wants to meet me. When we met he hugged and kissed me and eventually we decided to give another chance to eachother. After that I tried with my heart and soul to give him my time and attention. Called him daily…but he did not call me once. Then after 1 week he said he cannot be in any relationship and wants to end it…I was ok with it since I felt he was not into it. Same day he said after sometime he has become very temperamental and if I am able to handle him, We can be in relationship…but again backed off saying no.That night I cried whole night…besides that he told me he was not in contact with the other girl but he was I came to no through him only. After that the next day he again messaged me that he will make things right for us and he would not talk to that girl anymore and I should just give him few days so that he is stable enough. I did not reply to him..I don’t kno what to do…Should I give him time or move on???

  44. Esther says:

    Hi Kris great blog, and really hit a nerve with me. My husband has just left saying he felt pressured and needed space, this stems from a situation surrounding trying for children, I want to he doesn’t. He feels lonely and I feel angry so at the moment, now he’s left, I’m not even sure if I want him back because I’m am so angry with him. Maybe I should just let it all go cut my losses and move on.

    When he left he said he wanted me to text him so he didn’t feel alone in this, but I now think that was incredibly selfish of him. I veer between think I should do something to try and fix it to think f**k it I’m done! Maybe it’s me that doesn’t love him anymore, he said I was the problem and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married but has said he still loves me and cares for me, but he’s been gone a week now with minimal contact and the more silence there is the angrier I seem to get with him. I feel as though he isn’t coming back call it intuition or paranoia or something and I get angry because I feel let down. We’ve been married just three years.

    Confused is not the word, and I am terrible at being patient!

  45. Tonee says:

    Hi.! This is my first time on this website and you have really great advice. But i need help. My boyfriend and I broke up about three days ago and I’ve been the only one that texts him first. He says he needs space, but idk if that means its actually over.for the past couple of months all we been doing is arguing and breaking up. I mean I understand why he needs space but I’m confused. He says he thinks about me all the time but yet I’m the one to text him first. And just yesterday he said he seen me and said that I look beautiful. I’m so confused. All I been doing is telling him how much I love him and he says that we already tried and that maybe we need to be single to find ourselves. What does that mean.? He says he doesn’t want to be with other girls and that he still loves and cares about me but he keeps confusing me. I keep texting him cus I miss him and want to work on things but he doesn’t think things will change.? So is it really over or does he really just need time to himself.?

  46. Bubu says:

    Hi Kristina, great write up but pls I need ur advice. I and my boyfriend dated for a year then we had misunderstanding n he told me he needed space which I gave him but during those periods it wasn’t easy for me cos I so much with my heart. I kept on calling his line n meeting with his friends to help me to talk to him,he got angry n called me on d phone n told me it was over between us. I felt heart broken n decided to move on with my life. I stopped doing d calls,texts or checking up on him. After a year we went seperate ways he started calling me on d phone sAying he wants to see me n that he has really missed me. I decided not to honour the invitation. He kept on sending me msgs,he checks my profile on Facebook n he was also sending his friends to me. Then on my bday he begged for us to see which I honoured his invitation. He told me everything that happened when we were nt with each other n Hw he has nt seen a girl that loves him d way I do. We had fun dat day n we both went our ways. A week later he told me he wants to see me n I went to see him at the same restaurant we both met on the day of my bday. He told me he wanted my happiness n he wants to settle down with a woman from his home town n nowhere else that I should bless him. Which I did. He told me he doesn’t want to av anything serious with me cos he is nt getting any younger dat he wants to be alone. That he has so much to think about n nt Abt wat is bothering me concerning the relationship. I don’t know Wat to do cos I really love him with my heart. Pls help me.

  47. Beatriz says:

    Coming across this website really helped put things in perspective for me. Thank you so much for this post!!! My boyfriend of 3 year recently broke up with me after a fight we had over the phone when he was away to visit family. We have been arguing a lot the last few months over silly things and even though our fight wasn’t a big one, it led to our break up. He said that he just isn’t happy how things are going with and he would rather break up now and have a chance in the future than resent each other and never see each other again. I have flaws and so has he that we have both spoken about after the break up. I saw him yesterday to talk and to clarify where he sees this going because I didn’t want to hope and misread what he said for something more. He told me that he still loves me deeply and still sees a future with me. But he wants two months to himself. To just focus on himself and to find himself again. He then wants to meet up after those 2 months and to see if things about us have changed. To start dating again and to take it slow. I agreed that we need time apart to work on ourselves separately. We took each other for granted and we just fell into routine. So I agree with some time apart. I am unhappy and hurt that he is okay with being apart for 2 months and not speaking…. But he is so set on this that nothing can change his mind. He has expressed to me that he does truly want to be with me after the time apart. He knows how he feels about me he just wants to be alone to figure out who he is without me. And I know he is genuine. He wouldn’t play me around and say that when he doesn’t mean it. So this article really helped me because I have been struggling with giving him space… I keep texting him. But finally I sent him a similar email from above and all I can do now is wait. The advice above is fantastic! I never realised by begging and pleading I was still reinforcing negative feelings he had with the break up… So by sending him an email I was able to remove the guilt he was feeling by saying I’ll be okay and only focus on the best memories we’ve shared. I’m still my own worst enemy because I second guess myself and find that I want to text him to try and convince him to change his mind…. What can I do to stop these thoughts??

  48. Nicole says:

    My boyfriend of 7 years asked for space on Sept 7th after a heated argument the night before. We have been bickering a lot lately mostly because of my own issues. He said he was unsure if he could see a future with me because he can’t imagine 30 years of his life filled with bickering. He left that night for work out of town. I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no that he just needed time to himself. He explained that I was smothering him and pushing him away, that he just needed space to think. After a week of little to no talk. I sent him a letter with a lot of your recommendations. He messaged me on Sept 19th saying that he would be home in a week and half to talk. He apologized that he wasn’t going to be home sooner, but things changed. Which was expected, I knew he might need to stay longer on the job. I asked if he wanted no contact until he comes home and he said no I can talk to him. He won’t give me any assurance and hasn’t really tried to make conversation with me since. I’m trying not to worry and trust the love we have. Could this just be him resisting? Why can’t he at least say, everything is Ok we will talk when I get home? Or does he still not know what he wants.

  49. Mary says:

    Hi I just found your amazing website. I’m having this exact situation but the thing is that we are in a long distance relationship and this phase happened to me a week before. I mean, 10 days ago I was too anxious and felt like garbage to him and I felt like I’m dying of sadness because of him not paying enough attention to me so I saw a therapist and he said your relationship is having a change and moving to another level and if you can’t sync yourself right now tell him that you need some space and time alone. I did it but he didn’t let me be alone. I tried so hard to get back to life and feel normal again. it’s been 3 days that I’m trying my best to be good but today he told me that he needs space and he said he is tired. ( I know that recently he’s been through a lot of pressure, exactly the same as me myself ). I know that there’s no other woman in his life, and I’m sure that he loves me. but I’m scared of losing this relationship. losing is so simple. it can happen easily to anyone. even the ones who are in love.

    • The last thing either of you need is space. You both are probably pushing through some fear as you get closer and need to not push away. Tolerate the feelings and stay consistently close with communication and affection. The darker feelings will burn off in time. But space ‘wars’ are not the solution. Asking for space will set off his fears, as he has now set off yours. Don’t let power games ensue.

  50. yele says:

    Hello, your site is awsome and very helpful. Ive neen with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We recently just had a heated argument about crossing bounderies. He has female Friends which
    I don’t mind. Its they he talk to them, conpliment them. It makes me feel insecure and disrespected. Ive told him many times to stop but he says itts nothing and im over reacting. Yesterday was the last draw and I went crazy so now he wants space which is fine too because I need it too. However should text him little messages to let him know I still love and care for him?

  51. Emma says:

    Hi Kristina, I came across your site at a very opportune time. I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about 6 months (we worked together and hung out a lot before this) at the start of our relationship he often lightly commented about how his bad family life and a messy break up when he was younger had left him quite damaged and afraid both of commitment and abandonment. Things had been going so great for us, we were both so happy.
    Then last week he went on holiday, at the start he was messaging me constantly and saying how much he missed me and how that itself was worrying him. Then suddenly he became cold and distant and stopped responding to my messages. When he got back we met up and I was very apprehensive as it was apparent that something was really wrong. He said that in all his experiences the people he loved always leaved and he was preempting is breaking up now because he was convinced when it gets to this stage things only go down hill from there. He mentioned again about his difficult family life and previous relationship break up. He said that I deserved better and that he needed to leave to protect his own feelings. He seemed very resolute in this while all the while saying he loved me so much. He’s naturally a very bad over thinker and worrier and while I know it’s best to give him space I worry that on doing so he will just use this time to convince himself that it’s ok to back out of the relationship. He mentioned that he sought therapy in the past and it was helpful he said he’s scared to do it again incase he’s not able to deal with the emotional issues that he might be forced to confront. I sent him your letter as suggested but I need to know whether to fully step back and let him self destruct along side our relationship or to keep persisting that we need to see eachother regularly and talk through things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I’m so confused as to the correct corset of action to save my relationship. Thanks

    • Blessie says:

      Hi Mis Emma, we have a little bit in the same situation, my man is also over thinker & afraid of what will happend…
      Wat i did is i write him a letter as based on Mis kristina’s article & at the same time i convince him that i will be more happy to be on his side & i give him assurance that my love for him is bigger that cannot afford to lose him, in my case its effective & now we are okay.. :-)

      P.S. : with all your respect Mis kristina :-) for your approval on posting :-) God bless…

  52. Blessie says:

    Hi have a good day…
    I’m so happy today because i win him back:-)
    Im glad and happy to read your article..
    More power Ms kristina & God bless…!

  53. KAY :( says:

    Hi, as i am typing this i am dying inside :( i have been with my bf for over three years and yes it had its ups and downs but i was happy and i have never stopped loving him. i havent been the most amazing gf i havent always treated him the way he deserves and i have told him that and i have changed and worked on my problems. After all of that he says i dont make him happy and he doesnt love me anymore or love me enough to take the relationship to the next level, this has crushed me and he also said he needs space and time to think, so i asked him do you want me to leave and move on and he says he does not know! so what do i do please help and how can i make him love me again because i really do want to be with him. id do and give anything i need advice please

    Thank you

  54. Brittany says:

    Hi, I love your writings they are inspiring and a breath of fresh air for someone like me who finds herself lost. I was wondering what your thoughts are for my situation. I’m going through a tough time with my husband. We started out having a long distant relationship for 1yr I had two small children when we met. After a yr we decided to break it off bc neither of us was ready to move from our home town, after about a month he called me and said he loved me and wanted to be with me , a few weeks later he moved to my home town and things were wonderful we were very close happy and open with our feelings about each other. After the second yr of living together I started issues with his family started to cause tension, he has 6 siblings and they all but two of them seemed to always have something negative to me his father told me to my fave he didn’t like me I was angry and hurt and I told my now husband about this. He requested that I be the better person bc he wanted to be with me forever and didn’t want tension or for hours family to see me as a negative argumentative person. That hurt I felt like he didn’t support me at times, with that the negative vibe from them continued everyone we would visit or they visited us. I began to take my anger out on him, he in turn became distant I did the ultimate no no and began to ask why, I would push him to tell me what was wrong, I questioned his feelings for me which I had never done before (mainly bc it was always clear) I was scared that he would break up with me when drape his families negative vibe I truly loved him and the person he was and how I felt when we were together. 4 years in he stated that he was going into the military I flipped out I felt abandoned and even more scared that his feelings for me had changed and that one he left for boot camp that would be the end of us. Surprisingly it was the opposite or letters where open asks living and honest about what we had been going through he stated that he knew things were rough but he felt we could get passed this if I approached things in a more calming manner, he felt I lead too much with my emotive and that if I could control it a little we could be great again. That distance made things with us better (so I thought). His family hadn’t changed much but I tried to ignore them but I just couldn’t stop complaining about them (I know now it’s not a good idea to complain about your spouses family). He asked me to marry him and natural I said yes during the planning his family got a little rougher his dad was anger that I didn’t give him a huge part in the wedding, I requested he do the prayer at dinner as he is a deacon at his church but he stated if he didn’t have a bigger part he wouldn’t come, his mother pushed a 100 people on me when I explained it was a small 60 persons wedding and I couldn’t fit in everyone and to top it off his brother proposed to his girlfriend during my engagement (they have always been a competitive family)I felt that was rude and I know out of my control but my stress level was already through the roof. We got married and it was beautiful yet all I could do was complain and nag about silly things like moving to FL where he is stationed leaving behind my great job as I was having trouble find a job in FL I did all the won’t things I didn’t show love or trust that he could provide even though I knew he was and still is the best father companion and provider. We had our first child together and he couldn’t be there for the birth due to him being deployed I was horrible I complained about how sad I was that he wasn’t there, at the time I couldn’t see what I was doing I felt I was just explaining my hurt because I missed him and wanted to share that experience with him but I was telling him the exact opposite. Now here we are 8years together only married 1 yr we’ve been through 2 deployments and another is coming up in a few months, ever since this pay spring he had been distant no real emotional intimacy we have sex but not nearly as often or as passionate as before, we have kissed maybe 3 times in the last 7 months and for a while we didn’t even make time to spend together he started going out with his friends more you would think I would learn my lesson but NOPE I got scared and started pleading, he finally told me he doesn’t think he loves me anymore, a friend gave me a book the 5 love languages and it opened my eyes big time. I took a real hard look at myself and realized my attitude complaining and nagging was out of control. We said we would try to make our marriage work but he was honest in sarong he doesn’t know if it can because although we had some great times we also had some really rough times and he feels the pay is making it hard for him to connect with me on an intimate level. It doesn’t seem like he was trying much at all, for months lately he’s been seeing time to spend with me and we ate cuddling more and laughing and talking some (it’s been awhile since we’ve had a conversation that wasn’t about the girls or bills). But it seems out moments are short lived after a great day or night he seems to get distant again for a few days and it’s like I’m not even there. Just yesterday he told me he was confused and needed to figure things out so he decided he was going to stay at a friends on the weekends we works nights so during the week he sleeps most of the day and isn’t home at night now he will be gone on the weekend also. When he left today I didn’t cry or get angry (which was my norm) he told me he wasn’t upset with me and that there’s no reason for me to be upset. I said nothing I was afraid that if I spike my emptiness would flow incorrectly. He then left and called me from the car and stayed again there was no need for me to be upset, he said we should go to dinner or a movie so he could wear his new shirt I bought him, and he wanted he made plans for him and I to watch our favorite show (the walking dead) together. I’m confused and scared but I’ve also complained so much in the past I don’t want to say anything to make him think I’m still that complaining nagging wife, I want to be a better wife to him and show him that I love him dearly and appreciate him and that I feel I was having a hard time dealing with his family’s negativity and I want to take steps to repaying myself and us but I’m hurt that he is gone. I don’t know if there is hope for us I don’t know what to think, I know me and the girls will eventually heal if he leaves but I to rebuild my marriage. Have I finally pushed too hard. Thank you for listening and any advise you can give in all ears.

  55. Sydney Brummitt says:

    I wrote a letter to this guy I liked three days ago. He hasn’t responded or told me how he feels. People tell me he’s more interested in school. But I don’t know. What should I do?

  56. Lolita says:

    Hi Kristina,
    I really liked your article on what a man means when he needs space. I’ve read a bunch of articles, and this article is probably the only one that helped me understand things from my boyfriend’s perspective. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR WISDOM! The only thing is the situation is reversed for me. My boyfriend ACTED like he needed space all of last week!!! He was studying for a bunch of midterms and would barely text me. He didnt want to meet up with me even though I live 10 mins away. In the past, he’s told me that he needs me when studying for tests so this confuses me. Just yesterday I was the one who asked him that I needed space to rethink things because I am extremely hurt that he ignored my feelings. He told me straight up that I was too needy and that he couldnt handle things for me and that I had to do them on my own. I was super hurt by this too because I DO things on my own. I just love seeing him in person because our relationship has been long distance for a while now. I really dont ask him for anything but communication and quality time.
    A little background about me: I’m a 4th year med student who has had to travel a lot in the past few years. I also have to undergo a LOT of mental stress with regards to exams and trying to find residency. When I met my boyfriend, he made life worth living and mostly FUN. Because although I’ve had to meet and unmeet people, He had been my constant in my world full of changes. And trust me, it’s so difficult to keep moving around and not being able to live a steady life. I just love him so much, but sometimes I feel scared because i’ve been hurt really badly before.
    A little about my boyfriend: He’s trying to become a physiotherapist assistant and just recently started going back to school and has to commute 4 hours everyday plus study for numerous assignments and tests. Our permanent homes are about 10 mins from each other. He doesnt have sisters at home or many female cousins. The last relationship he was in ended abruptly, but he didnt have fights with that girl. He only dated her for 6 months.

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 1 year and 10 months now. We both were madly in love with each other in the beginning. We started off long distance so we would always have to go through extraordinary lengths to see each other. We also got into many fights and arguments over these months of dating. We are both very stubborn even though we love each other a lot. I really cant help but blame myself because I was hurt by a bunch of douchebags and never really took proper time off to heal from those hurts. When I first starting dating my man everything was so magical. He would ALWAYS compliment me and make me feel special. Over these months we were dating though, we’ve undergone some pretty nasty fights which involved name calling and hurtful/cuss words. Out of the both of us, I was the one who would threaten to breakup with him and do all sorts of impulsive things like delete pictures, rip them apart..only later to regret doing so. The truth is I love him soooo much and it makes me so SCARED. I literally would die for him if I could. It’s so scary, but I completely lost myself falling in love with him. When im scared I cannot think straight at all. I’ve come to realize this is very immature and childish.
    The irony behind all of this is that when I finally decided to change myself for the better, things did not imporve between us because he just got too busy. In the last month, my boyfriend has been so busy that he doesnt call me as much. He doesnt have as much time to talk since he has been constantly worried. I got immature again and admit to getting angry everytime he didnt make efforts to communicate or be there for me without me asking him. I also got mad at him because the last few arguments we’ve had…he didnt try to talk them out properly with me. I really feel like he doesnt care about my feelings and no matter how much I’ve tried to get over this insecurity, I just believe he doesnt. it’s mainly because he doesnt initiate an adult conversation between us to discuss and communicate. especially recently. This past week he started to ignore me completely. He barely texted me, picked up my calls and full out told me that he didnt have time for me. He’s even said things like “you’re making my head hurt”, or you’re “wasting my time”. I’m so confused. I mean, I do love him a lot but his behaviour is making me PANIC so hard. I cant focus on my studies and I just feel plain pathetic that I need him so much. my questions are:
    1) Why didnt he just ask me for space? It’s just make me feel more courageous than him because I had the guts to tell him that I cant handle his rude behaviour anymore.
    2)Is there a chance for us to have a healthy relationship? I’m in deeply in love with him but our lives are so stressful and all my family and friends keep telling me it isnt going to work between us. Like I mentioned, we fight a lot but we’ve also created some of the best memories together.
    3) If i give him this space, will he miss me? Will he realize that communication is so important?
    4) If I write him that letter saying those three things that I love about him, will he think im desperate again? I have been desperate in the past and I really dont want to come off as that anymore. I want to be an attractive woman again. I want to have my emotions under control. I want to learn to NOT NEED HIM but just love him freely.
    5)Is it right for a boyfriend to put down ignore his girlfriend’s feelings?
    Any help you can offer would me really helpful. Thank you so much once again.

  57. liddie says:

    Kristina – I wrote this letter to my long-distance boyfriend of 4 years. I want to move to where he is and he doesn’t want that. Naturally after 4 years I was frustrated so I released some pressure and some guilt about why he wants to keep me long distance (I have 2 daughters from a marriage as well). He said he needed to think. Communication slowed and even though he would respond to my texts, I realized I needed to back off and so I wrote the letter you suggest a few days ago. Today he responded thanking me for the letter, he loved it, still thinking, and misses me.

    The problem is, you suggest that he get to set the pace of the relationship if the relationship continues. He has done that this entire time and he is perfectly happy to keep us long-distance (whether he is scared, protective of me and the girls, unsure, or just being too logical about what’s best for our jobs). I want to take the next step. I wouldn’t doubt he would be happy long-distance for another 5 years. I feel like I deserve a man who WANTS me in his life.

    I don’t suspect cheating or anything like that. He’s a good guy. And I love him more than I thought was possible. But I have to put my foot down for my and my daughters’ sake. I haven’t responded to his response. I also read your response to a letter about a long-distance relationship and your suggestion to start dating other men until he can commit. It sounds like counter-productive to the letter-writing suggestion, but it is something I’m interested in to start feeling valued again.

    What are your thoughts in my situation? I really want us together, but realize that in the end our wants may not match up – and I know I’ll be ok… but our connection and potential is incredible. I’ll be so frustrated if we don’t get a chance to be together “for real”.

  58. Dayna says:

    Hi Kristina,

    I really wish i had come across your website before i had gone and done everything that you just said not to do. Its been 7 days since my bf of 5 years broke up with me and it hurts so bad. I cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant even focus at work.

    At first it was about space, he said he needed time to think about everything as he was in a very dark space this past November as his mother attempted suicide and was in ICU for the whole month. As much as it hurt to hear him say he needed to time to get out of the dark space he was in as i was there for him through everything i respected the decision but it hurt like HELL.

    He packed his bags and went to go stay by family (We lived together). It has been a HORRIBLE week sleeping without him and i feel so damn empty. After spending 2 days begging him to come back i finally stepped back. It came across like he was leaving me for good and it hurt like hell. I finally got more information out of him and he told me that there was another woman he was communicating with for the past month, he told me how she is a good listener and how he told her he as feelings and so does she.

    He said he is a confusing time and space in his life and that i need to move on. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through. I was under the impression that he wanted space to think about us and instead he is breaking up with me. I also feel like he is not playing games as he hasn’t fully moved out. His stuff is ALL still there. He said he needed the month to figure everything out and that he still wants to be with me and he still has feelings for me but not like it was before. (I forgot to mention that after spending Wednesday and thursday not saying anything to him he phoned me 3 times each day (This confused him).

    He came over on Saturday to get some more clothes for the week and we spend an hour and 30 mins talking about everything. He assured me that he wasn’t YET pursuing this MUCH OLDER WOMAN as he still has me on his mind all the time. Yet he still sees her everyday at gym and speaks to her till early hours of the mornings (They kissed to but he said he pulled away because it felt strange). I asked him how he can think clearly and still see her and he said all he does is think. He talks about how she has been there for him and again it HURT as i was always there for him.

    I should have mentioned that we are each others first well er, everything and i was wondering if maybe its normal that he is curious about experiencing other people. That its normal for him to be confused?

    I sent him a LONG LONG LONG message early morning Sunday explaining that i love him but respect his choices even if it hurts. I also mentioned that this woman is nice to have now but what about his future. He said he didn’t know how to respond to me which i hated to hear and he never came back to me, he just ignored me for the rest of the day.

    Something woke me up at 1am this morning and said to go on my phone and i noticed he was only. Naturally i was excited but also upset because i knew he was talking to her so i told him that its unbelievable that he pushes me away and always says “can we please not do this right now” and it seems that never is a good time to “do this” yet he can stay up speaking to her…

    I think i made a mistake saying this because he said that this was the reason he could not be with me anymore, because he tells me things and i use it against him, because i always fight with him and that it has nothing to do with her and that he will talk to me today… He still hasn’t called.

    I am trying very hard to keep occupied but i dont know what to do anymore…Should i just let go?

    • It sounds like this guy has deep issues with his mother. The fact the woman tried to kill herself tells me that he grew up with a mom who had some serious problems, and these problems probably deeply affected him. The fact that this woman he is talking with is older is a big ‘Of course’ to me. She represents something to him that has to do with his mother, who is the one he’s talking about when he says you aren’t there for him– she wasn’t there for him as a mom, emotionally. This woman is recreating a place for him to redo his childhood pain and heal the part of him that feels not enough to keep his suicidal mom alive.
      I don’t recommend you tell him all this. See, you are getting aggressive the more he pulls back. This is natural. And the fact that he is emotionally regressing to small boy (probably the age when he was most aware of her issues with him), is causing you to become maternal. Part of being maternal is to act controlling and pushy– this is what moms have to be. But you are not his mom and he is not a child.
      I think you should stay away from him for now. Let him do whatever he has to right now– you can’t control how he deals with his pain. Especially since he’s already pushed you away. You have to take care of yourself now– mother yourself instead of him. Get out of this trauma-drama of his life and find some happiness and peace. You are so wrapped up in his pain because you’ve been carrying it for him for awhile– this is what mothers do for their children. Let his pain let back to him and breathe into a more relaxed life without him.
      If he comes back to you, which he will, tell him that you absolutely won’t get back together unless he goes to counseling. This man needs real help, and you can’t save him. But you can save yourself.

  59. amanda says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I had alot of trust issues in the beginning. So scared of being hurt again after getting our of a realationship of 8 years. I kept my guard up. In the last few months I have I have admitted to myself I’m so in love with chris. And let my guard down. We got into a silly argument on Christmas he left and will not talk to me but told a friend he just needs space right now. I’m so hurt and confused. Can’t eat sleep focus on work. I just shut myself in a bedroom. I have stopped texting him since this morning when he would not reply. Idk what to do. I can’t lose him he’s literally all I have. I have no family friends. He loved me when I couldn’t love myself

  60. Annie says:

    Hello. I’ve been incredibly hurt this past few days and have spiraled downwards googling for advice and suggestions on google and I happen to found yours and it made me feel better. I was hoping for your input with my situation as well.

    My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship for a year now and this past Christmas eve, I discussed with him about my issue with making more effort in our relationship. I only brought it up because I only get to see him on twice a month on the weekends and he recently joined an activity that requires him to participate on one of the days I’m available to see him. This made me upset because it sounds like he did not think of me when he made this decision.

    I don’t think he saw my perspective or understood why I was upset or brought up the issue that I put in more effort.

    Every since Christmas, he has been acting distant and callous. He eventually told me he needs space. It’s been almost a week now and I haven’t heard from him. I tried my best to be patient and understanding, but it’s been incredibly hard.

    Everything was perfectly fine until I brought up the issue. It was that one thing that caused him to re-think our whole relationship.

    Do you think there’s any hope?

    • Annie,
      I’m sorry you are hurting. It’s so frustrating when we give thought and energy to a relationship and then feel like the other person doesn’t care to do the same. In fact it sounds like he’s punishing you for this. Which is unacceptable.
      I know that sometimes we meet people long distance and sparks fly, but these types of relationships usually just cause pain. Sometimes they work out– but usually there are plans in the works from the first weeks to have a future together. This guy sounds like he’s happy just seeing you twice a month. His immature and callous reaction tells me that he’s either the type who is basically emotionally unavailable to a real partnership and thinks twice a month is plenty, or he has a whole other life with one or more other women.
      If I were you I would take this space he wants and go out and date. You don’t have to take it seriously or sleep with another man– and don’t have revenge sex. But go meet men in your area. Go force yourself to get dressed nice and chat and flirt with men. You don’t have to like them romantically. Just have fun enjoying male attention. I know this sounds like the last thing you want to do, but think of it like you’re being proactive with your love life and aren’t just sitting around waiting for a man who throws you away when you speak up about your needs. Don’t let the self loathing happen. You deserve to feel happy, free and sexy. You deserve this with a man who wants to see you progressively more and more. Don’t accept morsels and scraps from a man who throws them your way when he doesn’t have anything else to do that day. This is a new year!! Make it a year to do everything you can to set yourself up to feel loved, cherished, desired and prioritized!!

  61. Stacey says:

    Hello I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. And last tuesday he called me out of no where and told me he no longer wants to be with me any more, that he just needs space. It literally killed me inside. He said it’s nothing I did wrong, he is just so depressed with his life and the only thing that is making him happy right now is going to the gym. He said he still will talk to me, he’s not shutting me out, he just needs space. We do talk every day and everyone says try not to talk to him but it’s so hard when all I do is think about him. He was a huge part of my life, I was always there for him. I did anything he asked me to do. Now there were other times when he said he didn’t wanna be with me any more but in a few. Days he would get over it and act as if nothing happened and it was basically over nothing because he was just being so selfish. But this time, it just feels so different. I can’t sleep right, I can barely eat, I can’t function at work and when I think of him all i do is cry. I’ve never had so much love for a man before and he knows that. Although he said he wants space, he calls me to see what I’m doing. And sometimes asks to see me, so I do talk yo him almost every day. And when I ask if there will ever be another chance he keeps telling me I’ll be ok. I don’t want him to say tHat. I want him to miss me and just love me. I can’t move on with my life and i don’t want to either. I have two little girls who love him so much and ask every day when can they see him and it breaks my heart. I love him so much and I just want him back. Please help me. Please

  62. Sara says:

    Thank you for this article. I am going through a hurricane of emotions right now and I’m struggling to be reasonable and rational. This article taught me how to relax into all my love for him rather than to worry endlessly about why he needs space. The meditation exercise particularly helped me to relax and realize that my energy is better spent feeling joy rather than sadness. You mentioned in your article that him saying he needs space is not necessarily a “goodbye” or he would have said goodbye. I truly believe that he does care for me and even the most perfectly matched couple are bound to fight once in a while. I went through your whole process, bath, soothing music and all. I’ve written him a letter and I plan to mail it. This process has helped me let go of the panicking feeling that I need to call him constantly, that I need to fight, or beg for him. Instead, I know that expressing my love for him and my understanding, and my respect in this letter will allow us to both feel positive feelings instead. And ultimately, I can rest tonight with feelings of warmth and love in my heart rather than distress because of this process. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I am glad I can look into it from this perspective now. Thanks again.

  63. Thank you so much for this post – i wrote the email last night and i was really surprised to get a response.
    He texted me saying “Idk what to say” it was late so i didn’t reply but when i woke up he had messaged again saying “You make me feel a lot things emotionally which leaves me conflicted”.

    I think i know what that means but then again I’m scared i don’t. please help me!!
    is it a good thing i make him feel things emotionally? – when we met he was very quiet, enjoyed his own company rather than being at big parties although he is great at parties and is a really good peoples person, didn’t say too much and was pretty reserved but he has this gentle soothing quality about him. I honestly don’t know how we got together because i am the total opposite. I love to be around people, go out dancing, go on spontaneous adventures, outgoing etc.
    He has come out of his shell so much in the past two years and he’s taught me a few things too.
    So when he says i “make him feel a lot of things emotionally” i wonder if thats a good thing or not. The conflicted part i am assuming is the influence his parents think their entitled to in our relationship.
    They are cultural and religious and he recently told them he wants to live with me officially. They said we didn’t have their blessings as we are not married.
    I made some very valid points such as, what happens if i do not want to get married (we’re getting a defect partner visa soon so we’ll legally be tied together), where is the respect for my culture and how i was raised?
    This conversation lead to the argument which lead to us having this space.
    I know he knows what i am saying is right and his parents are pushing their beliefs on him which is putting him in a really difficult position but i guess culture and religion and not wanting to disappoint your parents is a strong thing.

    if you have any advice on my situations i would really be grateful! could you also please tell me what his message means?

    thank you !!!

  64. Les says:

    Hello Kristina.thanks for this article hey…here is my story that i need an advise on.i have been in a long distance relationship since August and he is everything i need in a man. When the honeymoon phase ended i kind of panicked and became insecure therefore started being needy and clingy. He was going through tough time as he lost his job and felt that he is the one who should be supporting his parents not the other way around. I was pushy when he had something bothering him i would demand he share it with me even though he always told me when he is under pressure he doesn’t need me putting much pressure on him and that he will tell me all about it when he has dealt with it but i did not understand what he meant then cos i thought i was being the supportive girlfriend. I made nasty comments over small things and started petty arguments over him not getting back to me when he said he would or taking time to respond to my texts so we ended up fighting more than having decent conversations.He started distancing himself and we ended up not sharing anything personal even though we still talked almost everyday. Early December he said he was ready to tell me what was really going on and said somethings cannot be discussed over the phone and we were supposed to meet a week later and couple of days before our meeting i found out i was pregnant.i told him about it and he was shocked and said he need time to think he will get back to me and he got back to me the following morning and said he was sorry about the way he handled the news, that he loves me and he is with me all the way.we were meeting the following day and said we will talk face to face.when we met he started accusing me of sleeping with his friend and told me of how the friend confessed.i forgot to mention that he accused me of cheating the day we concieved but i took it for granted.he always told me he does not feel comfortable with me drinking at our work parties because he has never seen me drunk so he does not trust my judgement when i am drunk but then i took a trip with colleagues when i went to see him and got drunk on the way and i don’t know how but i lost track of time when we communicated on my way so he did not believe me when i told him it was a genuine mistake and said i know where i was and what i did and he will wait for me to tell him the truth when i am ready and i got mad and thought maybe he wants out so he is accusing me of stupid things.i suggested a break up when he accused me of sleeping with the friend and he said the break up is not an option we are having problems we should try to work on them and i should stop quiting cos everytime things don’t go my way i think quiting is the best option.

    He said he needed time to think, we both do so we can make informed decision about our situation.i asked him if he thinks our relationship will ever be the way it used to or if its heading to an end and he said it is gonna be different now because there is a baby involved…i got worked up when i got home and sent him hurtful texts and his only response was “can you pls stop.” two weeks later since i had time to reflect i apologised for my part in making the relationship hard and he said this time around we should make it real not try to make it a fantasy and a week later he texted and said we needed to sort things out and i agreed,but then i started accusing him of not caring and told him i am gonna raise the baby alone and he lost it and told me of how he is tired of me always making decisions for him not listening when he tries to reach out to me and he thinks the best solution is for us to go to court and sign an agreement of how we going to raise the baby together because his baby cannot grow up with out him and i started apologising and begging for him to reconsider which i now know was a bad move.

    Two weeks ago he contacted me and said he thinks the idea i brought forth when i found out about the pregnancy which is termination is best for both of us now and i told him i wanted to terminate then now i have decided to keep the baby but he wont know about it now that he decided he does not want a baby anymore and he told me of how crazy i am but then if i am keeping the baby he is going to be part of it. I asked if it really is over between us and he said it is no longer about “us” but about carving the growth and future of the baby we will figure us out with time.i had a miscarriage and i do not know if i should tell him or not.i love him so much and i do not want to lose him and i was intending to show him that i have changed and understand him better now but i wonder if we will work it out now that on top of everything else i lost our baby.i made excuses for him for the way he reacted to the news that maybe since he is still struggling to make ends meet he is buying time to figure out how he is gonna handle the baby on top of everything else!

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